/* AN: Soo, next chapter ho! That's all I have to say in this author's note. Short and sweet.
*/

For yet another day, Harry awoke not knowing where he was, though the familiar pain on his left shoulder blade suggested that he got yet another tattoo. Since he was only wearing a black and gold bootyshorts that said "Who Dat?" across the ass, he could easily look at his shoulder and see his new ink.

There in curly script on his shoulder blade were the names "Dicky" and "Archer." By this time he'd realized that he was in jail and tried to recollect his night to find out what he was in jail for. Vaguely recognizing the two men lying on the ground next to him as the black-haired man and old man he'd met up with the night before he woke them up.

"Hey guys, wake up. I assume one of you is Dicky and the other is Archer? First off, which of you is which, and why exactly are we in jail?"

"That old bag of bones is Dicky, and my name is actually Cyril Figgis" the younger man said with an exaggerated wink when giving his own name. "As to why we're here, I have no idea, but I do know that if I don't get a drink in me soon the cumulative hangover from last night will literally kill me."

The three tried to put their heads together, and only managed to remember winning a few million each at various casinos the night before. All of a sudden, the three heard a shout from an extremely amused police officer at the front of the station. "Funktastic, you made bail! And everyone at the station laugh when we managed to piece together security footage of your night. So that's really a win-win for you!"

Even more confused, Harry walked out of the cell when it opened, and made his way towards a large cluster of cops around a large TV that, as he watched more, he realized was the pieced together tape of his night before.

"When we picked you up, you were charged with 57 charges of public intoxication, 23 counts of public indecency, 13 counts of public urination, 71 counts of minor vandalism, one count of major vandalism, and five counts of vehicle theft and DUI. The odd thing was all of your counts of DUI ended with you crashing into the building that was your case of major vandalism, is there any particular vendetta between you and the owner of that building, one Lord Malfoy?"

"Haha, Malfoy? Good old Bad Faith himself. Off the record, he and his son are both massive twats and racists. On the record, I've never met the guy and have no idea who he is."

"In that case, the count of major vandalism is being dropped from your record for lack of conclusive evidence. Well done. On the other hand, you will have to pay off fines for the rest of your offenses before you leave the city if you don't want to wait for a court date."

Harry deferred the offer of the court date and wrote a check out for the $257,532.38 he owed the city in damages before he tried to telepop back to the hotel to find Sirius and Remus. However, his hangover had impaired his judgment more than he'd thought, and wound up teleporting himself along the fourth dimension into an alternate reality.

Harry stood up and brushed himself off, not entirely surprised that even more crazy shit had happened to him. He came to the realization that he was on a planet that resembled nothing more than a single gigantic desert with nothing around as far as the eye could see.

Nothing, that is, except for the speeding, floating vehicle heading right at him. Piloted by an old man, there was a younger man passed out in the seat next to the driver and two non-humans in the back. One was gold and looked like a man, except the wires clearly visible; the other looked like a short squat garbage can with a rounded top. While Harry was taking in these details, the old man was clearly trying to stop himself from making him into a splatter on the windshield.

He needn't have worried, however, since Harry just jumped over the cruising land speeder, landing himself neatly into the back seat between the two androids, who were introduced as C3-PO and R2-D2, while the old man introduced himself as Ben Kenobi and the younger man as Luke Skywalker.

Ben piloted the land speeder to his home, and asked Harry about his life while they waited for Luke to wake back up from his encounter with the sand people. Since Harry's magic closely resembled Force manipulation, he was told about it, along with Luke when he finally came to. Unfortunately, since Ben only had Luke's father's old lightsabre, Harry didn't' get one, but Ben offered to walk him through creating one if Harry helped defeat the Empire that was oppressing the people.

Harry agreed, and with that the three men and two droids made their way to Mos Eisley after Luke made an impromptu trip to his home, only to find his aunt and uncle dead. Harry, understanding the loss felt after losing a father figure, talked to Luke about his grief.

Their talks were interrupted by Ben. "There it is, Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be careful."

"Scum and villainy, huh?" came the response from Harry. "Sounds like this place called Glasgow back home for me. This shouldn't be too bad between two Jedi and a badass mage like me."

"You think pretty highly of yourself, don't you Mr. Funktastic?" asked Luke, who, along with Ben, knew that their traveling companion was from another dimension. "And what do you mean two Jedi plus you. Ben's not a Jedi, are you Ben?"

"Yeah bro, I can feel the Force flowing through his body, same as yours. And given some of the things I've done in my life, I think I can get away with being a bit cocky. I'll tell you some of my stories on the way to Alderaan. I've seen things in a girl's bathroom at my old school that would make you shit your pants."

Luke gave a skeptical glance at Ben, who gave a nod signaling that he was, in fact, Jedi. That minor issue out of the way, the five made their way to the bar, their only hangup a short run-in with a pair of what Luke called 'Stormtroopers,' which Ben handled with a sweet Jedi mind trick that was like Legilimancy. They made their way into the bar, where they met Ben's smuggler contact and his Wookie co-pilot, who Harry immediately liked. The smuggler was sarcastic and as cocky as he was, and the Wookie was just a funny and cocky. In the back of his mind, Harry thanked Dresden's Fallen for adding Wookie to the languages he could speak and understand.

