Disclaimer: we all know how it goes... i don´t own twilight...
Chapter 9 Decisions
I stood outside my house, feeling the rain fall down on my face, thinking about what I had just done.
I just told Edward to go save Bella because I ain´t gonna be there forever.
You did it for Leah, and because you have finally realized how sick your relationship with Bella is.
I love Bella, and if she won´t love me back what´s wrong with loving her as a friend? Had I really come to the conclusion that pur realtionship is not right? I know I did the right thing but I feel so horrible, because I somehow hurt Bella and that´s wrong on so many levels… and I feel selfish, so selfish…
It´s not selfish to want what´s best for you.
Is it really what´s best for me?
Only time can tell, I guess…
I closed my eyes and sighed. In that moment images started flashing in my mind: Bella smiling, Bella laughing, Bella talking about something random and silly, Bella worried, biting her lip. What the hell have I done?! But this time the voice did not answer back and I tried to hold the image of Bella smiling broadly at me. Her brown eyes shinning, her hair all over the place… Bella, but her image started shifting: her hair got blacker, her skin got darker, until Bella was no longer staring back at me, it was Leah. And the images started flashing again: grumpy Leah, sleepy Leah, fun Leah, sad Leah, telling me how she couldn´t be with me while I was still in love with Bella… now that I think about it, I can´t remember a time when I was´t in love with her…
Are you? Still in love with Bella?
No, I don´t think so, she´s become like a sister to me and I only want what´s best for her…
Then call Leah!
How can that do any good to Bella?
Think about it, Bella would want you to be happy right? And don´t deny it, Leah makes you happy… so Leah is what´s good for both of you…
It´s too soon! I´m not ready… I just want to not think for a moment… or a day, maybe two or three.
Pfft!
And the voice said no more.
I sighed. Why was I talking to myself? Well to a voice inside my head… who was that anyway?
-"Jacob! Come inside son! You´ll get sick!" my dad yelled from the inside.
First sign of being crazy: hearing voices. I smiled as I entered the house and wiped my feet in the welcome mat.
-"I´m a were-"
-"-wolf, I know, but I got you to come in didn´t I?"-he smiled-"I need to talk to you"
-"Ok, about what?"
-"Bella" he raised his eyebrows, eyeing my reaction.
He he
-"What about Bella?"
-"Look son, I know you´re in love with her but you have to realize that maybe she doesn´t want to be with you in that way…"
-"Dad, stop, I know what you think, and what everyone thinks for that matter, and I want you to know that I know, I understand that Bella can never love me the way I love her"-so you do love her? Still?-"and that I have taken measures-"
-"Measures? For what?"
-"Measures to make sure that she is happy and safe next to her bloodsucker…"
-"I don´t understand"
-"Dad, today I went to Bella´s house because I needed to set things right with Leah, it wasn´t my intention to end up talking to Edward but I did, I told him that he needed to start accepting the consequences of his actions because I am getting tired of picking up the pieces only so that he could come back and break her apart again, after all Bella is his wife, so he needs to take care of her… I think he understood but he didn´t take it well, pfff, you should´ve seen his face… and that´s about it…"
My dad just sat there, looking at me, was it really so hard to believe?
-"Son are you sure that was the right thing to do?" he said slowly. I sighed.
-"No, but I care about Leah, and if Bella cares for me she will understand why I had to leave her without saying goodbye…"
-"You didn´t say goodbye?" he looked even more surprised.
-"No"
-"Well, as long as you can live with your decisions, son, I´ll stand by you."
Can you live with your decisions?
I hope so… I really, really hope so.
The days passed on and I didn´t hear about Bella or Leah, not even the pack. Nobody came to visit me, or bother me for that matter, and I felt that it was my dad who was telling everybody to stay away for a while. I spent those days working, running, doing anything that could exhaust me, all with the hopes of having a dreamless sleep… but no matter how hard I tried and how exhausted I was, I would lay in bed for hours and sleep would not come and when it came, it was with dreams…
*Dream*
I was standing in the cliff from where I usually jumped with the boys, just staring into the sun. I felt a small hand on my back but I was´t scared, even though I had heard nobody move; when I turned I saw Bella in a long midnight blue dress, looking at me with tears in her eyes.
