I hope everyone's finals are going well. You are all so smart and amazing. You'll do great. Good luck everyone!

Enjoy!

Lovino stood outside his brother's hospital room. He knew Feli was okay. They had just spoken, but part of him was worried it was a dream and when he opened the door there would be someone else sitting there. He took a few deep breaths and walked in.

Feliciano was laying on his bed watching something on TV. He looked so sick. He didn't look over to the door. He was wearing the beanie that Lovino bought him, his face was just as hairless as his head, no lashes or brows. His lips were chapped and was pale. He just looked so tired. Maybe the stress of his older brother's pregnancy could be to much.

Lovino shook his head. He needed to stop letting his mind work like this. He closed the door quietly and stood near it awkwardly, just watching Feli making sure he wasn't imagining it. He rubbed his arm and cleared his throat to get the boy's attention.

Feliciano glanced over at him, his face lighting up, pushing away all signs of illness. He sat up and turned off the television. "Lovi!" he giggled.

"Ciao…" Lovino mumbled, tugging on his sleeve.

"Aren't you going to come say hi to me? Don't just stand there!" Feli coaxed, holding his arms out for a hug.

Lovino chewed his lip for a moment before going to his brother. He had to keep himself from running. As soon as his arms were around him, he started sobbing. He couldn't believe Feli was okay. He was here. Feliciano rubbed his brother's back, trying to calm him. Eventually Lovino, was able to stop crying and sat next to his the boy in the bed, leaning against his brother's shoulder.

"So...how is the little bambino?" Feli asked, grinning widely.

"Huh...oh, um...okay, I guess. It's only been a week since I even knew they existed," Lovino rested a hand on his stomach subconsciously at the mention of his child.

"And how is the mommy doing?" Feli hugged his brother's arm and smiled at him. Lovino rolled his eyes.

"I don't know…" Lovino pulled at the rubber band on his wrist. He'd found that having something fiddle with lately had really helped his nerves. He hadn't even realized he'd had a rubber band still on his arm until the sharp sting hit his skin.

"How do you not know?" Feli asked, coughing a bit.

"I'm just...I'm so tired all the time. Apparently growing a child is a lot of work, even when you can't tell. Gosh, Feli, I'm throwing up almost as much as you. I can't really eat much at all. Everything just sounds so disgusting. I'm so scared and...and I feel so alone, you know?" Lovino brushed a tear off his face.

Feliciano stared at his brother before humming quietly, cocking his head to the side. "Well that explains why you look really crappy."

"Thanks…" Lovino glared.

"No! I'm just…" Feliciano thought for a moment. "I'm just saying you look like you haven't slept and are getting sick, but it's okay!"

"Yeah...I hear that the second trimester is pretty smooth typically. Dio, I hope that's true. How can something the size of a grape do this? I'm such a fucking wreck. Like I can't keep a stable mood. I can't! And everything with Papa...Feli, I'm so glad you're okay," Lovino hugged Feliciano again and kissed his cheek. "You're the only one who knows and you're the only person that I know is supportive."

"Lovi?" Feli asked, taking his hand. "Did you...Are you...If you're so scared, did you ever think about not keeping it?"

Lovino recoiled from Feliciano and jumped off the bed, slowly backing up as tears welled in his eyes while he shook his head. "Feli, why...why would you…? I love my baby."

"I know! I know! I do too, I just thought because of how sad and scared you are you may have thought about it. You're not yourself lately and it's scary."

"I couldn't...I never thought about that. It never even crossed my mind. I was in so much shock the first night and then Papa basically disowned me that night and I...I didn't really think about that. I was just so lost and then I woke up the next morning and I was in love with my baby even though I'm scared shitless," Lovino pulled at the band again. "Fuck, I'm being selfish. How are you?" Lovino sat back on the bed.

"You're not being selfish. I don't mind if you cry to me about stuff as long as you're not too sad. I'm okay. I'm just in here because my counts are too low and they think I may be getting a cold, so I have to be here. It's so boring. Do you remember the child life specialist? He's been bringing me things to do and we talk. I have a tutor to help me through school. Papa's decided it would be best for me not to go anymore with how easy it is to catch a cold now. It's all free! Isn't that amazing?" Feliciano smiled.

