Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.

Author's Notes: I don't own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.

Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.

I am still on track to continue posting every Monday night.

This fic is nearly 60K so far (not all of that is posted) and I think I might be about three-fourths done? Depending on how much these boys keep telling me. Anyway, this is chapter 10 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 20).

Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. – This is actually the first chapter (I think) that's all taken place in the same day.

Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

Rating this chapter:PG-13 for language

The Lucky Ones - Chapter 10: I Got So Scared

I got so scared, I thought no one could save me
You came along scooped me up like a baby
Every now and then, the stars align
Boy and girl meet by the great design
Could it be that you and me are the lucky ones?
~ The Lucky Ones by Lana Del Rey

March 11, 2011

Wes listened with interest when Blaine interrupted Thad and David to say he was tired of the group being about him. He was surprised, however, when Blaine's next statement was that they would lose at Regionals.

"I am incredibly grateful for the belief you've all given me, as a junior member, to lead you in all these wonderful songs this year. But, from what Kurt has told me about New Directions, I just know I can't beat them on my own."

Wes sat up a bit straighter, fingers interlocked on the table in front of him, and exchanged glances with Thad as they waited to see what Blaine was about to suggest.

"Which is why I propose that we rearrange our 11:00 number and turn it into a duet."

Everyone started talking over each other, people in an outrage at the very suggestion. He'd have thought the guys, especially the younger ones who hadn't made it past auditioning for solos, would have jumped at the chance to share the spotlight. Wes was also a little surprised by David's suggestion about kazoos, and was about to speak when Blaine stood up and called for order. Yeah, that was questionable. He glanced at Thad again, but waited to see what Blaine had to say.

"Now, we all lost one of our own this week. Pavarotti's voice was silenced by death, and I don't want to silence anyone else's voices in this group." Wes nodded his head in agreement. He had to admit, Blaine had a point. A point that really should have been made before. He couldn't help but wonder what had triggered this change in Blaine. Could it really have been the bird's death? "I think Pavarotti would roll over in his tiny, tiny little grave…"

"The placement of which has yet to be determined."

Yeah, it was time to settle this. "All right," Wes said. "A vote. Who's in favor of Warbler Blaine's proposal for a dual lead at Regionals?" He wasn't surprised at all when Blaine's hand went up first, or Jeff's next, but he was pleased that it was unanimous.

He was already expecting it when Kurt leaned forward and stage-whispered, "Oh, can I put my name on the audition list?" What he wasn't expecting was Blaine's immediate response.

"No." Kurt looked up at Blaine, questioning. "No auditions." Wes wondered if anyone else noticed that Blaine was suddenly having a hard time catching his breath. Blaine had amazing breath control, but he suddenly seemed to be gasping a bit to say this. "I want to do the duet… with Kurt." And suddenly it was all clear.

Kurt set about defending everyone's right to audition which was really incredibly sweet and honorable of him. Meanwhile Jeff broke out into a huge grin, Trent got all thoughtful like he does when he's a quarter step behind and trying to figure it out, David bumped elbows with Wes and winked at him, Josh and Billy shared a knowing smile, and Blaine interrupted Kurt's comments by calling for a vote. Wes couldn't hold back his smirk as he picked up the gavel. "Decided."

Thad said "Congratulations, Kurt," while Wes caught Blaine's eye and motioned him over.

"I'm sorry, Wes, if I was overstepping. I just, it's come to my attention that…"

"It's all right, Blaine. I'd like you to stay a minute after the meeting though, if you have the time."

"Um, sure." He looked around to see that most of the guys were heading out already. Kurt was lingering, so Blaine went to talk to him for a moment while Wes tidied up the council's table.

"Okay, I'm yours for the moment. What can I do for you?"

"When did you figure it out?"

"Figure what out?"

"That you're into Kurt, Mr. Oblivious," Wes smiled and gave Blaine a light shove.

"Um, I didn… how di.. oh god, was it that obvious?" Blaine groaned and flopped down on the nearest sofa, burying his face in his hands.

"To most of us, yes. That's why everyone agreed with you so quickly when you called for a vote on Kurt singing with you. Judging by his expression, though, he doesn't have a clue." Wes paused, watching Blaine for a minute. "You never did answer me, though. We've all known you had a thing for him since you met. What took you so long to figure it out?"

