December 24, 2005:
I shouldn't have texted him. It only made me miss him more.
I should have just left him alone.
Whatever. Couldn't do anything about that now.
Jake and I were finally able to have our talk about his leaving. He knew he was headed for War, and he also knew that he couldn't just leave me here alone.
The hardest part was that we wanted to remain friends. We didn't want to look back at each other with hatred. We didn't want to be that couple. And so we would stick it out that far - together. After that - who knew? We'd see how we felt then.
I had to admit, I definitely still had feelings for him. They were the fluffy kind, reminding me of when we first got together and the night I lost my virginity. Things slipped right into place again. We would laugh and giggle all night at our old stupid jokes. As a friend, Jake was invaluable. He'd known me practically my whole life. And as my first boyfriend, Jake was marvelous. He always made me feel protected - warm - loved.
Everything seemed back to normal - everything except one.
I couldn't seem to have sex with Jake without Edward or the girl from the Volvo creeping into bed with us somehow. On occasion, I'd imagine them both next to me making fun of Jake's sex faces. Or Edward would pop into my mind just as I came, sporting a shit eating grin that said, "I could have done it better."
Anytime I opened my mouth to talk about Stanford, it almost always had something to do with Edward. Up until now, Jake hadn't said anything about it, but I could tell from the look on his face whenever I brought up the subject that it pissed him off. A momentarily twinge of jealousy followed by that fake smile that tried to hide it.
"I thought Edward and Garrett were going to fight at first," I explained, slipping the earring on my right ear in front of the bathroom mirror. "But they actually hit it off. I suppose Edward went out there and smoothed things over with him. They're good now." I ran my hands through my hair and walked back into my room, looking myself up and down in the full length mirror by my bed. Rose had specified the dinner be semi formal so I decided to wear black heels with a cute, little black dress and I'd curled my hair into tight ringlets that fell around my shoulders.
"You clean up nice, Bella Swan," I thought to myself. "Real fucking nice."
Jake was sitting on my bed, suited and booted and ready to go, grimacing the whole way through my tale of who Garrett was and how he and Edward met. He ran his hands over his face, took a deep breath and stood. "Look, Bella. I didn't wanna say anything until now, but - Christ - do you think you could stop talking about him for a minute? You're making me feel spiteful over here." He started laughing awkwardly, trying to avoid confrontation if at all possible.
"Spiteful?" I asked. My gaze shifted north and met his through the mirror. "About what?"
"It's starting to sound like all you do down there is go to class and party with Edward."
Sounds about right. "No, I do other things," I protested casually. "I like hanging out with Victoria and Ang, too."
"But all you ever talk about is him."
"That's not all I talk about."
"Seems like it. I'm just getting tired of hearing how my buddy is trying to move in on my territory."
I started laughing and rolled my eyes nonchalantly. "I thought you were cool with my hanging out with him."
"Yeah - but not all the time."
"I can assure you. He's not trying to move in on anything."
"You know-" He came up and wrapped his arms around me from behind. "You're a terrible liar." Jake kissed the nape of my neck and looked down at his watch. "Oh, shit. We gotta go. It's already eight o'clock."
"Fuck." I threw on my peacoat and bolted downstairs, grabbing my present for Alice on the way. We'd done our secret santa again this year, and, luckily, I pulled the Animal Rights Activist. I adopted a wolf in her name from Defenders of Wildlife. Turns out, fifteen dollars buys a wolf protection from extinction for a whole year. But the look on an animal lovers face when she opens the symbolic plush toy? Priceless. For Jake, I'd made an IOU. He'd once asked for naked pictures of me. Maybe this was the year I delivered.
Once we said our goodbyes to Charlie, who was headed out to work, we headed down the street to Rose's house, which was directly in the middle of the cau-de-sac. Jake grabbed my hand and looked over at me lovingly while I rang the door bell.
"Hey, guys," Rose answered, done up to the nines in a beautiful red gown with red lipstick that matched. By semi-formal, she must have meant completely formal. She looked like she was headed to the ball. She wrapped her arms around Jake's shoulders and pulled him into a hug, giving him a kiss on the cheek before gesturing him to walk in around her. Then, she turned to me. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and leaned in close to my ear. "Edward isn't coming," she whispered.
"What? Why?"
She pulled back and shrugged, raising her eyebrows like she was suggesting I should be the one to know.
"Rose, I haven't talked to him since we've been back."
"Do you think that might have anything to do with it?" She wasn't really asking so much as accusing.
Alright. Point taken.
I pursed my lips and took a step inside, instantly greeted by Emmett who wrapped those giant arms around me and picked me up into a bear hug. "Bells!" he shouted. "I'm glad you could make it."
"Wouldn't miss it."
"How the hell are ya?"
"At the moment?" I sputtered. "Suffocating."
He laughed and put me down before walking over to Jake, lifting him up into the very same bear hug as he'd done to me.
"Whoa!" Jake exclaimed. "You wanna do that, you gotta' take me to dinner first."
Then I saw Alice and Jasper and made my way over to them. It was honestly great to see those two still happy with one another. Strange to think that they'd be married in just a short year or two. What an idiotic idea, getting married before you're even able to drink at your own wedding. But whatevs. Not my wasted youth.
Speaking of wasted youth, I scanned Rose's first floor and met eyes with Tanya Reynolds, who was standing at the far edge of the living room, champagne in one hand and an unlit cigarette in the other. She tipped her glass above her head, swallowed the rest of the bubbly and sneered at me, tucking the smoke between her lips.
