Chapter Track: Wonderwall by Oasis
"Okay, I wasn't gonna say anything but this is too fucking weird," Kenny blurts out.
I can't be mad at him. He's totally right. Everything about this is weird but mostly awkward. I bet he couldn't even bring himself to say the word. How this essentially happened is beyond me as well. I don't think any of us would do this intentionally but Craig and I sat together at lunch so Clyde and Token sat with him and Wendy and Kenny sat with me
"Well, it's not that weird," Token says. "It's not like we don't know each other. We've all lived in this town for years."
"Everyone is staring too," Clyde says.
"Who gives a shit?" Wendy asks. Kenny throws his arm over her shoulder and she cozies up to him. Wendy has slowly been changing, I've noticed. I guess I already noticed but since she's been sleeping with Kenny, the effects have been significantly more drastic. Her hair is in a messy bun, she wears dark make up, and cut up crop tops. I like it and Kenny's a nice guy. I'm not worried about it. Even if he weren't a good guy I still wouldn't worry because the fact of the matter is I don't give a fuck and I'm too wrapped up in my own shit to care about anyone else – except Craig because, let's face it, Craig is fucking hot and as it would turn out can give amazing head. He does this thing with his teeth when I'm about to come that's just amazing. Just thinking about it makes me wanna-
"Tweek, wake up!" Wendy shouts while Craig snaps in my face, boredly. "God, what are you always thinking about?"
Kenny snorts, "I have an idea," he says. Everyone snickers. Craig flicks them off. He's right- half right- when I'm not thinking about Craig, I'm thinking about- well, okay, it's related to him too but what my parents said to me the other night. I haven't really talked to them since. Only in the 'I have to talk to you because we live together and you're my parents' way but only my mom and very briefly.
Honestly, I'm not hurt by what they said- no, wait, I am but I'm more upset over them being right about the whole thing. It worries me but I'm too scared about what would happen if I did anything about it. None of my options seem viable. I try not to think about it which ultimately leads to me thinking about it excessively.
"What, Wendy?" I poke at my broccoli with my plastic spork.
"Jeez," she says, "What died in your tulips?"
"Nothing, I'm just not feeling good," I lie. Kenny and Clyde start a conversation about sports that excludes Wendy, Craig, and I for obvious reasons but surprisingly Wendy gets investing into the conversation. Her knowledge of sports probably has something to do with Stan. So it's just me and Craig, stereotypically.
I should just let this all go. I'm only in high school. I shouldn't be worrying about these things and anyway, what if my dad's right? What if this all just is a phase? Maybe I'll grow up and marry some girl to move to the city with and then settle down. I grimace. God, I hope not. But maybe. It'd be a hell of a lot easier to have kids that way at least.
I feel Craig nudge me and glance at him. He's staring at me. He's wondering if I'm really okay or if I just said that because I hate Wendy and I wanna tell him that I don't hate Wendy, he does but he probably already knows what I'd say before I said it from the look on my face.
I look back to my food. It's very unappealing. I'm not even hungry.
Craig nudges me again. I drop my fork and turn towards him, "What?" He flicks me off. "I'm sorry," I apologize for my harsh tone. "What did you need?"
"Walk me home today," he says.
"Why?" Clyde suddenly intervenes. "Just let us drive you."
"I wanna walk. Fuck off, Clyde," Craig tells the boy. Clyde pouts and puts his taco down. Kenny snickers behind his hand. I notice his other hand that was on Wendy's shoulder has drifted to her ass and gag. I'm also envious that I can't be that affectionate with Craig right now. He's fucking sitting right next to me and all I can do is bump his thigh occasionally.
"We can walk with you," Clyde suggests.
"Dude, let them be a couple- shit," Token says.
Clyde looks hurts and Kenny starts laughing out loud. Wendy even cracks a smile. "Better than cable, eh babe?" Wendy sh's him.
"Walk me home," Craig repeats.
I shrug, "Yes, princess," I tell him. When I glance at him he's staring again. He's pissed off that I called him princess. I don't know what he expects when he's always so demanding. Usually when he gets this face I kiss him but fucking hell, we're in the cafeteria. We'll have to find an alley later for sure.
I bump his shoulder with mine, "Hey, lighten up, you're so much prettier when you smile," I say. Craig doesn't falter. "Will your parents be home?" I ask seductively.
"No, but my sister will be so fuck you," Craig tells me. He probably doesn't know that that actually kind of hurt my feelings- yeah he does.
"Can you not flirt while I'm trying to eat?" Clyde asks.
"You're just salty because Craig's finally got a real boyfriend so no more fucking you when he's lonesome," Kenny cackles.