-"Why did you leave Jake? Why didn´t you say goodbye?" she whispered brokenly.
-"I´m sorry, I had to" I mumbled, but I couldn´t remember why I had done such a terrible thing.
-"Do you not love me enough to stay?"
She picked up her dress and slowly walked towards the edge of the cliff.
-"I do, but sometimes the pain is just too much"
Her brow furrowed.
-"Pain?"
-"Yes, the pain of knowing that you can never be mine"
She smiled sadly.
-"But Jake, I will always be yours" she said simply.
She took another step closer to the edge and looked at me with tears running down her cheeks. I sighed.
-"Don´t lie, Bells, we both know it´s not true"
-"But it is… we can always find a way to be together…" she said in a small voice.
-"No, we can´t"
Why was I being so stubborn? She was offering me a chance to be together and I kept telling her that I couldn´t.
She grabbed her hair in desesperation.
-"Why do you make things so complicated?!" she almost screamed.
-"I only want what´s best for you…" I took a few steps towards her.
-"Then why´d you leave? I´m lost without you!" she whispered, all her anger gone.
-"I know"
-"You don´t care do you? Not anymore, you are finally sick of me…"
-"I…I- "
-"I don´t wanna hear it"-she said sadly as she took another step closer to the edge-"you´re done with me"-she looked down into the sea-"now I´m done with you!"- and then she jumped.
-"No!" I yelled as I walked towards the edge, taking off my shirt and shoes in the process. I was about to jump off when I heard another voice.
-"Jake? What are you doing?"
I turned around and saw Leah in a long blood-red dress, with a worried look on her face.
-"Leah?"
-"Please step away from the edge, Jake" she said calmly.
-"But Bella-"
-"Bella is dead"-she said coldly-"well, dead to us I mean, a bloodsucker is not a living creature anymore and life´s for the living…"-she walked up to me and whispered in my ear-"so let´s live it my love"
-"What?"
-"Oh don´t play dumb Jake, we both know what you feel for me and what I feel for you, did you really think I made you say goodbye to Bella for your own good?"
Made me?
-"Well, yeah…"
-"So silly Jake. I just did that because I wanted you all to myself! And you did what I told you to because you care for me… and we can turn this into something very interesting."-she laughed as I looked over the edge again.-"come home with me Jake and we can start a new life together"
-"But Bella…"
-"Edward can save her"
And that was always when I woke up and no matter how hard I tried I could never remember what my decision had been. I couldn´t help but wonder what the dream meant but the thing that really bothered me was what my decision had been: had I have jumped after Bella? Or had I gone home with Leah?
Wich one would you make? The voice kept asking. And as I worked and ran I kept asking myself the same question, what is my decision? Going back to Bella or going to Leah? If so, what were my feelings towards her? It was so frustating! And the more I told myself that I shouldn´t worry anymore, the more I thought about it.
I was so sick of my thoughts that when my father found me banging my head to the wall he just stared at me and started laughing.
-"Still dwelling on it?" he said with a smirk.
After I looked at him with what I supposed was a murderous look he left me alone.
The next day he was back again in my room but with a different comment.
-"Someone´s here to see you"
-"Don´t wanna see anybody" I mumbled into my pillow.
-"Too late" he said and wheeled himself again.
-"Dad!" I grumbled as I got up.
Someone coughed behind me. I froze and slowly turned to face whoever was in my doorway. Leah was standing there, looking akward and uncomfortable. I just stood there, waiting for her to say something.
-"Hey, Jake"
-"Hey, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"
-"Hey, can´t I come and see my new best friend?" she attempted a smile.
I rolled my eyes.
-"Right… so now you accept our friendship?"
-"I´m here ain´t I?"-She laughed nervously-"Can we go outside?"
-"Sure, sure"
I walked behind her, holding the door as she walked through.
What does she want here?
