Chapter 9

I was in my car when I'd written Bella's lullaby. The biology class I shared with Bella was blood typing today, so I'd skipped. I sat with my eyes closed surrounded by the dim light of the cloudy day, rain tapping against my windshield. The notes came very naturally through my head, it was as if they were drawing a picture of her face. The music was, in it's very essence, her.

"Is she going to pass out? What to I do?" Mike Newton thought a few yards away. His thoughts were full of distress and I turned to look at him. He was supporting Bella as they stumbled from the building. She looked white and chalky, like a corpse.

I almost took the door off the car.

I was running towards them, fighting very hard to maintain an acceptable human pace.

"Bella?" I cried.

Mike Newton's face shot up at me. "What's he doing here?" He thought.

I didn't look at him as I approached, my eyes were glued on Bella. My shout had done nothing to change her appearance. I scanned Mike's thoughts some more but all he was thinking about was his anger towards me for interrupting what he hoped was his heroic moment with Bella. What was wrong with her? If Newton had harmed her in anyway, I would destroy him. There wouldn't be enough of him left for even dental records to identify.

I turned my eyes to him sharply, all friendliness disappeared from my voice. "What's wrong with her- is she hurt?"I demanded. I wished I hadn't shouted before. I was still twenty feet away and it was becoming harder and harder not to run, really run, to her side. Suddenly, I heard the dull thud of her heartbeat. I noticed her chest rising and falling with her breathing. I relaxed a little.

Mike's thoughts finally turned back to what had happened. I saw Bella, positively green, with her head against our table. White cards on each tables with little red drops. Bella didn't like blood. I held my breath. If her scent was so powerful to me, then her actual flowing blood would be too much to ask of my self control .

"I think she's fainted." Mike said, his voice very cool. "I don't know what happened, she didn't even stick her finger."

I relaxed, inhaling again. Mike's blood was the only thing I tasted on the air and I found it rather unappealing. I knelt at Bella's side and Mike moved closer, his thoughts furious. He was trying to find a way to position himself so that he was closer to Bella than I was.

"Bella? Can you hear me?"

"No." She moaned. "Go away."

I laughed. She was fine, embarrassed at her weakness probably.

"I" He emphasized, "was taking her to the nurse. But she wouldn't go any further."

"I'll take her. You can go back to class." It was a dismissal.

His teeth snapped together. "No. I'm supposed to do it."

I ignored him, my mind was suddenly concentrating on the constant battle between my need for distance and my need to be close to Bella. I was both elated and terrified as I placed my arms under her and lifted her from the ground. The first time I touched her. I walked very steadily towards the nurse's office, careful to avoid touching her skin.

Her eyes opened.

"Put me down." She ordered. Her voice was weak and embarrassed. I added independent to my list of personality traits.

I smiled and looked down at her, ignoring Mike's protests coming from behind us. I didn't mind the slow human pace now, it elongated my time with her in my arms.

"You look awful." I said.

"Put me back on the sidewalk." She groaned.

I ignored her. "So you faint at the sight of blood?" Ha! How ironic."And not even your own blood."

Her eyes closed tightly, her lips still very white.

I pushed her through the door of the office, careful to maneuver her so that no part of her touched the wooden door or frame. Ms. Cope gasped at the sight of her in my arms.

"She fainted in biology." I explained.

I followed the secretary through the open door to the nurses office and set Bella on the hard, generic hospital bed and then immediately moved across the room away from her scent. The venom was flowing in my mouth.

"She's just a little faint." I told Mrs. Hammond. "They're blood typing in Biology."

"There's always one." She sighed. "Just lie down for a minute honey. It'll pass."

I was driving north now. I tried to tell myself that it was to keep Alice guessing, that she could never foresee me driving north because I'd made the conscious decision to stay as far away from the pacific northwest as possible, but it was a lie. I was driving towards Bella.