"Who the fuck invited you to sit here, McCormick?" Craig asks the blonde. I sigh.
"I sit wherever the hell I wanna sit, Tucker," Kenny shoots back with a smirk.
"Every time you open your mouth I wanna sock you in your ugly ass face," Craig says.
"You guys didn't actually fuck… right?" I ask.
"That's a shame because every time you open your mouth I just wanna stick my tongue in that pretty little face of yours," Kenny tells the niorette, leaning forward on the table. "Really, Craig," he says. "You're so pretty. You sure you don't yell at me because you're secretly in love with me?"
"Kenny, please, he's my… whatever we are."
"Oh no," Clyde says. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." Maybe.
Craig growls. "You're disgusting. You wanna try taking a shower sometime, poor boy?"
"Only if you take it with me," Kenny purrs.
"Kenny, stop provoking him!" I whine.
Craig's turning red but he's not embarrassed. He quickly sits up, reaching over the table to grab Kenny's collar and he's about to slam his fist into the blonde's face when I grab both his arms and pin them behind his back. "Get the hell off of me, Tweek. I'll fucking hit you too," Craig promises.
"Let's go to the smoker's alley. Are you out of smokes?"
"Tweek," he growls. Kenny sticks his tongue out and Craig lunges forward but I hold him back tighter. I start to move Craig out of the lunch room.
As soon as I come around the alley's corner and there's no one there I pin the shorter boy to the wall with my lips. We kiss for a long time. I forget where we even are until somebody clears their throats.
When I detach myself from Craig and turn with wide eyes it's the goths. Michael says, "Pete, you owe me ten bucks." Henrietta takes a drag from her cigarette.
"Where am I supposed to get ten dollars? I'm broke, dude," Pete tells Michael.
Michael says, "You could just suck my dick and we'll call it square."
Pete sighs, "You're a fucking asshole."
They take their places on the wall next to us and I let Craig out of my arms. "I fucking hate Kenny," he grumbles, running his hand through his hair, knocking off his hat and grabbing it with the other hand. "And I don't have any more fucking cigarettes!" He hits the wall with his fist.
"Craig," I whine, taking his hand. It's red.
"Here, assholes," Henriette tosses a box of cigarettes at me and I luckily catch it. There's one left. "You owe me," she tells Craig.
"What, do I have to suck your dick?" he mumbles.
"Don't tempt me, bitch," Henriette retorts.
I snort and hand Craig a lighter. He lights his cigarette and starts smoking. "I don't care if you hate Kenny. You don't have to hit him. I don't hit Clyde."
"That's different."
I scoff, "No, it fucking isn't because I hate Clyde and he's constantly pestering me."
"Yeah, well, Kenny was pestering me," Craig tells me.
"That's bullshit. He was just joking around. You took it too serious," I say.
"Because I hate him so he shouldn't joke about me."
"The only reason I can think of for you getting so worked up is if it were true. Is it? I don't care if you did as long as you aren't anymore." I'd probably still care even if they aren't anymore actually but I won't say that. I just want to know.
Craig pushes me away from him. "I didn't sleep with Clyde, you dick," he says. "I already told you I didn't so I fucking didn't! Why don't you believe me?"
"I don't know," I say. "You two are just so close and Clyde acts so jealous all the time. Sometimes it's like he likes you."
"Clyde's head over heels for Red so don't worry about it so much. Is that what you've been stressed about lately?" I stare at the wall behind Craig. "I know you are. You've been like this since that day I stayed at your house," he says. "You always zone out and you just seem really unhappy… Is it me?"
"Oh, my God, Craig, no!" I grab the boy in my arms. "Shut the hell up. It's not you. It's just my parents."
"Oh," he says. "What happened?"
"I don't wanna talk about it," I tell him.
"Is it because the goths' are watching us?"
I glance at the four kids to our left. All of their eyes fixed on us. "Yeah, a little bit…"
"Tell me when we walk home then."
"If Clyde doesn't fucking trail us."
"He won't."
"Sure," I say.
"He won't," Craig repeats.
"Okay," I say. The bell rings and I let the boy go again. "Can we kiss again before class and stuff?" I ask. Craig grabs my face and gives me one last good kiss before four more hours of hell. "I'll see you later," I say. Craig just nods and leaves.
I turn towards the kids in black, not making any type of effort to go to class. "You guys aren't gonna tell anyone about this right? I don't need to like, bribe you or anything?"
They blink at me, exhaling smoke. "Nobody gives a shit about your soap-opera conformist love life, freak." Firkle assures me.
"Good," I say. "Thanks," I add as I'm walking away.
The end of the day finally rolls around and I meet Craig at his locker. "You ready?" Craig nods, shutting his locker.