You do realize how stupid your question sounded, right? She´s here because she heard about Bella and Edward and you… since you didn´t go to her, she came to you…
-"Seth told me about what you said to Edward…" she looked at the ground but before she could say anything else I started talking.
-"Okay, look, I´m sorry I didn´t call you"-her head snapped up-"the moment I got home, it´s just that I… needed time…" I gestured uselessly with my hands.
-"I understand and I just came here to tell you that I´m proud of you. Because you are all that I wish I could be and you did the one thing I have never been able to do… you let go of the thing that keeps you together and you are still you and well, I really am proud of you because you did the right thing" she smiled weakly at me.
-"I-what?"-I said in shock-"You are proud of me?" I just stared at her, my eyes were the size of saucers.
See? She´s not so bad after all
-"Yeah… but don´t push your luck, Jacob" she glared at me.
Well most of the times…
-"Now that´s the Leah I know!"-I said and then had the crazy impulse to hug her, so I hugged her. She didn´t move at all-"come on Leah, I know you still remember how to hug people…"-she moved her arms around me slowly, cautiously and sighed.
She rested her head on my shoulder and slowly relaxed.
-"I ain´t gonna bite you… hard"-and then she pushed me away, with a hard smack in the arm.
-"Oh shut it!" she said with a smile as her cheeks colored.
Yep, Leah Clearwater actually blushed.
-"Now, why did you really come here?"
-"I-well the boys wanted someone to come here and see if you were still alive and well, sane…"-I raised an eyebrow-"ok, ok, I lost a bet and I was chosen as the one who had to come"
I started laughing.
-"Well, you can tell the guys I´m alive and okay" I said smiling at her.
Her brow furrowed and she looked at me with worry written clearly on her face.
-"Are you really okay Jake?"
-"Yes" I said without hesitating.
So now you are okay?
She shrugged.
-"Okay, then I´m leaving now" she turned to leave. Right then Paul came running out of the forest, with cut-offs and looking stressed.
-"Great, you´re still here, less people to find"
-"What happened?" Leah asked quickly.
-"Seth called Sam"
-"Where´s Seth?" I asked.
Oh where oh where could he be?
-"At the Cullen´s"
-"And the news are?" Leah snapped.
-"Edward has decided to change Bella."- My world went cold -"They are asking permission, well not really, they just want to know if we will attack them when he bites Bella…"
I started shaking from anger. He was going to change her. I closed my fists, trying to control my anger. She is going to be my worst enemy, Bella, my own Bella… my own worst enemy. I won´t ever be able to see her again, she won´t be herself anymore.
It´s all your fault. If you hadn´t gone and talked to him, he wouldn´t have reconsidered it and well, it´s your fault!
Shut up! I know it is my fault, but now I have to do something about it. God I wish I had stayed out of this! Why did I listen to Leah?
Because you care about her!
I would have been perfectly happy just keeping her company! It´s not like she forced me to leave her side! I just had to go and ruin everything!
You did what was right! We´ve been through this!
Now I won´t be able to do anything close to her. It is more likely that I will want to kill her the momemt I see her! And she will want to kill me too.
Focus, Jacob.
I tried to imagine Bella being aggressive and violent but I couldn´t. But I felt the wolf inside of me pushing harder to get out and I didn´t have enough will power to contain him. She will stop being Bella and it is all my fault!
-"No!" I yelled at them before the wolf took over me and I started running away from a startled Leah and a cursing Paul.
What are you doing?
Cullen house. I felt the twigs below my paws break and the leaves crunch as I ran through the forest. So good to be out on the forest again.
Why? What are you going to do?
I have to stop him.I have to do something about it. I can´t just stand by and let him bite her… different scenarios passed through, but most of them included ripping Edward to shreds in front of Bella…
So you are going to show up with your sorry face and say: please don´t turn her, I was wrong, I´d rather she be a human vegetable! I don´t want her to be happy!
I´d rather just rip him apart, but I slowed down as I realized that the little voice was right. I was too late, he was going to changer her, there was nothing to do, but I had already arrived at the house.
"Jake? Where are you?"
"Leah? What happened to not shifting anymore?"
