Chapter 10

Apov

We take a seat on his leather couch in his office and he is clinging on to my hands like I'm his lifeline. He's seems to be extremely scared, nervous or just plain petrified. I do the only thing I can think of is to get him out of his daze he seems to be in. I lean up and kiss him on his lips he flickers his eyes to mine and he inhales.

"Sorry baby I'm just trying to think how to tell you all of this. First thing is Taylor is following up on some people from your story. For security purposes we should have our answers by the time we are done."

He shifts so we are facing each other on the couch and he won't release my hands.

"Ana what did you want to tell me in person about Jose Lilly's father?"

"Well he revealed to me on his death bed that he was only with Susannah because she looked like me. As I've said I've never put myself out there to be in a relationship with anyone. Jose wanted one and I didn't so we were friends, or so I thought. He revealed to me that he told Susannah all of this as soon as Lilly was born and that is when she snapped. He went off on his own because he felt guilty how everything turned out with me, with Lilly and with Susannah. He blamed himself and he should of. I screamed at him because of his actions Lilly wouldn't have had all this to happen to her. He said he messed with Susannah's birth control so she would get pregnant. He wanted a reminder of me since he could never have me."

I hesitate before I tell him the rest.

"He never loved Susannah or Lilly when Susannah left him he left me with Lilly and would only see her on special occasions. So she became my daughter, I never knew Jose's mind wasn't right until after all their deaths and I was cleaning Jose and his father's house out to sell it. I found pictures of me hidden and I was struggling with my true feelings. He was stalking me and I never knew it. He completely betrayed Lilly and I and I just couldn't believe that my senses my father taught me hadn't worked. I never saw him for the true person he was. That's why I only wanted to tell you, I'm embarrassed because he had this infatuation with me and I feel disgusting every time I think about it. I feel dirty and violated I almost feel like I was abused all over again. That's why I am such a stickler on security now. I vowed right then and there that no one would ever hurt or betray Lilly and I. This is also why I won't accept anything but honesty from you."

During all this he released my hands and he has been pulling and rubbing his hands through his hair.

"Ana I will never lie to you and I will always tell you everything that I can. But please just remember with what I'm about to tell you is all in my past. You and Lilly changed me when you two came into my life only last night."

"Christian you changed our life's also and now that we will be living together it will only make all of our lives complete." How did we get so lucky for this gorgeous man sitting in front of me?

"Ana my birth mom was a crack whore who had this pimp who severely abused me. My mom was so high that she never once tried to stop his abuse. I have the same scars on my chest and my back. I was his ashtray and he would make me watch my mom perform sexual acts and if I whimpered or started crying I was burnt or he began to beat on me. One night my mom wouldn't wake up and he came to visit her but he screamed at me that I killed her. He kicked me and spit on me and left. I was alone with her dead body for four days before the police came. Grace was the doctor that treated me in the hospital and then about 2 months later I was adopted."

I just burst into sobs he knows exactly what Lilly and I went and are going through this is fate after all. I am with my soul mate I know I am in this moment and I will not waste another minute of my life in my self-pity. I love this man and I will show it, even if that means facing the media and whatever we need to do to make ourselves stronger as a family.

I feel hands pulling at mine and look up at him and he has tears streaming down his face also.

"Ana please don't cry for me I honestly feel after last night you two have made me whole. You two are it for me. I can't have anyone touch my back or chest just like you two till last night. Yours and Lilly's touch don't burn and you two coming into my life couldn't have healed me in any other way that I could think of. You two complete me."

"You complete us too Christian and you are healing Lilly and I in the process."

"When I was adopted by Grace and Carrick I was a troubled boy and teenager. With my touch issues I would lash out into fights at school and my parents were at their wits end with me. One day I was sent over to their friends Elena Lincoln's house to clean the backyard as a punishment. I was fifteen at the time and I thought I wanted it until about three weeks ago I never knew it was wrong please believe me I swear I'm not that man anymore."

He has tears again and I kneel in front of him and clasp his hands with mine. I kiss his knuckles as I reach up and wipe his tears away.

"Christian it's ok you can tell me I will listen and not judge you no matter what ok."

He nods his head as he continues looking me in the eye.