"You better take care of Craig, Tweek. He better show up to school tomorrow- no exception!"
I scowl at Clyde, "Shut up, dick hole. Craig's fully capable of taking care of himself." Clyde glares at me. "That's right, I'm done playing nice! Suck my nuts, douche-wipe!"
Craig groans, "C'mon," he grabs my arm.
Craig and I walk for a while without saying anything. I wanna hold his hand a lot but I know better. I wonder how Craig feels about someone not in our circle of friends finding out about us. I know the goths did and he seemed fine but I don't think that really counts because I was fine too but if it had been a teacher I think I would have had a panic attack.
"What happened with your parents?" Craig asks, breaking the silence.
What if I tell Craig and he has the same reaction as me? What if his is worse because he knows it's right? What if he breaks up with me because he doesn't want to drag this out? What if this is just a phase for him but he already knows it is? I don't even know if Craig's gay. Every time I ask he says no but that doesn't explain anything for something, I think deserves a lot of explaining. Sexuality is complicated and I don't think Craig has a clue what he's doing. I also think he knows more than he's letting on and he just doesn't want to admit anything.
Because saying stuff out loud is scary. It makes it real.
"Um," I look at my feet. I should get boots like Craig. I don't think they would get holes and my converse are almost unwearable at this point. "They just- Well, they lectured me about being in a relationship with a boy," I tell him. I figure if I'm just really vague. He won't freak out as much. "It just freaked me out a little bit."
"That's all?" he asks. "Seems like there was more."
I shake my head, "My dad said this was probably just a phase and I should be careful because this town is full of homophobes."
"He's not wrong."
"I know. That's why it freaked me out but I don't want to not be with you because of that." I watch Craig with cautious eyes but it's useless. I won't know what he's thinking unless he wants me to. "I think I'd rather be with you and deal with someone finding out than not being with you at all, you know?" Craig remains silent. "Uhm," I look back to my feet.
"Tweek," he says.
Why don't we just break up? Just say it already. I shouldn't have said anything. I should've pretended to be fine, dammit… "Yeah, Craig?"
"Why do you like me so much?"
I stop walking and stare at him. Craig stops a few steps ahead of me when he notices I stopped. "What?" I say.
"Just, shouldn't you be like, wanting to break up because of all that shit? You're so worried about it but you still want to be with me. I'm not that great and we've only been together for a few weeks."
"To break up, we'd have to be together," I point out.
"We're together right now," Craig says.
"You know what I mean, smartass."
"Why do I have to say it for it to be official? You suck my dick and I suck yours so aren't we?"
My cheeks heat up, "Well, Wendy probably sucks Kenny's dick but they aren't together…"
"They aren't? What the hell…" Craig mutters. "I don't know then because I won't say it."
"Why not?"
"It's fucking embarrassing and I shouldn't have to. I basically already did so isn't that enough?"
"I like seeing you blush so I don't think it is," I tell him honestly. "Plus, hearing you say, 'Oh, Tweek, I'm so head over heels for you it hurts my very being' would probably make me so happy I'd die."
"I'd never say it anyway but I don't want you to die either so, there, I'm not saying it."
"Then I won't tell you why I like you," I shrug. It gets quiet again.
I can't lie. I'm happy Craig even said what he did. He implied that we were together. That is enough but I just wanna hear it. "We're together," Craig mumbles quickly. "Okay?" he says, "It's official."
I smile to myself. "As soon as we're alone I'm gonna kiss you for that."
"Don't bother. I don't wanna kiss you anymore."
"Bastard, yes you do!"
Craig rolls his eyes. "Yeah… We should've gone to your house. Anyway, answer my question."
"I like you because you're charming."
Craig scoffs, "I'm not charming."
"Yeah, you kind of are in a weird way and you're my type. You're eyes are pretty and you've got such a nice ass but besides your appearance you're just as weird as I am. Actually I think you're weirder than me and you treat me like a person and that doesn't happen all the time. You're kind of perfect but in a flawed kind of way that makes it even better. I don't know, whenever I'm with you I want you naked and I wanna be inside you but you're cool to just hang out with too and smart. You're funny." I count things off in my head.
"There's a lot more but my head's all scrambled right now, I-" I blink. Craig's face is red. This time it isn't from anger. "Aw, you're blushing! I made you blush from just talking about how I feel about you!" I can't help it when I grab his hands. He tries to pull them away but I snatch one back and kiss it. Craig just gets more flustered (which was the point) and runs ahead. We've made it to his house. "You're so fucking cute too."
The door opens and we stop.
