"I really don't think anyone is gonna buy this, Selina," said Poison Ivy, as she and Selina Kyle sat at a table in Dini Towers. "And I don't think pretending to be in a lesbian relationship with me is going to make Batman jealous. He'll probably just wanna watch."
"Look, Ivy, he didn't bite with J, and I can't just give up," snapped Selina. "I just have to keep going to extremes until he finally snaps. Or I do."
She swirled the wine around in her glass. "So have you ever…y'know…kissed a girl?"
Ivy shrugged. "I've experimented a little, sure," she replied.
"With Harley?" asked Selina.
"Why does everyone think that?" demanded Ivy. "First of all, even if I'd wanted to, do you think Harley has even the remotest interest in anyone but the clown? And second of all, why would I want to kiss anyone who's been with the clown? God knows where he's been, and what kinda sick diseases he's got!"
"What…uh…kinda sick diseases do you think he has got?" asked Selina, slowly. "Like if someone kissed him…what kinda tests do you think they'd need to get done?"
Ivy stared at her. "Oh God, you didn't kiss the clown, did you?"
"I…may have," agreed Selina.
"What, like, a real kiss?" asked Ivy.
"There were…tongues," admitted Selina.
Ivy shuddered, taking a long drink from her wine glass. "Oh God! That's just…oh God!" she said, shutting her eyes. "And you tell me that while I'm eating!"
She sighed. "Bats can't really be worth all this, can he, Selina?" she demanded. "I mean, the lengths you're willing to go to get him back…you're acting like Harley, for Christ's sake! Can't you just move on and find a different guy?"
"Of course I can, if I wanted to," snapped Selina. "But it's the principle of the thing, Ivy. I want to know I've got him completely in my power. I want to know he's crazy about me, that he loves me, and that it would kill him to see me with someone else. And then I can play around with other guys, to annoy him. It's more fun that way."
"Yeah, I get that," agreed Ivy. "That's kinda how me and Harvey work. I would never wanna submit myself to a man by committing to be in a relationship with him – it's demeaning. But knowing that you've got a guy hooked, and watching him squirm while you mess around…that's female empowerment."
"Yep," agreed Selina, nodding. She took a sip of wine. "Kinda what J does to Harley, though…"
"Yeah, but he's a man, so it's wrong," snapped Ivy.
"Speak of the devil," said Selina, nodding at the entrance to the restaurant. Ivy turned to see Joker and Harley sitting down at a table.
"Well, it looks like they've reconciled," Ivy sighed. "Unfortunately."
"Yeah, I feel really bad for Harley," said Selina. "It must be hard to be so dependent on a guy that you'll do ridiculous things for him, getting absolutely nothing in return. Now if you see Bruce Wayne come in, be sure to hold my hand…"
"After you, my dear," said Joker, pulling out Harley's chair for her. Harley sat down slowly, expecting him to pull the chair away at the last second so that she'd fall to the ground – he'd done that before. But she was surprised and also unnerved when she just sat down, and he gently pushed the chair in, taking his own across from her.
"You sure ain't…acting like yourself, Mr. J," said Harley, slowly. "And you don't sound much like yourself either."
"I thought that was what you wanted, my little turtledove," said Joker, beaming at her. "For me to change into a gentleman for you. The real me isn't very cultured or kind or polite or generous or caring, and I thought you insisted that I become that kind of man before we could be reconciled."
"Oh yeah, I did," agreed Harley, nodding. "It's just a little…unnerving, y'know. I ain't used to it yet, I guess."
Joker beckoned the waiter over. "We'll have a bottle of your '92 Châteauneuf-du-Pape, my good man," he said. "'92 was a very good year," he said authoritatively, turning to Harley.
"Uh…the 1992 or the 1892?" asked the waiter.
Joker continued to smile at him. "Whichever one was a very good year," he muttered, his smile looking a little forced.
"They were both…" began the waiter, but Joker's smile dropped at that instant.
"Look, buddy, I don't really care, all right?" he demanded. "Just bring me something that doesn't taste like crap and has an expensive tag on the label, got it?"
"Yes, sir!" said the waiter, hurrying off.
Joker cleared his throat. "Um…while they do say wine is among the interests of a gentleman, I have to confess that I find the whole idea one big joke," he said, smiling at Harley again.
"Yeah, me too," agreed Harley. She had enjoyed the Joker shouting at the waiter – he was like the old Mr. J again. But now he was this creepy, nice, fake version that she had to admit, she didn't really like. But she couldn't very well say that, after all the fuss she'd caused about him doing this for her. And it was sweet of him, really, to go through all this trouble. So she remained silent, sipping the wine the waiter brought, and wondering how best to tactfully ask him to go back to the way he was normally.
"Uh…Mr. Joker, sir…" stammered a man in a suit, coming over to him. "The orchestra is ready, whenever you are…"
"Thank you, Francis," said Joker. "Just play some mood music for now – we'll be dancing after dinner, assuming that's what Miss Quinn wants. Anything you'd like to hear while we eat, my angel?" he asked, turning to her and smiling.
"Oh…uh…just some…showtunes, maybe?" asked Harley.
The conductor's face fell. "Showtunes?" he repeated. "This is the Gotham City Symphony, Miss Quinn…"
"The lady said showtunes, buster!" shouted Joker, standing up. "You got a problem with that, you talk to me about it!"
"Uh…no, no problem, Mr. Joker, sir," squeaked the conductor. "We'll…uh…manage."
