Warnings: Adult themes, sexual situations


Chapter 10: The Smashing of the Floodgates

No eureka moment occurred to Zen as her relationship with Sirius grew closer, but slow awareness crept upon her as the moments and days and weeks passed. One day in cold, damp April, the strange courtship made sense to her. It had been becoming clearer so slowly that she woke up one day, looked at the darling man sleeping beside her in the grey morning light, and knew.

Since he had been imprisoned at such a young age, Sirius had never learned how to have a relationship the way adults did. No wonder he only made out with her on the sofa – he was still a teenager emotionally. And as far as experience went, he didn't know how to behave like a lover to a woman.

Before coming to this realization, she had been trying very hard to stay still and let him enjoy his necking and petting because any move she made, any sound she made, had such a dramatic effect on him. As a result, she tried hard not to react at all so as not to influence him. Had that been a mistake?

Even worse, he was living in constant denial of her eventually leaving him and going home. He was operating under the illusion that they were going out, or going steady, in the horrible vernacular of the 1970s and earlier. Only once had she tried to talk about her imminent departure. Her attempt at broaching the subject had brought on such a surly fit of grouchiness and petulance on his part that she had decided to avoid the subject.

Let him live in denial, she thought with serene detachment. I don't have to worry about picking up the pieces because I won't be around.

On the other hand, all she could think was: that poor, darling man. He was reckless and immature, someone suffering from arrested adolescence, who had never developed into a grown man. And with his fate prescribed in millions of copies of hardcovers and paperbacks, he never would get that chance.

Dismissing these considerations and opting for action instead, she asked if they could open a nice bottle of wine with lunch, and he agreed. The truth was, he never refused her anything for which she asked, exactly what she was counting on for the afternoon. However, it was one of Sirius's occasional moody, grumpy days. Added to his low mood, he drank more than usual, and then, silent and maudlin, he sat looking at her with those great big, gorgeous, pale eyes.

For a few minutes, Zen thought about just scrapping her plan and trying it another day, but she knew she couldn't assume that she'd be here another day. So she stood up and went around the table to him. Surprise flickered in his eyes and dispelled the foul mood as she silently took his hand and drew him to his feet. He frowned at her in confusion but asked no questions, and Zen led him by the hand out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

No words or glances passed between them as they went up to his room. Somehow, though, as she led him up the flights of stairs, he went along silently and realized what she intended. She had chosen his room instead of hers because her bed was where they slept innocently together. That was sacrosanct, and nothing would interfere with it.

In his room, she led him over to his bed and turned to him without looking up at him or saying anything, for she didn't know what to say. Instead, she reached up and started to open the fastenings on his robes. Before she could get far, though, he grabbed her wrists.

Startled, she stopped and raised her eyes to his. The usual exquisite blue-grey was black. His eyes reflected his soul, and at that moment, he was tortured by memories, thoughts of all that he had missed during those lost years, deep lusts, dark passions, secret longings of which he dared not speak.

After a second, he let go of her wrists. "Anytime you want me to take my clothes off, you just tell me, baby." His voice was husky, unsteady. He opened his robes and shrugged them off his shoulders, letting them fall to the floor. He wore a heavy blue shirt underneath and black trousers. "Shall I keep going?"

Wide-eyed, hypnotized, she nodded.

While she watched, he pulled the shirt over his head. He looked at her and saw how she was staring, so he slowly kicked off his shoes, unfastened his trousers and slid them down and off, leaving him in only plaid flannel shorts in the dark colors of the Black Watch. "More?" He hooked his thumbs under the elastic waistband.

"In a minute," she told him with more breath than voice. He was a beautiful man! The months that he had been on the run had restored much of his muscle tone and had filled in the gauntness that Azkaban had wrought. Now, despite the tattoos, he was sinewy and dark with a mat of black chest hair that she wanted to feel against her skin…

"You look as long as you want," he told her, but with his voice so low and shaky, she was sure that he was feeling nervous and apprehensive.

Wanting both to be near him and to reassure him, she came closer and placed her hands on his arms above his elbows. A powerful shudder shook his whole body, and his eyes squeezed shut. She took her hands away quickly and wondered if she was asking too much of him.

"No." The word was almost a hiss and his eyes opened. He stared at her with a desperate, pleading look. "Don't stop."

Whatever she did, she was not going to make things worse. Reaching her hands up, she placed her fingertips very lightly on his arms again and looked at him with a question in her eyes.

