Sleeping next to Jane means waking up in the middle of the night, when she shifts and accidentally elbows you in the side. The soothing kiss always comes quickly, pressed to whatever part of your body happens to be closest to her mouth at that moment. It also means falling asleep on separate sides of the bed, but somehow finding each other again while you sleep.
The best part is when the alarm clock goes off, and she reaches over you to shut it off. Despite her sleepy eyes and tousled hair, she's still the most beautiful person you've ever seen. Nine times out of ten, she lies back down and cuddles into your side and you wrap your arm around her, holding her close. She will mumble 'Just a few more minutes, Maur' and close her eyes again.
You will stay awake, because you know she's going to fall back asleep. After more than a few minutes, you will gently stroke her hair and press a kiss to her forehead, waking her up once again. She will smile and briefly open her eyes, before she kisses you on the lips. Morning breath be damned.
Today, these things are absent.
Jane is already fast asleep when Maura enters their bedroom, many hours after the brunette said she was going to bed. Jane is laying on her good side, facing away from Maura, with her arms wrapped around herself. Protecting, even in her sleep.
The blonde brushes her teeth and changes into her nightgown before slipping under the covers, careful not to wake her wife. But the brunette doesn't wake up, the medications have taken their toll on her once again.
Maura keeps the light next to her bed on for a while to be able to read. She's going back to work tomorrow, because she has been absent for nearly a week and they caught a new case. Jane is home, safe and recovering, so Maura doesn't really have a reason to stay away from work anymore. She wants to take care of her wife, but if Jane doesn't want to be taken care of...
The brunette obviously can't go back to work yet, and Maura has asked Frankie to come over tomorrow. She knows Angela won't be good company for her wife right now. Just when she wants to continue reading, the brunette mumbles in her sleep.
"No .. dontwanna .." The brunette rolls onto her back and Maura looks at her, but her eyes are still closed. "Let me .. please."
Maura leans in and softly kisses her cheek, and the brunette quiets immediately.
"Honey. Keep sleeping. It's okay."
"Maur?"
The soft, vulnerable whisper of her name makes the blonde tear up. It's obvious that her wife is still half-asleep, otherwise she definitely wouldn't call her that. Not after how she's been acting the past few days.
"You're okay," she manages. Jane's eyes remain closed, and her breathing eventually evens out again. She probably won't remember any of this tomorrow, and Maura doesn't know if that thought makes her happy or sad.
She decides to put her book on her night stand, and switches off her night light before laying back down under the covers. The brunette is still laying on her back, but Maura refrains from reaching out to her, afraid she will either hurt her or wake her up.
Although her thoughts initially won't stop racing, she falls asleep within minutes, the events of the last few days catching up on her.
..
..
Frankie shows up at exactly eight in the morning, two cups of coffee in his hand.
"Hey, Maura. I stopped at the corner to get some coffee, this is for you. I figured Jane'd still be in bed."
He hands her the coffee and she takes it from him, wrapping her cold fingers around the warm cup.
"Thank you, Frankie," she smiles gratefully. "Yes, Jane is still asleep."
He puts his phone down on the counter and takes off his jacket, holding onto it for a bit.
"How are you holding up?"
Once again, she notices that his eyes look like Jane's. Tears well up in her eyes, and he looks at her, alarmed.
"Maura! What's wrong?"
She shakes her head, trying to shake the tears away. "It's nothing bad," she manages. "It's just ... Jane doesn't talk."
He doesn't say 'oh, is that all' or thinks it's weird she's worried. He wraps her up in a hug, and despite the fact that it's a little awkward, she appreciates it nonetheless. When she pulls away, he patiently waits for her to elaborate.
"Yesterday, she didn't let me redo her bandage. And she's withdrawn. She doesn't want to talk about what happened."
"That's nothing new, though," he offers. "What's different this time?"
"I can't touch her. We held hands in the hospital, but other than that, she flinches and pulls away. I don't know how she's feeling and why she's doing this."
"Have you asked?"
Maura nods. "Yeah, but then she walks away without responding."
Frankie knows she's not done talking, and he doesn't interrupt.
"I really thought I was going to lose her," Maura continues, her voice wavering. "And I know it sounds stupid, but when I held her hand in the ambulance, I saw all the things we're still supposed to do and experience together disappear right in front of me. I just want her to be here for me and reassure me that we're going to be fine and that she's not gone. And I want her to let me be there for her, too."
He sighs, because he knows there's nothing he can do about it right now.
"You just have to remember that you're the one she cares about most, Maura. Not me, not Frost, you," he says. "We all know that, and it's okay."
She remains quiet.
"Even if it doesn't feel that way right now, she still loves you. And she will talk to you, eventually. Just don't push too hard right now, Maura. That's really all I can say."