The door opened, causing Lovino's heart to be in his throat. Roma froze at the sight of Lovino. Feliciano crossed his arms and gave their father an angry look. Lovino couldn't move. He held his breath waiting for his father's warm smile or him to say hello using the familiar nickname he'd called him since before he was born. Passerotto, per favor, call me passerotto, Lovino willed. Feliciano glanced at Lovino to make sure he was giving the same stern look and whined about he wasn't going by the plan.

"What's going on, Feliciano?" Roma growled.

"Why did you tell us the other was dead?" Feli asked, his voice stronger than Lovino ever remembered it being.

"I don't want you around such bad influences." Roma glared at Lovino.

"Trust me, Lovi is not the bad influence. Do you realize I'm sick, Papa? I have cancer. You want to take my brother away from me? He is having your grandchild! Do you really want him alone through all of this? Lovi doesn't know how to tell Antonio about the baby and you're not helping!" Feliciano put an arm protectively around his brother's shoulders. "And you are going to listen to him! I think you're being so childish t not talk to him."

"I have nothing to say," Roma hissed, narrowing his eyes and tilting his head back slightly.

"I do," Lovino whispered.

"I don't care."

"Papa, you will listen to him, or I'm telling Emma I don't want you in my room," Feliciano warned.

"Fine." Roma leaned against the wall.

"Go on, Lovi." Feliciano smiled at him encouragingly.

"Papa, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you about Antonio. I'm sorry I had unprotected sex. I'm sorry I'm gay. I am. I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect son that you wanted. I tried and I just got so upset over Feli, I let my guard down, but Papa? Papa, I can't go back, and I'm pregnant and I'm scared. I need you, Papa," Lovino whispered the last bit.

Roma stood and beckoned for his son. Lovino stood up slowly and walked over to him, a small smile dancing on his lips. Roma led him outside. The hall was empty, but they stayed in the indent in the wall that was made for better privacy of the rooms. Roma hugged him, Lovino melting into the hug. Finally, I have my papa.

"I want you to carry this child, endure the aches and pains that come with it. I want you to agonize through the labor of your first child. I want you to feel the pain your mother went through with you. You push that child out, screaming and crying and begging for it to be over, just like your mother. No pain medications. Your mother never had that luxury. Suffer to pay for your sins," Roma whispered in his ear.

Lovino pulled back and tearfully nodded at his father's demands. "Okay, yeah, okay, Papa. Then will everything be okay?"

Roma took the boy's face in his hands, stroking his cheeks gently with is thumbs. His brown eyes twinkled with the same expression that Lovino was so used to seeing when his father looked at him and Feliciano. Suddenly the man's eyes changed, flashed to something akin to hatred.

"After you go through all of that pain and suffering, while you are still torn, bruised, swollen and bleeding from the trauma of birth having known the pain of your mother, I want you to be holding you child while they die in your arms. Only then will it be okay. Only then, will you know the pain you're putting me through right now." Roma kissed his son's cheek before going back into Feliciano's room, leaving Lovino in shock.

Lovino tried to breathe, but no air would enter his lungs. Finally he took a few gasping breaths before he found himself collapsing against the wall as sobs wracked his body. His father wanted him to suffer beyond suffering. His father wanted him to have his child die. That was the only way everything could be okay, but it would never be okay. Lovino realized that as he ran out of the hospital to his car.

Lovino kneeled in the pews, tears streaming down his face as he held the rosary and prayed. He didn't even know if the God he'd grown up knowing was there or cared for him. His father was right. He was disgusting. He deserved this pain, this anguish. He didn't know what else to do. He was so close to the edge. He'd almost killed himself last night and he couldn't slip again. The child growing inside him needed him. And so he turned to the only thing he knew to be bigger than his father. He begged for forgiveness, to not be afflicted with this illness that his father told him had. How many times had he prayed to change? How many times had he begged for the attraction and urges to leave him? What about the countless times he's sobbed over in Confession?