Joker sat back down, slowly. "I apologize, my dear," he said, smiling at Harley. "Raising one's voice is not the most gentlemanly thing to do."
"Oh no, it's ok," said Harley, hastily. "I…uh…liked it. Really…uh…manly and forceful, and all for me…it's sweet."
"What do you suppose he's saying to her?" muttered Ivy, watching the couple intently. "Probably insulting her."
"Or promising her a lotta stuff he's just gonna break in a couple days," said Selina. "Pathetic. You seen Bruce Wayne yet?"
The Joker continued his act throughout dinner, asking Harley what she thought of the food, and if the music pleased her, and her opinion on various current events. It was like going out on a first date with a guy, and Harley absolutely hated it. This wasn't her first date with Mr. J – she knew Mr. J like she knew herself. She just wanted them both to act naturally, to not have to make some stupid effort to impress each other, and to just be themselves again.
After dinner, he took her hand and led her over to the dance floor, where the conductor began playing a slow waltz. It was nice, thought Harley to herself, but the waltz wasn't really her and Mr. J's kinda dance. Much too stiff and restrained and formal. She longed for them to play something else, and was just about to say so, when the music stopped, and the Joker went up to the microphone.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!" he said, beaming. "I'm sure all of you recognize me as the Joker, the insane supercriminal who's held up this joint a lotta times before. So you know the drill – hand over your wallets!"
Everyone began reaching into their pockets, when the Joker laughed. "I'm just kidding!" he said. "I'm actually not here to rob anyone tonight! I'm here to win something that I lost back – something very precious and valuable to me. I've done some really stupid things recently – I've made a few jokes that really crossed the line. And if you know the kinda jokes I usually do, then you can imagine how much it takes to cross that line," he chuckled. "And as funny as pain and humiliation is to other people, it's not funny when it happens to you. Or to people you care about. Now as you all know, I ain't a very affectionate kinda guy. I don't really get things like compassion or sympathy or love. Those things ain't funny, so I don't take 'em seriously. In fact, I don't take anything seriously, and because of that, I almost lost…the one person who takes me seriously," he said, nodding at Harley. "So I just wanted to tell ya how I feel, baby. And this song is for you."
"J can sing?" asked Ivy, puzzled, as the Joker began.
"Strange dear, but true dear, when I'm close to you, dear, the stars fill the sky, so in love with you am I. Even without you, my arms fold about you, you know darling why, so in love with you am I."
"J can sing," breathed Selina, awestruck by how good he actually sounded. Harley gazed at him, a part of her loving this, but most of her just really uncomfortable. It wasn't like her Mr. J to sing her a love song in public, or in private for that matter.
"So taunt me, and hurt me, deceive me, desert me, I'm yours, till I die..." And Harley grew angry at that. Mr. J would never sing something like that. She might, but Mr. J wouldn't. And Harley didn't want Mr. J to be like her. She just wanted him to be like himself. She wanted them both to go back to normal.
"So in love..."
"Stop, stop, stop!" cried Harley, grabbing the microphone from Joker suddenly. "This isn't Mr. J! I'm real sorry about this, everyone! I'm afraid I did a really bad thing, and asked Mr. J to change himself for me. That was stupid, I see that now. Because the guy I'm in love with don't make big, affectionate speeches, and don't sing romantic songs. He…uh…he makes jokes. He hurts people because he thinks it's funny. And he ain't no gentleman. And…I just want him back," she whispered, turning to him pleadingly. "I love him, just the way he is."
Joker beamed at her. "She's right, folks," he agreed, stroking her hair back. "This is all a big gag, and not a very good one. You wanna show 'em what we're really like, kiddo?"
"Yeah, Mr. J," whispered Harley.
Joker snapped his fingers. "Frankie! Give us a tango!"
"J can dance?" asked Ivy, surprised, as they watched Joker and Harley move onto the dance floor.
"J can dance," agreed Selina, staring in astonishment at the couple, who were performing some pretty impressive moves. All eyes in the restaurant were fixed on them, and Harley had to admit, this was a lotta fun – performing for an audience with Mr. J always was. He dipped her down as the song finished, sliding a hand up her leg and kissing her passionately as everyone applauded.
"Encore?" he asked, grinning.
"Encore," she giggled.
They launched into a complicated tap dance and swing routine which wouldn't have been out of place in a Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers film. The only difference being that the Joker and Harley Quinn pulled out guns and began shooting random people as they spun away from each other, causing widespread panic in the restaurant as everyone began fleeing.
"Oh, that was fun, Harley girl!" chuckled Joker, as they left the empty restaurant when the dance finished and headed toward the parking garage.
"Sure was, puddin'," breathed Harley, leaning adoringly on his arm.
"Guess I'd better take you back to Jervis and Johnny now, huh?" he asked.
"Oh…yeah…ok, you could do that," agreed Harley, slowly. "Or I could…come home with you," she breathed, kissing him tenderly.
"Mmm, tempting, pooh," he said, putting a finger to her lip and smiling as she began kissing it. "But a gentleman couldn't possibly take a lady to his home on their first date…"
He choked as Harley grabbed his bowtie. "I don't want you to be a gentleman no more," she hissed. "I want you to be a sick, nasty, dirty, very bad man. Think you can do that for me, Mr. J?" she breathed, licking up his cheek.
He chuckled, pressing her down in the backseat. "I think I can, pumpkin pie," he whispered. "I think I can."