Suggested listening: Breathe Me, Sia; Thousand Mile Wish, Finger Eleven; What I Wouldn't Give, Holly Brook; Where I Stood, Missy Higgins; Slow Moves, Jose Gonzalez; Ghost, Indigo Girls; Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons; Basket Case, Sara Bareilles
A.N.: To all those who realize that I'm trying to tell real life stories with these characters we love – thank you. And I hope you enjoy.
Chapter 9 – Steel Train Touch
Do I? Rachel looked down at the phone in her clenched fist. Come and find you. She continued to pace the length of her room. Do I really want to listen again? Nothing is going to change after the fourth time, Rachel. She ran a hand through her hair, shaking her head. Why? Why now? She stopped in the middle of the floor, closing her eyes and pressing a fist to her forehead even as she replayed the message. Noah...She massaged her temples with one hand as she listened to him sing, her eyes burning. Rachel, stop it! Catching her breath, Rachel ended the call, dialing Lori's number with shaking fingers. Damn him and damn you for listening over and over again...
"Hello?" Lori snatched up her cell phone, glancing at the clock. "Hey, what -" She cleared her throat. "What happened? I figured I'd hear from you like, an hour ago."
"I, um...I -" changed into my pajamas and then spent the last two hours listening to a song on repeat and trying not to lose my mind. Rachel swallowed. "I came back to a voicemail from - from Noah." Who apparently didn't lose my number.
"To a what?" Lori took a deep breath, bracing herself.
"He left me a message, Lor, a...he sang me a song. I don't recognize it. I...actually, I think he wrote it." The feel of it, the fact that he left it on my voicemail tells me it's him...but why now? Rachel frowned out her window. "What I don't understand is what made him call me? He's had my number." And why didn't you change it, Rachel? She picked an invisible thread from her dress. "He - so far as I know, my father hasn't spoken to him lately, so he called without authorization, despite his previous agreement." She closed her eyes against the fluttering in her stomach. Why, Noah, why now? What does this mean? "And that song. The chorus was literally 'Come and find me now.' Come and find him? Is he quite sane?" Rachel kicked her shoes off, climbing onto her bed to pull the pillow across her face. Noah is fine without me. He made that clear.
"Rachel. It was a song. There could be a million reasons he wrote it, maybe he just wanted you to know you inspire him, who knows?" Lori frowned at the clock, willing the hours backwards.
"I said goodbye, Lori. We closed that door," Rachel insisted, moving the pillow and glancing towards her nightstand at her journal. I wrote that letter, I have nothing left to say. "He cannot just waltz in and out of my life as it suits him. That's simply unacceptable." Never again. No more. Her voice rose. "I need order and stability, I need security, I need -"
"To calm down. Rach, calm down." Lori paused to let Rachel breathe. "Honey, I don't know what goes on in that boy's head, but you can rest assured it's nothing malicious. He loves you."
"He - he what?" Did she just say that? Rachel pulled the pillow from her face. Loves me? "He -"
"I mean, it's obvious he really cares about you," Lori interjected quickly, swearing under her breath. "You said it yourself, that it was just the whole 'Puck' thing that screwed it all up. And he wrote a song for you. You don't think he cares?"
"Lori, there's caring and there's love. And you clearly said love." Rachel sat up in bed. Oh...oh, no. That would - it would make sense. "Lor...Did you talk to him again?"
Lori chewed her lip before she evaded. "Rach, let's just focus on -"
"Lori." Do not toy with me around this. "Did you talk to him, Lori." Rachel held her breath. She did, she must have...
"Maybe?" Her friend groaned into the phone. "Damn it, why is it too late for me to come over? Freaking curfew." Lori blew out a breath. "All right, fine, I was worried about you and I couldn't think of what else to do, Rach. You have to slow down and I was desperate and I called him to ask for advice. And..."
"And he wrote me a song." Rachel dropped back against the pillows. He wrote me a song? "You - he - " She looked to the ceiling, shaking her head. What on Earth is going on here..."This is madness, you realize that? Madness." Anything and everything with Noah seems to be madness, Rachel..."First, that my best friend would call on the person who basically ruined me for help in...what, exactly? Hmm? What have I done or not done to warrant such a dramatic intervention? What rule have I broken, or event have I missed?" Why does everyone think there's something wrong?
"Nothing, not a thing, you're absolutely right." Lori heaved a sigh. "But Rach, that's part of the problem. You've been running so hard for so long - it makes me tired watching you, and it makes everyone worry. I just - I didn't want to watch you break down spectacularly, so I...I wanted to try to decompress you. And well...from what you've said he's the only one who's ever done that." She cleared her throat and continued softly. "And I know from the way you talk about him and being with him that it was more than just the physical stuff that was good for you. He just decided to take matters into his own hands."
"He tends to do that," she murmured, pressing her eyes shut. Much as it pains me.
Rough palms skimming up her thighs, his hoarse whisper against her skin telling her to let go.
She sighed, rubbing at the ache in her chest. "Sometimes he even thinks about it." And that makes it so much better and so much worse.
Heels under her chair, the dress draped over it, water and painkillers on the nightstand, no evidence of her party for one to be found.
Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. But none of this should matter. We're over, Noah. You made sure of that.
"Not often, I take it?" Lori tucked her hands under her cheek, listening to the heavy silence on the line. "Rach?"
Rachel opened her eyes, sighing. I don't know which I'd prefer - that song being left thoughtlessly or deliberately..."Lori, I - he - he's -" Either hurts...She clenched a fist. Come and find him..."He's infuriating! And the fact that he's involved himself in my life again verges on insulting. I don't know what he is trying to say with this song, and I just - I know you meant well but I wish you'd never called him. Come and find him." Rachel bit out a laugh. "I did find him, I saw him, I understood and accepted him when no one else did. Even he didn't." And apparently he wasn't interested in that either. "There's nothing for me to find, nowhere I need to be. I'm here, I'm fine, and I'm going to enjoy every minute of thelife I've made." Flipping onto her stomach, she buried the phone and her head under the pillow. "Which I thought I was doing, but apparently I'm wrong." Because of course he knows, of course he can judge. She fought back a groan.
"Rachel..." Lori sighed, frowning out the window. "Rach, I'm sorry. I didn't think this through, I realized that once Noah started to freak out -"
He - Noah actually -She picked her head up, the pillow falling to the floor. "Freaked out? Over me? What did you say to him? Why did he -" Rachel! She exhaled slowly. It doesn't matter. Don't torture yourself. "Never mind, I don't want to -"
Lori bit back a sigh and shook her head at the phone. "Noah - and he was sure to identify himself as Noah, I'll have you know - was quite concerned about you, Rachel. He definitely cares deeply about you, honey, he still does. Sounds like just seeing you was the kick in the ass he needed."
Right. Because when I was right there in front of him, I was so valued. Rolling her eyes, Rachel pulled the pillow up under her. "That and a pep talk or two, I'm sure. It wasn't me." She shifted, sighing. "Lori, I just - what on Earth could he have been trying to accomplish with that song?" There's nothing left to say, not after graduation.
"I don't know, Rach, I really don't, I swear. I know he was worried, but I didn't expect a song. If you want to know, you'll have to call him yourself."
"Come and find me now..."
Could he be deliberately -"I think I will." Rachel disconnected and sat up as she dialed the familiar number. Once more, with feeling...
