Of late, she was beginning to feel unsure, as if she was standing on ice in the middle of summer. And it was beginning to melt, no surprise there. What was surprising was that she could not tell where it cracked first, everything was so interconnected, when one thing could seemingly affect ten others. So James was gone and Stahl remained and not necessarily in that order. She was still thinking about that night and kept asking herself "How the hell did I let that happen?". What made it worse was the fact that she could not remember what happened exactly. Everything was so cloudy. But she certainly felt the cold leaving his apartment that morning, as well as feeling pretty disgusted and pissed. And humiliated. Now that really hurt her pride. She threw the key into his mailbox and swore not to ever come back.

It was helping that she hasn't seen him for at least a week, just enough time to regain her composure. Now she was back, cracks all smoothed over, at least on the outside. And as far as inside was concerned, she thought she knew how to hide her emotions when necessary.

So she carried the crap in herself and, of course, the nightmares came forward. She thought that the times she got them were almost over and she did experience long periods of their inactivity . Some of her pain was acquired so long ago that, by right, she could let go and move forward. Pain that was never to be forgotten, of course, but no longer at the forefront of her mind. She has chosen a new path and was not sorry.

So you see, dear reader, a great deal of her personal strength came from those past times when she learned that the world did not owe her anything special. More than that, it presented her with undeserved hurt and, moreover, guilt. But she was strong now and able to withstand the memories without going under. At times, Thomas, Miguel's older brother entered her thoughts causing a sad smile to appear. She loved him at some point, she was sure, but if he really loved her back then she no longer knew. They met in middle school. She was already friends with Miguel and was quite surprised at the arrival of Thomas. Miguel had never mentioned that he had a brother before, and she knew Miguel quite well. So she was surprised one day to see a tall fair-skinned and green-eyed boy coming out of Miguel's house. That day Harlee and Miguel were sitting outside on the stairs, stereo blaring. The boy looked and frowned at them and went on his way. She turned to Miguel with questioning eyes and he answered, "That's my brother". "Your brother?", she said. "are you kidding me, man?". Miguel winced and said, "Well, it's not something we like to discuss at my house. I did hear once that Dad had a fling with this woman while he was in the service. I"ve never seen her, only in pictures. She was blond and pretty but I hated her guts. Mom cried when she found out. She wanted to leave but she could not go, she did not have many friends or any money and her dad and ma were still in Puerto Rico. And she already had me. So she stayed and father promised to "mend his ways". I don't know if he ever did". Miguel smiled viciously. "So now we got this crap. I heard his mother died in some horrible accident and he wanted to meet his father. It's freaking weird". Harlee was really struggling not to let her jaw hit the floor. It's true, this was really weird but he next thing she knew, Miguel jumped up and decided to go play ball and she came along as usual. They had a good time that night, their friends at the park with Charlee the German shepherd and Buster the bulldog. She loved those dogs, they were so smart and friendly, always ready to play. Thomas did not enter her thoughts until the next morning when he climbed up on the bus right after them. He was two years older...

Harlee's thoughts made a u-turn and she sighed at remembering her most recent loss. James was gone. Well, not really gone but gone from her. She did not expect it to end so quickly. It was going so well, he was smart and attractive and good in bed. She felt that, perhaps, they had potential. She remembered his kindness and warmth, remembered how comforted she felt when she was close to him, something she hasn't felt for so long. And then this horrible thing with Caroline happened. Harlee did not know for sure but it seemed that James knew that she was somehow involved and he told her to get the hell out. "Damn it", she thought. One thing, one good thing she had in addition to her most prized being in the world, Cristina, and the job that she loved was James. She remembered how he looked at her that day, this huge powerful guy, his eyes shining with tears. He did not stop her in the moments it took her to reach the door. Hurt, disappointment and sadness washed over her and she left, knowing there was no going back. Her safety net was gradually disappearing. She started to question her life and her being, her friends and her crew, the validity of those relationships. All of a sudden there was just too much light cast on the jagged edges, things she had chosen to ignore. And it was only getting worse-Tessa was cranky and oppositional, Woz increasingly paranoid and unpredictable, still holding a grudge, and James, James was gone. And the irony was that an unwelcome thing remained-Stahl. And she liked him as much as she liked sand paper, damn thorn in her side!