Blaine smiled, a distant look in his eyes making Wes wonder what he was thinking about. "I guess I was waiting for the right moment to arise." He laughed at himself quietly, and then quickly got serious. "Really, it was when he sang for Pavarotti. I don't know why that struck me the way it did, but suddenly I looked back on our entire friendship and I realized…" he sighed and nervously fiddled with the knot of his tie.

"I've never had a boyfriend. I've never really… I liked Jeremiah, but I barely knew him. I guess I never really knew what it meant to be interested in someone, you know, more than on a surface level. I didn't know what to expect, so I didn't realize it was happening to me. I mean, he's my best friend, Wes, and yeah, sometimes I thought about how attractive he is, and yeah, I spent a lot of time noticing how his eyes are like green and blue and golden all at once, but they change with his moods sometimes, but I guess I didn't put those things together. Then suddenly a few days ago he… I don't know, it's like he just shifted in my head, and I knew. I just suddenly realized that when you think someone's incredible and gorgeous and funny and smart and kind and they amaze you all the time, that kinda might be… more than like, more than friendship."

"Well damn, Blaine. With speeches like that, you're sure to win him over."

Blaine flushed, pleased. But then sobered.

"Shit, Wes, what if he's not interested in me? I mean, I know he was at one point. He told me after the Gap debacle," Wes laughed at that and accepted Blaine's attempt at a death glare. "But I didn't want to mess up, and I still don't, I can't lose him, even if that means I can't have him. God, does that even make sense?"

"Makes sense to me, and if by some crazy chance he's not interested, tell him that, and I bet you'll keep the friendship intact."

"Thanks." Blaine looked around and bounced on his toes a little. "Did, uh, did you need me for anything else, Wes?"

"Nah, we're good. You just go talk to your man and get that epic romance started."

Blaine rolled his eyes and left, though Wes noted a spring in his step and a determined expression that made him think he was going to do just that.

November 8, 2019

"Hello?"

"Wes! Hi, I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time?" Blaine was pacing in his room again, as he often did when he was plagued by too much nervous energy.

"Not at all. How've you been? Will you still be in for Thanksgiving?"

"I- I don't know, actually. It depends on whether I get this part and what the schedule looks like."

"Oh, for RENT? When do you find out?"

"I go in tomorrow for the final callback where I'll have to sing with the people they're considering for other roles. I think they want a decision by the end of the week."

"Hey, you've made it this far! Sounds like you've got a good shot. I'm sure you breezed through the first audition."

Blaine smiled wryly. "Yeah, the first one wasn't bad. It was the second that killed me."

"Oh? Why's that?"

"They told me I'd be singing a duet, and their stage manager would be singing the other part of it."

"Yeah?"

"Wes… their stage manager is Kurt."

The silence was almost palpable, and Blaine finally started to wonder if Wes had heard him, or was even still on the phone.

"Hummel?"

"Yeah." Okay, it was just shock. That made sense.

"I had about a minute, less, really, from the moment I realized he was singing, until I had to sing my part and do it well enough to not get laughed out of the theatre district."

"And you clearly did a great job with it, Mr. Final Callback. I take it Kurt already knew, then? Or did he find out right before he started singing?"

"He found out when I started singing." Thinking back on that, Blaine realized Kurt must have been very unaffected by Blaine being there, or he was an even more amazing performer than Blaine already knew he was. "I can't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing."

"Kurt's never been one to let his feelings stop him from performing well. Remember your Gap Attack? He was nuts about you and helping you serenade another guy."

"Yeah." Blaine couldn't help but laugh at his younger self. He'd been attracted to Kurt from that moment on the staircase, but had so quickly shifted into being a concerned friend that he didn't even realize his attraction until later after they'd gotten together. "So, I need your honest opinion, Wes."

"You got it – am I supposed to include bias here, or should I be as objective as possible?"

Blaine grinned to himself and shook his head at Wes' lawyer-ness. "Concern for a friend's well-being may provide slight bias, but not excessively."

"Okay, shoot."

"Am I a complete idiot to want him back?"

"Well, you don't pull punches, do you? Have you even talked to him outside of the audition?"

"We had coffee this morning. He was there maybe 15 or 20 minutes. He said he'd text or call me."

"Did he tell you what happened?"

"No." Blaine looked down, not wanting to mention Kurt's obvious nerves and reservations, the quick way he left, or his ultimatum on talking about their breakup.

"And based on that, you know that he's still someone you'd be interested in?"

"He's still Kurt." He couldn't understand why people didn't see this.