I shouldn't have left that fucking song. Noah groaned, pulling the pillow over him. Just go to sleep, Puckerman, shit. It's after one and it's Rachel - she's not gonna call. He flipped over and stared out the window with a shake of his head. Fuck, if I'd only known the first time...Shit, even the second time...
He closed his eyes, laying an arm across them. Did you really expect her to call? You leave a song that tells her to come to you on her voicemail. He smirked. I'm sure I got her attention. She's gotta be fucking pissed. And she can just stop running - get her pissed enough and she'll stand and fight. His smirk faltered. At least, the Rachel I know does. What if she's upset? She could be really - stop it, don't think about that, it's still Rachel and she'll get pissed.
Right?
"Shit," he muttered. He turned onto his stomach, punching his pillow. I should have done...something...Said something that would make her call me back. I should've talked, like a normal person. What the fuck was I thinking? He scoffed. That's a fucking question? As usual, I wasn't thinking, I just did something to stop her in her tracks and it's actually totally fucked up and I should never have trusted my instincts, she's gotta be fucking -
"Ohhhh, sweet Caroline..."
"Holy shit!" He grabbed for his phone, adrenaline shooting through his veins. She's - I can't fucking believe she - Puckerman! Man up. Shit. He blew out a breath and flipped open his phone. "Hello?" Smooth, Puckerman. Good. Just like that.
"Hello, Noah," Rachel said. Firm, polite, businesslike. "I received your...message. It was...it was lovely. I particularly enjoyed your use of finger play for the opening."
Slow slide of his fingers inside her, body arching as she sighed and shivered.
She swallowed, her mouth going dry. Stop it. Stop it, Rachel. We are not doing this. Not now.
Holy shit, she called me. Noah licked his lips. Get it together and fucking say something before she hangs up on your ass. "I, um, thanks, I - fuck, Rach, I - I'm so -"
Just say your piece, Rachel. "I'm quite fine, Noah, and while I appreciate whatever attempt you and Lori were making at an - an intervention, if you will, it's unwarranted, I assure you." And unwelcome. She struggled to keep her breathing steady. Especially from you.
"Rachel - I -" Fuck, use your words, jackass. "I -"
Convince him you're all right and disengage. "I do genuinely value your concern, but I must tell you it is unnecessary. I am merely expanding my repertoire, resulting in my seeming overexertion. To the contrary, I am taking maximum advantage of the opportunities during this vital time in my professional development." I am, I am not running, I'm striving, I'm accomplishing. I am.
He ran a hand over his head. Get your shit together, come on. "I just wanted to -"
"And your mother is doing well, Daddy tells me, as are you. Oh, and congratulations. I'm glad to know you've found a direction, whatever that may be." She looked around the room blinking furiously. I will not cry. I refuse.
Tell her that, that she was right. She deserves to know. "It's actually -"
Rachel! The time! Her eyes went wide on the clock. "And my goodness it is entirely too early for this conversation, I'm so, so sorry, and I'll allow you to sleep, as I should be doing!" She forced a laugh, flushing. How did you so completely lose track of yourself? "I am absolutely mortified, Noah, I shouldn't have bothered you, and I won't keep you, good night!" She hung up, breath short and panicked.
Rachel! What were you thinking? She put her phone on the nightstand, rubbing her forehead. How could you be so impulsive? Closing her eyes against her stomach's slow roll, she exhaled heavily. How? Easily when all I wanted for ages was to hear his voice...She wrapped her arms around herself. Damn it, Rachel...
She - was that - she's - Noah sat up, shaking his head and staring at his phone. Did that just fucking happen? He blinked at the display. She really just - He hit the call button twice, laying back and closing his eyes.
Rachel jumped as her phone danced across the nightstand. Oh...oh no. It's - he's going to - Oh, Rachel, what did you do? Clearing her throat, she answered the call, sitting up slightly in bed. "Hello?" Cool and disinterested, Rachel. This is your show.
"Rach?" Holy shit, she picked up. Opening his eyes, Noah sat up in bed. "Rachel." He breathed her name softly into the stillness.
"Noah," she managed. I just - why did I answer? Tears rose again. Damn it..."How – " She cleared her throat. "How are you?" Just keep it nice and light, Rachel, you can do this. And you can tell him to stay out of your life.
Me? Seriously? He shook his head. "Don't give a shit. Why was your best friend calling me? What's going on with you?" What are you doing to yourself? Why aren't you okay?
"Noah, I told you, I'm fine. I'm just fine. I'm busy. I'm always busy. You know that." Knew. He's past tense, Rachel. Knew. She ran a small section of her hair through her hands, smoothing it and breathing deeply. He doesn't know you anymore.
"There's busy, and there's scary. Rachel, from what Lori said, this is getting to scary. What the fuck is going on? Talk to me." Fuck. Probably shouldn't -
"Talk to - talk to you?" Am I hallucinating this? She stared at the phone before putting it back to her ear. "Are you - are you quite serious, Noah?"
Shit, this isn't - that wasn't smart. "I - " Like I ever give a shit about smart. "Fuck it, Rach, yes, I'm serious, talk to me. Let me help. You know I don't judge you for your shit, not anymore. Is it me? I can take it if it is. Just take a breath and unload. C'mon, you know you want to." Just talk to me and be all right.
"I - you know that I - " After all this, all this pain and all this time, you have the gall to say you know what I want. "Noah, I do believe you've lost your mind. I have nothing else to say to you. Nothing at all." I said it all and it made no difference to you but to drive you into someone else's arms, you son of a - She took a deep breath, her smile going brittle. "I'm perfectly fine, Lori is exaggerating -"
"And your dad? Him too?" Damn it, Rach..."Because he told me the same thing in the summer, and I figured once school started, you'd straighten out. You wouldn't risk it. Except you pushed yourself right to the edge the whole fucking time, didn't you? Just to get back and shut off, not think." He sighed, shaking his head. "Music for you, cougars for me, but I get it." I do get you, Rach. I always did.
"Noah!" That's preposterous, there are absolutely no similarities here. "I cannot believe -"
"What? I do, I get it, I just accomplished it differently." He smirked. "You didn't mind when it was benefiting you." That'll get to her.
"Noah!" I cannot believe you just -
Score. "You're blushing. You're breathing. Good." Now just slow the fuck down, Rach, please...
"You - " She screamed silently into her pillow. "Noah, if this is not the most implausible, surreal scenario -"
Berry-speak. Thank fuck, she really is okay."You know what, Rach, you're right, it's way early in the morning. I'm sure you have class or lessons or a recital or work or - " He cut off, shaking his head. "See how ridiculously long that list is?"
Rachel held back the laugh that threatened. Damn it, damn you, Noah. "I understand everyone's concern, but -"
"But you're gonna do whatever you wanna do anyway. I'm not trying to talk you out of it. But just make sure you're not killing yourself for no reason, okay? Rachel Berry has taste. Most of the time. Kinda." He closed his eyes against his memory, strawberry gloss and sweet tea on his tongue as he kissed her, warm breath and cool hands...
She swallowed a smile. Damn it, Rachel. Don't. Not again. "Noah -"
"I miss you," he sighed. Oh, shit. Shit, why did I fucking say that? He held his breath.
"You -" She inhaled raggedly. Miss me?
