Interviewer 1: Inspector Summer
Interviewer 2: Inspector Hitomi
Date and Time: 3:18 P.M. Monday, May 17
Location: Bartolomeo's Supernova Fanclub
Interviewee: Trafalgar Law (Operation: Anatomy Obsessed Psycho)
Inspector Hitomi: *Shuffles notebook with a sigh* Well, all this leaves us with one more person.
Inspector Summer: *Rubs forehead* It's that creepy doctor guy, right? *Rolls eyes* Can't wait…
Inspector Hitomi: You shouldn't assume things before they happen.
Inspector Summer: Yeah, but look at every other interview we've had. I can't imagine one thing about this guy's gonna be normal.
Inspector Hitomi: Hn. We'll soon find out. Barto-san, send him in.
*A sobbing Bartolomeo opens the door, Trafalgar Law walks in and sits in the chair*
Inspector Hitomi: So, Mr. Trafalgar...is that a tinfoil hat? *Raises eyebrow, pointing to hat*
Trafalgar Law: It's for my own protection. *Glances around* By the way...do you have any coffee?
Inspector Summer: *Sees his visible shaking from over caffeination* Um...sorry we don't have any more...
Trafalgar Law: *Sighs* Are there any cameras in this room? *Leans forward into Inspectors' faces with hands on table* Or recording devices? They can hear you through any electronic device, you know! Always watching!
Inspector Hitomi: …
Inspector Summer: …
Trafalgar Law: *Eyes glance wildly around the room, finally settling on Inspectors* You don't have any protection! They'll probe your brain and gather information to destroy the human race! Luckily I brought some material along just in case.
*Trafalgar Law pulls out large wads of tin foil from pocket, makes two hats* *Places on the heads of the speechless Inspectors*
Inspector Hitomi: …
Inspector Summer: ...The hell is-?
Trafalgar Law: Sh! Don't say anything confidential or important. They can always hear you…The tinfoil protects from their wave frequencies tapping into the nerve impulses in your brain.
Inspector Hitomi: Who can hear us?
Trafalgar Law: *Points to ceiling* The Borgs! The alien race living in the Andromeda galaxy! They've sent scouts to see if earth is a viable replacement for their collapsing planet!
Inspector Summer: *Clears throat* Umm...look dude. The fans just wanted to ask some questions and then you can go home. We're not gonna ask any...confidential information, and the aliens are not listening. We...lined the room with tinfoil so they can't hear us.
Trafalgar Law: *Relaxes into chair* That's a relief.
Inspector Hitomi: Alright, now Elizabeth from Sabaody would like to know where you got your spotted hat.
Trafalgar Law: *Fidgets with hands* Well, I'm not sure actually.
Inspector Summer: Why aren't you sure?
Trafalgar Law: I woke up with it on my head after being abducted by the Borgs.
Inspector Summer: *Deadpans* …
Trafalgar Law: …
Inspector Summer: You have got to be shitting me. How in the fu-
Inspector Hitomi: *Kicks Inspector Summer from beneath the table* Next question.
Inspector Summer: *Glares*
Inspector Hitomi: *Ignores her* What are your hobbies?
Trafalgar Law: Oh, I spend most of my time studying up on the latest of 'The Hidden Truth'.
Inspector Hitomi: Like...the conspiracy theory magazine?
Trafalgar Law: No, it's all true! *Eyes go wide, giving him a crazy appearance* The second Marine admiral's assassination was all a cover-up! The World Government is the one behind it! And that story with the giant creature living in the mountains turning out to be an average goat? The locals are hiding a darker truth, but oh, I'm onto them!
Trafalgar Law: *Fidgeting intensifies* I find the secrets that the World Government wants to keep private and make them public to the world! That's why I have a submarine, so their aerial attacks are worthless against me! They'll never be able to surprise me!
Inspector Hitomi: …
Inspector Summer: …
Inspector Hitomi: *Clears throat uncomfortably* Moving on. How did you meet Bepo, your navigator?
Trafalgar Law: *Looks around nervously* Did you hear that?
Inspector Summer and Inspector Hitomi: *Listens closely* *Shakes head*
Trafalgar Law: *Whispers* They're in the ceiling. *Climbs beneath table and cowers*
Inspector Summer: Ah, hell naw. I am not putting up with this. *Drags him back into seat*
Trafalgar Law: *Panics* No! What if they find me?
Inspector Hitomi: Rest assured, Mr. Trafalgar, we've had this room outfitted with the best in anti-Borg technology. You're safe here. *Small assuring smile*
Trafalgar Law: *Gulps* Ok…
Inspector Hitomi: Now, about Bepo?
Trafalgar Law: Right…*Takes deep breath* I rescued him from a Borg spacecraft. He was strapped to a table, and they were experimenting on him. That's why he can talk.
Inspector Summer: *Deadpan face* *Whispers to Inspector Hitomi* If you expect me to believe him for one second-
Inspector Hitomi: *Whispers* Just be patient and understanding.
Trafalgar Law: *Narrows eyes* What are you whispering about?
Inspector Summer: *Sarcastic* Oh, just how lovely the weather is.
Trafalgar Law: *Eyes widen, points at Inspectors* You're one of them! *Scrambles backwards, falling over in the chair* Get away from me!
Inspector Hitomi: *Sighs* Mr. Trafalgar, I think our interview is done. You may go now. Barto-san!
*Bartolomeo, still sobbing, comes in and tries to drag Trafalgar Law away*
Trafalgar Law: *Struggles against Bartolomeo's grasp* They're Borgs! I know it, they're Borgs! Arrest them and interrogate them! They hold valuable information to the safety of our planet! *Door shuts behind them*
Inspector Summer: See? I told you he'd be a nutcase. *Takes off tinfoil hat*
Inspector Hitomi: *Rubs bridge of nose, taking off hat* Hn. His yelling was getting rather bothersome.
Inspector Summer: *Looks at notecards* What kind of questions did the fans even want to ask him?
Inspector Hitomi: Hmm. One says, 'Have you identified what the largest hotspots of Borg activity are?' Strange.
Inspector Summer: *Squints* What equipment do you use to detect Borg radio-wave frequencies? Who the hell is asking that?
Inspector Hitomi: *Face turns red*
Inspector Summer: *Notices* You have a dirty card, don't you?
Inspector Hitomi: *Nods, shows card to Summer*
Inspector Summer: *Reads card* Will you...probe me...like the Borgs...did to you? Oh God! *Covers face with hands* Who the hell would write that?
Inspector Hitomi: *Covers face as well* I feel the need to wash out my eyes and ears.
Inspector Summer: I'll come with you.
*Inspectors leave room in search of a bathroom*
~END REPORT~
Report: Subject has unusual obsession with an alien race known as 'The Borgs.' Has unending paranoia and never feels safe. Believes far-fetched conspiracy theories. Possible addiction to coffee and other caffeinated beverages. Rapid mood swings and possible diagnosis of being Bipolar. Psychiatric help and possible internment into a mental institution strongly advised.