And here is another crack, this one was promised at the end of It's Just a Dream, thanks again to those that reviewed!
As you walk into the Konoha fair, you feel excited, so many attractions, all managed by characters from Naruto. You notice that Shikamaru is sitting on the grass with a group of other lazy people, a small sign saying 'cloud watching simulator' nearby. Choji and Choza have a food stand, though you don't understand how they can make any profit, or why they're not eating with all this food in front of them. As you keep walking, you see a 'molestation stand' with Neji and Sasuke tied up while fangirls … well … molest them. A chuckle escapes your lips. Then, a flash of orange picks your interest. Soon, you find yourself in front of a bright orange stand with a red curtain. The curtain moves, and Naruto emerges in an obnoxious orange suit with an equally orange tie and a white shirt.
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome! Today on the Uzumaki stand, a very unique attraction! A lottery with a very unique reward! The people with the selected number will be able to summon something from their house using this seal." Naruto points at a very complex looking seal. "And hurl it at …" The curtain part, and your eyes, along with everyone's widen in shock. "… Uchiha Madara! The very creator of the Moon Eye Plan and overall evil genius!"
"Come on kid, just because my plan almost ruined your life you're going to put me through this? You're quite petty you know?"
The crowd goes wild, everyone think of the things they could throw on Madara, who is tied up spread eagle on a metallic frame. You yourself have a few wicked ideas, who knows, you might get lucky …
"And now, a round of applause for my two helpers! First, my beautiful girlfriend, Hyuga Hinata!" Hinata comes on the stage, wearing a grey suit, the skirt reaching just below her knees. She smiles and wave to the crowd, and once again it goes wild. You hear a few grumbles from some persons that support other pairings, but they just had to read another fanfiction. "And our second helper, a great man whose hat I will one day wear, brought back here by the marvels of fanfiction, Senju Tobirama!"
Naruto points behind the crowd, and as everyone turns, another sealing matrix activates. In an explosion of smoke, Tobirama appears on top of some weird apparatus, looking like a giant metallic crossbow with strange mechanisms. He wears dark blue pants, a white shirt and a dark blue sleeveless jacket, the kind you see on the cliché bartenders. He raises his fist in the air, and the crowd answers. Once they finish with the introductions, you prepare to take your wallet to pay for a ticket but …
"Now, the tickets are free, this is just too fun to make you pay!"
"Brat, you lack any commercial sense." States the target.
"Shut up Madara!" Bellows the Nidaime Hokage, his hand drawn to a lever that probably fires the huge ballista.
Hinata passes through the ranks and distributes the tickets, and soon the lottery begins.
"Alright, the first winner is … Starfairy41s! If you would please head to the seal and summon your … is that … a sailor moon alarm clock? I understand why you want to get rid of it. Now hand it to Tobirama."
Tobirama takes the clock, put it inside the ballista and leads the lucky winner to a seat behind the machine. Some kind of cartoon cliché sight suddenly spring from the upper part and locks itself on Madara's face.
"Oh come on, you won't really do that, will you? I mean, come on, I just want world pea…" Apparently, staifairy is trigger happy, though you would be too in their place.
"Alright, next is … hey, there's a pall here! Chewie Cookies! Man, so many NaruHina fics! Alright go to the seal and … What the heck? What is this thing doing at your place?"
And that's a question you also ask yourself, for he summoned an old fashioned popcorn machine, the like of which you see more often in fairs. Tobirama is almost drooling, and Madara is paling. With a slightly deranged cackle, Tobirama picks the thing up and runs to the crossbalista.
"No! No! Are you crazy? That thing will kill me!"
"Aww, don't worry Mady, it's a fanfiction, you're immortal." Said Naruto, clearly trolling his prisoner.
"WHAT? You mean people can throw other things like THAT at me and I won't even be able to escape it through death? That's inhum …"
Apparently, Chewie Cookies has a twitchy trigger finger too. You take a moment to admire the magnificent curve the popcorn machine drew in the air, and the way it smashed right in Madara's face. He probably lost a few teeth.
"Alright, third is Midnight-the Angel of Darkness. You know the drill."
The winner summons a book –Fifty shades of Grey you notice- and goes to the ballista. Tobirama looks at the book, disappointed, but load it nonetheless. Midnight climbs into the seat, takes aim … but hesitates. Just when an annoyed Tobirama is about to intervene, he suddenly aims lower, shoots … and a high pitch scream tears through the air. You snicker to yourself. 'Good one.' A row of applause rise from the crowd, you're not the only one to think that.
"Fourth … A lady! Typical Swedish Girl, please could you go summon your thing?"
To your surprise, she summons a house cat, though you have to admit that the thing is sending slightly scaring glares around. Tobirama seems reluctant to come near the beast, and you understand him. Then, a highly disturbing scene happens. Tora, the cat, comes closer, with admiration sparking in its eyes, it then get out a small notepad and a pen from his fur and looks at the cat, like the little devil is asking an autograph. The cat gets out of her owner's arms and takes both the notepad and the pen, and it DOES give an autograph to Tora. The demon cat then mewl in joy and run off after repock … err refurring both items. The girl then pick the cat back up, moves to the front of the crowd and murmurs something in the feline's ear. In a blur, the cat is in front of Madara's face, its claws all out and murder in its eyes. With a mighty meow, it begins to scratch the hell out of the ancient Uchiha, with the crowd roaring in approval, chanting encouragements for the cat. When the cat return to the ground, Madara is in tears and his face is almost completely red from the scratching. Serves the bastard right.
