WaFfLe TiMe WiTh LiLaM PrEsEnTs: The Spoon, The Pole and The Bear

This was Lilam's first trip to Ashenvale. The Elven lands were still a grand mystery to the gnome who was truly at home in the pristine permafrost of the Dwarven controlled territories. While these luscious, forest-laden lands were very majestic, they also held a sense of enigma for Lilam.

Who knew what was lurking in the thick underbrush of Ashenvale's endless green? What magics still lay hidden underneath the false azure sky? Who wears short shorts? (The Boy-King of Stormwind ...wears short shorts... zing!). But these were not questions that Lilam was meant to answer. Fate had different plans in store for the quirky warrior...

It was one of those days that just make you feel good inside. And considering Lilam always felt good inside, the plucky warrior was in a particularly spunky mood. She skipped mirthfully down the time-worn road, kicking up a dust storm of thick sediments and minerals that glimmered and winked in the noontime sun like a fine rain of stardust.

The scenery was completely foreign to the gnome, the surrealism of the beauty so captivating that Lilam could not keep her jade colored eyes on just one single thing before her curiosity being snatched in a whole new direction, garnering her full attention. So when she happened to pass by a black bear snuffling nearby the road, Lilam hardly noticed.

Even if she had been aware of the animal's presence, she would not have been in any way alarmed. They had bears in the areas surrounding Kharanos, where Lilam was born and had grown up. The young warrior noticed that as she became stronger and moved along in seasons of training, the bears no longer acted aggressively towards her, unless she got too close.

So naturally, she assumed this was the case with all bears. The Ashenvale bear growled lowly at her as she pranced by. "Well grrrrrreat day to you too, Mr. Bear!", Lilam said with a wave, continuing on her way. Before she knew it, a sudden blow across her back sent her spiraling head over heels along the road until she came rolling to a stop.

"Owchers! Boy-o... that is... some strong wind!" Lilam exclaimed as she sat up, grateful that the shield strapped to her back had taken the brunt of the force. An oblong, drop of liquid landed with a soft plop between the gnome's splayed legs.

"Rain?" she pondered aloud, noting that there was not a rain cloud blemishing the vast azure above. "Those silly moony elves must be playing with the weather... I wonder if they can make it rain milk. Then, all I'd need was a ginormous piece of toast and I'd be one very happy Lilam. Not as happy as if I could get the High Tinker to sign each one of my toes, my left elbow and my right cheek, but close..."

A threatening growl from right above her left her sentence hanging in the air, unfinished. With a squeak, Lilam leapt to her feet, whirling around to be face to face with "Mr. Bear". He snorted rancid bear breath right in her face, blowing the loose strands of hair in her face back behind her ear.

"Uhhh... are we gonna' have a problem, Mr. Bear? Because I'm sure standing this close has got to be breaking some third wall... and if not, then your breath certainly did."

The bear roared in indignant fury, causing Lilam to take a few back. She unsheathed her sword and shield, recovering her retreat by stepping into a fighting stance.

"Right-o. Mr. Bear, let me introduce you to Mr. Stabby Sword and Mr. Slammy Shield. Mr. Stabby Sword would like to shake hands with your face. Prepare to be warriored!"

The scuffle didn't last long. In the end, Lilam was the victor however, she did not come out unscathed.

"Co-fluxing capacitors! Who woulda' guessed he'd get so grouchy over something as minor as a profuse internal and external bleeding? I'm sure it wasn't all that... unbearable."

Lilam giggled at the horrible pun. "Since he bared his teeth, one would think he could bear more than that, but he could barely hold his own with his own bare hands. Maybe because he was bare naked and bereft of clothes so he should grow a beard. Wait... beard? Why is beard spelled like bear but doesn't sound like it at all?"

Lilam attempted to ponder this paradoxical enigma, but soon gave up and instead, consulted her map. "I know there's a pond or lake around here somewhere... I'm hungrier than a hungry... bear."

The bright eyed gnome left the gravel path, heading toward the forest in the direction which she thought she would find a source of water, and in turn, fish. While this seemed to be a simple and uncomplicated endeavor, it proved to be quite an arduous task.

Like in a bizarre case of deja vu, Lilam was stopped and forced to contend with bear after bear, each time only barely escaping with her life. Nuts and bolts! How many bears are there in Ashenvale? I can't take two baby gnome steps without running right smack into another one!, Lilam thought in a mixture of utter amazement and growing suspicion.

After what seemed like days, she finally spotted a small lake and rushed to it gratefully. Plopping down on the bank with a loud, fatigued sigh, Lilam immediately unpacked her fishing pole and tried to enjoy her favorite pastime and hopefully catch something to quiet her defiant stomach.

Her stomach was very vocal about its discomfort, growling quite audibly. "Hush tummy! I'll catch some fishies in a splickety quick second and then..."

Another loud growl interrupted her attempts to reconcile with her hunger. Only, this time it wasn't her stomach. Lilam sighed, ready to pull out her hair from the follicle. "This is becoming unbearable! Why are these bears so overbearing?!"