I shouldn't have said that. Noah rubbed a hand over his mouth. Not like that..."Rachel..." Fuck, can't I get anything right with her?
Why now? Why now when it's all too late? "Noah, I can't." Rachel pressed a hand to her stomach. "I just can't do this with you. I'm all right, I promise I am. I'm busy but I'm all right." I am. I'm all right. I am.
"Rach..." Don't..."I'm sorry to bug you, I didn't mean to upset you. I swear I only wanted to help. Lori had me..." Just admit it. "She scared the shit out of me, Rach. She said it was like after…like after that shithead motherfucker."
Jesse. And then I started things with you and...She shook herself. "I'm all right. I am keeping busy, but I am eating and sleeping regularly. I am in perfect physical health. I don't see the cause for concern." So you can leave me in peace.
"Not with a blind spot like that you're not fine. When was the last time you hung out with Lori or your dads? Went to the pool, the park?" She really doesn't get it. "You're in New York Fucking City, Rach, and I bet you barely see anything but stages. For fuck's sake, slow down."
Rachel stiffened. How dare you try to lecture me about my life? "Oh, really, you would know, of course, because your life is going so well." She glared out the window.
"Ouch." That means I hit a nerve. Fuck it, I'll take it.
Oh, Rachel...She pressed a hand to her forehead. Damn it, that retort was mean and hurtful...and deliberately so."Noah, I -"
Now you're listening. He merely continued, cutting her off. "At least I know when I need to slow down and figure shit out. Doing this much isn't coming across as you're driven, it's like you're terrified. Stop running, Rachel. You're better than this." You're a mess, Rach, don't do this to yourself.
I'm assuredly better than the underhanded barb I just threw at him. "Noah, I apologize, that was uncalled for. You're concerned and I'm defensive. A lovely combination." She sighed. Weren't we always…
"Rachel, I'm sorry." He exhaled shakily. Finally. "Fuck, I've wanted to say that to you - not to your voicemail, but to you - for so long. I'm so fucking sorry." He launched himself from the bed, pacing the floor. "Look, Rach, I was such an asshole, I should've - I should've told you -"
"No." Don't, please. I can't. Rachel pressed a hand to her lips, shaking her head. "No, Noah, I will try to slow down, I will, but don't. Just - just don't." You should've then, not now. She squeezed her eyes shut. "I - it's been - I can't. I can't hear what you have to say, because it will break my heart or it will break my heart."
Shit. It still matters. I still matter. His heart raced as he gathered his words. "Rachel -"
No. No. I don't want to know. Not now. "Noah, please. Are you moving to New York? If you say whatever you want to say, will it do anything other than hurt me now?" Lori said...and I can't, I don't -"I've built a life here, Noah, and you're not in it."
He ran a hand over the back of his head. No shit. "I know that, believe me. I feel it, I fucked up and -"
No. No more. "And you said I deserved this. You did, you said I deserved what success I attained here. Don't make me regret it, Noah, please. Please." She looked out towards the city. I never should have picked up the phone...
He pulled a punch just shy of the wall, lowering his forehead to it instead. Get your fucking ass in gear, Puckerman and fucking get there. "No, Rach. I don't want to hurt you. I never did. All right? Can I say that much? I never meant to hurt you. I knew I was doing it, but I just couldn't stop myself, I thought I was doing the right thing. I couldn't accept that something good could happen to me, and I fucked it up. I know I did. And I'm so sorry. I waited a year to say that to you. I'm sorry."
Why did I answer? Rachel shuddered, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I am too, Noah, but I have a place here, a purpose. It's a dream come true." Even if it's not the dream I wanted most, anymore."I should go."
"Don't," he blurted. Oh, for fuck's sake. He cleared his throat, tried a smile. "You know you missed hearing my sexy voice." The one that just broke like a fucking pubescent boy. Shit, Puckerman.
Rachel blinked. Did he - he really just - She swallowed. "You...made a joke. I know it's - you made a joke." A joke about how long we've been apart. About how I left everything I knew just so I could not ache every minute of every day. A joke. "Noah, I have to go. Good night. Thank you for your concern. I'll do my best to remember to breathe." Since I can here.
You're a fucking moron, Puckerman. "Rachel -"
She raised her voice and spoke over him firmly. "Goodbye, Noah." For the last time. No more.
Just get your ass to New York, Puckerman."Good night, Rachel." Not goodbye.
Rachel slid down in her bed and pulled the covers over her head, biting back a groan. What on earth did I just do? What have I started? That certainly was not my brightest moment...
Noah stared at the closed phone incredulously. Well, that was fucking nuts. He grabbed staff paper and his guitar.
"Sometimes the sun shines on other people's houses and not mine..." Jason Mraz sang Rachel from sleep, a hand worming out from the covers to slap at the clock. Oh, no. Last night...That was insane. Did that really happen? Rachel rolled over to look at her cell phone, scrolling to the call record.
"Ohhhhhh..." It did. She forced herself out of bed, rubbing her forehead and stumbling out into the living room. "Dad? Daddy?"
"Kitchen, baby girl," Will called. "You all right? You seemed off last night when you came in."
That's the understatement of the year. Rachel caught his eyes and swallowed hard. "I spoke to Noah last night."
Will dropped his coffee cup with a clatter. "Oh, hell." He raised his voice and called down the hallway. "Dan, honey. Need you in the kitchen." Standing quickly, Will crossed the room and wrapped his arms around his daughter.
Noah rolled over in bed, stretching with a grin. My portfolio is gonna kick ass and I talked to Rachel last night. I talked to Rachel. He grabbed his cell phone. It's early, do I call her? He dialed with a smirk. She called me after one a.m., I can definitely call her at 8 in the morning. He ran a hand over his face. She called me. Picked up the phone and dialed my number. There's still something left, I didn't fuck it all up, and now I'm gonna fix it. I can fix this. I can help.
If she'd just pick up the damn phone...
"Ohhhhhhh, sweet Caroline..."
Rachel jumped, halting her story. "And he's calling again. Daddy, I made a mistake last night, but the message was so..." amazing. She frowned down at the table. Stop it! "- infuriating that I had to make contact. Now I'm afraid he won't leave me alone."
"With good reason," Will murmured, raising an eyebrow at her ringing phone. "Do you want me to talk to him?"
"No, Daddy, I can talk to him myself, I just...I can't believe I was so thoughtless. I knew what would happen once I opened any sort of avenue of contact. I knew it." And you did it anyway, Rachel, what does that tell you?
"Well, now that he's in touch, what do you want to say?"
"Nothing! I don't have anything else to tell him besides stay out of my life!" And I did. Repeatedly. In various ways. She kissed Will's cheek, stepping away and dropping into a chair. Not that he seems to be paying attention..."I had a momentary lapse in judgment and called him -"
Dan stopped dead in the doorway behind her, eyes wide. "She called him?" he mouthed.
Will nodded minutely, gesturing Dan in. "Rachel spoke to Noah last night."
She tilted her head backward to watch Dan enter the kitchen and summarized. "I lost my mind for an instant and spoke to him directly. He apologized, I told him I was fine, he said that he...he missed me..." He almost said more...
"Oh, honey..." Dan pressed a kiss to her head. "Are you all right?"
Noah shrugged, hanging up. You know she's awake, Puckerman, it's Rachel Berry. If she's not picking up, it's because she doesn't want to. He smirked, tossing the phone on the bed and picking up his staff paper. Just means I'll try again later.
