Emotion prompt: Apologetic
Characters: Remus Lupin, Lyall Lupin
Summary: No matter how many times he says sorry, Lyall can't get over the guilt of the curse that he brought over his son.
Pain. That was all Remus could feel as he felt himself return to consciousness. His whole body was on fire; he couldn't understand what was going on. He managed to force his eyes to flutter open. And the first thing he saw was his father, kneeling beside him so that he was at level with him. Tears were running in endless cascades from his eyes.
Remus didn't understand what was wrong. Sure, he was hurting all over, but why was Dad crying? He couldn't comprehend, but to his five years old self, all that mattered was that his Dad was crying and that was very wrong.
"Dad?" he whispered.
Lyall looked up, stunned at his son's voice. He stared at him for one full minute, drinking every bit of his son's scarred, bloodied, battered figure and the amber eyes that still shone bright, and then the tears flowed once again, at the double.
"I'm — I'm so sorry, son," he croaked out, his tears wetting Remus' sheets.
"Dad?" Remus asked, aghast. "Dad, what's wrong?"
But his father would not reply. The tears continued to fall like little diamonds in the dim light.
-o0o-
Remus stared out of the window at the group of children playing outside in the snow. He wanted to join them. He wanted to play. They had moved house again last week; Remus didn't know why. He knew that he wasn't supposed to ask questions; his parents would say something if he did, of course, but the answers, somehow, never seemed to be the truth to him. It wasn't as if he missed his last home. He had no friends there. He had no friends at all. He never got to go out and mingle with other children. His parents tried their best to entertain him, but it could never be the same. Remus knew that Mum and Dad were doing their best to make him happy, so he never complained.
As he stared out of the window, a shadow suddenly appeared over him. Remus turned. It was his father. For a couple of seconds, neither spoke, each staring into the other's eyes. But Remus' longing and loneliness must have shown on his face, because his father's eyes softened and grew sadder.
"No, Remus, you can't go to play outside," he said with a sad smile. "I'm so sorry."
Remus sighed internally, and turned back to look outside.
-o0o-
When Remus woke up shivering, he had no idea where he was and what had happened. He was naked, as he always was after every full moon night, when he turned into... into the monster that he was. There was a painful throb in his side. He raised his hand slowly to where it was hurting the most, and found his fingers covered in blood. What had happened?
It was then that he was aware of laboured breathing near him. He looked up, and met his father's amber eyes. He was shaking all over, fallen on the floor. His trembling hands held a wand, pointed at him.
"R-Remus," he whispered, his voice shaking just as badly as the rest of him, "I'm — I'm so sorry."
Remus stared uncomprehendingly at him. And then it came upon him. He wasn't in the atticattic in which he used to transform. And there were bleeding claw marks on his father's arm.
With growing horror, he turned to look behind him.
The door that led to the attic was broken to bits.
-o0o-
Remus looked from room to room, searching for the copy of 'A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration' that Dad had given him. He had already read the book twice, and loved every bit of it. By the age of ten, his father had given him practically all of his own school books to read. Remus couldn't wait to get his own wand and start learning magic properly.
To keep him entertained, Dad often told him stories of his days at Hogwarts. Remus knew all about it now — quidditch, Hogsmeade, Sorting, the four houses, the exams and the teachers and the ghosts... all of it. And Remus couldn't wait to go to Hogwarts himself.
As he kept looking around, he came to the room where Mum and Dad slept. Momentarily contemplating whether there was any chance of the book being there, and then deciding against it, he turned to leave. But then voices from inside made him freeze and edge closer to the door.
"Why do you keep telling him all those stories about your school, Lyall?" he heard his mother say, her voice agitated.
"It's only to keep him happy, Hope," Dad replied. "He can't even go out and play with others. Telling him these stories to entertain him is the least I can do."
"But telling him stories of a place where he will never go? You yourself told me that he can't go to Hogwarts. What will happen when he finds out that all the dreams of the school are for nothing?"
Dad was saying something, but Remus wasn't listening anymore. He wouldn't be going to Hogwarts. Of course, with his condition, how did he even think that he would be allowed in? No one would take in a monster. But still, the shock kept rolling over him, overwhelming him. He wasn't going to Hogwarts. He would never see the castle, the quidditch pitch, the pumpkin patch, the greenhouses, nothing. He stumbled back, tripped on his feet, and fell to the floor with a thump.
Bare seconds later, the door flew open. His father stared down at him, surprise in his features, which turned to shocked dismay as he realised what Remus had heard.
"Remus! I — we — how much did you hear?" he stuttered. But Remus said nothing, just stumbled to his feet and started backing away.
"Remus," Lyall took a step forward. Remus backed away two steps. "Remus, please, I'm sorry, son!"
Remus began running up the stairs.
"Remus! I'm sorry! Come back! Remus!" he could hear his father yelling, but he kept running, until he reached his room and locked himself in.
A sob escaped him as he flung himself on the bed. He wasn't going to Hogwarts.
-o0o-
Remus stood by the window looking out at the snow that was swirling thickly in the air outside. He would have stayed at Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays, but after what happened, he just couldn't bear it. He couldn't look at Sirius, his once-best friend, and know that the boy he had trusted so much had betrayed him just like that. No amount of apologising could dilute the anger, outrage and sense of betrayal that rankled. He had hoped that being away from the young Black, away in his home, spending a peaceful Christmas with his parents, would keep his mind from the memories, but the letter clutched in his hand had proved otherwise.
