So many things raced through my mind as I watched Jake gaze at my...at his...at our...daughter. He was under her spell. She cast him in, just as she cast my mother, Seth, Emily, Sam, Embry, Quil, Jared, Paul, Rachel, Kim, Collin, Brady...everyone I knew. Everyone I loved. But this was different.
This was much, much, different.
I was happy that they liked each other, though it was impossible to not like either of them. I was sad that this meant that telling him that the girl he was holding was his daughter was coming so soon. I was angry that I had let this happen, that Jake just had to be here. I was pained at the impossible task of the thought that Jake and I must somehow raise this baby together. And there was another emotion I could not place...it was the strongest of anything I had ever felt. It was a passionate feeling; angry, but a soft longing as well. I couldn't think of any emotion that matched the way I was feeling at that moment.
Jayme was soon bored with just staring at him, and begged him to set her on her feet. He did what she said as soon as the words came out. He was her slave, just like everyone else. Jayme then asked him if he would play with her. He dragged his gaze from her, and set his eyes on me.
"Jayme, I have to talk to your momma for a little while, but maybe next time, okay?" she shrugged, and giggled as she ran back to the waters of First Beach. He then strolled over and stood next to me. I had only realized then how much taller he was than me. He stood at least a head over me, and I was six foot four.
"Hey, Jake," I said quietly, sitting down on the powdery sand. He sat down next to me. He didn't bother greeting me. I was a little offended at first, but realized that he already had tried that, and I had lashed out with a nasty response. He had learned that with me, it was better not to push things. It was strange knowing how much I had changed since Jayme came into my life.
"She's amazing, you know. So beautiful. She's just like you, too." I was shocked at how he said this. Jayme was the opposite of me. She was sweet, loving, intelligent; wise...she was everything I wasn't.
"I guess she is pretty great," I said quickly.
"She looks a lot like you," he pointed out. I tensed, and worked to relax my position.
"She looks more like her father, I think," I said, barely mouthing the words as they came out, and I wondered if he actually heard me. If he did, he didn't respond. His eyebrows were shoved together, and his lips pressed together in a thin line. This was his deep-in-thought face. I scanned his body, and no part of him seemed to be twitching or shaking. If he was angry, he was doing a good job of hiding it.
"It's good to have you back, Lee," he said, surprising me with the nickname. "I think everyone was going insane without you here. We all need someone to kick us in the butt and snap us back into reality now and again. You were that person. Not many butts have been kicked lately. We were all just in our own little worlds. Then you show up, and reality strikes again." I gave him a confused expression. I wasn't sure if he meant to compliment or insult me just then.
"Thanks…I think. Really, Jake. It's nice to get a compliment every now and again…from someone besides my daughter, who practically worships the ground I walk on," I said, laughing once. I would have laughed harder if it weren't really true.
"I really mean it, Leah. I needed someone to kick my ass, so thanks." He grinned softly. I returned it.
"I seem to have that kind of effect on people," I said sarcastically, and began to laugh, but Jacob didn't join in. He wasn't trying to joke around with me. He wanted a serious conversation, which was rare…for Jake.
It could have been hours, or days, or minutes, or seconds…I wouldn't have noticed. Jake and I sat there on the beach talking for god-knows how long. We talked about what we'd done, where we'd been, who we'd met, and what was really just going on. But as honest as I was being with him, until I really told him who the little girl playing in the shallow waters was, I was lying to him. Everything I said, did, and felt revolved around the secret I was keeping. If my mother figured it out, Rachel figured it out…it would just be a matter of time before everyone found out. And Jacob wasn't stupid. He'd figure it out soon enough.
"I think you better get her home," Jake said, motioning towards the little girl who was asleep in my lap. I finally looked away from him. I hadn't really noticed that the sun had set. I nodded, and got to my feet, Jayme in my arms.
"Can I drive you home?" he asked. I hesitated, then handed him the keys. Oh well, if I was going to tell him, we might as well be friends when I did. I got into the passenger seat and cradled Jayme across my lap. It was silent except for Jayme's slow, even breathing as Jake pulled out of the lot. I stared at my hands, telling myself to stop being afraid and say it. Just blurt it out. Just let him know before it was too late…but I couldn't do it. I didn't know why. We had just had this long conversation; I shared everything, poured my heart out to him, and yet I couldn't tell him this. I was going to do this.
"Jacob?" I asked quietly, but I knew he could hear me. Thank God. I don't think I had the strength to talk any louder than a murmur. He turned his head, and looked at me.
"Yeah?" he asked. It was an innocent question. What do you want? What is it? I took a deep breath, and started again.
"Jacob…" I paused; he gave me a funny look. "Do you need to drive home first?"
Dammit Leah!
He rolled his eyes.
"No, actually I was thinking I'd go over to the Cullens, check on Nessie, you know…" I nodded. Jake had told me about Renesmee, his imprint. How she wasn't doing well. How he was afraid that she wouldn't make it. How he would survive without her. It was all really corny, in my opinion, but I could see that he was really hurting. So I didn't laugh. I didn't tell him to just get over it. I stayed quiet and listened. Because that was really what he needed. He needed somebody to talk to. Who would listen to him without criticizing. Someone who was a friend, but would really just give him some space. I could give him that, I realized. I vowed to myself. I would be Jake's best friend. Maybe he wouldn't realize it, but I would be the best friend that's there when he needs me. I knew he wouldn't realize it, but I'd be Jake's best friend.
When we got to the side of the road wehre my house was, he parked. I didn't get out of the car, or make any move to. Jake didn't do anything either. We just sat there in a comfortable silence.
"Thanks, Jake," I said.
"Thanks, Leah," he said at the same moment. I smiled and shrugged. "I just needed someone to do that for me. To listen. To not criticize my every word. It's nice to have a friend like that." I nodded. I already knew that. At that moment, I knew Jake better than almost anyone else.
Jake stared at Jayme in my arms for a moment, and as I looked at his face, I realized what the unidentified feeling that had flowed through me was. It was jealousy. The way that Jayme had looked at him…she hadn't even looked at me like that before. That surge of envy that had burst through my veins, and radiated every corner of my body…it was sudden, and just as powerful as it had been before.
Jayme was smart. She knew that she had met her father before she really knew she knew him. She would figure it out at some point. So would Jake. I needed to tell both of them before they could.