"Noah?" His mother knocked on his door. "Honey, are you...are you awake?"
"Yeah, Ma, come in." He flipped through the score with a frown. I need a chick to sing this.
Ilana walked in, looking him up and down as she sat on his bed. "I heard movement, but I didn't think it'd be you. Are you all right?"
Noah shrugged. "Was up working on stuff." Like how I'm getting into NYU.
"Anything I can see or hear?" Ilana raised a brow. "Someday I really would like to hear your music, you know."
Noah shrugged sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Ma, it's just...it's kinda raw...like really..." Can't believe I'm gonna say this to my mother. "It's really personal and pretty painful."
"It's about Rachel, hmm? You don't want your Jewish mother fundraising at temple to send you to New York to snag the perfect Jewish daughter-in-law?" She smiled. "Noah, you think I don't know? That's why I want to hear it. I...I'm still getting to know who you were and who you are. It seems like your music would be a great window to do that."
Noah swallowed past the lump in his throat. You're the second person to get that. "I, um...Do you want me to play the song I wrote last night?"
She smiled, reaching out to squeeze his arm. "I'd love that."
Clearing his throat, he started to pick out the melody.
"And what did you tell him?" Dan sat next to her, eyes searching her face.
Rachel frowned. You think I encouraged him to call? "I told him to leave me alone, that I was fine and he didn't have to worry. I very specifically said 'goodbye'."
"Well, he seems to have a different idea, sweetheart." Dan grabbed her phone, glancing at the display as the ringing stopped.
Oh, thank goodness. Rachel retrieved her silent phone from her father. "I think I'm going to go for a walk."
"Come and find me now..." Noah closed his eyes, the last notes fading to silence beneath his fingertips before looking up at his mother. Oh, shit. "Ma? Are you...are you okay?"
Ilana brushed at her cheeks. "I'm fine, Noah. I just - " She shook her head. "Honey, I'm so sorry. I cannot believe you were going through all of this and I missed it completely."
"Ma, it's not your fault. I didn't get it then. It was supposed to be -" Shut it, Puckerman, are you really gonna tell your mother you were supposed to be fuck buddies? "I didn't mean her to - I didn't want -"
Waving a hand, Ilana shook her head again. "No, Noah, I know it was supposed to be...casual. I've managed to put some things together. You know, Sarah asked the other day where Rachel was."
Too far away. He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "She did?"
"Yeah, I did." His sister stuck her tongue out at him from his doorway. "What're you doin'?"
"Noah and I were just talking, sweetheart. Good morning."
"Good morning, Ma. So, Ma said Rachel moved away. Is that why you're so grumpy?" She plopped on his bed, leaning on Ilana's arm.
"Part of it, yeah." The rest of it is that I'm the reason she's so fucking far. Wait a second - Sarah asked - "Hey - is Rachel why you were so tough on Quinn?"
Sarah shrugged. "Rachel used to help me with my homework and watch movies with me if you were busy. Then she stopped coming over and you said Quinn was your girlfriend. You have really bad taste in girlfriends, Noah. She didn't get me like Rachel did. She didn't even really try."
Ilana raised a brow at her son. "Hmm. I think maybe you should've taken your cues from Sarah."
Rolling his eyes, he shoved at Sarah's knee. "Yeah, maybe."
Or maybe I should've known better all by myself.
I should have known better. Rachel grabbed her Pinkberry with a smile, sitting on the bench outside. This is unreal. She took a bite of the pomegranate frozen yogurt with a contented sigh and glanced down at her phone. At least he's giving me a reprieve. I can't...what was I thinking last night? Calling him? She shook her head and took another bite. You weren't thinking, Rachel. And that is a dangerous thing. "Oh my goodness." She blinked, biting her lower lip. I hung up on Lori last night! She dialed her quickly, gnawing on her lip. "Lori? Hi...I'm so sorry for last night! Are you busy?"
Noah drummed on the steering wheel as he drove, honking his horn as he pulled up. Time to really get your shit together, Puckerman, and get there.
Quinn shook her head as she walked down the driveway. "You could ring the doorbell," she chastised as she buckled her belt. Frowning quickly, she quirked a brow. "You're in a good mood - did you finally give up the ghost and find a girl?"
"Didn't know ghosts could make phone calls," he replied, pulling away and heading towards the library. "Thanks for helping me study." She called me. He grinned as he drove.
"Wait - phone - oh my goodness. You talked to her? And you had her cell and didn't use it?"
"I swore to her father I wouldn't, not until I got his okay." Whoops. Forgot about that last night. "And when I did last year...fuck, Q, she was a mess and I didn't want to fuck her up any more."
"Still! I cannot believe you didn't call her sooner."
"I cannot believe you called him. Rachel, I really had no idea what to do when you hung up the phone. I just stared at it. You said you always think things through, and the lack of forethought I saw was flabbergasting, honey."
"I'm sorry, Lor, I didn't mean to scare you, truly." And frankly, if I had stopped to think, I would have frightened myself. She flipped through the rack of dresses. "I just have a lot on my mind and it's difficult to properly process as much. I have to accelerate my schedule to graduate, which means I need to be auditioning for grad programs immediately." I'm moving on and moving upwards.
Lori stared at her wide-eyed. "Graduate early? A year early, Rachel? Really?"
Rachel smiled tightly. I want it all, as fast as I can get it. "Don't sound so shocked, Lor, with all the time I've been around the school? I met with my advisor, she thinks it's possible for me to graduate on an accelerated schedule."
"Would you want to?" Lori shook her head. "I keep telling you there's no rush, to slow down, I take extraordinary risks to do so and instead you're going even faster." She raised a brow at Rachel.
Rachel glared at her cell phone before sending the call to voicemail. "It's the rest of my life, Lor. I could burst into multiple songs about how waiting for life to begin kills you." I've done enough waiting for a lifetime. She tightened her hands around a hanger before smiling and continuing. Just breathe. "I know my ultimate destination, I just have to strategize and identify the best avenue to get there. Accordingly, I have to begin to scrutinize graduate programs. That means -"
"It means absolute insanity. Am I ever going to see you now?"
"You'll see me, Lor, I promise. I'll slow down, I'll pick and choose. I do have taste, I'll have you know. Mostly." The nerve of anyone to suggest that I've lost my critical eye. Rachel brushed her hair back over her shoulder.
"Mostly." Lori shook her head, handing Rachel a skirt. "You're insane, you know that?"
"No crazier than you." Rachel raised a brow coolly. Calling Noah for help? Really? You think you can tell me anything?
"You're running yourself into the ground and your solution is go faster." Lori rolled her eyes. "Insanity."
No, insanity was sitting and waiting for a revelation that would never come. She caught her breath, exhaling shakily. Or came too late. "Well, whether insanity or brilliance, I'm starting research now. Music performance and something else, I think..."
"A dual major. Of course."
"You'd best believe it." Why stop at one? I am Rachel Berry, after all. She handed Lori a color block tank dress. "Right now? Shopping."
"It's going to take a lot of retail therapy to sort this shit out," the Filipina muttered.
Rachel turned her head quickly. Did I miss something? "What did you say?"
Lori handed her a cream silk blouse. "Nothing, babe. Nothing at all."
