Jane's point of view.
I wake up in a cold sweat, my heart pounding, adrenaline coursing through me, I've had the same dream almost every night since Hoyt, now it's different. I get up trying not to disturb Ma, we'd both fallen asleep on her couch last night.
In the bathroom I splash some water on my face and look up in the mirror at myself, no matter how much I try to convince myself that the dream isn't as terrifying as it used to be, I can't because now it's even more terrifying.
When I step out my mother is getting off the couch.
"Good morning." She says groggily.
"You still have hours to sleep." I tell her glancing at the clock.
"Are you alright?" She asks.
I nod but it's shaky.
I run up to my old bedroom find a pair of sweat pants and a hoodie, change and then go back down stairs. Pick up my phone off the coffee table and search for my shoes.
"Where are you going?"
"For a run." I say.
"You can't go running now"
"I have to." I say.
"Jane, wait. I'll go with you." She says.
I chuckle imagining my mother running.
"It's fine. I'm okay. Go back to sleep." I say as I tie my shoes.
"I can't. Not when you're like this."
"I'd rather go alone. Seriously, go back to sleep." I say.
I step outside trying to get away from my mothers protest.
I run down the stairs of the porch and into the cold air. It fills my lungs and reminds me what's real and what's not. The dreams aren't real.
I pound my feet harder and run faster. My lungs burn like I can't get enough air. I want to run so hard that my body screams in pain. I want to feel something that I know how to deal with, because I don't know what to do with this. It's not the same as the other nightmare. That one had me scared to death, because Hoyt wanted to hurt me. This dream is the opposite. Hoyt isn't hurting me, he's hurting Maura. It feels like my guts are being ripped out. I can't stand it. I want to scream. Digging in, I push off the ground harder and run faster. I lengthen my stride. My arms pump at my sides and I sprint as fast as I can.
I feel my phone vibrate, holding my hands on my hips, I stop and suck in air. I stay like that for a few moments just trying to catch my breath. When the cramp subsides, I pull my phone out, there's a text message from Maura with two words that make my heart rate increase.
I know. It's says.
I type back with shaky hands. What do you know?
Everything. She replies.
I didn't realize you were Google. I type back trying to calm down.
Charles Hoyt and intersex. Need I say more? She replies.
I read what she said over and over again. How the hell does she know any of that, Arthur could have opened his mouth and gave her the name, but he wouldn't tell her anything else there's a non disclosure agreement in place for a reason. It hits me then. Melody, she knows everything.
I shove my phone back in my pocket and continue to run. The only thing in my head is the pounding of my heart and the rush of air filling my lungs.
Maura's point of view.
The next morning I wake early, I slept on and off but never fell into a deep sleep. I want to talk to Jane so bad, let her know I know.
I grab my phone pull up her number and type out a text.
I know. I type out and hit send.
Minutes later i receive one back.
What do you know?
Everything. I reply back.
I didn't realize you were Google. She types back.
I roll my eyes at my phone.
Charles Hoyt and intersex. Need I say more? I reply back.
She doesn't reply back. It doesn't surprise me, I'd just hoped it would start a conversation between us.
I get out of bed and take a shower, hoping that when I get to work I still have a job.
I get there early, the place is practically empty. I sit at my desk and wait for my computer to power up.
Why the hell did you do that?!" I hear Jane shout.
And I panic thinking she's speaking to me.
"I know you're mad Jane." I hear Melody say, calmly.
That's when I realize Jane's not here to speak to me. She's here to speak to Melody.
"Mad? I'm fucking furious!
"Don't you think she deserved to know who you really are." Melody says.
I move where I can see them, and hope neither of them spot me.
"I was going to tell her." Jane says through her teeth.
Jane moves to walk away when Melody grabs her arm.
"Jane, please let me explain."
"If you've screwed this up for me I swear I'll never speak to you again." Jane says before snatching away from her.
She moves and her eyes connect with mine. I feel the panic set in once more. But she doesn't make a move towards me. She walks back to the elevators not looking back at me again.
I ride the elevator down to the lobby during my lunch hour, I want to try out the deli down the street, but a hand on my shoulder stops me. I turn on my heels and Jane is standing there.
"Hey." She says. Her voice is dry and crackly.
I stare at her.
"I believe I owe you lunch."
I nod.
"Come on." She says. Leading me back to the elevators.
The ride up is silent, when the doors open Jane allows me to go out first. I walk in front of her until we get inside her office.
She shuts the door behind her, and I stand there awkwardly.
"I didn't know what you wanted so I just ordered a whole bunch of stuff." Jane says while walking over to her desk where it's filled with enough take out boxes to feed a small village. But I'm suddenly not hungry, and Jane doesn't make a move to eat anything either.
"Can I you a question?" I blurt out, when the quiet gets to much for me.
She briefly glances at me but doesn't say anything. I let out a sigh, and ask anyways.
"You knowing my father has nothing to do with us being here now?"
"I meant what I said yesterday Maura."
I believe her.
"He sexually abused you didn't he?" I ask, referring to Charles Hoyt. Even though I think I already know the answer from what I read yesterday.
She shakes her head yes, looking everywhere but at me.
"She should have let me tell you." Jane says quietly.
"When would you have told me? When you've pushed me away enough times to make me give up on this, on you?" I say.
Im not angry with who she is, or what happened to her, but that she didn't trust me enough to tell me.
"I don't care who you are I never would have judged you for that, and I would have understood if you had been the one to tell me about Charles Hoyt."
"I know what your saying but it's hard to admit to being overpowered like that."
We stand in silence again.
"Why are you looking for him?" I ask.
"The nasty piece of shit just disappeared into thin air, and it won't be right until he's buried for good." Her expression hardens.
"Jane, what are you going to do?" I don't like the tone of her voice. I hate that Charles did what he did and nothing happened to him, but I don't want Jane to do something stupid and get herself in trouble.
She doesn't answer so I move on to my next question.
"Why are you so reluctant to talk about your father?" I ask, meeting her stare, which has gone from indifferent to intense in the span of a second. Her eyes squint at me.
Jane walks towards the window she looks out, seemingly lost in her own thoughts.
"Jane." I finally say.
She turns to face me her hands stuffed into her pockets. I look into her eyes and I hate the fact that her expression is soft, and she seems vulnerable.
She stays silence for what seems to be the longest seconds of my life.
Jane sits on the couch, and drops her head down, running both hands through her hair.
"My father used to beat the shit out of my mother," she suddenly says.
She's looking in my direction, but she's not making eye contact.
"He blamed her for my condition. That's partly why she sent me to see a therapist. She thought I was emotionally screwed up from watching my father beat on her everyday, and listening to him tell her how wrong I was.
"And you blame your father for what was done to you, don't you?" I ask.
She nods, her eyes finally fall on me, and the look in them scares me. She seems helpless.
"Is that why you've never let me touch you?" I ask her.
Her eyes stare past me again.
"Maura, what he did is beyond anyone's imagination. And in certain situations I have triggers that set me off which I try to keep under control. That's why I don't let you touch me." She says trying to remain indifferent, cold.
"Does your mother know what happened to you?"
"Yup." She says casually.
She doesn't even look at me. It's not unexpected but still makes me want to scream.
Her mannerism, her expression, everything about her is so different then what it was yesterday.
"Why did your mother stay with your father for so long?"
"He made the decision to leave she didn't, he got tired of paying for all my doctor's visits. She was terrified to leave him. Having to raise three children in her own, and all my problems..." She trails off and stays silent for a long time.
"Can that be enough for now? Just for today?" She finally asks me, looking into my eyes and I nod.