She actually - sneered - at me. The bitch. She sighed at her empty drink and sauntered through the dining room to the kitchen and out the back door.
Part of me wanted to call her out on her audacity. But I deserved her anger, didn't I? I'd stolen her man, accidentally as it may have been.
No, fuck that. I wanted to think. I had nothing to do with it. Except, I knew that wasn't the truth.
God, she looked, well, miserable. She'd lost a lotof weight, even though she was petite before, and had these really big, puffy bags under her eyes. More than that, she looked like she was amounting to nothing more than a fraction of the person who she used to be, and that must have drove her crazy. Her dress was wrinkled and stained, her hair sort of twisted on top of her head in every which way. She looked like she simply didn't care anymore. And that was sad. Just because I thought her and Edward were bad together didn't mean I wanted absolute misery for her.
It wasn't until dinner was served that she even had the nerve to look at me again. Everyone sat in their normal spots, with the exception of the chair to my right at the end of the table that Edward typically occupied. The fact that it was enormously empty was the only thing I could seem to focus on. His absence haunted me. I found myself aching to know where he was, what he was doing, why he felt it necessary to ditch me tonight. Hell, he might have been the reason I went all out on my make up and outfit. I'd sort of wanted to look cute for him, and yet - he wasn't even here to appreciate it.
x
After Rose said her prayer and started cutting the ham, Alice broke the silence first. "Why is it always ham? Why not tofu or, at least, turkey?" she groaned, taking a biscuit and passing the plate to Jasper.
"Turkey's for Thanksgiving," Emmett explained, scooping some mashed potatoes onto his plate. "You can't have Turkey for Christmas, too."
"Definitely not Tofu," Jake interjected. "It tastes like shit."
Alice crossed her arms and eyed him incredulously. "That's because you've never had it cooked right."
"No, that's because it's trying to be something it's not. It so desperately wants to be meat, but it just isn't, no matter how it's cooked," Jake added with a laugh.
"So it's kinda like your dick, huh?" Emmett teased.
"Haha, fuck you," Jake retorted, shooting his middle finger in the air at Emmett.
"There's some left over spaghetti in the fridge from last night, Alice. The meatballs are big enough to pick out, if you're interested," Rose suggested. She shrugged and got up, deciding to search the kitchen for something more vegetarian.
"Every year with this shit," Jake teased. "Just eat the damn meat."
"That's what she said," Emmett joked, and Jake started cracking up again.
"She takes it pretty seriously," Jasper added, ignoring Emmett and Jake all together. "It's respectable."
"Oh, yeah?" Emmett asked. "Then, why aren't you following her into the kitchen for some noodles and Prego?"
"Please," Jasper jested, taking a giant slab of ham. "I can't possibly be that respectable. Isn't in my protocol."
Jake and Emmett laughed while I grabbed my share of the poor-defenseless Pig and started to chow down.
"So, I heard you're riding the bench with your scholarship," Jake asked Emmett, changing the subject completely. "What's that like?"
"I'm a freshman. Of course I'm riding the bench. I won't get any playtime until next year - maybe. But it's good, ya' know. I'm getting a free education and everything."
"What's your major?"
"Right now, it's Business, but I might switch to Pre-Law," Emmett said while he chewed on a piece of ham.
"Hey, let me know if you decide to do that," Alice suddenly spoke up, trotting back into the room with her spaghetti bowl. "My dad could give you some good references in Maryland. He goes to DC a lot. Practically knows everyone."
"That'd be great," Emmett said, obviously flattered that Alice would do that for him.
"And, what about you two?" I suddenly spoke up. "Decide on a date yet?"
"Yeah, right now it's April 25, 2007," Alice announced, wrapping her hand over Jaspers on the table. "But that might change. It depends on how much money we can save between now and then."
Suddenly, Tanya stood and walked around the table to the sliding glass door leading to the patio. I supposed she was heading to have a cigarette outside, and once I saw the spark of her lighter, my suspicions were confirmed. I glanced at her plate - practically no food at all. Yet she continued to suck down that champagne like Judy Gardener on a bad day.
"You told your parents yet?" I replied.
They both shook their heads nervously.
"Uh huh. Bet that will go over well." I snorted a laugh.
"I'll be lucky if her father doesn't shoot me," Jasper added.
"Or think you knocked her up," Jake cut in.
"That too," Alice agreed.
"Wow. 2007 huh? That's great." I scooped some corn into my mouth. "Really great."
Alice nodded.
"Soo -" Rose started, her tone coy and nonchalant. "Who's in the party?"
Alice smiled anxiously, like she had been waiting for that question all night. "Well, you two lovely ladies and Tanya, of course, and my cousin, Jane," she said, twirling some spaghetti on her spoon.
"And what about the men?" Emmett added in a voice that mocked Rose's.
"Well, there's my cousin, Demetri, and my sister, Maria. I was thinking -" Jasper teased.
Emmett picked up his napkin and threw it at him. "Don't be a dick."
"Well, you of course, asswipe," Jasper finally answered. "And Edward, too. Jake, if you can be there, great. If not, I understand."
"I'll try my best, my friend. No guarantees."
"Well I'm gonna need one by April, you understand?" Alice chastised. "I need to make plans - arrangements. I need to find someone else if you can't make it."
