While Spock knew he had seen his Captain and friend emotionally unsettled on several occasions he also knew he had seldom seen him this emotionally unstable within himself. It was clear that whatever had happened down on the planet had more deeply affected Jim than many things before had. As soon as he saw Jim's shoulder's start to shake he took the two steps that closed the physical distance between them, making sure his shielding was ready for the onslaught of emotions he knew would try to overtake him. The emotions from Kirk, as Kirk quickly and unashamedly hugged him in a tight embrace as the tears came, were not an onslaught as such but an all consuming fire of agony that almost shattered his shields. He found himself marveling that his friend had been able to bear so much for so long.

So much pain and guilt mixed with a fear. Fear? He stilled his mind, yes a fear. An odd fear and he held his friend in a way that was not unlike how his mother had held him before he mastered the Vulcan mind rules, it was not the cold hold of a Vulcan. Carefully he opened that part of his mind to investigate the fear he could not recognize knowing he had to know what it was in order to help his friend. For a moment he almost stopped in shock as under the fear Jim had was a deeper fear for his life, a deep concern for how his Vulcan friend would take the news of his death, that he hoped that his death would not cripple him in any way, hoping that his friend and First Officer he would accept it as meant to be. In all his fears Jim had been afraid for him. Knowing what that deep fear was shocked Spock yet also allowed his human side to feel a moment of pride that Jim should care so much, so profoundly, about him.

He knew at this time Jim would need a part of his human half and he remembered not only how his mother had held him but suddenly recalled how McCoy had recently held him. Slowly he started to rub Kirk's back as his mother and McCoy had rubbed his as it was clearly a Human method of comforting and reassuring another that they are safe and loved and being taken care of. He was aware of only six other occasions when Kirk had clung to him almost like this. Almost like this only this time it was far more intense as there were so many fears and memories that were bombarding his friend at once.

Gradually he felt the fear and mental anguish ease slightly in Kirk and felt him relax then slowly nod, "I'm okay now, Spock." Spock released him and for a moment his friend stepped back and looked at him, "What would I do without you?"

"I am pleased and honored to be of assistance. You," for four point five seconds he hesitated and then knew he had to state the facts as that would be what his friend would expect, "you seemed to be having extreme difficulty in dealing with the situation you were in and all you encountered on the planet."

Again Kirk closed his eyes and pulled Spock tightly to him as still very fresh memories tried to reclaim him and for two point nine seconds Spock was unsure of exactly what to do. He had seen his Captain and friend upset many times but he could not remember seeing him so distraught. He reprimanded himself for mentioning the events on the planet as clearly Kirk had not fully dealt with them.

"I, I was so lost and having seen the butchered bodies of my officers and known what they would have gone through I was terrified as," slowly Kirk backed away so he could look at his Vulcan friend, knowing he had to tell him and needed to tell him . As he looked at his friend he knew it really was a lie that Vulcan's had no feelings as he could see the torment his friend went through waiting. "I knew you were not there and I had no way of knowing where I was or they were. They were hardly recognizable as men they had been so butchered. I could hear the hunters getting closer and then I fell. I felt a hand on my mouth and a voice I could not place calling me Captain and telling me to be still and silent. Then nothing till I woke again and I realizes whoever it was with me had tended to my injuries and obviously left me for a time as he had a trail I could follow. I, I did not notice it at the time but his voice had changed."

Momentarily Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head as he could still hear the pain in the voice he had not thought of at the time. When he opened his eyes he saw the deep concern in the dark eyes watching him, "Jim?"

"I, I did not hear it then but when he spoke again he was in such pain. He told me what to look for and what way to go. Told me to go and even how far I had to go and what to look for. He was in so much pain and yet he, he, he."

"Jim, you must know that he is getting the best of care now."

"Now, yes, I know that, Spock. But I failed him, Spock. I failed him as his Captain. I did not protect him. He protected me. I am his Captain and I failed him. I left him. I abandoned him, Spock."

"You did ask for us to scan for him."

"I know that and I know I should have gone looking for him, Spock. I should never have left him."

"Jim, with no single life-forms showing on our scans there was no way you would have known where to look for him. You are not responsible for,"

"Dammit, Spock, I am his Captain. I swore an oath,"

"I know that Jim but do you not accept that there is a possibility, irrespective of how remote from the realms of reality it may seem to be, that his personal oath took precedence on this occasion? You were in no mental nor physical condition to really take care of your own needs."

"And he was? I heard the pain in his voice, Spock. I heard him fighting to breathe but," again Kirk stopped and owed his head only to feel a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"I could not sense your existence, Jim. I did not know what,"

For the first time Kirk smiled as he looked at his friend. "When I realized I was lost and you were not going to be able to help me I, I tried to not think only react as I knew that you would be able to sense me. I wanted to spare you that. I hoped that Bones would,"

"McCoy was," while he did not want to tell of his close to emotional breakdown on the bridge he also wanted Jim to know of all the help and, yes, love and support, he had received from the bridge crew, "of great assistance, Jim. The whole command crew was but it was McCoy who seemed to know what to do to best assist me."

"It must have been,"

"It was no worse for me than it was for you, Jim. You had Wairstone and I had McCoy so we were not alone and had,"

"But I left him, Spock. I was hurt and I left him. I knew that he was hurt and I left him. You were hurting yet you did not leave McCoy and may have taken some comfort from him being with you and he was also hurting but you did not leave him. I left him. I left him there alone. I was also his commanding officer, I took an oath to protect my crew and I, I left him. It is bad enough I left him but I knew he was hurting, I knew that he was in pain and I still left him." For a moment Kirk stopped, turned away, took three steps away seemed to struggle to maintain control of his emotions and slowly turned and looked at him, "He may live, Spock, but how do I live with knowing I left him to die? How do I live with knowing I have no right to be a Captain as I left one of my officers to die alone? What if he lives, is deemed medically unfit and is taken off the ship? I will have done that to him as I left him. I left a living officer behind, Spock. I should have stayed with him." Kirk closed his eyes as he bowed his head and softly said, "Omigad, Spock. I left him and he knew it. He knew I was leaving him."

Spock could see that his friend still had a horrendous amount of guilt, possibly more than he could bear. So many times he had seen Jim Kirk in deep mental pain about some action he had taken, had seen him take time to accept that what he had done was the right thing but this, this went deeper. This was clearly more personal. He knew this man so well he knew how deeply he cared about his ship and his crew and how he would take such an incident as a personal failure. No, this was more than a personal failure like so many other incidences he had later accepted as part of his position as the Captain on a starship so far from assistance. So many times he had seen him bear the loss of other officers on different planets, had heard him say that he was their Captain, and none of them had been as deep and personal as this clearly was. For a moment he thought of doing a mind meld but knew that in his state Jim would not agree. He knew that this had to be all up to Jim to find a way out. Yes, it was up to Jim to find that way out but he knew it was up to him to find a way to help his friend to find that way out.

A/N So much for spring as it has been almost endless rain and cold winds in this area. Not the best of weather for working outside nor going for walks with the dog. Enjoy.