Chapter Ten

He drops the hands that are reaching for her to his sides, slumps back against the hard stone behind him. For a moment he feels like he lost the ability to speak, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get a single word past his lips.

He had wanted to reason with her, making her see, that he is only acting in her best interest. He never wanted to cause a fight, never wanted to bring out the skeletons he had in his closet. She had brought them to light anyway and now he's not even entirely sure how he is feeling. Is he angry, sad, hurt, all of those? And more importantly who is he feeling all those emotions for? Himself? Her?

Is he angry with her for bringing up a topic he thought they closed a while ago, for seeking a fight in the first place? Or is he angry with himself for letting the situation with her even get that far?

There is plenty of reason he had to be angry with himself. He should have left her the moment he learned it was her husband he had killed right before the Dome came down. Should have told her the truth from the beginning. Should have never get involved with her. Yes, he should be angry with himself.

But they had gone over all this already, established that it was okay, that she wanted him to stay even after what he had done to her. So who the hell does she think she is to bring that up now.

"If you had let me sleep in my damn car like I wanted to, I never would have had the need to lie to you" His calm is gone now, too. They both know, the three kids in the next room can hear every single word of their conversation but they honestly don't care. They should have had this fight days ago, when she first confronted him.

"If you had not been so busy killing my husband, you never would have needed to sleep in your car" She snaps back. She hadn't intended for anyone to find out he killed Peter. Of course the town's people suspect it now, but what proof do they really have? She would have to talk to the teenagers about that later.

"You think I want to be trapped in here?"

"You know, when this Dome finally lifts, why don't you just get lost because I don't want you!" She moves over to the spot he just vacated against the wall and looks at him.

"With pleasure, because even if you might think so, I don't need you"

He leaves her then. There's really nowhere to got, he knows that but he needs just a minute away from her. He needs just a minute to cry and he is not doing that with an audience. He enters the small restroom, closes the door, leans against it and lets the tears fall.

He's not thinking when he reenters the main room. The only thing he really notices is Joe and Norrie both camped out on her bed and his pillow and blanket are thrown onto the floor. She probably must have kicked them off the bed right after he left. She's not looking at him when he makes his way over to Joe's bunk and he's glad because he doesn't want to look at her either.

He spends the remainder of the day sitting there, playing the argument over and over in his mind, searching for anything on his part that could have brought on this fight but in his state of mind the only thing he can see is her being irrational and, more importantly, wrong.

He won't say he hates her, he loves her too much for that but he keeps telling himself the very thing he had told her. He doesn't need her, doesn't need her to be with him, doesn't need her loving him. He does not need her love.

He figures out pretty soon, that he does need her. He spends the hours trying to deny it, then. It works out great for a while but when Joe goes and turns off the generator, bathing them in complete darkness once again, there is nothing to focus on anymore. He can't see the chairs he used to ponder what wood they are made of exactly, can't see the heavy steal door he used to wonder whether or not it actually would resist the force of a bomb. All he sees is blackness and so it's just a matter of time, before he can hear the almost non-audible sounds of her crying.

"I'm sorry" she says when he slides in next to her. "You know I want you"

"I'm sorry, too and you know I need you" he moves closer carefully, almost afraid she would reject him. "I honestly believe you made me want to become a better person. One that doesn't have to lie to you, one that doesn't want to lie to you"

"I'm so sorry" she repeats, curling deeper into his side. He missed this the last hours, she did too.

"Don't be" he pushes loose strands of red hair out off her face. He can't see her but he can feel her smile just a little. "I won't lie and say it didn't hurt but it's my own fault. I know this will always stand between us to some degree, I can't change that and I don't want to. As long as you hate me just a little for what I did to you, this is more real. I don't expect you to fully forgive me some day but I want you to know that as long as you let me, I will do whatever it takes to come back to you when we reach that point again. I love you, Julia."

He kisses the top of her head, interlaces their fingers now that he is sure she is not pushing him away. He lets her turn to her side so her eyes could search his in the darkness. He is fully aware of her injured shoulder – she is, too but grits her teeth because she needs to do this face to face – but he promised himself that he would not treat her as fragile as he had done before. He's not going to stop caring for her, helping her and she would definitively not leave his sight without someone walking with her, but he wants to make things right between them again and if she needs to be more independent he can let her be just that to the degree she can handle.

She holds his blue eyes with her green ones, reaches with her right hand up to cup his cheek. She loves him even more when she feels traces of tears on his face.

"I need you to know that I don't mean it when I say things like that and you have to promise me to never forget that. I will never stop letting you come back. We have been through too much together to just throw it all away over nothing"

"This isn't nothing" he starts, needs her to understand that he still thinks he's not good enough for her. He had killed her husband, led her to believe he had never seen Peter, lied again, when he had the chance to set the record straight. How could she seriously be in love with him after all that?!

But she is and that's why she cuts him off before he gets any further.

"It is" she insists, kissing him softly when he tries to argue "I'm done swelling on the past. I've spent so much time thinking about the what ifs and look what it brought me" She stops, lets him wipe away the tears that fall. "I have a family in the here and now, I'm with you in the here and now, I love you in the here and now. So why can't we just live in the here and now?"

He is moved by her speech, can't say anything, but he nods, tells her he would love to forget what had happened when they first met. He isn't naïve, knows he may never forget what happened, may never fully forgive himself just like she won't be fully forgiving him for all the lies he told her. She wants to try however, wants to be with him and though he still can't comprehend why she wants him, he is not foolish enough to throw that chance out the window.

He pulls her back into his side, covers them both with his blanket. He doesn't know how late it is, how long they have before the three teenagers would be awake but both of them haven't slept at all yet. He can tell she's tired when she rests her head in the crook of his neck, her closing eyelids brush his skin. He kisses the top of her head and takes her hand in his again.

The teenagers find them like this thirty minutes later, tiptoeing out off the room to let the stillness go on for a little while longer. They could not have slept that much after all.