It's Craig's little sister. Her name slips my mind until Craig says, "Ruby," He tries to say it in a nonchalant kind of way but we both know if she was standing there the whole time she probably saw me grab Craig's hands and call him cute.
"What the hell, Craig?" she says. "I should have known you're a fag."
"It's not like that," I try. Craig's head tilts down, so I stop.
"Is that why you stopped going to church? So you could give yourself to the devil instead?" Ruby starts lecturing. Most of the stuff she says doesn't really make sense to me, though, I guess that's why I'm not religious. "Are you listening to me?! Oh, mom and dad are gonna go fucking berserk…" She shakes her head. "If a man lies with a man than it's detestable and they must be put to death! You know this! You're going to hell!"
"Really, Ruby? It's the fucking twenty-first century. " Craig says. "I'm not gonna die because I kiss a boy. If we're really quoting bible scriptures, you're not God so who are you to judge your neighbor? You know this."
"Bull. Shit," Ruby declares. "You're my brother, not my neighbor. When mom and dad disown you, you won't be my brother anymore though."
"The bible doesn't really say anything negative about being gay," Craig says. "The fucking pastor does. The bible doesn't condom it but God says love everyone and don't judge. You're not fucking God, Ruby. You never met him. You don't know what he thinks."
"BULL. SHIT," Ruby repeats louder and drags out. "That's why we go to church!"
"It's not bullshit, it's the truth, you hypocrite. The bible's completely outdated anyways. You love lobster! Abo-mi-nation."
"FUCK YOU," she spits and then scoffs, "Fuck you," she repeats. "You don't get to call me an abomination, you fuck boys! You're a faggot. You can try to reason it in your head all you fucking want but we both know that God hates you and him," she nods towards me, "and all the disgusting shit you two do together."
Craig huffs and shoves Ruby roughly to the floor. "Go home, Tweek," he mumbles, stepping inside and slamming the door.
I stand on the Tucker's porch speechless. The only thing that gets me to leave is not knowing when Craig's parents get home and I'd really hate to run into them if that's their daughter.
The walk home is slow because right now I could use comforting but I don't have any friends, I don't think Craig's a good candidate right now and I fucking hate my parents. It makes the situation so much worse.
I could try Wendy or Kenny but I don't think Wendy would have the right response. By that I mean, what I require to feel better right now. She'd just piss me off and I can't handle any more right now. Kenny might work but after what he said to Craig, I don't really wanna see him either. What I need is some bud, calming music, and a blank canvas.
I don't know how I didn't know the Tucker's were a religious family. No wonder Craig denies his sexuality. Maybe he doesn't want it to be true. I wonder what his parents would say. It would probably be worse than his sister. Will she actually tell them? I bet Craig is begging her not to right now. No, Craig doesn't beg (as far as I know (sex doesn't count either (wink))). He's probably just trying to convince her not to. What if he's telling her he doesn't actually like me or we aren't together? Maybe he's telling her that I'm gay but he isn't and we're just close friends like that. But the most realistic option is that they're fighting right now. Probably with fists. The way Craig pushed her, I could tell they probably fight a lot.
Somehow it all hurts to think about so I'm gonna try not to.
At home I lock myself in my room with my bong and some band that my grandparents probably listened to while they got high when my parents were younger than I am. What simpler times. Not being born was the best.
I blow smoke out my window. The wind is strong. Break is next week. I'm excited and scared a little bit. I'm excited to have all that time to hang out with Craig but I'm scared because what if he doesn't want to hang out with me? Maybe I shouldn't have told him I wanted to be inside him. It just felt like the right thing to say at the time and I wasn't lying… Still, Tweek, did that even sound appropriate? What about Craig is appropriate?!
This fucking sucks.
God, it's so gross but my dad was right. Could Craig and I even make this work? I just never thought about it before but now I fucking can't not think about it.
I run my hand through my hair over and over again. What the hell was I thinking? Trying to get a real boyfriend. I was thinking, 'wow, he's cute'. That's fucking it but Craig's amazing but his family is super religious so, what if they find out? What would even happen? Would they disown him, kick him out, move him away, boarding school, or they could even hit him. They could hurt him really bad. Mentally and physically.
My jaw tightens.
Would it be easier to break up with him?- No, safer?
Oh, God, this weed isn't helping me at all. I take deep breaths but they don't help because of how fast they are. I stick my head out of my window in the cold air and it oddly helps because the air is so thin.
When I'm done I just watch the snow for a while and question my mortality. As one does.
I should just talk to Craig.
Finally figuring out what I'm gonna do for this story like **0** anyway, babes, thanks for the love. School sucks. yep. but here we go. Diving into another year of hell on earth. Are you ready? I am not. LET'S GOOOOOO ps fucking love this song