I found myself in Oregon again. It was the end of February now. The air still had the bite of winter but I could taste the coming heat of spring. Everything was lighter in winter. Cooler air held less humidity and thus fewer pollutants. Spring was muggy and Summer was hazy. In winter, the air tasted crisp, fresh. The way snow smelled. I had nothing to compare it to, it tasted as a glass of ice cold water looked when the condensation had formed on the outside of the glass. In the heat of May and June and July, you could taste the sun.

I walked through the streets Salem, careful not to take interest in any of the locality. I had learned in San Fransisco that it was better to remain distant from each place I used as a distraction from my pain. My thoughts couldn't be trusted and therefore I must always be occupied. Each time I grew accustomed to a new place, I'd move on., never giving my mind a moment to retreat back into familiarity.

I avoided my daydreams more now too. Ever since the haunting vision I'd had in front of the piano, my dreams often became disturbed as well. As long as I was careful about the amount of time between each vision, they would be pleasant. If I got greedy, cheated and went into my alternate reality even one hour early, I would see Bella's pale hard body. I would hear the deafening silence of her cold, dead heart.

The scarcity of my dreams made me yearn for her all that much more. I was embroiled in a battle against myself over seeing her again. I'd tell myself I'd go into town in the dead of night and look through her window. When I saw she was asleep, I'd crawl in, like I used to before she knew of my love for her, and watch her. I'd breathe in her scent and re memorize the pattern of her chest falling and rising again with each breath she took. It seemed like a good idea, except I knew what I'd do next. I'd reach out, unable to control my need to feel her warm skin. When she felt my cold touch she would either cringe away and destroy me again, or she'd wake. If she woke, I'd be unable to justify absence from her anymore and I'd stay.

When I'd talked myself out of going to her room, I'd tried telling myself I'd hover in the trees around Forks High School, around the Newton's store. I'd watch her in the thoughts of those around her, enjoying her company though others. Pretend that when she was smiling at them, she was smiling at me. That would never work. Jealousy would win out win I saw Mike being allowed to touch her. To spend his life with her. And I would come back. I had to stay away from Forks.

I'd stopped wondering if she was happy. I knew the human mind. I'd left her five months ago, she would be healed by now. However, I couldn't stop myself from wondering how she spent her time now that it wasn't monopolized by my family and I. I hoped she spent most of her free time with Angela, who was kind and always treated Bella as a friend should. I hoped she and Charlie had grown closer in my absence. I hoped she visited Renee and applied for college and was truly happy. But underneath it all, I hoped that, on an subconscious level, she missed me. That she loved me still.

The first week I'd arrived in Salem, I went hunting. I hadn't gone hunting the entire time I was in San Fransisco and my eyes were burned black. Dark purple circles formed underneath them. I went into the forest and settled for the herbivores, deer and elk. I didn't have the energy or the desire to find a lion or a bear. The whole time I was gone, I just wanted to be back in my car. I may not have been able to dream of Bella, but I could at least enjoy the scent the was now so buried in the fibers of my Volvo that I often didn't need her pillowcase.

After I'd had my fill, I moved into a soft, green clearing. It had begun to rain. I laid down in the spongy, wet grass and looked at the dark, menacing clouds. There is a certain beauty to a storm. The way the clouds roll over each other as if they were waves in a sea of gray. The way the wind causes the trees to dance. I closed my eyes and imagined that the wet green grass below me was the meadow. Our meadow.

Bella would be lying next to me and we'd be deep in conversation. She'd tell me about her worries and I'd comfort her. She'd tell me about the things she was looking forward to and I would show excitement with her.

It's really very difficult to lose your soul mate. I'd been split in two and nothing could repair the damage.

I stopped focusing on the conversation we'd share and pictured her, lying next to me. She would wear blue, my favorite color on her. The blouse that fell perfectly across her white collar bones. Her hair would be down and waved around her face. And her eyes, they would smolder with the love that burned in them last summer. The love that was only a pale reflection of mine. Her face would be slightly damp in the misty rain typical of Forks. I would bring my hand up to wipe the moisture away and her warm skin would feel hot against my cold, hard palm.