With a shrill cry of frustration, Lilam spun around and brought her fishing pole across the surprised beast's face like a whip, the resounding crack hanging satisfyingly in the air. The bear was momentarily stunned. Lilam saw this and wasted no time sprinting off and away from the bear.

She paused by a tree to catch her breath, leaning her back against it wearily and sliding to the forest floor. An unexpected ruckus caused her to look up sharply as three more Ashenvale bears came bounding out of the underbrush straight at her.

Knowing there was no way she'd survive a tri-assault, Lilam bolted. She leapt over upturned roots, dodged past gnarled branches and skirted past trees and anything else that tried to block her path as she fled. Two of the bears finally gave up the chase, but the one with the lovely welt across his face just kept coming.

A rock cleverly covered up to look like a clump of dirt abruptly tripped the retreating gnome, sending her into a frantic dive onto the ground. She quickly sat up and turned to glower at the slowly approaching bear.

"You look familiar... in fact, all you bears do! I keep killing you but you keep coming back! Why won't you bears stay down? What do I have to do to keep you away from me?!"

Of course, her questions fell on deaf ears and the bear continued to draw nearer. Assuming that her sword was not doing the trick, Lilam rummaged through her pack for something, anything that would stop the bear from "resurrecting" and coming back to attack her.

The bear was almost upon her when she finally resorted to grabbing whatever item she had in her hand at the moment and hope that she wouldn't be brutally mauled all alone in a strange forest where no one would ever find her.

"Die evil bear!" she shouted, thrusting the item before her and clenching her eyes shut so at least she wouldn't have to watch as the bear tore her limb from limb. She waited. And waited. But nothing happened.

Lilam opened one eye. There was no bear there. He had completely vanished. Lilam blinked in utter amazement, letting her gaze fall upon the holiest of holy weapons that had magically saved her life. A single silver spoon rested innocuously in her palm.

"This must be..." she whispered in awestruck disbelief, "... a magicy spoon! It must have some... bear repellant powers that only effect bears, but not gnomes! Hurray!" She lifted the spoon high in the air, and smiled widely as she held it in her vision as if it were Uther's hammer itself.

The hunter patted the fuzzy head of his new pet, exiting the woods and wandering onto the path with a bounce in his step. He grinned smugly to himself, eyeing the bear at his side with swelling pride. Good thing that gnome was there to distract this big guy, or I might have never been able to tame him on my own! What luck!
Lilam trekked her way back to Astranaar to replenish her mind, body and most of all, her stomach. On the way there, she had no more bear troubles to speak of. She sat on a bench near the wall of the Inn, munching happily on some crusty bread.

A proud looking hunter sauntered in with a discontented bear following close behind. Lilam nearly choked on a wad of soggy bread. Without hesitation, she sprang up from her seat and approached the hunter with a wary eye on his pet.

"Moony elf man! There's a bear following you! Run before he snaps your ears off like carrot sticks!"

The Night Elf looked down at the gnome dancing on her feet and frowned. "He's supposed to be following me. He's my pet. Don't worry, he's tame."

Lilam shook her head furiously. "That's just a trick! Those bears, they're... sneaky! Yes, sneaky bears are sneaky! He's just trying to trick you and--"

The man interrupted her with a large hand covering her mouth. "You're not very bright, are you?"

Lilam shoved his hand aside in exasperation. "And you're not the sharpest apple in the crayon box are you?"

"Sh...what?"

"Fine, don't believe me! But you'll regret it. If I were you, I'd get a spoon" Lilam said with a shrug, walking off.

The hunter shook his head, marveling at the effects of radiation and the apparent dilapidating affects they had on the gnomish brain. He strolled out of the Inn and began to head for Stonetalon Mountains, until a low growl stopped him in his tracks...

Lilam was humming to herself jovially when shouts rang out into the crisp, fall air.

"Growly? Growly, why are you looking at me like that? Take it easy, I'll get you something to eat I pro--. Dear merciful Elune in the heavens, why are his teeth so sharp?! No, please! Don't bite me there, that's tender! Sweet Moon Goddess from above! His claws are like serrated glass shards dipped in acid and lit on fire! Why, oh why did I choose to be a hunter? I don't even like leather! It makes me look fat... which is what this bear is now chewing on! Aaaiiiieee!!..."

Lilam merely shook her head. Ignorance is excruciatingly painful bliss.

"You may have won this round bears, but be warned!" Lilam exclaimed to the wind. "Lilam Firesparks is on to your sneaky bear plots to get rid of me. And I don't know why you chose me, but your plans to take over all of Azeroth will fail, so long as I have a magicy spoon in my hand! On my warrior's oath, I swear that your bear empire will fall before the might of my magicy spoon!"

And with this proclamation, Lilam Firesparks, bear slayer, chased after the still screaming Night Elf, spoon held high in the air and ready to give those bears a piece of her mind and more importantly, a piece of her cutlery.