I just stared at the house, smelling. Vampires, and more werewolfs than usual. But Bella was still human. I was just in time.
"There are some things that are worth losing my humanity over… But listen to me, you can´t run away again, so show me where you are"
"I´ll see you at the Cullen house"
Now came the little issue about my clothes.
"I´ll bring you some"
I felt Leah go back to my house and then disappear. I heard voices from the inside and started walking forward, away from the cover of the trees.
-"We have to wait! They are on their way!" Sam screamed at someone and he sounded pretty upset.
-"But we have to do it before he changes his mind again!" the little pixie said.
-"And where is the harm in that?" Quil asked.
-"You don´t understand! Where is Jacob?" I heard her pacing around the room.
-"He´s coming, relax" Seth said, trying to calm everyone. Everyone felt silent.
-"Stop doing that" Sam said calmly, way too calmly.
Jasper. He´s messing with their heads.
-"He´s outside" Edward said calmly. I heard someone get up and start running towards the back door. The door opened and out came Bella.
-"Jake!" she said as she ran to hug me.
I took a step back before she could throw herself at me.
-"I´m sorry Jake"-she mumbled-"but this is the only thing I have ever wanted."
I rolled my eyes.
No news there.
-"He´s not surprised"-Edward said form the doorway. I growled at him-"figured you might need a translator"
So I am supposed to thank you?
-"No, I should be the one thanking you. You made me see how wrong I was"
I rolled my eyes at him.
Where are my clothes when I need them?
-"She´ll be here soon. I´ll wait inside"
Bella watched him go and then turned again to me. I looked at her from above.
-"Please sit Jake, I want to tell you something"
I sat down but when I saw that she sat down too (on a little patch of grass) I decided that the best way for us to be level was if I laid down, so I did.
-"Look, Jake, I… well I heard what you told Edward the other day, I was watching from upstairs… and I want you to know that I understand, I understand why you are doing this."-she gestured between us-"I have to say that you did the right thing, I am not right for you, I´m broken… and I am sorry for the pain I have caused you, I know that it is wrong but I need you, after what happened you were my only friend and my sun"-she smiled sadly-"you will always be my sun, Jake. You made me feel so happy everytime you came around… but- you know when I heard you say that it was all your fault I couldn´t help but think: I´ve finally done it, I´ve finally pushed Jacob away… and I´ve never regretted anything this much… I am really sorry, Jake, I hope you can forgive me one day."-one single tear slid down her cheek-"you didn´t come to my wedding but you are here today and it means the world to me, because it is so much more important that you are here today… today I change…"
I have never wished to be human so badly before this. There were so many things I had to tell her. So I just stood up and went to a nearby bush, that I was sure would cover the lower part of my body, I became human again.
-"Bella, you don´t need to apologize, I brought this on myself. I was so stubborn, always trying to win you back, to make you realize that you could be better with me… but I realized too late that there was nothing that could be done: you love Edward and, as much as it pains me to say this, he loves you. I hope you are happy with him, you have eternity next to each other. And you are right, today you change, you leave me behind…"
And I was a wolf again. I looked at Bella, who looked back with tears in her eyes before she closed them.
-"Jake…" she whispered.
"I have your clothes with me, just let me shift and I´ll give them to you."
I turned around and left her there, crying, holding her hands to her chest and whispering my name.
I think you might have broken her heart.
I know.
Leah was waiting for me behind a bush and looked at me with pity in her eyes.
-"I´m sorry, Jake"
I sighed.
-"So am I"-I said as I put on the clothes she had brought me-"let´s go inside now, they are waiting"
:O can you believe that? hehe what do you think he should do?
hey everyone! i just want to say that i´m sorry for making you all wait... but i´m here now :D and this one had been the longest chapter i have ever posted! i´m proud of myself (well who wouldn´t i´ve had like forever to write this... now that i think about it, i´m not that proud...)
well whatever i just wanna thank everyone who keeps reading this! and of course by lovely beta Ibella999 who keeps bearing with me and all my crazy dilemmas and well, craziness in general 3 (otro corazoncito, solo para ti!!!)
REVIEW! pretty please?