Chapter 10: I'm Only Human After All

Adder placed me against his side in the old room. I knew every corner, every crevice, and every dark memory that it brought back to me. I was panting heavily while even trying to stand at this point was serving difficult. Adder tried to get me to stand up straight while he prepared a mat for me to lie on, but it was no use. The pains shooting from my back were unbearable and I collapsed on his shoulder. Adder lifted his hand to smooth over my hair, but hesitated for the situation didn't call for such affection.

"Lin? Can you stand at all?" He was balancing me against his back as he struggled to move the mat, more or less, underneath my form.

"I don't think so," I huffed.

He gave up the battle of the mat and laid me across the floor first. I hadn't a clue why he didn't think to do this first, perhaps he didn't want to separate himself from me for too long. It wasn't a solid answer to his difficulties, but Adder was Adder. It was as simple as that. He was my corny older brother as he was around twenty years older and he looked it. He positioned the mat near my head, covering it with a fine, white cloth and rolled me on top of it.

"Ah!" The quick movement tugged at the edges of my scabbing scratches.

"I'm sorry!" Adder quickly intoned.

"Please, stop apologizing for everything." It was starting to annoy me. "The wounds will hurt, there is no denying that. You aren't hurting it anymore than what I could do."

"I want you to get away from this place, Lin. I don't want him to have you" He paused for a moment and looked into my eyes. I turned away, not wanting to provoke any lingering yearnings in his own heart.

"I don't want him to have you in such pain." Adder continued, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

"I'm strong. Okay? I will learn my place and it won't happen again." I didn't know whether that was truth or not, but for Adder's sake it better be. The words burned me with the thought of being bound to this house, bound to a Master I never asked for.

He didn't say anything afterwards. I turned on my stomach and recoiled as he too began to take my kimono off.

*Why? Oh, why can't I just remain dressed?*

Adder exposed my back and I waited for the gasp of horror, the utter revulsion of what he was examining, but never did come. Adder, prodded the edges of the wounds, feeling for tender areas along my back, and I admittedly let him know when it hurt. I was merely joking around to lighten the overwhelmingly bad humor that had settled on us. I'd over exaggerate every pain, but Adder didn't take it as amusing, so I quickly ceased my teasing and settled in quiet. Adder left for a short time, leaving my back bare to the chilled room and my hair tasseled across my cheek.

In his short absence I was determined to stay at peace with myself. It wasn't good or useful to get over emotional at a time like this and the extra quaking associated with tears didn't sound good to the stillness setting in that room. I wouldn't want to disturb any healing or put me in more discomfort than I was already in.

Adder reentered the room with some foul smelling substance in a jar. It was the color of a fresh, young sapling and smelled of a rotting fish.

"What is that stuff!" I exclaimed, turning ever so slightly to see Adder kneeling at my side.

"Shh!" he hissed, "This will make it so scaring won't take place. You don't want scars, now do you?"

I thought about this. I did not know why Naraku wanted to heal me so completely, but if I scarred and Naraku didn't want me back…then it seemed like a simple answer. But if I allowed such markings to mar my skin, I would always be reminded of what got the better of me. For that moment, I opted for the less permanent and frankly, the present predicament that was at hand.

"No, I guess I don't. But why must it smell so rank?" I wrinkled my nose and attempted to block the smell with the musty mat.

"Well, you don't expect something that works to smell like roses do you?"

"I suppose not. Nothing ever seems to work out that way, after all. Hey, Adder?"

"Yeah," he responded, measuring the substance in one of his hands.

"Would that scar stuff work on the scar he gave me down my clavicle?" I don't know why I hadn't thought of it in a while, but it was worth a shot to ask. If I could get rid of it, might as well.

"No," he answered and I arched my back in protest. Not a good idea because the pain made me crumble a bit. "Stop being stubborn and listen to me when I say that this stuff will do no good on THAT scar. It's not the same." I was about to press for more information on the mysterious mark, but he just shook his head and I rested my head down without another word. It wasn't time, I thought.

I relaxed against the mat, pressing as deep as it would allow, when his hands began to massage the lacquered mass on my back. To my surprise, it was more soothing than I would have expected. It cooled the burning itch of the incisions.

This became the routine for some time. It was rather boring if you think about it. I would always be in the same spot, day in and day out. I would rest on my stomach because I had nothing better to do while the wounds healed. In a few days, the soreness began to dwindle in my sides. I could sway my hips in aggravation when I was left to entertain myself when Adder went off to do who knows what. By a fortnight, I could see a drastic change in the scars along my arms and shoulders. They were no longer red, but became pale as my skin. You could only really see them if you were as close as I was. By three weeks, my arms and shoulders were clear of any abomination. That only left the question of my back. I couldn't see it, obviously, so Adder was my only reliable source to inquire about its progress. It had, indeed, gotten the worst of the blows and I expected it to take more time, but once two months had been covered, I was starting to wonder.

Everyday, I would ask of my back. Adder would just slap on more of that rank gelatin and grunt something along the lines of, "It's getting much better. Can hardly see a thing."

