It's a year since Karkat temporarily moved in and then permanently moved out. You turn up with a bouquet of roses the next day. It's cliche and boring, but it's also straightforward and honest, the two character traits that you want John to understand that you have and that you are completely serious about this. The building that you're waiting in front of is huge and has security guards standing in front of it, but they ignore you sitting in your car, parked in front of the building.
This is it, there's no turning back. You're pretty sure John might like you back, or he would at least try to seriously think about going out with you again. If worse comes to worse, you have that box of chocolates next to you that you can whip out and seal the deal. Calm down, Dave. Calm the fuck down. Think about happy endings and shit. Those really shitty happy endings that are completely boring and tasteless. You'll ask Egbert out, he'd say yes, the two of you continue on with your current lives. Just you and John, chilling in the house with boxers, his friend Karkat occasionally coming over, skyping Jade while she's in the middle of a jungle adventure, reading outloud Rose's shitty fanfiction, and just hanging out like bros. Bros who are also hos to each other.
He'd probably want to get married (oh fuck marriage what do you do what do you do what do you do) and have a white house in the suburbs with a kid and two dogs. And you'd probably ruin it all because you don't fit the image of the life he wants, shit. What if you get the both of you in trouble with CPS because Casey complained, or what if you accidentally fed the dogs chocolate and killed them and John won't believe it's an accident because you do hate dogs? What if John cheats on you, or you cheat on him, and then everything will fall apart and what the fuck will happen to Casey and Salamander Jones and Viceroy Poodle? This is ridiculous, this is entirely stupid, but you think you just planned out your entire life with John Egbert. And it's kind of freaking you out.
Out of the corner of your eye, you see a distinctive blue suit and yellow tie combo walk out of the building, and you honk to let John know that you're here. Deep breaths, Dave. You grip the bouquet tightly in your hand. John walks down to your car and opens the door, sighing in contentment as the cold air washes over him again, after that brief stint in the sweaty sun.
"Hey there, big boy."
"Hi John," you swallow, unwilling to speak further.
He notices the bouquet, and grins. "So, who's the lucky person the flower's for, huh? Can it be for someone who just successfully completed an exec meeting and is totally going to bring out a new product soon? Confidential, don't tell anyone," he adds, but you've never told before and you aren't going to start now. You've spilled so much confidential screen secrets into his ears over the year that it was basically useless to keep those kinds of secrets between the two of you. And if you're going to be married, or just live with each other for a long time, then it'd be- you swallow again. Commitment shit. You can do this, you're going to do this.
"Actually," you say, averting your eyes away from him. You put the bouquet down, in between the two of you. "They're for a date I'll be picking up later, after I drive you home."
"Oh."
Just an "oh." Nothing else, John stays quiet for the rest of the ride, fiddling around with his phone, looking out the window, anywhere but you. You think that you hurt him once again, and the thought kills you inside.
When you reach your place, John doesn't take his seat belt off or give any indication that he's about to leave his seat. He just takes a deep breath and puts a hand on the bouquet.
"You know, I think I should move out soon. My house is already repaired, they made it even better, too."
"Yeah, you do that. I'll call the moving company."
"I'll need to get new furniture."
"We can take a trip to Ikea this weekend."
He thumped the window with a fist, breaking the flow of conversation.
"I can't believe I was right about you all along," he said bitterly. "Go enjoy your fake date, and don't bother about that Ikea trip, I'll just go with Karkat."
Your grip on the steering wheel turns white. Before John manages to close the door you grab the bouquet and throw it at him.
"Karkat this, Karkat that, you think I don't know what you're trying to do?" You yell at him. He looks so furious that he throws the flowers back at you.
"What the fuck am I supposed to be doing, Dave? I've just had enough of waiting around for you to take the hint because you're such a fucking pussy you can't handle it when someone comes to you outright!"
"So you use this guy to make me jealous? Is that it, is that the justification? Making Dave Strider see so much fucking green over a snot nosed brat who can't keep his hands off you?" You're angry now, who does he think he is? Rose? Does he think he's the victim, waiting for you to take the hint? This isn't some fucking drama, fuck you John! You get out of your seat, taking the roses with you, only to hurl them at him again. "Fuck you!"
"No, fuck you! You made me think that I had a fucking chance, you fucking douchebag! But you're just a selfish little asshole!" John crushes the stem of the bouquet in his hands before slamming them down on the ground. His hand bleeds from the thorns of the roses. "It's fifteen year old us all over again! You didn't change one single bit! You're a fucking coward, and I-I-" His face contorts, until it sets firmly into grim determination, one that you've only ever seen on Jade. He quickly walks around the car to where you stand, grabs you by the shoulder, and pulls you close.
"Dave fucking Strider I'm asking you if you're going to fucking date the fuck out of me I swear I am tired to all heavens with this dancing around each other bullshit."
"What the hell are you talking about, John?" You can't help it, the words slip out of you mouth as you see John slip out of your life, but you continue to try and salvage the situation, somehow. Your brain just isn't working in sync with your mouth, is all. You're just a bit hyped up from being angry, is all. You don't actually mean that question, you really don't.
"That's it, I'm done." He releases you and turns to go, but you grab his arm and say the only thing that comes to your mind.
"I have chocolate."
"What?" He's skeptical and confused, but you just continue to ramble on.
"You're right about me being a coward, but a fucking word to me saying that you also felt the same way would've been nice, too. Because I have chocolate, for you. It's the expensive kind, one where I told them in words how many pieces I wanted and how I wanted them, and I guess we should've had this talk way earlier instead of letting it pent up and exploding in our face."
"Basically," you continue, rambling, "I'm sorry for leading you on, although technically I didn't lead you on since I-" at this point you stop, because you looked up at John and he's making a weird expression.
"Hello? Earth to John?"
"Shut up, Dave, I'm just being kind of embarrassed now." He face turned red, "I can't believe I yelled out all that holy shit."
The two of you stood in an awkward silence, before you take his injured hand and start to lead him inside.
"Come on, let's get this wrapped up. Can't have Casey seeing any ugly scars."
"Huh? Who's Casey?"
Author's End Notes:
The End!
They go on a trip to Ikea anyway and Dave calls the moving company because they decided to move into John's house since it's more spacious. The two of them don't buy any dogs because Dave hates them, but one day a puppy decide to follow Casey home and Papa Dave couldn't handle the pleading eyes of both his daughter and his husband. They name the puppy Spot.
The tabloids explode when Dave comes out with John. There were already rumors that Strider had a new fling, but they didn't expect that the new fling was the vice president of Skaialabs and they really didn't expect that they were childhood friends. There was a really good paparazzi who managed to uncover the relationships between the Beta kids, and she went on to actual journalism issues but Dave always held a grudge against Vriska fucking Serket over this.
Right after the end scene, Dave still have issues with the idea of commitment, but John pointed out that they were basically already living the married life, and that if Dave was afraid of drowning, too bad because he's turning into a mermaid. Merman, whatever. And once John had an adulterous affair, well it was before the wedding so technically it wasn't adultery, so Dave huffed and decided to have an affair of his own (again, not married so it wasn't an affair but they be dramatic nerds) but online and anonymously. He ends up having an affair with John's affair's husband and it was embarrassing for everyone involved. They worked it out, then saw Casey in an orphanage, decided that This Is The ONE and quickly got married in order to adopt her.