"You've really got it bad." Wes laughed. "I won't say you're a complete idiot. You want what you want. You feel how you feel. It is what it is."

"Okay, any chance of a response that's not so circular and redundant?"

"My point is that it's not about what you feel, it's about what you do about those feelings. Considering the history here I'd suggest starting by talking, see if you still get along with him, find out why he broke it off so you know if it's something that would be a problem again in the future, and then decide if it would be smart to act on your feelings."

Blaine sighed. "Yeah, that's probably true." Some part of him had seriously wanted to just grab Kurt, wrap him up in a hug, drag him away somewhere quiet, and beg to spend the rest of their lives together. But he knew Wes was right. And, since Kurt had been very hesitant at coffee, a much more subtle approach might work best. "Thanks."

"Anytime! Let me know how it goes, okay? And hey, you get the part, be sure to give me show dates. I'm overdue for a visit up there."

"Of course. I'll be in touch."

November 9, 2019

It was a perfectly normal November Saturday in New York, which is to say, it was chilly, windy, and the sky couldn't seem to decide what, if any, type of precipitation it wanted to release. Kurt had worn another of his bulky sweaters and was beginning to regret it. A reminder popped up from his calendar: "9:00 am – Reminder: Callback finals begin 10:00 am" He clicked the reminder closed as tugged at the collar a bit, wondering why it felt so tight around his throat. Almost time. Wow, seems like I just got here. Taking a deep breath, he gathered his sketch pad and pencil case, as well as a small note pad and pen, and laid them on the corner of the cutting table so he could grab them on his way out the door. Okay, I have my sketch needs and note needs, I just watch the rehearsals, see who looks good together, give Sara my ideas. It doesn't matter that Blaine will be here. Today he's just… oh shit. Kurt felt a wave of dizziness and his lips started tingling, like all the blood had rushed from his head.

Can't think, can't do this… Fuck. Kurt forced himself to stop and breathe. Blaine would audition, Kurt would be in the audience. It'll be fine. I don't even have to talk to him. What if he tries to talk to me? I've got to face him at some point. He pondered the possible options before him: talk to Blaine and find a delicate working relationship they could deal with; talk to Blaine and hope they could be friends again; have wild "I missed you" sex that would ruin any chances they had of real communication; talk to Blaine and hope they could still have a future together – I didn't even realize I was still… but I should have, he's been a part of me forever, how could I not still want to be with him – the madness of these options made him dizzy all over again. He started to realize that no matter what angle he tried to take, this was going to have potential to be very bad. He couldn't pinpoint just how bad, or what could come of this, but he also couldn't shake the feeling that a disaster was coming and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He tried to remind himself that there could be something positive in many of those possibilities, but it seemed his brain had decided not to listen to reason. Too fucking hot in here, I can't breathe. He tore his sweater off, flinging it over the back of the desk chair in frustration, as if it were the sweater's fault somehow.

Kurt started to pace the floor, but quickly decided his legs were too unstable, so he sat in his desk chair, tugging at the collar of his undershirt before pulling his arms tightly around his chest. If he could have somehow made himself smaller, he would have. He felt too raw suddenly, exposed, like someone had peeled off some of his skin and left him vulnerable. He didn't even realize he was gently rocking back and forth as he thought back to so many memories from his relationship with Blaine.

Like a poorly edited movie trailer, images flashed through his mind almost faster than he could keep up with them. His first impression of Dalton, watching all the boys run through the halls, the brilliance of Blaine's smile when he introduced himself and grabbed Kurt's hand, the flirty nature of Blaine's "Teenage Dream" performance

– I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this –

countless coffee dates at The Lima Bean, the plummeting feeling in his stomach as Blaine and Rachel kissed rather intimately right in front of him, the soaring feeling throughout his whole body when Blaine kissed him for the first time, their playful arguments over which styles or movies or foods were better, their real arguments over Sebastian and Chandler

– oh god, what have I done? What am I going to do now? –

their first time exploring each other's bodies quickly replaced by their last time which was even more painful

– can't breathe. Why's it so warm in here –

the times they sang together for competition, the times they sang together for Glee club, the times they sang together for themselves and each other, the dream date right before he moved to New York – Kurt's vision blurred slightly and he was having a hard time catching his breath – the glances he got from Blaine when he wasn't expecting it, the sound of Blaine's voice on the phone that last time, the party he was at the night before that phone call, the guy, Brad

– no, not him, not now, I can't deal with him right now too –

Kurt heard a choked sob and realized it came from his own throat.