"Thanks. It's worth-"

No. I couldn't allow myself to sink into a dream now. I had to wait at least 16 more hours. I stood up from the moist earth, feeling my clothing cling to my back. I ran back to town and slid into my car, taking a CD from the glove compartment and sliding it into the stereo.

The soft, comfortable melody of Debussy filled my head and I leaned back, counting the seconds pass in my mind.

13 hours. The CD had played 5 times and was about to start over again. I reached down and took it from the player. I was about to make a new choice but decided against it. When the jeweled CD case was back in it's place I took my phone and dialed home.

"Edward!" Alice greeted me on the first ring.

"Hello, Alice." I said.

"What's wrong?" She asked suddenly worried.

"I'm..." I paused. My tone became incredulous. "I'm lonely."

"Well come home!" she said brightly. "Esme would love to have you back. I can't tell you how much she misses you."

"It would just hurt her more when I left again." I said.

"You don't have to leave, Edward."

"But I would."

There was silence on the other end of the line. I knew there were hundreds of questions she was dying to ask me but she was afraid if she pried to far, I'd hang up the phone and be gone again. I thought about her, sitting on the other end of the phone, trying to think of something to say to keep the conversation light. I missed her. So much more than I'd allowed myself to realize until this moment.

"Alice." I said without thinking. "Will you come and visit me for a while."

"Absolutely!" She squealed with delight. "I'll be on the next flight. Just tell me where to go!"

"Portland. Just let me know when you'll get here."

"Portland, huh? I thought you were driving south..." she teased.

"Alice, please."

"Okay, okay. Give me a minute." There was silence for a heartbeat and then she was chiming into the phone again. "I'll be in Portland in six and a half hours. See you soon."

Dial tone.

I closed my phone and set it on the leather next to me. It was a short drive to Portland from here. I wished I didn't have so much time to kill. I turned the key in the ignition and began to drive south. I'd take the long way around.

I still arrived at the Portland airport an hour early. Not wanting to wait in the car, I walked inside and stood at security. The clock moved very slowly. Passengers from Utah and Idaho and Colorado came through the gate but the connecting flight from Chicago still showed, On Time.

I grew restless. I still had half an hour and the guards at the security gate were watching me a little too closely. I decided to walk through the gift shop. It was very generic, post cards, chewing gum, bottled water, tabloids. I grabbed a bouquet of yellow roses and walked back to the gate.

The Chicago flight was at the top of the board and now read Arrived. Another ten minutes passed and then I saw her spiky black hair bobbing through the terminal. She ran past the gate and hit me hard, wrapping her arms around me and shoving her body against mine.

"Edward! Oh it's so good to see you!" She pulled away.

"Hi, Alice. Oh, uh... these are for you." I handed her the roses.

"They're beautiful. You didn't have to do that." She said taking them.

We walked out to the Volvo and I held her door open. When I slipped in my side, her nose was turned up and she was looking around the car.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's... Bella." She said.

"Oh." I said, looking down at the steering wheel. She reached her hand into the back seat and fished the pillow case out from under the back seat. She pressed it to her face, inhaling the fragrance. When she pulled her hands away, she was smiling. The smile was very short. She looked down at the pillowcase, staring at it fondly, but then turned her golden eyes to me.

"You shouldn't have this." She said.

"You don't understand.."

"I understand, Edward. But you're not living. Spending all your time locked in your fantasies will not bring Bella back into your life."

"Alice..." My voice broke to a whisper. "I need it." I was pleading, begging for her to understand.

She looked back at the pillowcase. "Just don't.. go overboard."

"I'm in control." I said.

"I really hope so, Edward."

I looked out the window. Alice had just barely gotten here and already I was ashamed of my behavior.

"So what... do you want to do?" I asked.

"Well, lets go drop my bag off at your hotel room and we'll go explore Portland!" The end of her sentence was exited.

"I don't have a hotel room."

"What do you mean? I thought you said you were staying here for a few days?"