Tanya came back in and passed by me again. God, she stank. She reeked of booze and old smoke and - Chanel No.5. I actually felt a little sorry for her. Poor girl was breaking down, practically on the verge of losing it. Giving her a once over, I wondered when was the last time she showered, because, damn, she needed it.
"What about the honeymoon?" Rose urged, shoveling a spoonful of mashed potatoes into her mouth and redirecting my attention back to the conversation.
"We're hoping for Cancun, but we'll settle for San Diego," Jasper explained.
"Cancun would be awesome," I spoke up, trying to get my mind off Tanya. "You guys'll have so much fun. I'm jealous of you already."
"Yeah," Alice said dreamily. "But enough about me. What about you? How's Stanford? Do anything fun?"
"Save all the X-Rated stuff for when Jake leaves," Rose teased with a wink.
"Stanford is - well, Stanford's great," I answered, wishing my capillaries weren't so damned close to my skin. I couldn't help but blush. Rose had no idea how close she'd come to hitting the nail on the head.
"How's Angela Webber?" Jasper mused, eyeing Emmett comically while the sentence poured off his lips.
"Oh, c'mon, man," Emmett groaned. "That was tenth grade."
Jasper raised his hands in surrender, stifling what was sure to be a loud chuckle. "I'm just saying."
"Yeah -" I continued, refusing to acknowledge their debauchery. "Ang is really awesome. I'm lucky to have her as a roommate." Even though I never saw her.
I had intended to tell them all about our first night there and how she'd ended up with Edward's roommate, but I was strangely interrupted by the dry cackle of Tanya's evil laughter. She threw down her fork and wiped her mouth on her napkin. "You're kidding me, right?"
"What?" I snapped.
"What's your problem, Tanya? Just because -" Jasper began.
"She didn't tell you, did she?" Tanya looked at Jake and then averted her dagger gaze back to me. "No, of course she didn't."
"Tell me what?" Jake asked, his voice rife with concern. It was almost like he knew what was coming. My hand tightened around my fork, my heart fluttered in my chest. I was sure my cheeks were red as all hell, the traitor tint only confirming everything she was about to accuse me of doing. She was going to blow the lid right off my shit - and she was going to do it here and now. "Bella, what's she talking about?"
"Yeah, Tanya. What are you talking about?" Emmett interrupted, his tone harsh - almost to the point of snarling. There was something in his eyes - something I could only guess at. It suggested he also knew where this was headed.
Tanya looked right at Jake and smiled. "The first night they were at college, Angela met this kid Ben, who turned out to be Edward's roommate, and they went back to his room. Guess where Edward ended up? Snuggling your perfect little girlfriend over there. Rumor has it, he's been keeping her warm all semester long."
FUCK!
Oh God, shut up. Please, just shut the fuck up.
My heart pounded my chest, the fast pulse resonating through my eardrums. The world started spinning faster and faster.
"Tanya, stop it," was all I could think to mutter.
How in the hell did she know? Who in krikey fuck told her?
"Somebody's cut off," Jasper tried to say from next to her, reaching in for her champagne glass.
But she tugged away from him and persisted nonetheless. "Isn't that right, Bella? And he slept there just about every night, didn't he?" Her gaze fell to Jake and, smirking, she took another sip of her champagne. "That's why he broke up with me. That's why he's not here right now," she continued. "But don't worry though - she won't break up with you. She just likes the attention too damned much. She teases him, Jake. And he just can't stand the sight of you here with her." Tanya winked and that heinous evil cackle fell from her lips again. "She's dangling him along - Just like she's doing to you."
At this moment, I had a Mean-Girls-esque daydream of flying across the table and taking this bitch down - animal kingdom style. That's how we did it in the caveman days, that's how our ancestors settled shit like this. I'd wear her eyeballs as earrings and her skin as a bonafide Tanya suit. In this moment, I hated her; I despised her. And now, I wanted to kill her.
My cheeks flushed and burned, and my lips tightened. Tears welled in the corners of my eyes, but not because I was sad. I was so angry, I couldn't even see straight. The worst part about it all was the fact that she was right. The cunt was right about everything. I had a huge, nagging suspicion that this was exactly why Edward wasn't here tonight.
"Fuck. You." I snarled, my voice shaking with fury.
"You ruined my life. How's it feel?"
"No," I started, as calmly as I could be. "You fucking paranoid psycho. You ruined your own life."
"Then deny it."
Touche, bitch.
With this, I stood and pressed my hands into the table, casually leaning in closer to her. "You wanna know why he broke up with you? The real reason?" She rolled her eyes and pursed her lips in defiance. "Being around you is like walking on the thinnest glass in the world. One wrong step and the whole fucking world falls out from under your damned feet. You used to be pretty to look at, but now that you've shot that to shit, you're not much fun at all." I squared my jaw, preparing for what was coming next. It was gonna be low, but fuck it. I didn't care anymore. "By the way, you smell like a cheap whore. Consider a shower." I gave her the finger and threw the plush wolf in Alice's direction. "I adopted a wolf for you. Name it something interesting." Then, I promptly marched out of the dining room and right through the front door.
"Bella," Jake called after me. I kept walking.
Something propelled me forward. I just had to get out of there. Whether it was embarrassment or anger or plain frustration with the whole situation, I couldn't stand to be around her anymore. I couldn't stand to be around any of them.
"Bella," Jake called again.
It wasn't long before I felt his firm grip wrap around my arm to stop me and whip me around to face him. We were in the middle of the Cau-de-sac, Edward's house to my right, Jake's to my left and mine directly behind me.