"Alright, after this piece of feline fury, the fifth winner is Zeb910!"
The guy whoops in joy and runs to the seal, where he summons a bokken. You catch a gleam in Tobirama's eyes, but when he tries to take the wooden sword, the owner signal that he'd like a little something, and then murmur something in Tobirama's ear. The smile that appears on the former Hokage's face is positively wicked. Making a clone, he sends it to Naruto while he goes to the ballista to prepare everything. Quickly the same smile appears on the blond's face. When you see the metal frame to which Madara is tied to been turned around you, along with the rest of the crowd, understand what's to come. With a whack, the bokken is fired, and Madara lets out a squeal. Naruto grips the handle, twist the wooden sword a few times, and then rip it out. Madara is bawling his eyes out, but hey, who cares? Naruto then turn him back to face the crowd again.
"Alright, sixth, thegoldninjalegacy."
The winner goes to the seal and summons … a bunkbed. Big. Massive. Fully made of metal. Tobirama looks appreciatively at the furniture then pick it up effortlessly and loads it into the ballista. Another whack, a massive crash, and Madara is partly buried under the pieces of the bed. Tobirama is smiling maniacally while shaking thegoldninja's hand.
"Seventh, lili28shinigami! Over to the seal now please."
Shinigami goes to the seal and summons a tupperware full of rotten tomatoes, which suddenly cause a wail of despair to escape Madara's lips.
"Noooooooooooooo! How could you? *sob* How could you leave those poor, innocent tomatoes to rot? You monster."
Tobirama eyes the container for an instant, then shrugs. Shinigami open the container and hands it to the Nidaime who loads it into the ballista. Then, the Tupperware is fired, with the rotten tomatoes splattering all over Madara's face.
"Did you know tomatoes are sacred for the Uchiha?" asks Tobirama with a devious smile. "He'll have to eat all he can reach if he wants to stay true to his faith."
And indeed, Madara begins to lap what he can, a disgusted expression on his face. You're happy you're not in his place.
"Eighth, Lemon Maniac!"
And this time the weapon is a salami stick. A simple glance, and Madara is once again turned.
"Noooooo! Not again please! I'm sorry! I'll be good! I won't be an evil mastermind anymore! I promise! Gyaaaaaargh!"
Too late Mady. Seriously, the number of trigger happy people in this crowd is impressive.
"Alright, ninth is BombSquadNo.666."
From the depth of the seal emerges … a racoon. A feral, deranged looking racoon. For reasons unfathomable, it immediately dislikes Madara. With incredible agility, the beasts jumps from head to head until it launches itself at the old Uchiha … and then begins to claw his face out. Once done, it jumps down with something akin to a satisfied expression on its face. To your surprise, the cat from ealier jumps from its owner's arms and goes to the racoon, and the two begin what looks like a chat, probably about clawing peoples' faces out.
"Tenth, Hannah K!"
The girl summons a cactus, and then looks at Madara with a devious smirk on her face before slowly moving her pointer finger in a circle. Madara pales again, whimpering slightly while Tobirama looks like he could jump in joy. Madara is turned, the cactus is loaded, and the trigger pressed.
"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Looks like the cactus didn't hit only one part of Mady's anatomy. A satisfied smile comes to your face.
"Eleventh, Belnonm!"
The guy goes to the seal, sneezing a bit, before summoning a trashcan full of used handkerchiefs, visibly spring wasn't nice to him, but at least it gives an occasion to humiliate Madara. Tobirama loads the trashcan in the ballista, and with one last sneeze, Belnonm pull the trigger. A whack latter, Madara has a new hat and some very disgusting tings on him.
"And Twelfth, SliceNDicer8!"
Your fellow fan goes to the seal and summon a stack of papers and a bottle of vinegar.
"Sorry, only one item." Say Tobirama. Not missing a beat, SliceNDicer simply pours the vinegar onto the paper. The stack is then loaded into the crossbalista, and fired. Like shuriken, the papers tears through the air and a bit through Madara's skin, the vinegar causing the wounds to burn and the Uchiha to squeal in pain yet again.
"And that is done! Thanks to all that participated! I hope to see you ag…"
With a sound of twisting metal, Madara frees himself.
"FREE! You will all pay now!"
But just when Madara is about to unleash his fury on the crowd, a hero *cough* comes to save the day.
Author style, dynamic writing!
Lord Farsight flies in, typing furiously on his laptop, and a barrier of words appear suddenly around Madara.
"What the fuck? And the fourth wall asshole?"
"Dude, I've had a twelve years old Hinata castrate two Akatsuki to protect Naruto, I created a ramen golem and raised a temple to the Log in the form of a bar, I've done so many crazy things in this universe that stepping in the story is mild at best. Now, time to end this."
Author style, Doom of a Thousand Youth!
A strange portal appears under Madara, causing him to fall in what seems to be a sunset, with waves crashing on rocks if your hearing doesn't betray you. You shiver.
"Now, I have done my duty! This fic is safe, I shall take my leave."
And the author, this hero, leaves the scene, walking away in the sunset in a display of otherworldly coolness that would make any self-respecting human jealous. Of course, the fact that he is writing your thoughts has nothing to do with your worshipping of him.
And done! I'll have to think of new cracks, so it might take me some time to update.
A huge thank to Syynex, my Beta, who avoided me the shame of many gramatical errors. Praised be Syynex, and of course praised be the Log.