He felt almost like someone else was in his head, some past or alternate version of him that was telling him things.

– You were never good enough for him, that's why this happened. You might as well stop thinking about him, it'll only go badly. –

After a while, as he tried desperately to catch his breath and tell himself to stop bawling like a ridiculous baby, the words in his head got more and more disjointed and eventually dissolved into nothing more than impressions and feelings. The dread, the worry, the feeling that there was absolutely nothing he could do to fix any of it, the complete lack of control he felt over the whole situation, over his whole life really.

Suddenly it wasn't just his relationship with Blaine that he'd screwed up. It was everything; he'd lost so many friends, given up one of his biggest dreams, distanced himself from his father, slacked in his personal fashion pursuits – he'd ruined his life, and hurt so many people around him. He knew he'd hurt the people who mattered most, and he couldn't do anything to make it better.

In the midst of these thoughts, there was a tiny little calm part of his mind where he felt like an outside observer, shocked and confused by this breakdown. He'd been handling things just fine for years now, so why the sudden drama?

As his chest tightened more and he started to feel the effects of too little oxygen, he began to wonder if he was having a heart attack. Oh god, is this how Dad felt? He tried to raise a hand to his chest, but found his hands were both tightly clenched in fists and he couldn't seem to relax them. In fact, he couldn't seem to relax anything.

And then suddenly, there were arms wrapped around him and he felt a tiny bit less frantic. He closed his eyes and gave in to the comfort, realizing at some point that it was Lindsey holding him, rocking him gently (or was she just rocking with him?) whispering calming things to him. He put all his energy into focusing on her arms, on her calm voice – "Shhhh, it's okay. Don't think about it, don't worry about me seeing you here, it's okay to be upset, I'm here, you're safe. Don't worry about it; just focus on my arms and my voice, okay?" – and he felt himself starting to relax. His fists uncurled and he found he could breathe again, though his chest ached. The more he relaxed, the more he realized his entire body ached like he'd put himself through some kind of seriously athletic workout, and he felt utterly exhausted. He sniffed deeply before he finally raised his head and looked at Lindsey, a questioning look on his face. He hoped she'd offer an explanation because he wasn't sure he could actually ask for it right now.

"I was coming to talk to you, and saw you in here… it's okay." She was now holding one hand in hers, and he saw she had pulled another chair over to sit next to him. Her other hand was rubbing soothing strokes up and down his arm as she talked.

Kurt rubbed his chest gently and tried to focus on slow, deep breaths. "What…" his eyes bounced from the door to the clock (which he couldn't focus on) to his lap and back to Lindsey. He swallowed, his throat feeling a bit raw. His sinuses were congested and his pulse was still throbbing in his head. He reached for a handkerchief to wipe his face and blow his nose, then cleared his throat and looked back to Lindsey. "What just happened?"

"Oh sweetie, you've never gone through that before, have you?" She pulled him forward and hugged him. "I don't know for sure, but it looked to me like you had a panic attack. The first time is always the worst. If you ever have another one, at least you'll know what's happening, and that helps."

"P-Panic attack?" Kurt shook his head, wide-eyed. "But, I don't have panic attacks." He was feeling so drained it was hard to think, and in reflection, he was starting to feel like a lunatic. He felt almost as if he'd watched from somewhere else while he broke down in fear that seemed far too extreme for reality. "I mean, some of it was familiar – at first, but then it wouldn't stop."

"Can you tell me what you were doing or thinking about?" Lindsey's calm demeanor helped, and he took a deep breath, nodding. "Callbacks."

"Okay, but it's not just callbacks, right? We've had dozens of callbacks since you started working here. What's different this time? Is it Blaine?"

Kurt just nodded and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He felt the worry starting up again and closed his eyes, trying to focus on something calming. Thankfully, Lindsey provided that for him.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm here with you, and you can make it through this. Just breathe. It's okay, just breathe."

Any other time, the reminder to breathe would be irritating, but at that moment it was so helpful to Kurt. He listened to her calm voice and took a deep breath in and out, in and out.

"Okay, now, you don't have to tell me what's going on, but if you want to, I can listen, and try to help, and keep secrets if required. I do think you need to talk to someone though, so if you don't want to talk to me, maybe you could call a friend, or your brother?" Kurt shook his head at these suggestions. "Or… maybe a therapist would be helpful." She made the suggestion cautiously, as if testing Kurt's receptiveness to the idea.