"Can you just calm down for a second?" he murmured.
"What? I'm totally calm," I lied, my voice quivering with rage. "Calm as a Hindu cow."
"You've always been a horrible liar. Can you - C'mon; here." He pulled me over to my house and up the steps to the swing on my porch. I sat and folded my hands in my lap, desperately attempting to stop them from shaking. I couldn't.
All I could think about was the various ways to kill her. Poisoning would be too obvious, what with forensics being what it is today. Guns and knives are too messy, and arson would take her innocent sisters down with her. That wasn't right. They weren't entirely pleasant, but she was the Queen bitch and it was her I wanted dead. On second thought, would the world really miss two younger versions of Tanya Reynolds? In that case, fire would be the most fitting.
God.
What would Edward do when this got back to him? How'd she even find out about our sleeping together in the first place? Did he tell her? Did Ang? What. The. Fuck?
Jake sighed, ran his hand over the back of his buzzed hair and pushed the swing back and forth. I looked over to him and frowned. My anger for Tanya paled in comparison to what he must be going through.
"Is any of that true?" he finally muttered, glancing up to timidly meet my gaze.
A single tear fell down my cheek and I took a deep breath. In true Washington winter fashion, I exhaled and saw my breath like smoke in front of me. I couldn't answer. What would I say? I couldn't lie to him, not about something like this, not about infidelity. And I couldn't very well tell him the truth. The image of Jake marching right across the street and pulling Edward out of his house by his shirt suddenly plagued my thoughts. I wasn't sure I was up for a UFC competition in the middle of Locust Court right then and there.
The cops would get called, my dad would show up, I'd have to explain how it all went down - and Daddy didn't need to know his little girl was out getting dry humped by the kid across street in addition to getting plowed by his best friends son. "That's right, Dad. Your little girl's a big ole' slut." In his eyes, I would be a virgin until I got married, and he didn't care to know otherwise.
"Christ, Bella. It's true, isn't it?" He shook his head, slammed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead anxiously. "How often? How many times?"
"I never slept with him Jake," I furiously explained. "I mean, we never fucked."
"Yeah, but the other stuff," Jake snarled, looking back at me. His eyes were frightening, angry, an expression I'd all but forgotten. It was rare that Jake got upset with me for any reason. But tonight, pissed was an understatement. Livid probably didn't even come close. Jake was almost a completely different person. "How often did he stay with you?" he growled.
More tears fell. I took a deep breath and looked down to my lap, avoiding his incredulous glare. "More often than not."
"In the same bed?"
I nodded once.
Jake stood, taking a few steps forward to the ledge of my porch. He put his hands on it shoulder width apart and leaned against the sturdy wood, his head drooping between his arms. "You never fucked him. Did you do other things?"
"Other things?" I asked quietly.
"Yeah, other things." When I didn't immediately answer, he pushed farther. "Did you suck his dick, Bella?"
I was almost offended by his question. As much as I may or may not have wanted to, I never went that far and was a little repulsed that Jake would think so low of me. But, then again, here we were, having this argument, so I suppose that question wasn't too far out of bounds, was it? "Jake, -" I started, my voice shaky and weak.
"Did you, Bella? Tell me," Jake roared, his tone nasty and wild. "At least tell me if you spit or swallowed. That way I know what kind of whore he turned you into."
"No, Jake! I didn't blow him! I didn't do anything with him," I shouted, abruptly standing. My hand was poised to slap him. I would have too if he hadn't deflated completely at my outburst. I lied. I don't know why or what possessed me to do it - but Edward and I had told each other that night never happened. I wanted it to be true. I needed to be true. And so I lied to Jake. It was the only time I ever did. "I'm not a fucking whore. And if you wanna take the word of that spiteful bitch over mine, you can just go the fuck home. In fact, I think I want you to regardless. I don't wanna be around you anymore tonight."
While I knew Jake and I were over at the end of winter, I also knew that I didn't want to lose him before then, and I definitely didn't want him to hate me. I didn't want us to end like this. I didn't want Tanya to get the satisfaction of seeing Jake and I break up. But, I couldn't stand to be around him after he'd talked to me like that.
All was silent for what seemed like an eternity. He didn't move. I didn't move. Then, we saw Alice and Jasper leave Rose's house and hop into Jaspers old ass Honda CRX. Sure, he could have afforded something a little nicer, but he loved that little beater POS. Who was anyone to take it away from him? The happy couple waved as they passed us. I waved back. Jake grimaced.
"Why didn't you tell me -" Jake finally sputtered. "-before?"
I wiped the tears off my cheek and sighed. "Didn't think it was that important."
"Let me ask you this. Would you want me -?" Then, something stopped him. He never finished; he just frowned and walked down the stairs of my porch. At the bottom step, he put his hands in his pockets and cleared his throat. "Does he love you?"
My head snapped up. "What?"
"Does he love you?" Jake was absolutely defeated; he couldn't even bare to look at me while he asked.
"How the hell should I know?"
"Do you love him?"
It was incredibly obvious how I felt. He knew it. I knew it. Edward knew it. I couldn't hide it anymore. So, instead of saving face, I slowly whimpered, "Not as much as I love you."