The blonde smiles shortly. She knows Frankie can't really help her. Jane and her have to solve this.
"Thank you," Maura replies before taking a sip of her coffee, grabbing her phone from the counter with her free hand. "I'm going to work now. Just call me if there's anything, okay?"
Frankie smiles back.
"Always."
..
..
When Jane arrives downstairs nearly three hours later, she sees Frankie sitting on their couch.
"What are you doing here?" she asks, plopping down on the couch next to him. "I thought you were working today."
"I was," he replies. "But your wife asked me to come, and I had some vacation days left. Maura thought having Angela over probably wouldn't be beneficial to your recovery."
Jane smiles. "Ugh. I don't even want to think about having Ma over. Can you imagine?"
"I'd probably have to come and arrest someone at the end of the day," Frankie laughs, before he turns serious again. "How are you, Jane?"
The brunette immediately stops smiling, already suspicious. "Why would you ask? I'm home again, I'm recovering, I didn't die …. So, I'd say pretty good?"
He looks at her knowingly, and she immediately feels attacked.
"I met a crying Maura in the kitchen this morning."
Jane looks down. Anything to not see the disappointment in her brother's eyes.
"So once again, how are you doing?"
"Fine," she mumbles. "I'm fine."
He puts his pointer finger under her chin, urging her to look up at him. "No, you're not fine," he says. "You're being a stubborn asshole."
The sudden expletive that falls from his mouth makes the brunette laugh, although she doesn't smile for very long.
"I will not let Maura walk away from you, from us, because you're not talking to her," Frankie adds. "You love her. Why shut her out?"
Jane wants to get up from the couch and walk away. She wants to be mad at her brother for all these accurate statements. He's right. Of course he is.
"It just … It hurts," she admits, closing her eyes against the wave of guilt that always comes when saying this. "It hurts so much, and I don't want to share it with her, because I just want her to be happy. I can keep the pain for myself if that's what it takes for her to be happy. I don't want her to go through this."
"She's already going through this," Frankie interrupts softly. "Because you're going through this. Don't you understand?"
Jane doesn't respond.
"What hurts?" Frankie tries, hoping his sister won't shut him out. It doesn't seem like it, right now.
The brunette looks at her brother, into eyes that are so much like her own.
"I hate myself for not protecting Ryleigh. I hate myself for not being able to keep Jonas from having to go into Foster Care. And to top that off, I pissed off my wife because I'm unable to show emotions."
Frankie nods. He doesn't mock her. He understands.
"Just tell her that. Tell her exactly that. Can you do that?"
The brunette shakes her head. A tear drips from the tip of her nose onto her grey sweatpants.
"Okay. Okay," he says, putting his arm around her shoulders. He doesn't pull her close, because he knows that'll hurt. "But just say something, Jane. Anything. You have to."
After a few more minutes, the brunette pulls away, wiping her eyes.
"Thanks, brother." She heaves herself up from the couch, stomach already rumbling.
"No problem. But I didn't go to the Academy only to become a relation therapist, so for the rest of the year, you're going to have to solve your own problems."
She punches his shoulder so he knows.
..
..
Constance shows up at work.
Maura is just finishing up a first report when she gets a call from the front desk, saying someone's asking for her. She frowns, immediately thinking of Jane, but the brunette wouldn't let the front desk call downstairs. She'd just come down herself.
The blonde takes the elevator to the ground floor and when she steps into the lobby, her eyes get wide.
"Mother?"
"Maura!" Constance says excitedly. She walks towards her daughter, handbag in one hand, her phone in the other. They hug shortly, before Maura pulls away and smoothens her dress. "What are you doing here?"
"I heard about Jane," Constance says. "You didn't call me?"
She sounds hurt, but she hides it well enough that other people won't notice.
Maura is a little taken aback. "I didn't ... I ... Angela was there, and uh, I didn't know if you wanted to come. You were busy, probably." The blonde still has trouble getting used to a loving mother, although Jane's mother has set a great example already. But accepting the display of affection from her own mother is still a hard task for her.
"I want to show up for my family," Constance replies. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
Maura thinks for a bit before shaking her head. "I don't think so, Mother. She's recovering at home."
Constance nods. "What injuries did she sustain?"
The blonde ticks everything off like a to-do list. "She was in psychological shock after leaving the building, but we managed to prevent her from going into hypervolemic shock. She has three bruised ribs and a gunshot wound to the abdomen, the bullet was removed during surgery and the wound has been stitched up."
"And psychological?"
Maura hesitates. "To be honest, we haven't really talked."
Constance frowns. "What do you mean?"