"I really don't think I need to go that far, but if your offer is still good, I think I would like to talk about it. I can't talk to anyone else right now. It's been too long – too long since this started, since I started avoiding these very questions, since I was close to anyone, really." His tears this time were different. They snuck into the conversation reminding him of how much he still hurt, instead of ambushing all his senses with blinding fear and dread of what everyone else thought and guilt over what he presumed everyone else felt.

"Of course, sweetie. Do you want to talk here, or go somewhere else? The green room has a comfy couch and we can lock the door to make sure we're not interrupted…" She trailed off as she realized he was staring rather intently at the clock. She glanced over and hung her head slightly when she saw the time.

"Thanks. I guess since we've got to be in the auditorium in less than 20 minutes, I should just talk here. Okay, wow, this is gonna be fun. In the interest of time and keeping up appearances with everyone else in this building, I'm about to tell you things I've never told anyone." Lindsey's eyebrows shot up, but she quickly nodded sincerely. Kurt accepted that as her understanding the importance of this conversation. He took a deep breath and started a brief summary.

"Blaine and I dated in high school. We were each other's first and only boyfriend at the time. I'm sure he's got someone now. We were crazy in love for about a year and a half, and we were managing a long distance relationship after I moved here for an internship. He was a year behind me in school. So that fall I went to a party for work, and apparently seriously misjudged my alcohol intake." He'd been talking almost on auto-pilot so far, just reciting facts. This was just another fact. He'd never said this out loud. Never told a soul what had happened that night. His breath shook as he stammered out, "I ch-cheated on Blaine." It was barely above a whisper, but he felt like the building would collapse from the sound of it. He found himself absurdly thinking of the hall on Charn where the bell woke the evil witch Jadis. He shook his head briefly, trying to focus on reality again, much as he didn't want to face it.

"I broke up with him the next day." He was still whispering, staring blindly at his shoe where it rested across his knee.

"So, he didn't take well when you told him about it?" She seemed confused.

"No. I- I never told him. I couldn't. I just told him I couldn't see him anymore. And then I ignored his texts, I started avoiding my roommate and my best friend, I started avoiding contact with my dad after he found out."

"You didn't tell your dad? I guess you guys weren't very close?"

"No, we were really close, but I didn't tell him because he would have asked why and I couldn't tell anyone what I'd done. I didn't want them all to hate me." He smirked. "I guess they just hate me for different reasons now."

"You don't know that."

"True, but I know my dad's been disappointed in me ever since. He acts like he doesn't know how to talk to me anymore, like he's always afraid to speak. He hadn't been like that since I was fifteen or so. He called me, after Blaine told him…"

"Blaine told him?" She couldn't hide her surprise at that.

Kurt just nodded. "I guess Dad was inviting him to Thanksgiving dinner, and Blaine was confused since we'd been broken up for almost three weeks. Anyway, I never told any of them, and I never saw him again until we sang together two days ago. He met me here yesterday morning and asked me to get coffee so we could talk. I went, but we didn't really talk much. I don't know how to…" he sighed, looking down at his hands. "I don't know how to talk to him, and I can't figure out why he wants anything to do with me."

"If it were the other way around, and he'd broken up with you, do you think you'd still want to talk to him?"

"Of course! I'd love to talk to him again. I've missed him. Linds, he was my best friend, the love of my life, the fantasy I didn't think really existed, pretty much literally the man of my dreams. I'd love to have him in my life again, if I thought it could happen without it turning out badly. I couldn't just see him and talk to him and be friends with him and still have this secret from him, but if he ever knew, he'd never want to see me anyway."

Lindsey looked sympathetic as she squeezed his hand, then she tipped her head to the side thoughtfully. "Kurt, baby, I don't mean to be presumptuous here, but you moved 600 miles away from him, broke up with him suddenly and over the phone, and refused to give him a reason? I'd bet good money that he's at least considered the possibility that you cheated; he probably assumed you were dating the new guy."

Kurt looked up at her in surprise, wondering if that were true, and what it might mean, and then wondering all over again why Blaine would want to talk to him if he thought that. Just then both his and Lindsey's phones chimed. She checked hers and sent a quick reply. "That's Sara. She's ready for us. You gonna be okay for this?"

"I will be in five minutes. Give her my apologies for being late, okay?" Lindsey nodded and left. Kurt huffed a deep breath and began to collect himself to face the day.