Chapter Ten: I Never Cared
She packed swiftly, taking only a few items with her, leaving the western style clothing behind. She folded the aqua gi neatly and placed the velvet case on top of it. Only that which was truly hers was going, she thought fiercely. He'll have no cause to think I only stayed for the possessions. She refused to cry. It is better this way, she chided herself. You can go back home. But deep inside she knew she wasn't going home, not back to the safety of the Aoiya and Jiya's protective hand, not back to resume leadership of her gang. It was no longer the place she needed to be, as if these few weeks with Enishi had made her grow up and ready to be out on her own.
She tried to be angry at him for his rejection, but she understood. She understood more than he realized. She had heard the story of how he watched Kenshin kill his sister and the way it rained red snow until they were covered in blood. She knew his dirty trick on Kenshin, making him think Kaoru was dead when she wasn't, nearly destroyed the swordsman.
The first time she'd seen the white haired man was when he was seeking revenge for his sister's death. He had been determined to kill Kenshin. She had stood with Yahiko and Sano and watched as he nearly defeated the man he accused of murdering his sister, and she had seen the way he was unwilling to kill Kaoru when she stepped between them. Possessed for years by the need for revenge, thwarted in the end, he'd disappeared.
She was well aware that this might be another attempt at revenge and that he could be using her to accomplish some evil task. It was possible that he was lying about dying as well. But, she doubted it. She'd looked beneath his skin, beneath his tiger exterior and had seen a tiny glow. She couldn't be angry with him, but she could mourn the death of that small ray of light in his soul.
She felt his presence at the door, and refused to look at him, pretending to be busy packing, fussing with things that needed no fussing, until she finally ran out things to do to look busy, and picked up the gi and the velvet case. She turned and handed it to him in her outstretched hands. He ignored her actions, and kicked at the floor, his head down.
After To," he stuttered. "After my sister died," he stalled again. Her arms tired of holding the package, she set it down on top of her bag, and sat cross legged on the floor next to it. He slid to the floor as if he was spilled out of an open bottle. She was still, waiting.
"I went back to the Samurai my father was assigned to, but my father was gone, and the one in charge had no use for a weakling, a failure. He traded me and my new owner shipped me off to Shanghai. On the boat, I realized that if I wanted to survive, I was going to have to be tough, so tough that no one would want me because they couldn't trust me when they were finished with me." He stopped and looked at her. Her eyes were liquid blue, he hesitated.
"Are you sure you want to hear this? It isn't nice," he warned. She nodded, and he continued.
"I established my reputation after the first man he lent me to was finished satisfying himself, and I carved him from his chin to his groin while he was sleeping." His dead voice described the murder he'd committed as a child.
He squirmed. "I shouldn't tell you this," he said finally.
"Because I'm a porcelain doll you have to protect from the truth?" she asked sharply, "or because it's ugly and you think I won't respect you when you're finished?"
He hesitated. "Because when you look at me, you won't see me anymore. You will see your memories of the things I've done in my past."
"Do you trust me?" she asked.
Startled, he searched her face for the right answer. "I am learning to," he said finally.
"Me too," she responded quickly.
'I have hurt everyone who has trusted me since Tomoe died," he confessed. "I haven't cared if they lived or died unless it affected my plans. I have killed good people who wanted to love me. I never cared what happened to them. I'm not safe."
She reached over and opened the velvet case. She took out one of the knives he'd had designed especially for her hand. "You didn't give me a toy," she said, her eyes never leaving his. "This is a weapon with one function." He nodded in agreement. The knife left her hand and flew by his face, leaving a welt behind, before slamming into the wall behind him. "You gave me the tools I needed to protect myself. I am not like your mother or Tomoe. I have been trained to do whatever was necessary to protect what is mine and you are aware of my training."
He reached up to wipe away the blood, but his fingers only touched a slight swelling. "You have improved," he said, pleased.
She nodded. "You can only hurt me if I chose to be hurt by you." She retied the ribbons and handed him the precious weapons. "I chose," she said softly.
"No lies, no games?" he replied, huskily, trying to add a little lightness to the discussion.
She smiled. "No lies, no games."
His hands dropped the knives on the floor, the loud thud echoing louder than their heart beats. "Don't go, Mi-chan. Please don't go."
She embraced him, running her fingers through his hair, up and down his neck, as if they had a mind of their own. His fingers nimbly unwound her long braids, freeing them as if they'd been held captive like his soul. Fingers tangled in each other's hair, their lips met and they were lost in the taste. Fear set aside with each article of clothing, trust growing with each exploration, the light inside him blazed.
Contented and happy, he laid next to her, hoping she felt half as satisfied as him. He watched her sleep, and nudged her to see if she was still awake.
She yawned and stretched. He tickled her belly. She laughed and moved closer to him. "The first time I saw you," he said, remembering, "You were so small and mean. You had a huge frown on your face, and the tall one had to hold you back to keep you from jumping into the fray." He laughed and she snuggled deeper. "When Kaoru-san interfered with the battle, I was furious. I wanted to kill her."
"But you didn't," she reminded him.
"Because I couldn't," he said softly. "I couldn't give you a reason for hating me." He kissed her forehead, and smoothed her long hair out of her face.
She bounced up and punched him in the arm so hard it hurt and he yelped in surprise at the attack.
She snuggled back against him as if nothing had happened. She grinned and he couldn't help smiling back. "Now we're even, Mr. Tough Guy!" she declared. "That'll teach you to mess with my friends."
He laughed. A real laugh from deep inside the tiger, finally tamed, still dangerous to others, but tamed by the girl who'd become a woman finally.