Jake nodded, his facing twisting into a pained wince, and he trailed across the space connecting our yards. There was a small flicker in the back of my mind telling me to call out to him. But I'd hurt him, and he'd hurt me. We needed space. His leaving tonight was probably for the best. The door of his house closing behind him was the loudest thing I'd ever heard. It echoed in the back of my head like a gunshot. I wanted to be so angry with him. I wanted to make all of this his fault somehow. But it wasn't. It was all mine. I deserved tonight.
I probably should have gone after him; made him berate me so that I felt worse about what I'd done. But I didn't. Perhaps I didn't think it worth the battle. Maybe we were supposed to split up right now. Maybe I wasn't as upset about that as I should have been. I thought about rap-tap-tapping on Edward's door. Just imagine the way he would look when he answered, all surprised and excited. He wouldn't be expecting me, but my presence would light up his world, the way his always did for me.
I didn't know how long I'd been sitting there, but eventually, the tears stopped coming and my hands stopped all that shaking nonsense. It was terrible to say, but Jake's absence felt like such a relief. And if that was the case, why did I lie to him? Why didn't I just flat out tell him what was going on between Edward and I? I should have done it right after he asked if I blew him. Jake would have said "Did you suck his cock?" And I would have been like "No, but he fucked me against a wall and I came harder than I ever have before." What's done is done, huh? We always think of the right thing to say long after we've said the wrong.
It seemed like no matter what I tried or how I went about it, I was constantly kicking myself in the ass.
I looked at the empty driveway, almost angry that Charlie had taken the Christmas Eve shift. Here I was, all alone in this big empty house. If my father had been home, I'd be able to go inside and forget about all of this by watching whatever football/hockey/ baseball/basketball thing he had on. I'd be able to zone out with the pleasant company that my quiet father brought. Holidays were supposed to be about being with the ones you loved, right? Well, two of them were pissed off at me and the other was a workaholic.
Where did that leave me? Sitting on my porch alone on Christmas Eve with no coat on, apparently.
I sat out there for what seemed like hours, pushing the swing back and forth and back and forth. It was freezing, of course, and there was about two feet of snow on the ground, but the cold felt refreshing. It was eye opening, reminding me that this was, in fact, reality and California was still three weeks away. I was lost in my own thoughts, staring at the spot where Jake had been leaning against the porch.
"Hey," came a voice from the sidewalk. I looked up at Rose, holding a bottle of Jack Daniels and my coat. She'd pulled her hair back into a ponytail and thrown on her pajamas and boots before heading over. "You're gonna catch pneumonia," she chastised.
"Does it matter?"
She shrugged and took another step closer, pulling her coat a little tighter around her body and offering mine with her extended arm. "Alone on Christmas Eve?"
I nodded.
"Me too." She looked over to Emmett's house and sighed. "Emmett had some things to do before his mom came to visit tomorrow, so - he went home."
I nodded again, returning my attention to the empty spot in front of me.
"My parents are in Boca," she explained, climbing the stairs to my porch. "Wanna get drunk?"
Pursing my lips, I looked up at her and smiled. "Ya know, Rose - I'd say I loved too, but I don't think that would quite cut it."
She tilted her head to the inside of my house and opened the door to walk in. "C'mon. You and I got some talking to do."
Following her up the stairs to my room, I smirked at how far we'd come from the nine year old little kids that used to race up and down these very same set of steps. Rose had lost the braces and the pigtails, and I'd grown an ass and a set of tits, but here we were, getting drunk on Christmas Eve, all alone, together. She plopped down on my bed and pulled two shot glasses out of the pocket on her coat, setting them on my bedside table. I sat down next to her and smiled as she poured the whiskey, handing my shot over to me.
"To shitty friends and Christmas' alone," Rose teased, raising her glass in the air.
I laughed and tapped hers with mine. "To shitty friends and Christmas' alone."
Fighting the burn that Jack always brought, I swallowed the shot and sat the glass back down on the table.
"Ahh," she gasped. "That'll warm you up, huh?"
I agreed and realized I was still in my dinner dress. Standing, I crossed the room to my dresser, found a pair of sweatpants and a teeshirt, and slinked my way out of the gown.
"So, um," Rose started.
Undoing my bra, I threw it to the side and lifted my teeshirt over my head. "Yeah?"
"I'm sorry about tonight - the whole Tanya thing," she said, pulling one of my pillows into her lap.
"Dude, it wouldn't be Christmas if she didn't get pissed off about something, or start some huge fight with someone." I pulled on the sweatpants and walked back over to the bed. "She's just a pain in the ass."
"Bells, I hate to ask but I'm nosy as shit and I gotta know. Is what she said true?"
"Edward and I?"
She nodded.
"No," I said dismissively, shaking my head.
"Look," Rose stammered, pouring us another set of shots. "Hearing that Edward had broken up with her was like music to my ears - sweet, sweet fucking music. She -" Rose finished hers and set the glass back down. "She's a raving fucking lunatic."
I laughed. "I wish I could tell you that she was right. But I ca -"
"Edward's changed. He's different. You're different," Rose interrupted. "Something happened at college, Bella. I don't know what it is, but believe you me, whatever it is - I'll sniff it out."
"What are you talking about? I'm not any different, I'm not different at all," I stammered. "What do you mean, he's different?"
"Well, for starters, he's quiet, distant -" she elaborated. "- Promiscuous. He's out drinking every night and bringing back these . . . girls." She erupted into laughter."Hell, I don't know. Some of them might still be in high school. He came home with Jessica Stanley the other night."