"She shuts me out. I don't know if she has PTSD. She appeared to be having a nightmare last night, but it's really too soon to tell." The blonde looks away, slightly ashamed that she's sharing all of this with her mother in the lobby of the department. Luckily, they're standing far enough to prevent anyone from hearing their conversation.
Her mother looks at her. "She will come back to you. I know that. She loves you, Maura."
"Everyone keeps saying that, but I'm not so sure anymore," the blonde confesses.
"Of course she loves you," Constance says, frowning a little. "Her face lights up when you walk into the room, Maura. She would do anything for you. There's no way this is going to make the two of you break up. I won't let that happen, because if there's a need to, I'll talk to her myself."
"Mhm," Maura mumbles, but a smile is tugging on the corners of her lips.
"Oh!" Constance suddenly realizes something, opening her bag. "I got something for you and Jane, and ... whoever you'd like to take with you."
She pulls out four small paper tickets, and Maura doesn't immediately understand what they're for. Her mother notices and starts to explain.
"These tickets are for the State Tournament. The girl's soccer team from you high school? The one Jane used to be on? They have made it to the State Championships again. I thought you might want to go and relive your youth. And I think Jane would enjoy seeing those girls play."
Maura puts her hand over her mouth. "Mother! How did you ... This is incredible. But, Jane isn't fully recovered yet. She can't sit in the cold for that long."
"I know," Constance replies. "The game isn't until January 7th. It's only November 22nd, you should be fine."
The blonde wraps her arms around her mother, delighted. "Thank you! Thank you so much."
Constance smiles. "No problem, Maura. Now get back to work, I'm sure you're busy."
Maura nods. This is the woman she knows best.
"I will. Thank you so much, Mother."
..
..
When she gets home, Frankie has already left. He texted her an hour ago that he was going home, and that Jane would manage until she got there.
She takes off her heels and puts them in the shoe closet in the hallway before she hangs up her coat. All of a sudden, an unfamiliar sound reaches her ears, and she freezes.
A piano.
The blonde stays still for a bit, trying to decipher where the sound is coming from. It seems to be coming from upstairs, from their bedroom. She silently walks up the stairs and rounds the corner, before she sees what's going on.
Jane is sitting on their bed, legs crossed, face towards the door. She's playing a slow melody on an old, dusty keyboard.
Maura realizes that her wife looks ... peaceful. She's not at war with herself, or fighting against conflicting emotions. She leans against the door frame and speaks softly, to not startle her wife.
"Where'd you get that?" the blonde asks, putting one hand against the cool wood to calm herself.
The brunette stops playing immediately. She glances at her wife, a guilty look on her face.
"I had Frankie stop by a second-hand store earlier today. Someone had just brought this in, 'cause they found it in the attic and didn't use it anymore. A couple of keys have stopped working, but it plays fine."
Maura is, for the second time today, taken aback. This whole sentence contains more words than the brunette has said to her in the past few days combined. She doesn't know how to respond, so she ends up being silent.
The brunette looks up again. "It's like I can finally breathe again, you know?" Her eyes are a bit cloudy, as if she's far away with her mind. Maybe she is.
Maura nods. She could cry out of relief, because it seems her wife is finally opening up to her. "I think I understand. It's the same thing I feel when I get nervous and recite facts to myself."
Jane smiles shortly, before her face turns serious again. "It's nice."
The blonde wants to walk up to her wife and wrap her up in her arms. She doesn't.
"My head gets messed up sometimes," Jane continues softly. Maura is not sure the detective is speaking because she wants to, because the brunette doesn't look fully aware of what she's saying. "I can't tell the difference between what's real and what's not."
Maura frowns. So it could be PTSD after all. She doesn't mean to comment on the scene in front of her, but it happens anyway.
"I never knew you played."
Jane looks up again. Maura sees her wife debating whether she should tell this or not. "I stopped when I met you."
The blonde frowns, and she's about to apologize when Jane cuts in.
"It's not a bad thing. I just … I didn't need to anymore. You were there to make me feel safe."
Maura is terrified to ask anything else, afraid her wife will put her walls up again. So she stays quiet, and Jane starts to play again. Her hands move over the keys like it's nothing, like she's been doing this every day for years.
And Maura?
Maura falls in love with her wife all over again.
..
..
Akalittlered2 and RavenSkyAngel, I agree with you guys. Jane is an asshole. She's got some explaining to do. Tansikat: Maura will definitely make it clear that this is not how she wants to be treated. Just hang on a little longer! Our ladies will be fine.
This chapter was a tiny bit shorter than usual. I actually wanted Jane to play guitar, but felt like that wouldn't fit into this scene. I hope this is okay. I love you guys so much and thank you a THOUSAND times for taking the time to write a review. They mean so much. I love that you all seem to love the things I write.