Lovino stood up when his legs began to cramp and sat down in the pews, sobbing into his hands. He felt so alone, so abandoned. The only thing he could think of was the church he'd grown up in. That was the only way to make this okay. He could join the priesthood and make a vow of celibacy from that day forward, then he would never have to fear slipping up and sleeping with a beautiful man again.

"Lovino?"

The boy looked up and saw the priest he'd known his whole life sitting next to him. How long had been sitting there? How much had he heard? Lovino pushed the panic away. His prayers had been in Italian. There was no way the man would have known.

"I'm sorry, Father," Lovino said, quickly adjusting his clothes. The priest handed him a few tissues. Lovino took them gratefully thanking him.

"You've been praying for two hours now, crying the entire time. I have never seen you in such a state. I'm available for Confession if you wish."

Lovino shook his head, the rosary making soft clicking sounds as the beads hit each other from his trembling hands. "I-I can't," he whispered. "It's too bad. I can't be forgiven."

"My son, have you paid attention to Mass a day in the past twenty years you've been coming here? We worship a loving, forgiving lord. There is nothing you could possibly have done that would be beyond forgiveness if your heart and soul desire it."

"No," Lovino shook his head. "I am so evil inside. God's punishing me for it. Papa said so and I think he's right. It's my fault Feliciano's sick. Oh, god, it's all my fault," Lovino started to sob once more.

"What is it that you did that is so terrible?"

"I...I tried so hard, Father. I did everything I could to prevent it and it happened anyway. Why did He make me like this? I can't handle it. I'm not strong enough. I gave in and everything is over."

"Are you referring to your feelings that we've discussed?" the priest asked softly.

"Yes. I...I met this man and I knew, I knew I wanted him. I tried so hard to stay away, but he was always there and I...I gave in and we had sex...a lot of sex. I think I may love him, but I'm so scared to admit it. I found out I'm going to have a baby. How fucked up is that? I'm a man and I"m going to have a child. My father hates me. He disowned me. He told me I was sick with evil and God was punishing me and that it's my fault Feli's sick. He says that God is going to kill Feliciano because I love him so much and I deserve to be miserable. He told me that he hopes when I give birth, I can't stand the pain. He says I don't deserve medication and I don't. I don't." Lovino shook his head. "If my father's right, if I deserve nothing but misery, will my baby die in my arms? I can't stand that thought."

The priest was silent for a moment, taking it all in. Lovino took his silence for disgust and a sob escaped him. He slid out of the pew onto his knees ready to pray again. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Lovino, talk to me."

The boy shakily sat down and hugged himself. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Your father is wrong."

"What?" Lovino gaped at the man.

"A father is not supposed to talk to his son in such a way. Children are blessings and to decide that you want nothing to do with a child is wrong. He also misunderstands. A child is never a punishment, only a blessing. The pain of childbirth brings one closer to God. You sacrifice so that your child can have life. It's a noble and beautiful thing. Your decision for your labor is your choice. If you can't stand the pain and want the medicine, then take the blessing, my son. I've known you since you were born. I baptised you and confirmed you into this faith and I know how much you have struggled. Be happy, Lovino. You are not a bad person. You do not deserve misery. You only deserve peace and happiness. Being in my position, I've witnessed many servants of God beg to be healed and I've witnessed some be driven to suicide. I've seen them enter marriages filled with misery only to divorce. I see nothing good come of discouraging it. I've seen people accept it and live happy, beautiful lives. Be happy, Lovino."

"But it's a sin," Lovino shuddered.

"We are all sinners. Who should judge you? Nobody has that right. You are a good person. Be happy."

"I...I…"

"If this man makes you happy, if you love him, go. It is the only road I've seen that ends well. You have so much good in you, Lovino, and it would be a shame to throw it away. Love is nothing to be ashamed of."

"Yes, Father. Thank you. Oh, god, thank you!" Lovino laughed.

"And Lovino?"

"Yes?" the boy stared up at the priest, a weight lifted off his shoulder. He wanted to run to Antonio and hug him and tell him how much loved him.

"I expect to be the one you choose baptize your child. I expect this man is a Catholic as well?"

"Of course, Father. Yes, yes, he is."

"Good. Peace be with you, my son."

"And with you," Lovino breathed before leaving the church.