"Ana she introduced me to BDSM, I was hesitant at first but it helped ground me with my fighting and drinking. That all stopped because I knew it would get back to her and I would be punished. I was always so horny and I wanted the sex more than anything so I made sure I wouldn't get into trouble. That relationship lasted until I was 21 and dropped out of Harvard to pursue my business. I wanted to be in control of my life and no one else. So she showed me how to become a dominant. She was my first sub then she would scout my reminder subs and they would be on contract with me here. They would only be here on weekends and I have or had a playroom here where we would perform our acts."

I'm speechless oh my god I never would have thought he was into this shit. If he is still into this, I cannot be in a relationship with him. No matter how much I love him this is what caused all of my abuse when I was between the ages of ten and twelve. Lilly that poor girl's mom is what brought all this into her life. No I will not do this with him.

"Ana I can see your wheels turning I am not into this anymore. About a month ago one of me ex subs tried to kill herself in front of me and it made me realize something was wrong with this lifestyle. It was only bringing pain whereas it's supposed to be more about pleasing your mate with some pain aspects in it. I gave it all up after my therapist showed me the truth after the incident here where my ex sub tried to slit her wrists open. She told me Elena put her up to it so I had my security open an investigation and what they found sealed my closing for me on this lifestyle. She was arrested for embezzlement with the company I was a silent partner for her. She loaned me the money to start my business. When my business was up and running I returned the favor and paid her back with interest. I became a silent partner in her salons and it was flourishing. When they found the embezzlement evidence it was sent to the police and they had a warrant and searched her home. They found child pornography of 50 young boys and had proof of ten counts of child molestation. Thankfully my team was able tin intercept any pictures she had of me. It would have ruined me personally and publicly. To this day my family knows nothing about my past. I would like to keep it that way, it would devastate my parents."

I feel bile rising in my throat and I can't look at him I need to hear the rest of this.

"Ana she is in prison for the rest of her life she isn't getting out. Seeing her charged with child molestation made me realize I was a victim. My therapist also said that she was my pimp and she was still controlling me by choosing my subs for me. I thought I had control of my life and in reality I didn't she did. I realized that what I was doing and did in my past wasn't fully filling me so I gave it up I haven't looked back since then. There are workers upstairs right now demolishing the playroom. That past life only brought darkness and I want to live in the light. Last night you two showed me the light and I'm staying."

"Christian this is only your first relationship after you gave it up. How do you know we are what you want you've never even dated? How will we be enough for you?"

"Ana I know you and Lilly are what I need I can't explain it but when I looked into your eyes last night on that road I knew you were it for me. I've never had this instant attraction or desire with anyone ever only you. I could literally feel my cold heart warming in your presence and it hasn't stopped. Ana I know we've only known each other a day but I know you are it for me. You and Lilly will only be all that I need or want."

"Christian did all these subs look alike or were they just any willing participant? From what I know and have read a dominant like specific tastes."

He pales instantly and his breathing picks up he looks for my hands and squeezes them as he pulls me to his lap.

"Ana you're right all my submissive's looked like my birth mom. Small, petite, pale skin, and long brown hair. I used them to my pleasure to punish my mom for my past. I felt it was her fault that I'm so fucked up. So I enjoyed punishing them for her life. I regret it all my therapist help me realize that none of this is or was my fault. I was abused as a child and molested as a teen. I'm still working through all these feelings and emotions." He looks into my eyes as he brings his arms around my waist and pulls me so our foreheads are touching so we can look each other in the eyes.

"Ana I know you think you have the same looks as I described. I haven't thought of you in that way ever. You are different than any sub or my mother. What we have is real you are my more and I hope that I am that with you. I swear on my life that it's all in my past I'm not that man anymore."

"Christian you are my more I know you are; I have never felt these feelings before. I believe you in the fact you are done with that lifestyle you are not controlling or domineering an any way. I believe you when you say you were molested as you shouldn't have been introduced to it as such an age. So we will experience all the new feelings together. We will be each other's first when we are both ready. You are starting over, and I'm new with anything related to sex so I'm not going to lie to you I'm nervous as hell, but I'm willing to try as long as you are.