"Nothing? So that's it? That's how you left it?" Quinn shook her head. "You didn't mention NYU, the music major, nothing?" She opened her textbook with a sigh. "You're an ass, you know that?"
"Well aware, Q. That's why I didn't say anything - what if I don't make it? Why get her hopes up? I think I toyed with her enough." He shook his head. More than enough. "And I've already called back three times. She won't pick up. I'm trying to figure out a good message to leave when I call later. Already did the song thing, that might get old, so...I dunno." He opened his notebook. "Whatever, I'll just call her after dinner, maybe I'll come up with something." And at the very least, she'll know I'm trying.
Quinn looked up at him, tilting her head as she examined his expression. "That actually makes sense. A lot of it." She shook her head. "I think I still...I still can't believe it's Rachel Berry that's got you motivated and...growing up. You've come a long way, Noah." She grinned. "And now? Doesn't even feel awkward calling you that. You've changed. You're like, a man. And a good one."
That's what I want to be. Noah rubbed a hand over the back of his neck and shrugged. "Hopefully I can convince her of that." If I get there. Fuck that. When I get there.
Rachel groaned, tossing the phone onto her bed as Neil Diamond sang merrily. It could be worse. You could've used a recording of him singing it to you. She snorted. You certainly chose an interesting set of circumstances under which to be persistent, Noah.
She brushed at her blunt bangs and considered herself in the mirror. So what are you running from, Rachel? You're here, in New York. You're at Juilliard. You look, as Kurt would have said, fierce. And Noah is left missing you. You are in the driver's seat. Meeting her reflection's gaze, she dropped her head. Except for once I don't want to be. I don't want to know, I don't want to think, I just want to do...
"Music for you, cougars for me, but I get it."
She frowned. Is he right? Dear sweet Streisand - have I turned into my own version of Puck? "Oh, this is ridiculous." Rachel pushed away from the vanity, picking up her phone. "Noah, you really need a hobby."
He smirked, flopping back on his bed. She answered me. Again. "I'm kinda liking this one."
"Petty harassment? I thought that was beneath you." Stop thinking of you beneath him, Rachel. Damn it. She fanned herself with her hand.
"There's nothing petty about this, Rach. You know that." Noah stared out the window. Fuck. I hope you know that...
Rachel pressed her lips together tightly. Oh, now it's not petty? Now it's not casual? She shook herself. "Noah, you've been at this all day. There's nothing else for us to say to each other. I appreciate your concern and your caring. I've heard you." And what I haven't heard, I don't want to know. "You are quite correct in your assessment that I am going to make my choices as I see fit. I told you last night that unless you're here, nothing you have to say other than that apology is necessary or even welcome. Now could you please leave me be. I have nothing else for you."
You have everything. Don't ever think otherwise. He shook his head. Who the fuck are you kidding, you're part of the reason she thinks otherwise. "That's your opinion. Here's a surprise - I disagree."
You're right, that's not a surprise. She inhaled slowly. "Noah -"
"I'm serious." And this is long overdue. "You brought out the best in me, Rach. I should've realized that sooner. But we both know I'm not the brightest -"
"Noah, stop it, don't sell yourself short." Rachel clapped a hand over her mouth. Damn it, Rachel, really?
Fuck, Rach..."Thank you for saying that." Shit, I want to be there..."You always believed in me."
"Fat lot of good that did me," she muttered. "Well, you'll just have to believe in yourself, Noah. I really have no interest in continued contact. It would be -" No. You are not going to admit he can still hurt you, Rachel. "Pointless," she finished.
"Whatever, fine. I finally got to tell you I'm sorry, so that's already ahead of the game. You don't want me to call you? Fine. I can do that. But Rach, you have to promise, really promise, that you'll stop running yourself into the ground, okay? Please. Just don't, not over me." I hate thinking you're hurting this much.
"Who says it's over you?" Liar.
Ouch. Noah cleared his throat. "Fine. Over a guy, then. No guy is worth you burning out before you get anywhere."
She folded her arms across her chest. Burning out? Unfathomable. "I'm doing the best that I can, the best way I know how. Work is my cure for everything." It's never abandoned me or lied, never misled me or broke my heart...
"So fine, work. But you're just throwing yourself at anything and everything, Rach, how is that helpful? What happened to all that shit you used to say about being 'discerning' and having to 'carefully cultivate an image'?" Gee, I don't know, maybe you did, Puckerman. He exhaled and rubbed his forehead. "Come on, Rachel - you're better than this."
"I beg your pardon. New York City simply offers more opportunities for me. If that results in me being busy, who is to say that it's not a worthwhile venture which makes me so?" Lori, your fathers, yourself if you're honest...She swallowed, turning to rest her forehead on the cool glass of her window.
"Oh, so that's why your best friend is calling y - " Your what, Puckerman, huh? " - me for help with slowing you down?"
Rachel turned her back to the city and squeezed her throbbing temples in one hand. What a lovely turn of phrase. An echo of an insanely twisted night. She gritted her teeth, breath hissing. "I just - Noah, I can't promise to slow down, I'm still struggling here." Rachel! Why did you just say that? "I can't believe I can say that to you and not to anyone else, but I'm struggling, all right?" Now will you leave me alone?
Shit, I knew it. "So then talk to me, if you won't say that to anyone else. Talk to me, Rachel, I'm right here." And I'm gonna be right there as soon as I fucking can. "I want to do whatever I can to make sure you don't burn out. I don't want to see you hurting, just let me -"
You don't want to see me hurting? You? "You broke my heart!" Rachel pressed her fingers to her lips. Do you really want to do this, Rachel?
Noah swallowed hard. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. "Rach, I'm sorry, I was an ass, a fucking moron. I know that, and I'm so sor-"
Yes. Yes, I do. She bit out her words. "You broke - shattered, destroyed, decimated - my heart, Noah. You ruined everything - everything - at that school for me. I would walk down the hall and pass a closet and think of you and me, and then I would think of you there with Quinn and I would be overcome with nausea, but then the bathroom was no better -"
I had no fucking clue..."Rachel -"
Her breathing quickened as she paced the room. "- and then we would be in the dressing room and Quinn would smile and I would want to tear my eyes out because I knew what that smile was. And I'd remember the way that you made me feel -"
Noah pounded a fist into his forehead. You thoughtless motherfucker. "Rachel, I'm so -"
"I'm not finished!" Rachel glared out the window. You wanted me to talk to you, Noah. I'm merely giving you what you wanted. "I had my life planned out, I had everything under control. I knew where I was going, and how and when, but -"
And I fucked that all up. "I know, Rach, I know and I can't tell you -"
"- then I couldn't even drive around town, because the reservoir would make me sad, and then the pools from our summer...Your sweatshirt in my room..." And in bed with me..."I was turning into some melancholy Gothic heroine! And I hated that -"
"I don't know, you'd look fucking hot in a corset," he offered with a forced laugh. Shit, Puckerman, give me a fucking break, you really just said -
"I loved you!" Rachel caught her breath, the words floating uncertainly in the air. Oh my God. Rachel. Shaking her head, she sank to the floor beneath her window. Too late to take it back now. "I loved you, Noah, and you tore me apart. I can't talk to you, I can't be friends, I can't share my problems. I can't. Please, just leave me alone."