"No way," I murmured awkwardly, even though my inner jealous animal was about to bust through the surface. I knew where that bitch lived, I'd seen where her parents slept at night, I'd fuck her whole world up -
Rose eyed me up and down, and I let go of the death grip on my shot glass, forcing the Jack Daniels to the back of my mouth and down my throat. That burning sting I just mentioned was noticeably absent in my frustration. Pretending to laugh, I forced something through my lips that sounded like Tanya's dry cackle earlier tonight.
"What the fuck was that?" she teased. "Was that a laugh?"
"I think so," I answered coyly, nodding my head.
"Okay." Her eyes narrowed suspiciously before she continued. "Jessica Stanley hasn't changed one bit. She's still all 'Like-Oh-my-god-so-totally.' I wanted to punch her in the face. You know, I heard she gave Mike Newton crabs. Gross, huh?"
"Figures. What was she doing with Edward?"
"Giving him the ole' rub and tug, I imagine. She's annoying, but she's still got a hole for him to shove it in."
I chuckled at her frankness.
"Emmett said Edward likes to shove it in her mouth to get her to shut the fuck up," Rose added, laughing hysterically. "'Course I imagine he'd have to do that if he didn't want to get crabs."
I winced. Sure, Jessica Stanley was one of those girls who loved to talk just to hear herself speak. (God, she never shut up. EVER.) But picturing Edward shoving his cock in her mouth was not something I particularly wanted floating around in my mind. It just made me wanna rip every last piece of hair out of her scrawny head. In clumps. I faked another laugh at Rose's comment.
"God, there it was again." She leaned in close to me and inhaled deeply through her nose. "Jealousy. Definitely jealousy."
At first, I thought she was kidding, and she might have been, but the look on my face made the whole thing serious.
"Oh, God, Bella," she hissed. "It's true, isn't it? You fucked Edward?"
"No," I immediately rebutted. "No, we didn't fuck."
"Then, you blew him?"
"Why does everyone go there next?"
She raised an expectant eyebrow at me.
"No. I didn't blow him," I whined.
"What, then?" Rose's face was an urgent mix of excitement and anxiety. She wanted the fucking details, and she wanted them now. Then, as if there was a giant lightbulb above her head, her expression twisted into profound recollection. "Christ! It's you!" She took a deep breath as the thought fully dawned on her. "He's hung up on you. That's why he's out fucking the whole goddamned town. That's why he's quiet and distant. He's heartbroken.'
I froze. I didn't want to either confirm nor deny her allegation. I was pleading the fifth - and standing my ground.
"Oh, shit. It is! Oh My God!" Rose lifted her hands to her face and gasped. "You little slutty slut slut. How was it? Was it fabulous? The Cullen's are generous lovers, not that I would know personally about Edward or Carlisle, but from what Esme tells me -"
"Ahh!" I interrupted, playfully covering my ears with my hands. "I didn't fuck him, Rose."
"Then, what did you do?" When I didn't immediately answer, she took another swig from her Jack Daniels and shot me a glare. "Oh God Bella - what did you do?" Her voice lowered.
"I can't - I can't really tell you," I insisted, gulping the entirety of my shot in one swallow. "Technically, it didn't really happen."
"So something did happen?"
"No. No, it didn't. Nothing did."
Rose grabbed that pillow she was playing with and smacked me on the shoulder with it. "Bella. You have to tell me."
"Why? Edward and I aren't getting together or anything. And I'm not breaking up with Jake." I stood, realizing just how hard three shots of Jack Daniels will hit ya right behind the knees, and wobbled over to the bedroom door. "I'm gonna go get some beer. You want one?" I saw this as my only opportunity to escape the conversation. I wanted her to get distracted, to ADD herself right on to a different subject. After I'd stolen two of Charlie's Coors Light out of the fridge and gone back upstairs, I realized how desperate that wish really was.
She acted like the whole evasion technique hadn't even happened. She grabbed her beer, cracked the lid and asked, "Why wouldn't you break up with Jake for Edward?" before taking a giant swig.
Rolling my eyes, I took a sip from mine and sat down on the floor next to my dresser. "Because -" I started. "Angry as I may be with him right now, I honestly love Jake."
Rose smirked and shook her head. "I have a confession to make."
"Oh yeah?" I snorted.
"Emmett knows what you and Edward did. He told him."
Even though it felt like a slug to the gut, I sort of saw it coming. In all honesty, I'd known at dinner when Emmett started to stand up for me. Emmett and Edward rarely kept anything from each other. They were twins; should I have expected anything different? "I figured."
"But he won't tell me."
My head snapped up at that. It was pretty much assumed that once Emmett knew something, Rose knew it as well. She had a knack for getting anything out of anyone she wanted, and Emmett had one big weakness located right between his legs. Anything Rose wanted, Emmett gave. "Why not?"
"Says it's not my business," Rose explained, rolling her eyes at the, in her opinion, absolute lunacy of that statement.
"He's probably right, you know."
"That's one of the reasons I came over tonight. Bella, I just gotta know."
"Why?" I whined.
"Because -" Rose smirked and eyed me shyly. "I would absolutely love it if you and Edward started dating."
I threw the pillow back at her. "Selfish. What about Jake?"
"What about Jake?" She argued, throwing the pillow back at me. "He's shipping off to Bumblefuck desert on the other side of the world. Where does that leave you?"
"Single. We're breaking up at the end of winter."
"Why hold it off?"