Now for some time I had suspected that Adder was protecting me the only way he could, by lying. He wasn't very convincible unless he had a decent reason to be prolonging time. He didn't want Naraku to call for me, that I knew, but he couldn't keep me here forever. Naraku's patience would wear thin and he'd come snooping or send Char snooping for him. I had to confront Adder before this got out of hand.

I slowly twisted myself into a sitting position, dragging the white clothe with me to cover my front, while Adder was still in the process of working in the healing herbs.

"What is this, Lin?" he asked and tried to push my shoulder to the mat. This somewhat startled me, I'm not going to lie to you. I pushed his hand away faster than I thought possible and he looked saddened.

"Sorry, Adder, but I don't believe that I'm still scarred."

"I'll tell you when you're completely healed. It's not time for you to go to Naraku."

"Who said anything about Naraku? I just don't believe I'm still scarred. I don't care if you lie to him, Adder, but fess up now."

Adder lowered the jar onto the floor, making a small 'tink' sound. "If you know, it won't stay hidden from him. I thought this was for the best."

I pulled my kimono from around my waist and heaved it over my shoulders with no trouble at all. Nothing caught onto my back or my skin in general. It was time. I pulled Adder's head into a sisterly embrace and kissed him on the forehead.

"You are the best part of what family is. I couldn't ask for more than what you have sacrificed for me. Thank you, but my time is up. I must go."

I picked myself off the floor and stood straight up. I was confident, scared out of my wits, but I wouldn't let it show. Adder just looked up at me, his lowered state compared with my tall statuesque appearance was nerve racking. How could a strong man like Adder be so sentimental towards me? And yet still be so weak, in a way? I didn't like causing him to feel less than what he truly was. He had more strength in him, more than I could ever possess.

I made it halfway to the door when Adder voice rose to perfect articulation. "I'm going with you then!"

I turned to just see him standing up. I held out my hand and shaking my head I said, "Not this time."

"You can't defeat him alone. There is nothing to distract him, nothing to stop him!" Adder was frantically trying to find a weakness in my strong stance. I merely held my hand up higher and looked him directly in the eye.

"I don't intend to defeat him, Adder. I don't believe that is my destiny. I could never defeat him in the way you are probably thinking. I won't let him get the best of me. I'll take the punishment for endangering my friends and family- but he won't see me suffer."

"You've already been punished and you still don't deserve what you are about to receive." The last word hung in the air a while. It didn't seem to fit.

"We don't always deserve what we get, but I have lives to think about. I've never been one to sacrifice anything grand for the people in my life, but I've been given another chance at happiness…another chance with a family. And, although it is disgusting to picture it, I must forfeit my fair share to help the ones I've come to love. "

"But it doesn't have to be that way," he whimpered.

"This is exactly how it has to be, unless a miracle occurs, I must do what is best for everyone."

I was sliding the door open when Adder, in the quietest voice he could collect, said, "I love you."

I only hesitated at the door once. I didn't return the feelings he had intended that statement to convey to me, but Adder knew that. I could see it in his face, his eyes. He was letting me go- letting me have no attachments when I went to Naraku. I wanted to rush to his arms and lull him to comfort. He was my brother, my only brother, and I would never forget him. Yet this slight hesitation had me reeling in feelings of loss. I wanted Rin and, for some strange reason, more than anything, I wanted Sesshomaru. It was a confusing realization that I had pieced sentiments with everyone and finally landed on his name, Sesshomaru. But I knew he belonged in my thoughts just as much as my original family. He had given me as much, if not more, protection.

However, I forced the thought down. I couldn't be bothered with these distractions, these memories. For that's what they had to remain for me to accomplish what was to be done. I couldn't think of them as real and if that was achieved, I could force the memories into nonexistence (at least for now).

I squeezed through the door without much room, leaving Adder behind. I couldn't respond if I was to stay strong. I made my way down the corridor and not even bothering to knock, slid his door wide open and took one step in.

"Master Naraku?" I called to the seemingly vacant, dark room. There was a stir from the corner and a low hiss of a laugh escaped the black pitch.

"Lin? How pleasant it is to see you well." The intensity of his radiant eyes seemed magnified even amongst the shadows.

"Naraku, as you've probably noticed, I'm better." There wasn't much else to confirm. It was all he needed.

"Yes, it would seem so, but I've know for weeks now." It was hard to ignore the mocking tones that he insisted on using.

"Then why…"

Naraku held up his hand and I stopped in mid-sentence. He patted the floor next to him, holding back a small smirk, knowing full well that he had me where he wanted.

"Come."

I lowered my head, eyeing the wall like I normally do in these types of situations. I wasn't much in the mood for unwanted physical contact at that moment. I moved with difficulty across the floor when I couldn't force my body to cooperate. I sat right next to him, but wouldn't allow myself to look to him. I wanted to feel numb. I'd never had these sentiments shoved on me before and I wasn't sure I liked it. I tried to close my mind and await a touch that would commence my pain and worst fear for the time being. Naraku leaned towards me and I could feel his body heat near the top of my head, when he began to speak:

"You don't know what you are, do you?" he asked, his voice emotionless.

My eyes opened and I finally turned to him. I was, of course, baffled. What did that mean? What had he in mind? And why was he telling me this now?

"I thought as much," he said, sighing in the process. "Then it's time for you to learn of your heritage."