Shit. She's worse than I thought. What the fuck did I do? "Rachel –"
"Noah, please." I can't. I told you. I cannot be friends. She stood and stared at the skyline. Where's a star when I desperately need to make a wish?
I really fucked it up this time. "I'm so sorry, Rachel." He crossed to his window. "I wish I could take it back, change it, something. I just...I thought I was protecting you." And I hurt you anyway. I hurt both of us.
"Well, you didn't, Noah. You sent me mixed signals that I was only too happy to accept, you wouldn't leave me alone..." And I didn't want you to..."I just - this can't continue. I can't have you in my life like this -"
"But another way?" You called me and you answered the phone, Rach. "Is there a way that I can be in your life?"
"Noah, I'm serious." Stop it. Enough already. She traced a finger around a billboard.
"So am I. What would I have to do to get back in your life?" Could it really be this fucking easy? Do you want me back in your life, Rachel? He stared at his reflection in the glass, resting a hand on the top of his head.
She let out a low groan of frustration. What goes on in your brain? "Noah, you're over 500 miles away. You want to be pen pals? What are you asking me?" I'm telling you to leave me alone. "You're not in my life, emotionally or geographically, and you won't be. You physically can't be at this point."
He smirked. If it's the physical...That one's easy. "There're webcams, I'm not shy..."
"Noah!" Of course he would latch on to that. He hasn't changed that much. "Ugh, you are exasperating. Stop calling me, stop trying. Just content yourself with the thought that this debacle has given both of us the impetus to accomplish things in our lives we may never have done otherwise. Be successful. And if someday things change, and our paths cross? We'll see where we are. But for now, I just...I just can't be friends with you, Noah. I can't." It would come down to my sanity or you, and I choose me.
Noah shook his head. Oh, I intend our paths to cross. "I get it, Rachel. I won't call you. Just..." Wait for me. Don't give up on me, on us. Give us both time. "Fuck, don't burn yourself out. Please. Tough to make it big if you have a heart attack at 19." I need you to be okay...
Oh, I will succeed, Noah Puckerman. I absolutely will. "I will not have a heart attack at 19, Noah. But I've had enough heartbreak to last a lifetime. Thanks for that." Her smile turned bitter and she caught her breath.
Well, shit. "Rachel -"
Damn it, Rachel! "Noah, I'm sorry. Just ignore that remark too." And here I thought I'd come so far..."I can't. That bitterness would always get in the way. Please, just...just let me live my life, and you live yours."
Now isn't the time to fight her, Puckerman. Fucking get there. "I, um...if it's okay, I'd still like to borrow your dad sometimes..."
"Of course," she said quietly. I still, as I always have, don't want to hurt you. "But call him, not me. I heard you, Noah, and I thank you for the concern but even more for the apology. It does help, but..." She blew out a breath, pressing at her chest.
"But not enough, not now. I get it." And I might have an idea for something else I can do. "I just - I hate asking your dad about you, it feels awkward. All I really wanna know is you're okay..."
"You can ask him, Noah, it's fine." Much better than me trying to talk to you. She exhaled against the glass, watching it fog."You're absolutely welcome to, in fact." As long as you leave me alone.
Noah took a deep breath. This is still more than you thought you'd get without being there, Puckerman, don't get greedy. "I really am sorry, Rachel. I was thoughtless and immature and you didn't deserve it. I know I fucked up, and I just want you to know that I regret it. I regret it, Rachel. I never should have pushed you away."
Now. You know that now. Rachel caught her breath on a sob. "No, you shouldn't have. Hopefully you won't make that mistake with the -" She paused and swallowed, wiping the foggy letters from the glass. " - next woman who loves you. Goodbye, Noah." She hung up without waiting for his response.
Noah looked down at the phone in his hand. "Son of a bitch," he muttered. She hung up on me. He grinned and dialed. "Well, shit." I can still get to her emotionally, and I'm gonna get to New York and fix this. No, fuck that, I'm gonna do it right. And hopefully she'll realize she's still got feelings for me. This isn't over by a long shot.
Lori glanced down at her phone with a frown. "Oh, don't even tell me..."
Connor looked at the display. "What the hell is he calling you for?"
"Good question," she muttered as she hit 'accept'. "Hello?"
Thank fuck she picked up. Noah exhaled and grinned. "Hey. I, um...I just got off the phone with Rachel, and she -"
Lori pulled back from her beeping cell to register the number ringing through. "- is calling on my other line. Make it snappy, Puckerman."
Got to her. He nodded. "You're gonna have to trust me, but I think I got you your Rachel back. I think she's pissed as hell and she's gonna slow down. And I need her address."
"Wait, what? Her address? You were on the phone with her? What the fuck are you doing, Noah, the girl is gonna -"
"No. The girl is gonna shock the shit out of you. Trust me. That's still the Rachel Berry I know and love." Noah ran a hand over his head. Holy shit, I didn't even stumble on saying that. "She's gonna slow down. Pissed as she is at me, she saw I had a point. But I need her address."
Lori shook her head, panicked. "I am not giving you her address, Noah, I'm sorry. I pushed my luck enough just calling you. You're gonna have to call Will for that one. And I gotta go." She hung up and clicked over. "Hey, Rach." She laid her head on Connor's shoulder.
"Lor, I - can you -" Rachel cleared her throat. You know all you have to do is ask. "Come over?"
Lori turned a pained gaze to Connor. "I'll be right there, babe. What do you need me to bring?"
"Just you, Lor, I - I talked to Noah again and I just..." I don't want to be alone. She sniffled, smiling weakly. "I'm so grateful to be able to say this. I need my best friend."
"Oh, Rach...I'm coming over, just hold on, okay?"
Rachel nodded at the empty room, swallowing rapidly to fight the tears. "Okay," she managed. I'll just find Daddy. I will be all right.
"Be right there." Lori hung up the phone, looking up at Connor. "She's a fucking mess."
Connor smiled, shaking his head. "Care to make a wager on that? By the time you get there, she's going to have a full head of anger going. She'll curse his name and his very existence." He chuckled. "I'll say this, he knows her pretty damned well."
Lori grabbed her jacket and her bag. "I don't know, Connor. She was really distraught." Dropping a kiss on his lips, she turned towards the door. "I wouldn't expect me back by tonight, sorry, baby."
He only smiled. "See you in a couple of hours."
Noah paced his bedroom, staring at the phone display. I wish I knew how long it'd take Lori to get there. I don't wanna leave Rach with no one. He stopped pacing, shaking his head. Shit, Puckerman. You're a pansyass mess. He blew out a breath. She told me to ask her dad about her, right? Fuck, it might even get me points. He closed his eyes and dialed the phone.
Will pressed a hand to his pocket as his cell phone vibrated. "Baby girl -"
"Take it, Daddy, go. Lori should be just about here." Thank goodness for that. She dropped into a seat at the table, wrapping her hands around the steaming tea. "It's fine." It is. If I can't hold myself together, we have bigger problems than an inopportune phone call.
Will pulled the phone from his pocket, checking the display. He flicked his eyes towards Rachel.
Noah. I'll be damned. "Checking on me. Or possibly for himself." She sighed. Stop thinking about it. "Either way, take the call. I'll move to the living room and set up West Side Story."
"Oh, sweetheart. West Side Story bad? I don't have to take the call, Rachel, you're my priority."