Sirius was still apologising; the letter was from him. Remus didn't know what exactly were his feelings at the moment, but he knew that he wasn't ready to forgive him yet.
He felt someone come up beside him, and the warm hand that was placed on his shoulder told him that it was his father. Remus did not turn, he simply lowered his head, and clutched the letter tighter in his hand, crumpling it.
"Why, Dad?" he whispered. "Why did he do it? How could he do it?" His voice shook as he spoke.
"I don't know, son," Lyall murmured. "But knowing Sirius, he had to be angry beyond reason at the other boy to divulge such a secret."
Remus didn't speak, and hoped what his father had said was true, just for Sirius' sake.
He heard his father sigh after a few moments' pause, and then he said those three words that Sirius had being saying to him all these days, crying, begging, whispering, writing (and he didn't know why his father said it; maybe as an attempt to curb the guilt that had been in his heart all that time, that if Remus weren't a werewolf in the first place, there wouldn't be any secret to betray and then the friendship wouldn't have been broken), he said those words that hardly held any meaning to Remus anymore:
"I am sorry."
-o0o-
Remus sighed as he walked back to his apartment. This was the sixth job that he had lost within the span of three months. James and Sirius had offered to help him out several times, but he was too proud and self-conscious to agree; besides, he didn't want to be a burden on them. He had been giving lame excuses to his landlord, who kept demanding the month's payment from him, and he didn't know how long he was going to keep up with that. His parents often wrote him letters, and he always replied to them with sunny words. Mum and Dad had no idea that Remus was wandering around, job-hunting, because no wizarding firm would employ a werewolf. His condition wasn't easy to hide; most people were shrewd enough to notice it soon.
Adjusting his frayed shirt collar, he climbed up the stairs to his flat. And froze.
His father was staring at him, sitting on a step by his door. Both pair of amber eyes stared at each other, and at that moment, Remus knew that his father knew. He had no idea how his father did it, but there was no doubt that one look at him had told Lyall Lupin of his poor condition.
"Remus!" Lyall stood up.
"Um, hi, Dad." Remus tried to edge close to the darkness, so that his greying hair and thin figure and battered clothing wouldn't be noticeable. But the damage was already done.
"Remus, what happened to you?" Lyall demanded, looking him up and down.
"Oh, Dad, I — uh, a little job issue..." Remus knew he was a terrible liar, and at the moment, cursed his poor ability at saying untruths.
The pained expression on his father's face was heartbreaking.
"Come home with me," Lyall caught him by the shoulder. "Now."
Remus knew he couldn't protest.
As they walked down to the street in silence, Lyall spoke so softly that Remus wasn't even sure if it was him or just the wind:
"I'm sorry, Remus."
-o0o-
Remus sat on his bed, staring away at nothingness. His mind was numb. His heart was shattered. His entire being was wrecked. He knew that outside, people were celebrating, not even bothering to take care of subtlety, so great was their elation, but he felt none of it. He felt hollow, empty, and there was a dull ache in his heart. All that he cared about in the world was lost. Three of his best friends were dead, the other had betrayed them, murdered them. He was alone.
He wished that he too had been killed. At least then he would have been with them.
Suddenly, the bed creaked as someone sat down beside him.
"Remus."
It was his father. Dully, Remus realised that he had left the door open, and anyone, even the enemy could have walked in on him sitting here, unprotected, unarmed. Some other time, he would have been relieved that it was only his father, but now he felt nothing.
"Remus," Lyall repeated, a note of worry and urgency in his voice. "Say something!"
Remus stared at his father, his eyes dull, listless.
"He did it," he whispered at last. "He... he betrayed them. They're dead, Dad." And he trembled.
Lyall gently wrapped an arm around his son, and brought his head close to his chest.
"Shh," he soothed, gently stroking his son's hair as Remus finally wept, letting it all out. "Be strong."
"Why, Dad?" he sobbed, feeling a strong sense of déjà vu in the words and the betrayal as he spoke. "Why did he do it? How could he do it?"
This time, Lyall had no answer.
So Remus cried and cried, held by his father lamenting the loss of the people who had been as good as his family, and as the hours rolled by, he imagined (or it might not have been his imagination) his father's voice whispering again and again, "I'm sorry."
He was sorry too. Sorry that he had not been trusted enough to be the secret keeper, sorry that it had to be Sirius who sold them out, sorry for everything that had happened.
Remus was sorry too.
-o0o-
Remus stood at the empty cemetery, his greying sandy hair swaying in the breeze. His hand clutched the small bouquet of flowers that he had brought with him. Two graves lay side by side before him, one older, the other more recent. For now, his eyes were only for the recent one.
Lyall Lupin, it said. Remus knelt before it, and gently placed the flowers on the grave.
"Dad," he whispered. He knew that he was not here to speak for long, to pour out his story of misery and pain. No, he was here just to say three small words, to utter one little sentence. He didn't know why he was going to say it. Perhaps it was for being the embodiment of the curse that brought Lyall Lupin endless misery, just because of one small mistake, or maybe for all those times when he had hurt him or even resented him... or possibly as a sincere apology for having forsaken his wife and unborn child, for his father would never have forgiven him, or even himself, for his actions.
Or perhaps it was simply a repayment, a reply of all those times his beloved father had said it to him and broken his heart every time... But whatever be the reason, Remus knew that it was the appropriate thing to say. And so he said it.
"I am sorry."