I shrugged. "I don't wanna lose him. It hurts too much to think about."
"You lost him back in June, and that hurt. I was there. But you got through it - rather well from what Emmett tells me."
I pursed my lips at that statement. "What exactly has Emmett told you?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Ohhh Quid Pro Quo - now who's the nosey one?"
"I'll tell you if you tell me," I bargained.
"Tell me first. What did you do? What happened?"
In my partially intoxicated state, I somehow lost my inhibitions. She'd pulled them right out from under me and I was powerless to stop it. Perhaps I was tired of carrying the burden alone, perhaps I wanted Rose's input, maybe I really wanted to know what Edward had told Emmett. Whatever the case, my lips started moving and the story poured right out of them. "She was correct, on all accounts. We spent pretty much the entire semester together." I took a gigantic sip of my beer. "And she was right about him sleeping in my bed. It felt - Well - It wasn't quite as lonely. We were best friends, the same as we'd always been, ya' know? Then, one night, things were getting a little heated between us, like kissing and groping, and then Jake called."
Rose gasped and covered her mouth with her hand, those beautiful blue eyes popping open as wide as they would go.
"What was I supposed to do?" I continued. "I'd been waiting for that call for months. So I answered it. Edward and I sort of . . . got into a fight about it and he didn't talk to me for a little while. On Halloween, we saw each other at the same party and fought some more and he said something about Jake not deserving me and I asked him what he would do if I broke up with him. That's when it happened. He picked me up and practically fucked me against the wall."
She was quiet for a few seconds, the pause pregnant with her exuberance. She was literally bursting at the seams. "Wait a minute - Practically?"
"He didn't actually fuck me."
"So you dry humped?"
My cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Christ. Thinking about it happening was bad enough, and now that I was actually talking about it with someone, well, it made it feel that much more real. It had happened. I couldn't ignore it anymore. It was the first time I'd admitted it to anyone, including Ang and Victoria. And I was mortified. "I suppose."
At first, she seemed speechless, staring at me with her mouth gaping open. Then she blinked a few times and laughed. "Wow," she finally exclaimed.
"Wow?" My eyebrows bounced up expectantly. "That's all you can say?"
"I'm just -" She shook her head as if shaking herself back to reality. "I'm impressed."
"What do you mean impressed?"
"He didn't fuck you, Bella. He - wow - he must really care about you."
I rolled my eyes and faked-gagged. "He's out fucking Jessica Stanley and other potentially underage tramps. He doesn't give a shit about me."
"Yeah, just like you don't give a shit about him."
"I don't."
"LIAR!" she shouted, imitating the witch from Princess Bride. "LII-AARR!"
I licked my lips and giggled. "Besides, what kind of society do we live in where a guy only fucks the girls he doesn't like?"
"Um, twenty first century America? Dumb, isn't it?"
"Oh, the folly of the modern male," I added with a chuckle, which induced a snort from Rose as well. "Right, well. I've confessed my sins. Now you."
"When Emmett told me Edward wasn't coming to the party, I asked him why, of course, and he said that it had something to do with you, but couldn't say what. Which was stupid of him, I mean - Of course, that's only going to make me want to probe him for more information. I've been saying you guys should get together for ages now, so when Emmett said it had something to do with you, I pulled out all the shots to bribe him to tell me. I even offered him anal. Fucker wouldn't budge."
"Ew," I added casually.
But Rose ignored that outburst, just kept going along with her story. "Eventually, he said that something happened between you two - something monumental - something he thought was too crazy to talk about, but made up for why Edward wouldn't come. Then, Emmett told me that a few nights after you got home, he walked in on Edward staring out his window. Emmett asked him what he was doing and he shrugged him off, acted like it was nothing."
"So?"
"Bella, he was watching you sleep."
I winced.
"And theeennn," Rose continued with exasperation. "Tanya came over one night and tried to be all "Oh, Edward come back to me. Please. I'll suck your dick," and Edward pushed her away, kicked her ass to the curb. That's why she wigged out on you tonight." I was about to chastise Rose for sticking up for her, when Rose cut me off. "NOT that she had any right. I'm just sayin'. Anyway, he promptly threw on his coat and headed out to the bar. Didn't see him before I went to bed at two." She sighed and ran her hand over her face.
There was a silence between us that seemed to drag, both unsure of what to say next. Edward apparently had been greatly effected by what happened between us, much more so than he led me to believe. Had he been heart broken this whole time and didn't have the balls to tell me? Or had he felt like my decision not to break up with Jake was like me choosing the Marine over him? Having Rose tell me this broke something inside of me, something that needed Edward to repair itself.
Eventually, she chugged back the rest of her beer and crushed the can between her fingers, throwing into my trashcan. Then she looked at me expectantly, like she wanted me to respond to what she'd just said. So I did. "I can't break it off with Jake and start dating Edward. Can you imagine how bad that would hurt him? I don't wanna do that. He means too much to me."
Rose pursed her lips and ran her hands through her hair nervously. "Well - fuck."
"Fuck indeed."
"Bella, don't tell Emmett I told you any of this. He limits the things he tells me about his brother because he knows I'll tell you."
"So, that wasn't all Edward told him?"
"Not in the least. Lord only knows what's going on in that house right now after Tanya's little outburst tonight."
"Hmm. Wanna see?"