This time, there was a shiver, and he swallowed hard. "Touch me."

She blinked. "Where?" she whispered, wanting so much to put him at ease.

"Anywhere. Everywhere." His voice was a tremulous whisper.

With a delicate caress, she slid her fingertips up to his shoulders and traced the tattoo at the top of his chest. The pulse in his neck was beating madly, and his breathing was unnaturally rapid. Her fingers ran down his chest through the thick, curling black hair. As usual, her impulses got the better of her and she leaned to rub her cheek against his chest hair.

Sirius gasped and his hands gripped her shoulders. When she looked up at him, his eyes were only half-open and filled with a terrible hunger that she recognized.

This slow torture couldn't go on. She had been stupid – she should have undressed first! Well, the next time I plan a seduction, I'll know. As far as she could determine, the best thing would be to skip the foreplay. "Here." As she took a step over to the bed, his hands fell away from her shoulders; with one smooth motion, she pulled down the covers. "Sit down for a minute."

"Anything you say, baby."

It was her turn to feel nervous as she nudged off her shoes and socks with her heels and reached to unfasten her own robes. By then he was sitting on the edge of the bed; his eyes were open wide and staring at her with that dark, disturbing hunger.

Ignoring him as best she could, she shed her robes, shirt, and trousers as quickly as possible. Under them, she had on a plain bra and knickers. There was no time for modesty; still, she had to grit her teeth to quell her anxiety as she slipped the straps off her shoulders and unhooked the garment from behind. Then she wiggled her knickers down and off her hips so that Sirius could see all of her.

When she looked at him, he was staring at her with his mouth hanging open and his eyes moving over her body, and Zen felt acutely aware of her nakedness. She moved closer, and Sirius hesitated and looked at her as if for permission before raising his hands to her waist. His hands slid down over hips and back up to her waist.

Then he pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her and pressing his face against her breasts. Zen held onto his shoulders as he nuzzled her soft flesh and made little feral sounds in his throat. "I don't think I can wait." he muttered in a gruff, hoarse voice without letting go of her.

"You don't have to," she gasped out as she tried to get used to the exquisite sensation of his stubbled, unshaven face grazing her nipples.

With surprising strength, swiftness, and gentleness, he lifted her and set her on her back on the bed, where he slithered on top of her, his mouth and hands exploring her body with the awkward, eager gentleness of a boy touching a girl for the first time.

She gasped and giggled and squirmed. "Mmmm, that feels nice."

It was at about this point that she generally made a man put on a condom. Months earlier, however, when he had first asked her to be his girlfriend, she had gained some practical advice from Calyxa on Wizard's contraception, so she was prepared.

He stopped long enough to slip off his shorts, and while he did, Zen flipped her hair over the pillows before welcoming him back with open arms. He was groaning and rubbing against her, his hands sliding all over her as she parted her legs for him. No doubt this was going to be over very soon, but right now, this was about him and not her.

Without warning, Sirius stopped and lay heavily atop her, panting, with his face buried against the pillow. After a moment, he raised himself and stared down at her with a look of powerful, desperate need in his eyes. Something seemed to be causing a struggle inside him, and she imagined that it was painful to have long-dead feelings reawakened.

"I don't think I can do this," he whispered, looked shaky and disoriented.

She nodded. Delicately, her hands came up and touched the sides of his face. "It doesn't matter," she murmured. "It's enough just to be with you."

He hesitated, and then he lowered his head to kiss her. Attempting to remain motionless, she lay there as his palm ran over her hip and belly down to her thigh and then between her legs where he could feel that she was wet for him. At his touch, she moaned softly against his kiss and squirmed a little.

He lifted his head, and she could see the absolute shock as well as the ferocious need that gripped him. "Gods," he growled.

She knew that he was not able to be gentle or sweet at this moment and that his self-control cost him an immense amount of effort. Relax, Zen, she told herself as she brushed her hands lightly down his chest. You can take anything he gives you. He needs this. He needs you.

"You can see how much I want you," she told him.

"Yeah, but I can't…" He swallowed. He was shaking and again seemed to be seeking her permission. He stared at her with eyes so hungry and vulnerable that it was painful to behold.

"Let's just do it," she murmured in a low, sensual voice. "We'll have loads of time for fun later." She smiled and reached down to help him.