After a talk with Han and Chewie that was mostly Luke bitching about pointless shit, Chewie led the three to their ship, the Milennium Falcon, while Han had to deal with a bounty hunter named Greedo. When he got to the Falcon, he was being chased by a squad of Stormtroopers and was quick to get the Falcon up into the air. While they were on their way to Alderaan, he worked a little with Ben on his wandless magic, which was what the Jedi called the Force.

Luckily, he was quick to understand the concepts of using his will to channel the cosmic Force into doing what he desired, and he had already trained on using his magic to reinforce his reflexes, speed, and body, so while Luke was working on those aspects of Force training, he was either getting used to the blaster Han gave him, or joking around with him and Chewie.

By the time they got to the space previously occupied by Alderaan, which was now destroyed by the Empire, not that any of them knew that at the time, Harry was really close to Han and Chewie and was a dead shot with his blaster. When they were trapped in the tractor beam of the "That's no moon," Harry was quick to hit them all with a package of charms he'd personally thrown together to hide them absolutely from the Stormtroopers that flooded the Falcon to find out who was there, but still allowed them to see each other.

Using these charms, it was easy for the group to sneak around the space station, allowing Ben to easily reach his objective, the tractor beam controls, which he would turn off, allowing them to leave. Meanwhile, Harry, Han, and Luke snuck into the prison on the station, allowing them to free the princess the Empire had captured, which Harry did easily with a subvocalized 'Alohamora.'

Harry hit Leia with his charms package, making her as invisible to the Empire as they were, and convinced her to go with them. They made it into the elevator to make their way back to the Falcon. As it opened, the group was hit with a wave of elevator music, namely, the song "My Heart Will Go On." At this point, Luke snapped. With a shout of "I hate this motherfucking song and its goddam pennywhistle solo!" he shot out the speakers in the elevator.

The elevator stopped immediately, and a voice came over the intercom asking if everything was alright. Han, the master of subtlety that he was, answered. "Yes, everything's fine here, just a, um, thing. You know how it goes. How's everything up there, with you?"

The voice gave a deep sigh. "Well, Empire stuff is as good as ever, but personally? That's another matter entirely. So my girlfriend tells me that..."

As the Stormtrooper droned on and on about how much his girlfriend hated him working for the Empire, Harry dragged the group out of the elevator, which was clearly not going anywhere. He led them down towards the cells, which was really the only place for them to go. They were unfortunately met with a group of troopers summoned when they realized that Leia's cell was empty. Stuck in a firefight on two sides, Harry took the only course he saw. He started randomly blasting the shit out of everything around him until he found a way out.

He eventually blasted his way into the next room over, and was inside before he realized that it was the women's shower. And it was fully occupied. And his charms had been dropped by the blaster bolts whizzing past him. Luckily for him, however, the women showering all thought he was extremely attractive, and mobbed him, allowing Han, Luke, and Leia to make their way out.

He used some minor Legilimancy on Han to tell him he would stay behind and spy on the Empire for them and would meet them at the final battle. He, being the gentleman he was, delayed the women from joining the search for his now-departing friends the way he knew best: by starting off a massive orgy in the showers.

When the orgy finally wound down, Harry was led to a big dude in an all-black outfit and a breathing mask on his face, who introduced himself as Darth Vader. Harry explained that he was taken prisoner on the Falcon when Kenobi found he could use the Force but refused to join them against the Empire, and used their landing on the Death Star to escape custody.

Vader told him that he had killed Obi-Wan Kenobi and welcomed him with figuratively opened arms to the Dark Side with the pitch, "Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies." And, sure enough, when Harry "pledged" himself to the Dark Side, Vader brought out a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

Vader took Harry on as his Padawan, teaching him about the darker side of the Force, which mostly consisted of Force attacks dealing more damage at the cost of drawing on harsher emotions. Harry, who had more than enough hate in his heart for Umbitch, Voldemort, and his Death Munchers, excelled at Vader's teachings.

Over the time he spent with Vader, he had not forgotten about his pledge to spy for the resistance. Using the legilimancy probe he'd dropped in Han's head before he was engulfed in scores of attractive women begging to fuck him, he passed along information about raids and attacks the Empire had planned, leading to a huge amounts of failures for the Empire.

In return, Han passed along the date of the resistance's attack on the Death Star. When it finally came, Harry joined Darth and two other pilots to protect the narrow trench that led to the single weakness on the supposedly-indestructible space station, though somehow Harry managed to miss every single resistance ship he fired at. In return, Han made sure to let the resistance know which ship was Harry's, and he was likewise missed by every shot sent his way.

When the Death Star finally went down, Harry told Han he would stick by Vader for the time being, having picked up the plans for a second Death Star in Vader's head. He wished him luck and told him he'd be in touch, then rocketed off in search of his Sith mentor.

/* AN: Ayooo, chapter done! Props if you got the Archer x-over at the beginning of the chapter! After that, it's pretty obvious what the x-over is from there. This chapter takes care of Epsiode IV, next chapter should take us through Episodes V and VI, then into the dangerous realm of post-VI action. You'll see when the next chapter comes out. But yeah, how 'bout that, two chapters back to back! Next chapter out will be for PL:JJ, then probably back to this, we'll see where my motivation falls down. Spring break starts in a few days for me, so I won't have much time to write (hopefully), so hang tight, I'll get stuff out ASAP, I promise. Peace,
*/