I stood and made my way over to the window, pulling up the blinds. I knelt on the ground and pointed to the top room on the left. Rose came and leaned over my shoulder from behind. "That one's Edward," I started. Then I pointed to the top right. "That's Carlisle." Making my way down, I pointed at each window on the ground level. "Living room, fancy dining room."
"So - let me get this straight." Rose cleared her throat and then choked a giggle. "You and Edward have spent the last four years being able to see right into each other's bedroom?"
I took a deep breath and sighed. If she only knew the half of it. "Something like that," I murmured.
"Uh huh," she replied, giving me a look that said I'd better come clean with her soon enough.
"What?" I retorted. "Just because we can see into each other's bedroom doesn't mean we do."
"Last year when we had secret Santa, Edward said he pulled you. Obviously, he didn't give you a present before Tanya stormed out and you never mentioned him giving you anything either. Then, right around New Years, Carlisle took Emmett and Edward's credit cards away because one of them made a purchase from and said they were over 18, when they weren't. I know it wasn't Emmett, though Carlisle suspected he made the dildo for me to deal with his move to Maryland. And I know Tanya didn't get anything like that, the girl can hardly put a tampon in without feeling disgusted with herself."
Busted.
"That wouldn't have had anything to do with you, would it?" That Rose. Ever the perceptive little brat.
"No - Of course not," I lied through my teeth.
"Uh huh. And you just magically have a purple dildo buried in the back of your underwear drawer in a Create-a-Mate box?"
Scowling, I hit her arm and hissed, "Why are you snooping in my things?"
"I was looking for a pair of socks," she answered innocently, gesturing down to her feet.
I was actually pretty embarrassed, almost too shocked to form a reply. I knelt there staring at her, my mouth practically scraping the carpet. Catching flies - that's what my dad would have said right now. "It's not Edward's," I sputtered.
"It's not Jake."
"Okay, lots of things wrong with that sentence. A - how do you know what Jake's . . . mate looks like? B - How do you know enough about Edward's to say that it's his? And C - Why didn't you just ask me for a pair of socks? Or waited until I came back?"
"A -" she retorted in a mocking tone. "Remember that time I caught you two fucking in Mike Newton's parent's bedroom?"
"If only I could forget," I snorted.
"I always remember a pretty dick," Rose added playfully. "B - I do spend pretty much every waking moment at Edwards. Why do you think I haven't walked in on him whacking it in the bathroom or something? And I revert back to my previous answer. I always remember a pretty dick. And C - I didn't know you'd be hiding a replica of Edward's cock in the back of your underwear drawer. You've never had a problem with me borrowing your clothes before. I figured, 'Eh, what's a pair of socks?'"
"It's not Edward's," I reiterated in a snarl.
"Right, of course not," she sarcastically responded, throwing her hands up in surrender. Then, she stood and walked back to my bed, crawling under the covers as she padded the spot next to her. I groaned and took one last look at Edward's empty room before pulling the blinds back down and begrudgingly walking over to the bed.
"Don't say anything about what I told you, huh?" I demanded. "Especially not about - Dante."
Rose started cracking up. "Oh, God! It has a name?"
"Inside joke."
"Uh huh. Well, I won't say anything," she promised, adding a little cross of her fingers over her heart. "Are you gonna tell Jake?"
I climbed onto the mattress next to her and ruffled the pillows under my head. "Haven't decided yet."
She finished off the rest of my beer and flicked the lights. "Make me a promise."
"Anything for you." And suddenly, the beautiful Rose before me was the thirteen year old version of herself, braces and everything. This was what we used to do when we were little, lay in bed together in the dark and talk and giggle our way through the night. Until Charlie would come in and tell us to go to sleep.
"Don't ever let me spend another Christmas Eve alone," she muttered. "And I promise I'll never let you be alone either."
I smiled. "I promise."
"Oh, Oh, Wait." She started laughing and grabbed onto my hands in the dark. "Make me another promise."
"What? What?"
"When you do eventually hook up with Edward, promise to call me first."
I started cracking up and pushed her hands back. "Not gonna happen."
"Of course it's gonna happen. It's already happening. Just you wait and see. I give it less than two years. In fact, by this time next year, something serious will have happened between the two of you. Maybe not sex, but the feelings will be there for sure."
When we finally stopped laughing, I sighed and continued. "That night - we don't talk about it. It never happened. And from this point on, you don't talk about it either. Got it?"
"Yeah, yeah, I got it. But even you have to admit, it's incredibly obvious, Bella. You two make so much sense."
"Yeah, maybe," I mumbled, clutching onto the heart pendant Jake had given me last year for Christmas. "Maybe in another life."
All was silent for about two minutes before Rose started giggling like a little kid again and asked, "What do you think Santa will bring you for Christmas tomorrow?"
"Ugh - hopefully, a new sex toy," I said impulsively.
Then, I immediately regretted saying anything at all because Rose, without missing a beat, gasped and shouted. "Oh My God! You've used it?"
I just started snickering and rolled over to my other side. "Good night, Rose."
"That's like - That's like almost having sex with him."
"And that right there is the epitome of my relationship with Edward. Almost. We're almost everything and almost nothing all at the same time." And as I fell miserably into unconsciousness, I couldn't shake the all consuming knowledge that what I'd just said was by and by the truest words ever to fall from my lips.
A/N: So, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for reading. A lot of people have been saying they miss Edward, and I feel your pain. Rest assured, there is a steamy scene coming in the next chapter, which should be posted sometime very soon. Again, thanks for reading and please leave a review.