"Yes baby we will be each other's first I've only known the hard stuff but with you I know I will enjoy vanilla with you even better."

"Vanilla what's that?"

He just smirks at me "Its regular sex but with no toys or as people call it making love."

I can feel my face heat. "Yes well once we get used to vanilla a little spice may not hurt, like I said we will come up with our own plan."

"Oh baby I can't wait but yes a little kinky fuckery will just be the cherry on our sundae of love."

"Yes ok when we are ready I will experiment only slowly though. As long as I'm not restrained after being tied down and tortured I can't have anything holding me down like that."

"Never baby I promise you will get your hearts and flowers and all the time we need." He stares into my eyes as he responds to me.

"Christian like I said I believe you and I know you're a changed man and it is all in your past. I'm not leaving you so you can stop worrying."

I literally see him sag in relief and he just hugs on to me whispering in my ears for me to never leave him. We are interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Come in Taylor." Christian states

Taylor walks in and he has several Manila envelopes in his hand and takes a set across from us.

"What do we have Taylor lay it out." Christian tells him and I feel instantly nervous.

"Ok first thing first is Miss Steels mom was killed in drunk driving accident two years ago where she was the driver and was killed instantly. I'm sorry mam would you like for me to continue?

I feel Christian rubbing my back but honestly I'm not surprised as she let number three do this to me, who knew how she lived her life.

"Yes Taylor I'm fine please continue."

"Right well number three as you call him has never been seen since the day after your twelfth birthday. No sign of him whatsoever it's like he's disappeared, but like you said Ray took care of that so we have no reason to be concerned." He states as he smirks at me.

"Yes Taylor my dad took care of him so no need to look for him." I state as I hear Christian mumble thank god or I'd kill him myself.

"One concern is Lilly's report. There are no leads on who this man is. Barney is currently going through video surveillance that was across the street at the time. It will take some time but that's all we got."

"That's great news and what about Susannah Taylor any concerns on the timeline?" Christian asks as I'm clueless and then it hits me as she looked like me and he liked that appearance in a woman. Was Susannah a sub of his? Is he Lilly's father?

I jump off his lap and glare at him. Why didn't he tell me?

"Ana I was getting ready to tell you about Susannah before Taylor came in I promise." I nod my head and he comes up to me pulling me to him holding me.

"Mr. Grey the timeline is off you released Susannah from her contract two months before she started seeing Jose. Then she became pregnant two months later. I checked her medical reports. There is no way you are her father." Taylor states.

"Ok if that's all keep us informed with the video surveillance on Lilly's report." Christian tells him as Taylor leaves the room. Christian pulls my face up and kisses me with all he has.

"Baby yes Susannah was one of my subs but she wanted more and I didn't so I released her of the contract. I've always been safe with all of them sexually. They had to be on the shot and get monthly check ups with their doctor. This has never happened but I had to know just to be sure. Are you mad?"

"No Christian I'm not mad like you said it's your past. Let's leave it there and look forward towards our future. You, Lilly, and me is our future. And when we are ready I'm on the shot for medical reasons."

Our lips meet and I can't believe that he has changed our life's for the better. If this kiss is anything to show how he feels, then we are both in love. I hear crying and reluctantly pull away.

"Christian do you want to get her while I start dinner. You don't mind since you said Gail is off on weekends."

"No I don't mind I'll go get our daughter while you start dinner."

We walk out holding hands he runs upstairs as I rummage through the fridge. I'll make macaroni and cheese, beef steak tips and a fresh salad.

He comes down with Lilly and her doll and I kiss each of them he walks her to the living room and he puts on Frozen and I start the meal.

I'm so busy cooking and thinking about the lunch and shopping trip tomorrow with his mom and sister. I look up as I'm plating everything and the two of them are so engrossed to the movie I can't help but giggle as I take a picture with my phone.

"I heard that baby, if that food is delicious as it smells we are in for a delicious dinner." Christian states as he carries Lilly to her high chair and we take our seat across from each other.

"This is delicious baby and macaroni and cheese is one of my favorite meals. As I can its Lilly's as well." We both look over at her and she has cheese all over her mouth and in her hair.

