Listening for the Waves, chapter 10
Unable to make herself sit still, Saavik rose from Spock's computer and paced out to the kitchen. She hadn't wanted to eat any breakfast this morning, but now her stomach had started rumbling almost continuously. She opened the stasis unit and dug around until she found a fruit salad, and then she picked up a fork and started eating out of the container.
"Hungry?"
She whirled. "Nyota. Hello. There was not much here, so I thought, ah, I thought I'd—"
Nyota grinned and flapped her hand. "That's fine. It'll save us cleaning another bowl."
"Would you like some?"
"No, thanks. I think I'll have some yogurt. Can I get some for you?"
"Zachary will be here any moment. I probably do not have time." Saavik looked down and studied the container as if there were something very interesting in it. She had heard the strained quality in her voice, and no doubt Nyota had heard it, too.
Just as expected, Nyota said, "It's going to be hard to say goodbye to him, isn't it? You two have grown so close."
Saavik nodded without looking up. Nyota was correct. It was going to be very difficult. But she was certain that Nyota did not know why.
Reaching into the stasis unit, Nyota continued. "It was always tough when Spock and I said goodbye to each other, but these things work out."
Even though Saavik appreciated the intent, she could not resist pointing out the inaccuracy of that statement. "They did not work out for you. You and Spock terminated your relationship when you went to the Lexington."
"Yes, well, maybe so. The long distance part wasn't easy, but there were other factors." She pointed at Saavik with a spoon. "You and Zach seem to have an honest, open relationship. If you're just up-front with each other about your feelings, you can make it work."
Saavik ate the last bite of fruit and turned away, ostensibly to put the container in the recycler. Honest and open? Hardly. Nyota could not be more wrong. She could not tell Nyota about her problems, though. Nyota meant well, but she would certainly attempt to talk Saavik out of what she had decided to do. The decision had been hard enough to make as it was. She did not need to try to convince someone else that she was doing the right thing when she was not convinced, herself.
She faced Nyota again and feigned confidence. "Thank you, Nyota. I will keep that in mind."
"Good." Nyota smiled warmly. "Well, you had better go get ready. Like you said, he'll be here any time."
Realizing that a few moments ago Nyota had inadvertently given her an excuse for what she planned to tell Zachary, Saavik nodded and walked away.
...
Zach headed up the walk toward Saavik's door. What a morning. Thank heavens he'd always been able to sleep whenever his head hit the pillow, because his mind was certainly whirling now.
He signaled his presence at the door, and a moment later she answered.
"Hi," he said. "What do you say we go get some lunch, and then maybe—"
"Zachary, we need to talk."
He hesitated. Those were never words you wanted to hear.
"Er, sure. Where do you want to go?"
She glanced around the room as if she hadn't even considered that, so he said, "How about the porch? It's nice and private."
"Very well."
They were silent as they crossed the yard and entered the porch through a door on the side. He sat down, and she moved a chair so that she could sit directly across from him.
When she didn't speak immediately, he prompted, "You had something you wanted to tell me?"
"Yes." She licked her lips. "You are a good person, Zachary. I care for you very much. After a great deal of difficult analysis, however, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot see you anymore."
He fell back against the cushions. He'd figured that maybe she was going to tell him her big secret. Or maybe he'd have to reassure her that Michael wouldn't pressure her anymore and try to patch things up between the two of them. This he hadn't expected.
Pushing both hands through his hair, he stammered, "What?"
"I am sorry, Zachary. I cannot see you anymore."
He stood and walked over to the side of the porch, then faced her with his hands on his hips. "Why, Saavik? We're great together."
"In three point eight hours, I will be on a shuttle headed toward Starbase Eleven. When I arrive at Starbase Eleven, I will board another shuttle which will take me to the Curie. It is a long trip." She stood and lifted her chin defiantly. "It is very difficult to maintain a relationship when the two parties are not in close proximity to one another, so I have decided that we would both be better served if we ended this now."
He turned away. They'd had so much fun, but now she said that it was over. It just didn't make sense. She'd known from the very start that they'd have to deal with distance eventually, and it hadn't stopped her then. Now, though, she said that she couldn't be troubled by a long-distance relationship.
Then again...