Lovino made his way home, entering his apartment, visibly shaken. Matthew instantly noticed and questioned his friend. Lovino sat and talked with Matthew for hours telling everything, but leaving out the pregnancy. He had never cried so much in his life. It was as though the world was crashing down around him. Matthew made him dinner. They ate silently before Lovino went to his room.

The man laid in his bed thinking about everything. He needed give in. Antonio wanted a relationship. He said he would wait forever. He loved him. Lovino picked up his phone to call him. He wanted nothing more than to hear his voice. He needed to be absolutely certain he could be honest with Antonio. He needed to be closer to him.

"Bueno?" Antonio answered.

"Tonio, I had a terrible day…" Lovino whispered brushing his tears away. He proceeded to talk Antonio for the duration of the man's break. He told him how he was feeling and everything he wanted, again leaving out the parts about the pregnancy and only hinting slightly at a future.

Antonio dragged himself to his bed, almost collapsing with sheer mental exhaustion. Something was wrong. It scared him. He would be feeling so euphoric and suddenly, without warning feel so drained. He couldn't let anyone see what was going on. No, he could never do that. He was the happy one, the one that always wore a smile and joked around. It was who he was. Covering it up was even more exhausting that the sudden changes. He hated the decisions he made. It was as if he were almost incapable of thinking before acting.

A choked sob escaped him into the pillow as he thought of what Lovino was going through. The man couldn't imagine what it was like to lose everything you cared about overnight. He wondered how someone could disown their child over something as innocent as being gay. Antonio knew he was part of the reason that Lovino had even come out. Lovino kept saying it was his fault. He knew it was. He hated himself for playing this game with someone like Lovino. He was so innocent. Sobs wracked the man's body. Why did he choose Lovino? Why?

He had known what he was doing. When did he become this person? He would never have been the type to take advantage of someone. Hadn't it all started when he and Francis made a bet on who could hook up the most in a month. Antonio had been tired of one night stands and he knew he'd have a higher chance of winning if he'd gotten with someone in a type of relationship. Why Lovino? Because it was easy…

Antonio sighed and buried his head in his pillow, allowing his body to give way to what it wanted, to sob and sleep. That was the thing, he couldn't sleep. He didn't have the energy to cry beyond the small sob. What was wrong? It was terrifying. He'd only let Emma see a part of it, and she'd gotten freaked out. They weren't like they used to be. Things were getting worse little by little and he had no control. He thoughts got so jumbled at times. Though as much as he wanted know the what it was, another part of him, a bigger part maybe, was too afraid of what it might be.

He laid in bed for who knew how long, unable to sleep, unable to rest, unable to move or eat. He'd heard Francis come home a few hours ago. Emma had gotten home from her shift and left for a date with Matthew. There was life beyond his door. Maybe...maybe if he forced himself out, he could feel okay. He wanted so desperately to be back to where he'd been before. He missed who he used to be and that person was quickly fading.

Antonio peeled himself out of the bed and walked toward the door. It was as though he were trying to run through water with weights tied to his limbs and head. The knob seemed impossibly high. He slowly turned it and walked out, forcing a smile on his face.

Francis was sitting on the living room floor, hair hair in a messy ponytail with strands falling down into his face. He had grown to be so beautiful. He would have never guessed that his dorky, awkward, ugly duckling friend would have been so breathtaking one day. Antonio leaned against the wall and watched him write names of his kindergarten students on small name cutout turkeys.

"Do you need help?" Antonio asked, trying his best to be cheerful.

Francis looked at him with his piercing blue-violet eyes. He smiled and pushed the blonde curls from his face. "Oui! I didn't know you were home."

Antonio laughed nervously, running a hand through his hair absently. "I've been napping."

"Oh? Trying to hard to win our bet, huh?" Francis flashed him a playful glance.

"No, I don't even care about that anymore," Antonio said softly, sitting down and taking the list that Francis handed to him. "I don't want to hurt him…"

"So now you care?" Francis threw his hands in the air. "Finally! I was getting scared when Gilbert started having higher morals than you. Besides you already won. I haven't hooked up a single time."

"Oh," Antonio wrote a name and tossed the turkey with the rest.

"Toni?" Francis said, breaking the silence.