"I don't ever get rooms. I just, sit in my car."

"Well, that's not happening now. When we relax tonight, I expect a couch. Take me to The Nines hotel."

I drove through downtown Portland and arrived pulled up in front of The Nines. A valet came and asked for my keys. I handed them to him through the window and pulled Alice's bag and Bella's pillowcase from the back seat.

Alice led me into the lobby but she turned to me before we got to the front desk.

"I don't want to offend you or anything but, you're a mess. I'd like this to be easy and they don't just give suites away to anybody. Wait by the fireplace okay?"

I turned and walked away from the counter. The lounge was very well decorated, golden tan furniture, glass tables with matching golden lamps. A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling and there was a large elaborate fireplace in the corner.

I saw my reflection in the mirror that hung over a table that held informational pamphlets about Portland. My clothes were dirty and very wrinkled from being soaked and air dried and the soaked again. My hair stuck out at weird angles from my frustrated hands being run through it too often. Though my eyes were now a golden brown, the deep purple circles had not vanished and they stood out shockingly against my white skin. Their was nothing behind my eyes. It was like staring into the face of a corpse.

"All set." Alice sang as she danced into the lounge. I picked up her bag, draping the pillowcase over the handle and followed her and the bell hop to the elevator. We went to the top floor and stopped in front of tall, white double doors. The man in the uniform opened the doors wide, smiled and told us to enjoy the our stay.

Alice pranced into the room, smiling very widely. "Yes." She said. "This will do nicely." She slipped the bell hop a twenty dollar bill and closed the door behind him.

"Well first thing's first." she said, turning stern eyes on me. "We NEED to get you out of those clothes."

"Alice, I don't have anything else."

She ignored me, she was digging in her suitcase. She pulled out a fresh pair of jeans, a long sleeved white turtle neck and my tan leather jacket.

"Precognition." She said, tapping her temple.

I smiled at her and took the clothes, changing in the large bedroom. Next she ushered me into the bathroom and ran a wet comb through my hair and some styling product. When she was finished, I examined my reflection. I almost looked back to normal. Everything was perfect, except for the eyes and unless Alice had Bella tucked away in her suitcase there wasn't anything she had packed to fix them.

She took me by the hand and led me through the streets of Portland. She bought several things for her and Jasper, a brooch for Esme and a fountain pen for Carlisle. We left several boutiques and department stores with bags dangling from each arm. I acquired several new outfits and I almost laughed when I thought about how long Alice had probably been waiting to get her hands on me. She made me promise that I wouldn't let my appearance drop so rapidly once she left.

"When are you leaving?" I asked.

"Tomorrow morning."

This dumbfounded me. "Why do soon?"

"Jasper's having more problems then he anticipated at Dartmouth." She said, thoughtfully. "It seems he's still beating himself up over the Bella incident last fall and he's afraid to go to classes. Emmett had to switch into all of his psychology courses just to get him to go to school."

"Oh." There was nothing else to say. Alice's face didn't falter from her smile.

"But lets not waste time over how short a visit this is going to be. Spring break is next month! I'll come visit again and maybe I'll bring Jasper. Or better yet, you could just COME HOME." She over emphasized the last words.

"I told you, going back wouldn't be good for me. Wouldn't be good for you or Esme or Carlisle or Jasper or Emmett. I'd leave again and it'd hurt them."

"You forgot Rosalie." Alice pointed out.

"No I didn't. I only mentioned those who wanted me back, who missed me and who it would hurt for me to leave a second time."

"And you're still forgetting Rosalie." She said again.

"What do you mean.?"

"This has been hard on the whole family, Edward. Rosalie may not be the best at showing it all the time." She looked at my face. "Okay, ever... but she does love you. And she misses you. There's a notable difference in her now. Seeing Esme hurt is hurting her too. It's hurting all of us."

"Rosalie misses me." I said, a smile coming to my face. If only my story could have a happy ending, I'd never let her forget this.