Her words had sounded stilted, almost rehearsed. Narrowing his eyes, he replayed them in his head, and he came to a conclusion. She wasn't telling the truth.
Gambling that he was correct, he crossed the space between them and stopped a meter away. "That was a pretty speech, Saavik. You almost had me convinced. Now I want you to tell me what you really think."
She almost maintained her poker face, but he could tell that he had hit home.
"I do not know what you mean," she said.
"You're hiding something from me. Is it because of your past? Is that why we can't stay together?"
She drew her brows together. "What do you know of my past?"
"Something happened before Spock took you in, something so terrible you won't talk about it."
She pressed her lips together, then said, "Michael told you that."
"Yes, he did." He took a step closer. "But he did it because he cares about you. He was concerned, and he blurted it out to me."
"He cares? About me?"
He paused. Michael had said that she had no idea how he felt about her, but this reaction didn't quite fit.
"Why wouldn't he?" he asked.
Amazingly, she actually wrung her hands together. She had never been anything but utterly composed around him before, but she didn't try to hide her distress now.
"He was only trying to help me, and I was very unkind to him. I rushed inside, leaving him standing on the front step, and even though he apologized and asked me to return, I ignored him. He tried to apologize again when I saw him yesterday, and still I could not bring myself to even acknowledge him. Yet despite the way I treated him, he still cares enough to tell you this?"
He could only stand stupidly as her words registered, the anguish in her voice so clear it practically knocked him down. She sounded just like...
Just like Michael had this morning. Zach had never seen his friend so tormented, and suddenly he knew. He knew.
Michael, the quiet one, was always willing to let his attention-loving friend stand in the spotlight. Michael had deferred to Zach more times than Zach could count, and Zach had always been more than happy to oblige, never giving his friend's needs a second thought when his own needs seemed so much more fun. Fun Zach. That's even what the girls had always called him. Fun Zach.
Back in med school, he'd fallen in love with a girl who still crossed his dreams sometimes. He'd asked her to marry him, but one day she had stood before him and given him back his ring, the tears streaming down her cheeks as she told him that the laughter wasn't enough. He had been devastated as he held the ring in his hand and watched her walk away, but he hadn't learned a thing. He had ignored her needs just like he'd ignored Michael's, in his own need to please himself.
And now, here stood Saavik. She was a complicated woman. He thought he might even love her, but did he know her? How could you love someone you didn't know? But Michael knew her. Michael understood her. Zachary knew that he, himself, was a bad one for falling in love much too quickly, almost invariably to learn that he wasn't really so much in love after all, but Michael hardly ever fell for anyone. Michael, cautious in life and cautious in love, had fallen in love with Saavik. And...
She had fallen in love with him. She might not know it yet, but he could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice.
Not stopping to think, he grasped her by the upper arms and looked unwaveringly into her eyes.
"Go to him, Saavik."
"What... what do you mean? To whom should I go?"
"Michael. You still have time. Go to him at the hospital and tell him how you feel about him."
"I did not intend to feel this way," she said mournfully.
"I know."
"I care for you, too, Zachary."
"And I care for you, but it's not the same. You and Michael connect in a way that you and I never will."
She gazed into his eyes, but then shook her head and backed away. "No. I am leaving today. I have hurt you, and I do not wish to hurt you any more. It is best that I simply go and never see either of you again."
"I won't deny that I'm hurt, but it would be agony to think that I'm coming between two good people who so obviously belong together. Please, go to him. It's the best thing for all three of us. Can't you see?"
"No, Zachary."
"Saavik—"
"No! It is all too complicated, and the only way to simplify everything again is for me to leave. That is final." She softened. "Thank you, but goodbye."
He held her eyes, but finally all he could do was nod. "I'll never forget you," he said.
"Nor I, you."
"I think you're making a big mistake."
She shook her head forlornly. "I am not."
He kissed her on the forehead and walked away. He turned when he reached the door to take one last look at her, but she had already gone inside.
...
Holding his tricorder up to the front windows, Spock ensured that all dimensions were correctly notated and saved the data.
"I still do not understand why you do not simply order from here," he said to Nyota. "You can simulate our windows just as easily as they can in the store."
She inspected a small pillow from the sofa, then discarded it in favor of a cushion from the seat. "I know, but I just can't stand to pick out a fabric without touching it. You know me, old touchy feely Nyota."