How can I not be all right when I'm loved like that? She picked up her tea cup and herself, kissing his cheek as she passed. "I know. That's why I can share."
Will shook his head and answered. "Just a minute, Noah." He covered the receiver and called down the hall. "Dan, keep Rach company, will you?"
Dan stuck his head out of the office. "Is that little shit calling you?"
"Dad!" Rachel turned wide eyes to her father. And loved like that as well. "He is not a shit, stop it, he – " Why am I still defending him? She heaved a sigh. "Ugh, he had something of a point, all right? I just - I just can't believe the gall of him, to keep calling after I've said to stop."
"I'll be sure to let him know," Will murmured, gently shoving her down the hall and smiling at Dan.
Dan slung an arm around her shoulders and drew her in, nodding at Will.
Letting out a breath, Will sat at the table. "Hello, Noah."
"Um, hi, Mr. Berry. I uh...I guess you spoke to Rachel or she talked to you or something?" 'Cause that sounded a little weird.
"Or something." Will ran a hand over his head. "What can I do for you, son?"
"I – " Just be honest. He scratched his scalp and dropped his hands. "Fuck, I just want to know if she's okay. I kind of pushed her."
"Oh, we're aware, Noah. And she's all right. She's with her dad, and Lori should be by -" He paused as he heard the doorbell. "Well, Lori's here. They've got her, Noah, it's all right."
Noah exhaled heavily. Thank fuck. "I was calling to, um..." Go big or go home. "...to ask for your mailing address."
"Our - what?"
"What happened?" Lori hugged Rachel tightly. "Honey, what?"
Nothing. Everything. "He - Lori, he -" broke my heart and made me laugh and...She shook her head, shrugging.
Dan nudged them towards the living room. "Go. Talk."
Rachel sank onto the couch, sipping her tea. Think about it, Rachel. What do you want to say? "He - Lori, he kept -"
Lori squeezed her hand. "Rach, it's gonna be okay. Take your time."
"He certainly did!" Rachel clapped a hand over her mouth at her outburst. Oh my goodness. There it is.
Lori frowned at her. "Rach?"
Rachel slowly removed her hand. Yes. This feels good. "Now it's not petty. Now it's not casual. Now he's sorry. Now he has a direction and a purpose - whatever that may be, I don't even want to know - and he's growing up. Now he wants to be Noah. Now when I'm 532 miles away. When it does my broken heart no good at all. Lori, he almost - he almost confirmed what you said and I –" She leaned her head on Lori's shoulder. "I did."
"Oh, Rachel..." Lori sighed. "Are you -"
"I just blurted it out. I told him he broke my heart, I told him...Lor, I told him I loved him. I cannot believe I did that. I swore I never would," not after the first declaration ended so badly, "but I...It's as if my mouth and my brain disengage when it comes to him. I just - I hate that I said that, I didn't ever want him to know. What is it about him that makes me lose my mind?"
"The fact that it's not past tense?" Lori muttered.
Rachel frowned up at her. Did I hear her right? "What?"
"Nothing." Lori gnawed a fingernail. "Nothing at all, babe, keep talking."
"What are you talking about? Our mailing address? Noah, from what Rachel just told me -"
"She doesn't want me calling. I won't. I just – " am desperate. He rolled his shoulders. "Look, she mentioned being pen pals, and I - I figured maybe that's not a bad idea. I - Mr. Berry, I just want to help undo the damage I've done. I'm sorry I called her without letting you know, but Lori told me how she's been driving herself too hard and I had to try something. I managed to slow her down now, but I want her to just...to be okay until -" Shut it, Puckerman - there's no guarantee.
"Until you get here." Will looked out into the living room at his teary daughter. "It's all right, Noah. Tell me what you're thinking and I'll tell you if I agree."
"Thank you, Mr. Berry."
"Call me Will, son, and let's hear this plan of yours."
"Let's hear it, Rach, what else? You were a mess on the phone." Lori tucked her legs under her on the sofa. "Spill."
Rachel sat up, mirroring Lori's posture. "I don't know what I was on the phone." Not with you and most assuredly not with him..."I don't think I actually processed anything. He was just - oh, I can't even describe it. Talking as though no time had passed, as if I was still the same person he'd known. Trying to tell me about myself and my life and what I was doing." Joking and teasing and making me hurt again...
"Was he right?" Lori raised a brow.
Rachel pursed her lips. Who determines that I'm wrong? "He said the same thing everyone else was saying - that I'm doing too much, I'm running myself down and burning myself out..."
"Was he right, Rach?"
She huffed. "Maybe." Damn it. "But I really am trying to get involved in things here, Lori, I'm not deliberately setting out to run myself into the ground. I just -"
"- Can't help it?" Lori nudged her shoulder. "Showing up at a show I told you was going to suck kind of does make it look like you are, you know. Just putting it out there."
Rachel groaned, setting her head on Lori's shoulder again. "What am I doing, Lor? I really - I lost my mind, didn't I." I just don't know what to do. I need him to leave me alone, once and for all.
Lori kissed her temple, stroking her hair. "It's okay, honey. We'll find it for you. Hopefully it made it to the city from Lima, at least."
Rachel sighed. "I know my mind made it here." If only my heart had made the trip too.
"So until I can get there somehow, I just - I guess I want to - I want her to know she deserves the world." Fuck, that sounds cheesy. "I want her to know I care about her." Okay, less pathetic. "I want her to know that what happened - how it all ended up - that I regret it." Back to cheesy. But fuck it. "And that I hope to do it right someday." Yeah. That. Strong finish.
"Noah...son, how old are you?" Will grabbed a glass from the cabinet and a bottle of wine from the fridge.
"20, sir." Sir? Shit. He rolled his eyes. You're fucking domesticated, Puckerman.
"Mm-hmm. And do you honestly believe that Rachel is - You do realize you're still young." Will winced at his own trite words as he poured the cabernet.
"I am. I mean, I know. But Rachel...She's - she's pretty much -" everything. Noah shook his head, rubbing a hand over his eyes. Shit. I'm not domesticated. I'm in love."Look, I - I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I was the best I could ever have hoped to be with her." He sat heavily on the bed. "I'm not saying she's - " You're not ruling it out either, Puckerman, let's be honest. "I want to try."
Will took a deep breath.
Four days later...
Rachel glanced at the postage label on the nondescript package and frowned. "What on Earth? Daddy, do you know what this is?" I don't think a graduate packet would be sent in this way. She pushed it around on the table.
Will glanced at Dan. "No, sweetheart. Why don't you open it?"
"But what if it's anthrax? Or a death threat?" I am in the public eye at the Prom. She met Will's gaze. "Should I really open anything I'm not expecting? You never know, it's New York City and that could be -"
"A book, and a CD." Dan held it up and shook it at her. "Music, to be exact." He spun the case towards her. "See? Music CD, right on the disc label. Must be a demo of some sort, probably trying to get publicity. Why not listen to it?"
Rachel took it hesitantly. "I - all right." She looked down at it skeptically. Perhaps this is a graduate program? "Are you certain -"
"It won't blow up, Rachel, I promise. Just listen, if it's bad, stop."
She nodded, looking between her fathers. I feel as though I've missed an entire conversation. "All - all right. I'll be back." She left the room in favor of her Bose CD player.
Dan raised a brow and lowered his voice. "Is that -"
Will sipped his coffee. "His first package to her? Yes, it is."