Finally allowing himself to surrender his tight self-control, he slid into her with a groan. For a second, he lay still, gasping and overwhelmed by the intensity of the sensation. And then, with a long, strangled cry like a howl that seemed ripped from him against his will, he began to hump involuntarily.

Zen tried to move with him, to help him; she stroked his shoulders and back. There was no pain, but there was little pleasure for her in this rough, hard mating. Instead, she felt slight discomfort, but she easily endured and knew she would never speak of it to him or anyone else. All the truth that he needed to know was that it was over too fast for her to enjoy it but that it was lovely being with him in such an intimate, physical way.

That didn't matter at all: he was weeping, sobbing as he gasped out sharp, keening cries of grief and wild release. His tears dripped onto her, ran down the side of her face and neck; she kissed his jaw and ear and whispered, "Sweetie, sweetie," in a feeble attempt at comfort. There was nothing else she could do.

Ragged, gasping breaths shook him, and after a scant few minutes, he shuddered and spent within her. Lying atop her, his sobs racked his whole body, wrenched the grief from his tortured soul. Emptied physically and mentally, held by the arms of his lady, overwhelmed by the smashing of the floodgates as everything good and bad came rushing out, Sirius sobbed against her.

"Honey, sweetie," she soothed, holding him tenderly, pressing kisses against his head and shoulder as he cried. Her eyes flooded with tears of compassion, and she knew that she had done the right thing.

Eventually, his sobs subsided and his breathing slowed. He was heavy on top of her, but she didn't mind. Slowly, she ran her hands down his back, stroking and petting him and giving him time to recover from the violent release that had been so draining and traumatic.

After a while, the cold air began to encroach. Zen tried to reach the duvet with her feet, but she could not. He was too big and too heavy and pinned her down almost completely. By now, he was breathing normally, so Zen very gently pushed him off of her. "Come on, sweetie, turn on your side," she coaxed, helping him to pull out and roll off of her.

With his eyes closed, he tried to wipe his runny nose with his weak, slow hand, but it didn't seem to work quite right. They were both of them wet with tears and semen and snot; Zen pressed a soft kiss onto his forehead. "I'll be right back," she assured him.

Naked and shivering, she hurried to the bathroom. Poor Sirius! She hadn't been prepared for anything like this. What she really wanted was a shower, but after the violence of his experience, she dared not leave him alone, helpless and shivering in the cold. Quickly, she cleaned herself off with a warm, wet cloth and then brought another back to his room along with a bath towel.

When she returned, she spread the towel on the bed to cover wet spots. Sirius's eyes were red and swollen, but he opened them and looked at her with what seemed to be dazed affection as she began to clean his face. He didn't speak – she was fairly sure that he couldn't speak – but his lips moved as if he wanted to say something. No sound came.

"Shhh, don't try to talk," she soothed, smoothing back his hair and kissing him softly upon the temple and then the lips. "You don't need to say anything. Plenty of time to talk later."

When she had finished cleaning him up, she tossed the cloth on the floor. Let Kreacher take care of that, she thought, and then she pulled the duvet up over them and lay alongside him. Cradling him in her arms, she kissed him very softly on the cheek and lips before settling down.

"Baby," he mumbled and then said something inaudible, shifting nearly lifeless arms around her before he slowly relaxed and weariness overtook him.

Zen gently stroked his hair. She would have never thought or suspected that an act of love could have been so tremendously dramatic. She shouldn't have waited so long! She should have taken him to bed two months ago. Of course, two months ago, she hadn't thought they'd be together for two months. Anyway, a few months probably didn't make much of a difference after all the years he had been celibate. Not only celibate, though. Alone, bereft, isolated, and imprisoned.

But what happens now?

She had no illusions that he would now be suddenly free of the darkness that haunted him. No, he would need a lot more to heal his scars, and she was quite skeptical that he'd ever be completely free from his demons, even if he had many years ahead of him. Which he didn't, she recalled, as tears sprang into her eyes. But something huge and painful inside him had broken free, and that was a start. It was April, now, and the time was very short. But there was a chance that this darling, damaged man could find a little happiness in the short time that he had left.

Acknowledgements: Many thanks to the two brave people who shared their painful recollections with me in the hope of making this a bit more realistic. You know who you are.

Author's Note: To those people whom I promised a link on the old discussion of Sirius's character after Order of the Phoenix came out, here is the link with dots, slashes, and equals signs filled in by capital letters (hopes it works):

www DOT sugarquill DOT net SLASH forum SLASH index DOT php?showtopic EQUALS 2001