"Indeed. Although I would not agree with the 'old' part," he added hastily. He handed the tricorder to her. "Personally I see nothing wrong with the window coverings that are already here. They are perfectly functional. Why do you insist on changing them?"
She raised an eyebrow at him in reply, so he sighed. "Very well. Enjoy yourself."
"Thanks."
She started toward the door, but they both turned when they heard footsteps.
"Saavik?" Nyota tried to tuck the unwieldy cushion under her arm. "I thought that I heard Zach. Aren't you two going out?"
Her head down, Saavik walked rapidly through the room. "No, we are not. I told Zachary that I could no longer see him."
"What?" exclaimed Nyota. "You broke it off?"
Saavik did not look up. "Yes. I must pack now."
"But why?" Nyota extended a hand in Saavik's direction. "Saavik, wait."
Saavik vanished into the hallway without further comment, and an instant later Spock heard her door close. He stared at the empty hallway for a long moment, then turned to Nyota to see that she was equally puzzled.
"I can't believe this," she said softly. "I just can't believe this."
"I am shocked, as well." He shook his head slowly. "I had thought that everything was going very smoothly between them."
"This morning she was concerned about having a long-distance romance, but I reassured her. She knew that you and I had problems, but they weren't just from being apart and I told her that. I thought that she was fine with everything." She let the cushion drop to the floor. "Oh, Spock. She looked so unhappy, and this is all my fault."
"Your fault? You just said that you reassured her. Why would you be responsible for the termination of their relationship?"
"That's not what I mean. You were right. I meddled and meddled. You said that I shouldn't, but I pushed them together. I kept telling Saavik what a terrific guy he was, and I did everything I could to keep them interested in each other. I should have seen that she just wasn't ready, but I kept pushing. And now she's hurt."
Resting his hand on her shoulder, he said, "Do not blame yourself, Nyota. You were merely attempting to guide her into something you thought would be good for her. What are you going to do now?"
She took a heavy breath. "Nothing. I've interfered too much as it is, and this is something she needs to muddle through for herself. Maybe I shouldn't go to the store, though. I'll cancel my appointment with the decorator."
He picked up the cushion and handed it to her. "This is something you have been anticipating for several days. Saavik does not leave for another three point four hours. You will be back well before then."
"I suppose you're right."
She hesitated, so he gently steered her toward the door.
"Go, Nyota. I am certain that she needs to be alone at the moment."
Her shoulders slumped, and she took a deep breath and nodded. "I'll be back as quickly as possible."
He watched her walk out the door. Soon he heard the flitter leave, and he nodded in satisfaction at the sound of the engine. He had definitely corrected the imbalance. He headed toward the kitchen to make himself some tea. Perhaps Saavik would like some, too.
Saavik.
As he put the water on to heat, he pictured the quiet pain on her features just moments before. Romantic entanglements had always been difficult for him, too. It was very hard to take that first step toward an acknowledgment of mutual attraction. It was harder still to agree to an ongoing involvement. However, now that he considered it, she had evidently experienced little problem with either of those. Why, then, was she suddenly so unwilling to continue the relationship on a long-distance basis?
He thought again of his own struggle to maintain his relationship with Nyota so many years ago. As Nyota had said, he and she had encountered great difficulty when she left the Enterprise. Things were very good between them at first, but gradually he had found it easier to avoid her than to be with her. She had claimed at the time that it was because he did not try hard enough, and while that was certainly correct, it was not because he had not cared about her. Among other things, it was because there had been something he did not want to tell her.
He had harbored a secret, the secret of an adult Vulcan male's sexual cycle. He had cared so deeply for her that the thought of losing her had filled him with an almost paralyzing fear, and it was this fear that had prevented him from being honest. And the longer he had kept it to himself, the more daunting it had become to reveal. Ironically, in the end it had been his lack of honesty rather than his sharing of the secret that had caused him to lose her. He had even experienced a sense of relief despite his pain when he had allowed her to go, because that had meant he would never have to tell her just how much he had kept from her.
And... he was not the only person in this house who knew what it was like to hold a dark secret.
He removed the water from the heat and left the kitchen.
End chapter 10