"Okay, okay, laugh all you want. But look inside yourself, Edward. You miss her too."

I did, I suppose. Not in the same way I missed my other family members but it was true, though I hated to admit it.

When we arrived back at the hotel that night, Alice changed into more comfortable clothing and curled on the couch with a soft blanket. I sat across from her and she told me about my family.

"Well, Jasper and Emmett are starting a psychology degree, but I already told you that and Rosalie has started Political Science. I think she's thinking about getting a law degree which couldn't hurt. We have two doctors in the family, we might as well have a lawyer."

"I'm not a doctor." I said.

"Oh contraire." She said. "I believe you do have a PhD in medicine do you not?"

"Alice, we both know there's more to being a doctor than a degree."

"Well you're no Carlisle, but you'd still make a good doctor. Hey! Why don't you come home and work at the hospital with Carlisle?"

"I like it here." I said.

"No you don't. You're watching her, aren't you? Not literally, but the reason you stay on the west coast, that you keep driving north is that you're waiting for something to happen you have to save her from?"

She was right but I didn't tell her that.

"I like the rain." I replied.

The rest of the night was lighter. Alice avoided subjects that made pain show in my eyes so we spent most of our time talking about her and plans she had made for our family. It didn't upset me the way I thought it would, knowing my family was planning a future with out me. I supposed I'd given up on that future months ago.

The next morning, we checked out of our hotel and I drove her to the airport. We walked together until we reached the point where I couldn't follow her and she turned to me, wrapping me in a hug.

"Just because you're not coming now, doesn't mean you don't have reason to not come home soon. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to come home, no one will hold it against you." She whispered in my ear.

"You'll come back at the end of March?" I asked.

"Of course." She said, a sad smile crossing her face. She kissed me on the cheek and walked through security, disappearing from view.

I turned and walked out to my car. It was drizzling, the sky sending of a pale gray light. I felt the weight of my misery again. I didn't want to be alone anymore. Or maybe that wasn't the problem so much as I wanted to have a purpose. A real distraction that would keep the fog away for good. But I couldn't think of anything I could do. I drove into town and parked in a parking lot placing Bella's pillowcase over my face and waited for the oncoming fantasy.

When I awoke it was dark outside. I looked at the sign of the building and saw it was some kind of bar and pool hall. I get out of my car and walked inside. The bartender asked what I wanted to drink but I refused him.

"Buddy, this ain't some kinda joint you can come into and just take a load off. Customers only."

I sighed and asked him to bring me his most expensive bottle of liquor, hopefully that would keep him away from me for the rest of the night.

I stared into the crowd of people that ushered in and out of the entrances Their thoughts all centered around the same general concepts. Alcohol and Sex.

I had been sitting for an hour when two men came and sat at the bar next to me, just off a long day of work.

"I'm telling you." One of them said. "They say the wolves there are as big as horses. It's got the loggers all scared to go into the woods."

"As big as horses? Come on Tom- you can't expect me to believe that?"

"It's true. They keep finding all these weirdly mangled bodies up there and the bodies are surrounded by these giant wolf prints. The police chief up there, oh what's his name, Swan? Yeah, Swan, he's getting all kinds of heat from the Clallam County officials because his team keeps coming up empty handed. They've got people looking all over that country, even down on the Indian reservation."

Police Chief Swan? They were talking about Forks. I thought back to the last trip Alice and I had taken to Forks, the headline in the paper. The wolf from the story may have been killed, but it wasn't alone. And now they were finding bodies. I threw a few hundred dollar bills on the counter and asked the bartender to keep the glasses in front of the men next to me full for the rest of the night then grabbed my jacket and bolted out the door.

I was in my Volvo in the next second, screeching my tires and pulling from the parking lot coaxing as much speed from my engine as possible down the highway towards Washington.

Alice had been right. I had been watching out for Bella, and now that she was in danger, I'd found my purpose, I'd found my distraction.

***Tell me which chapter is your favorite so far in your reviews! I'm getting close to his time with Victoria : )