Worrying his lip briefly, Dan slid towards his husband to watch the door. "This ought to be good."
Will nodded. "Or very bad. One of two. But I'm sure we'll know sooner than later."
Rachel turned to frown at her fathers. They know something. I can tell. She opened the CD case and placed it in her player, turning it on as she went back into the package. What on Earth could this be? She picked the book up from the box. Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much. Oh my - Noah. Her gaze flew back towards her speakers as a familiar voice cleared his throat.
"So, I guess you're wondering what the fuck this is," he began. "You said pen pals. And that might not be a bad idea. I -"
Rachel hit stop on the remote, hand shaking. They knew. They gave him the address. She threw open her door and stalked out. "Daddy..."
"Rachel." Will patted the seat next to him on the couch. "Want to talk?"
"No," she bit out. "I want to know why." You sat there and listened. You're a professional. Why would you invite him into my world again?
"Because you want to know how he's doing. You know you do. And maybe it's exactly what you need. To see him grow. To see that your effort wasn't useless. To see that it's okay, baby girl. It's okay to care and it's okay to hurt and it's okay to live with that. And then you can put it aside and know that in the end, you can both live your lives." He stood and kissed her cheek. "Maybe listen to the rest of it sometime when you're ready. Dan, honey, let's give Rachel and Lori some space. Have a good night, sweetheart." He squeezed her shoulder and left the room.
"My life," she muttered. "You can't make this up." What if I don't want to know? What if I don't want to hurt? Heaving a sigh, she called Lori. "You'll never believe this one, Lor..."
"Did she get it?" Noah waved Sarah off. Longest days of my fucking life. "I was gonna send it priority but then she'd see the postmark and the return address."
Will sighed. "She definitely received it. Whether she'll listen to the whole thing is a different story. She listened to not even a minute before she came back steaming mad that I'd given you our address."
Noah blew out a breath. "So it's working?"
"Making her angry enough to stop running to spite you and everyone else? Absolutely. I just can't say if it's softening or hardening her heart towards you."
Noah shrugged, reaching out to tickle his sister. Let's start with her being okay. "One nut at a time." I can work on the rest. "But at the very least I can keep her off-balance and talking to you or Dan or Lori. That's good enough." For now, anyway. "Just...I guess let me know if it gets bad again?"
"If we don't, you'll hear from Lori, it seems," Will remarked with a half-smile. "This one ought to be enough for a while."
He grinned. And she hasn't even heard the best part of it. "Good. Thanks, Will. I gotta go."
Two weeks later...
Time to face the day...Rachel lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. What would the book say to this? She glanced at the nightstand, the glossy shine of the spine reflecting at her. If I'm a woman who does too much, I should meditate? She snorted and flipped over in bed, punching her pillow. Like you always managed to slow down and appreciate life. She looked towards the CD atop the book. Why are you still entertaining this, Rachel? Reaching out a hand, she stroked the case. I just - maybe - She chewed her lip and put the CD into the player on her nightstand. May as well, right?
"- want us to get to know each other. Fuck, that sounds stupid. Whatever. I could edit this, but I won't. I remember you liked that stream of consciousness shit. So um, like I said, I just want to try, Rach. I want to be part of your life somehow. I don't even know if you'd want that. I hope you do. I'm hoping if you're listening to this, you're willing to hear me out. I...I'm still going to Lima Community while I try to get my act together. Figure I've already got three years in, right? And I'm actually pretty decent at the teaching thing. Probably helps that I'm not that far removed from the kids." He chuckled.
Rachel hit the stop button, tears gathering. He sounds - he seems so - genuine? She brushed at her eyes and put the CD back in its case. This was a bad idea. I can't listen. Not yet. I need more time.
"You need a date." Quinn dropped onto the bed, peering around the music stand at Noah. "Or to get laid. Something. It's Winter Break and you're just holed up in here. How is this any different than what you yelled at Rachel for doing? There's life going on out there, I'm sure there's a part of you that remembers what that is?"
Noah frowned at the staff paper, changing a progression. Har de fucking har. "Q, I appreciate it, but it's totally different. She was running from something, and I'm running to something." To her.
"But...I never thought I'd say this, but what about Puck?" Quinn raised a brow.
"What about what?" The fuck is that supposed to mean? He hummed to himself and shook his head.
"It's just..." She shrugged. "I've never seen you so celibate, it's astounding. I keep waiting for you to bust out, get in the truck and drive straight there and -"
He dropped his pencil, turning his head slowly to meet her eyes. You fucking kidding me? "You don't think I want to? You don't think that I'm fucking constantly fighting the urge to just go there, fuck planning, fuck everything except getting to her? You think I'm just chillin' over here?" He flipped the sheet music towards Quinn.
He rubbed both hands over the back of his head. I fucking wish I was just relaxing. "Every song, every fucking song I write is for her now. I can't stop thinking about her." I never did. "You have no fucking clue how much I wanna do that, just drive all night to get there." He closed his eyes, shaking his head. It fucking haunts my dreams. "I'd just show up at her condo, or maybe at school. I'd see her and she'd stop dead and I'd just grab her and say that I couldn't fucking stand being out of her life anymore. I'd grab her and kiss her until she fucking melted and I would just - I can fucking taste it, Q, I can taste her, so don't tell me you can't believe where Puck went."
Quinn sat speechless. "You really have changed."
"I grew up somewhere along the line and as much as I can close my eyes and feel her against me I know that I fucked up way too much and hurt her too deep to do that. So what happened to Puck? Puck was the asshole who ripped her heart out. Noah is the guy she loved. Who do you think I want showing up at her doorstep, huh?" He spun the stand back around, picking out the melody on the page. I can be everything I am with her. I just have to get to the 'with her' part.
Quinn tilted her head, examining his expression. "In that case? Keep it up. I wouldn't believe you had you told me that Puck, the Sex God of McKinley, would only want one girl." She grabbed his hand, squeezing quickly. "You'll make it back to her."
"I sure fucking hope so." He erased a line with a frown. "I'm not trying to be a fucking doormat but I - I want her to look at me like she used to again." I want her to look at me, let's fucking start there. "She never asked me to be anything but me when we were together, and that's what killed it. I couldn't believe I deserved her. And I proved I didn't. Now I've got to prove that I do. So no, I'm not gonna go get laid, I'm not gonna fuck around."
"This is - you realize you've turned into a version of her, and she turned into a version of Puck, right? It's eerie."
Noah stopped and looked at her. "You know, you're right?" That's so fucked up. "A version, though. The Puckerone is an original." He smirked and blew her a kiss. Our own weird fairy tale.
"That's better." Quinn peered over the music stand. "Want to play this for me? If you want female vocals, I'm happy to help but I don't sight read."
"Yeah, thanks." Maybe then I'll stop hearing Rach's voice in my head. He strummed the melody, nodding Quinn around the stand next to him.
"I don't want to talk about it to you -
I'm not an open book that you can rifle through.
The cold hard truth that you'll see right to -
I'm just a basket case without you..."
A.N.: Would you believe, this was going to be longer? I do hope you've enjoyed this update, and I'm working on the next one directly. I apologize yet again for the length of time between updates – I explained a bit more on my LJ, see profile for the address, but the bottom line is that updating more often is the goal, and will make us both happy.
And reviews make me happy too. ;)
Love you guys.