"Yes she loves macaroni and cheese and anything with pasta. Breakfast foods she will eat about anything that I put in front of her. She still is young in trying new foods so I haven't found anything she doesn't like yet."

"Well that's great as you know I have issues with wasted food. It makes me happy that the two of you have such an appetite."

"We do that's for sure but I run for two hours every morning on a treadmill. I'm assuming they have one here?"

"Yes I work out every morning downstairs in the gym while Taylor blocks it off so no one else is in there with me. I don't like women staring at me so I'm in there by 5 and usually out by 7. I have a personal trainer that comes and meets with me."

"That's wonderful, do you mind if I come with you to run, I don't run out in the public either for self asteem issues since people stare at my scars. My exercise clothes show some of them, not all but I don't like to be stared at."

"Ana baby that's fine, will Lilly sleep that long?"

"Yeah she usually wakes up one time during the night but once I settle her down she'll sleep till 7 or 8 in the morning."

"Ok I can ask Gail to listen for her if she wakes sooner?"

"That should be fine but she sleeps on average twelve hours a night give and take."

We finish our dinner making small talk I take the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. I go back to clean Lilly and Christian has already done that.

"Wow thank you for your help let's give her a bath then I usually read her a story before she falls asleep."

"I'll help then we can all go to bed since we have a big day tomorrow. Shopping with my family you will learn will exhaust you. I have some meetings tomorrow at the office but I will meet you after lunch just text me where you are going and I'll meet you there. I want to help pick out everything for our daughter."

"That's fine I'll text you and I am exhausted so yes after story time bedtime for Lilly and me."

He carries her upstairs to Lilly's and mine room for the time being which is across from his room. He gets the bath ready as I pull her pajamas out and her book. By the time I walk in the bathroom Lilly is playing in the tub with Christian admiring her. I sit down next to him as he pulls me to him as he kisses me.

"Thank you Ana for bringing you two in my life. You two are my world now and I couldn't be any happier than I am at this moment."

"You're welcome and I feel the same way. I'm calling the lawyer first thing to add you to the adoption petition."

"Thank you baby." He says as he gives me butterfly kisses.

I reach in and pull her out as I see she is yawning and I bring her to the bed. I dry her off, place a diaper and her pajamas on and the three of us cuddle while Christian reads her favorite story Beauty and the Beast to us. Next thing I know I feel Lilly being lifted and my eyes open in a hurry to see a sight melting my heart. Christian is putting her in her portable crib and he places a kiss to her forehead as I hear him whisper goodnight sweet princess.

He stands and turns and sees me looking at him. He walks over and plants a breathtaking kiss on my lips. "Goodnight my queen." As he stands to walk out I hesitate.

"Christian my king". He stops and turns to me with a breathtaking smile before he replies.

"Yes Baby are you ok do you need anything?"

"Can you sleep with me again I've never slept better than last night when I was in your arms."

"Ana baby nothing would make me happier, let me go get pajamas on and my phone."

He runs out and not two minutes later he is in silk pajama pants that hang off his hips. That v showing to where I want to run my fingers along it. He sees me staring as he smirks.

"Like what you see baby?"

"I love what I see." He smiles as he climbs in and pulls my back to his chest. I saw his scars when he was plugging his phone in. I can't believe we are so alike and I feel that's what makes us perfect. As he's holding me in his arms I feel his hand rubbing circles right under my sleep shorts. I put on a silk tank and short set just for him I need him to be comfortable around me seeing my scars. Wearing this sleep outfit, he will see some of them, not all as I would have to be naked in order for him to see them all. I'm dozing off as I feel him rubbing circles on my wrists right where the scars are.

"Ana can I tell you something?"

"Yes you can tell me anything."

He pulls me to my back and he's leaning over me as he stares in my eyes.

"Ana I love you, I knew I met my soulmate last night. I love you with all my heart."

I'm speechless I've never thought I would hear those words directed to me.

"Christian I love you too so much you did meet your soulmate last night as I know I did. You have my heart."

"Oh baby come here." He swoops down and we kiss with so much passion we are both breathless when we come up for air.

He lays on his back as I lay my head on his chest I'm holding him around his best as he's holding me to him. He kisses the top of my head before we both fall asleep. I'm in the arms of my love and I couldn't be any happier.