"Hm?"

"Have you...You can't just take the kid's virginity and drop him like a piece of trash. He sounds so sweet and you have smiled more since you met him. You go out places that don't involve getting drunk, dancing and random hook ups. It's good for you, I think. You haven't really been well since you and Emma…" Francis cut off. "Are you…?"

Antonio sighed. Wasn't that the topic these any time his friends noticed he was down? The fact that Emma lost their child? It had been two years, and he really couldn't have cared less about the miscarriage. He hadn't lied when he told Lovino he'd been relieved. Emma had seemed relieved too, but she'd dumped him and told him they could never be more than friends again. After six years together, it was over and surprisingly he didn't mind...at first. He'd been having a good day and nothing could bother him.

"No. Dios mio, Francis, I don't know why you keep asking me that. I don't care. I could care less. And yeah, it hurt that Emma broke up with me and I was hurt that it was over for good, but as far as the baby...I don't care."

"That's why Emma dumped you…" Francis said after a moment. "And you haven't been okay since. You've been...different. I don't know how to put it. You're like a rollercoaster. You take too many risks and you're just...you are more impulsive and I'm worried."

"I'm fine," Antonio lied. He capped the marker and hugged his knees. "Why can't games be simple? It all started out as a game. I wanted to mess with him. I wanted to sleep with him. I wanted to take his virginity and pull him out of the closet. I wanted it to be fun and when he said that he didn't want a relationship, when he was fine with casual sex, I thought it'd be great. But we do everything that boyfriends do. We don't have a label and that's the only thing. I wasn't...we weren't meant to get feelings for each other. I wanted it to be a fun game, Francis."

"So it is about love!" Francis smiled happily and set his face in his hands. "Tell me everything!"

Typical Francis. It really hadn't surprised Antonio that he hadn't hooked up. Francis liked sex as much as the next, but he wanted romance. He wanted to be swept off his feet. He didn't share Antonio and Gilbert's views on single life and partying until the sun came up. Francis could live that life for so long, but at the end of the day he wanted true love, romance, someone to hold when he closed his eyes. Those things just weren't that important to the other two.

"There's nothing to tell. I accomplished everything I wanted. I took it, and still do. The thing is that there are these confusing things I've been experiencing. He's cute...like really cute. Not the type of cute you use to say someone's attractive, though he is. It's more...the way he laughs and the way his eyes light up when he talks about things he loves. He's sweet and he's shy. He trusts me and I can't tell he doesn't trust many people. He's so smart and I mean, he's just...he's out of my league and this wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to start liking him. I can't even imagine breaking his heart. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't see how I can not. And his brother has cancer pretty badly and his father won't speak to him. He's so stressed out. The poor kid is so exhausted and sick. I just want to take care of him, but when I see him…"

Antonio shook his head. It was stupid. He was stupid. Everything was stupid. Of course Lovino would never like him back. Lovino had goals. He didn't need someone as worthless as Antonio weighing him down. Why would anyone like him? He was such a loser.

"Well, mon ami, it sounds like you have a little crush on this Italian boy. You know how I feel about love. Gilbert would stone me for this, but I don't care. Ask him out. Stop using him. If you care about him, if you love him, express it, but don't worry if that's not how he feels. Love can't be forced. It's fragile and should be handled with care. Treat him like you love him, and he'll come around."

"Okay…" Antonio whispered.

"Hey, Toni, don't be so glum! You'll do great. You're a sweetheart! And don't worry, things like what happened with Emma can't happen with Lovino. He's a guy. He has the wrong parts. Men don't have children."

"Yeah…" Antonio muttered and went back to writing names with his friend, his body protesting the whole while.

As if you couldn't tell, Roma is a pretty overly religious person and has raised both boys with strict views. Lovino has been more diligent than Feliciano as he just wants to make his father proud. Roma does take things out of control though and goes to extremes. The dynamic between those two won't get much better until probably one of the sequels.

I'm going to start incorporating small scenes from Antonio's perspective here and there from now on to give y'all and idea what's going on with him and prevent it from being so one sided. Let me know how y'all like it. Please excuse any mistakes. This has been a long week.

I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading. Please review!