Hello again! Apologies for the gap in-between these two, adult life man, it's just too demanding sometimes. Thank you as always for all the kind words and taking the time to read this story as is tumbles along. Also, apologies for any typos/mistakes, didn't have time to proofread. I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

Part Ten.

Paige's heartbeat began to slow, no longer beating erratically against her chest, the anxiety that had swelled within Emily settling some as she listened to it. Its steady thrum was the only sound filling her ears, save for the muffled voices coming from the movie still playing, albeit abandoned, in the background. Emily wondered if Paige was actually still watching it. It wasn't a film Paige would enjoy and Emily felt guilty then, about having selected something she knew would hold so little of Paige's attention. Paige wasn't speaking, though Emily wasn't really sure she expected her to. It felt like it was still her turn, somehow.

Not that that spurred Emily into action.

It was so soothing, the steady rise and fall of Paige's chest beneath her cheek, the steady beat of her heart in her ear. The more the antsy anticipation that had filled her as she'd spoken moments earlier faded, the more Emily wished, with an alarming desperation, that she hadn't said anything.

Anything at all.

Not necessarily because she wanted to take it back. It felt oddly freeing, for all it was equally petrifying, having admitted aloud, to Paige and perhaps even herself, that she'd wanted to kiss her. Emily didn't think she wanted to take it back. Emily just wished it would be fair for her to close her eyes and allow the gentle rhythm to lull her to sleep.

It wasn't just the rhythm, the motion Emily found herself drawn into. Paige radiated a warmth beneath her and a safety Emily that felt a strange sense of longing for, for all she couldn't really determine why. Paige had showered, at some point that afternoon; Emily could smell her body wash, her shampoo. Emily felt encaptivated by the scent, ignoring the deep, fuzzy feeling it evoked and the familiarity of the sensation.

All it would take, was a little ignorance.

Paige's palm was still resting against her upper arm, fingers splayed out and ever so slightly grazing her side. If Emily could just focus on the sound, and the motion, and the smell…if she could just ignore how tense Paige seemed, how taut the muscles were beneath her own palm were where it lay against Paige's stomach, it would almost be…blissful.

Against her better judgement, Emily allowed her eyes to drift shut.

It would only be for a minute. Just one minute, Emily promised herself. A minute where she could bask in the ignorance of it all. A minute where she didn't have to open her eyes and face up to what she'd just told Paige. A minute where there was no conversation to be had, no thinking to be done. A minute where she could lie in Paige's arms, without it having to mean anything.

"Em?"

Emily's breath caught in her chest, feeling Paige's eyes on her. If the short huff of what sounded suspiciously like frustration was anything to go by, it appeared her thinly veiled attempt to feign sleep had been exposed.

Still, Emily kept her eyes closed. No, she hadn't found her ignorance. She was in no ways ignorant to the sudden shame she felt, in acknowledging what she was doing. Emily knew it was selfish of her. Selfish to savor the contact Paige offered her for a while longer than she should. Emily knew it could, should be considered cowardly, cruel even, to pretend to sleep. To take the comfort Paige was allowing her, and offer nothing in return.

I wanted to kiss you.

The cruelness of saying that and nothing else wasn't lost on Emily. But what more could she say? She had wanted to kiss Paige. Part of her always had, Emily understood that now. That didn't mean she understood what it meant, what she wanted it to mean. It terrified her, to think of what she wanted it to mean.

None of that was going to be any comfort to Paige.

Emily had left Samara's in something of a haze, unsure of how she really felt, unsure if she wanted to feel anything at all.

Emily felt a relief, of sorts, that she'd spoken to Samara, that they'd finally owned up to the fact that their relationship wasn't to be. There was regret, too; in a slightly altered universe, Emily knew they'd make a good couple. There was a sadness, that the space Samara occupied in her life, however small, was now empty, but also an optimism, that by adjusting the definitions a little, it remained Samara's to fill.

Then there was Paige.

Paige who was no longer just 'Paige'. Paige who was her best friend, but who she might also have feelings for. Who she did have feelings for, beneath the surface. Feelings she didn't really understand, but ones she couldn't deny anymore. Paige, who maybe she'd always had feelings for. Paige who she might not have feelings for, in that way. Maybe it was just attraction. Maybe it was just loneliness. Maybe it was lust.

There was Paige, who could actually be in love with her, or at least in lust with her. Paige, who's heart she could unwittingly break.

Just act normal.

That had been Samara's sage advice as they'd talked over what had happened on Friday night, albeit fleetingly. As much as Samara reassured her, it still felt a little awkward to Emily, to be talking so openly about her potential feelings for someone else with a girl she'd broken up with seconds earlier. That aside and ignoring the sweeping simplicity of the suggestion, Samara had a point. A very straightforward point.

There didn't need to be any pressure, unless Emily, or Paige, or the two of them combined, created said pressure.

It was a kiss. A fumble. Why have a total meltdown over what it all meant? Plenty of people kiss. Plenty people of fumble.

Just try and act normal.

As much as she took comfort in the advice, Emily wasn't really all that confident she was doing a great job of following through.

Emily had tried. She really had.

Emily didn't push Paige away at practice, when she'd tried to talk to her about Coach Moss. She'd known Paige was trying to be helpful, maybe even forcing some 'normality' herself, but the last thing Emily had wanted, after that news, was to have Paige around her. Clouding her air, reminding her of what had thrown her so off in the first place. But Emily had ignored that, in the spirit of 'acting normal'. She'd let Paige talk to her, as Paige usually would, in any similar situation. Emily resisted the urge to jerk away when Paige grabbed for her hand, because it was completely innocent. Touch was comforting. Friends comforted one another. Emily refused to shy away from the urge to pull Paige into an embrace, when she wanted nothing more than to pull Paige into an embrace. She'd elected to invite Paige into her room, as she usually would have on any given night. She sought comfort in Paige, as she usually would, after any day like today.

Emily was acting normal. But it didn't feel normal, no matter how hard she tried.

Maybe it was normal to thaw a little, at the sight of your best friend becoming enraged at the thought of you being 'wronged'. But it wasn't 'normal' for your whole body to tingle, at the slightest touch of a hand.

Getting benched had left Emily numb. It should have hurt, but Emily didn't have the energy to be hurt by it. Emily hadn't had the energy for much at all. Then Paige took her hand and Emily didn't feel so numb, all of a sudden. Paige was talking to her but Emily hadn't heard a word Paige said. Her skin was on fire. All she could focus on was their hands joined together and how the simplest of touches had seemingly jolted her back to her senses. How if she just shuffled an inch or so closer to Paige and tilted her head just so…

It wasn't normal to imagine…that.

Normal would be squeezing Paige's hand in appreciation, then pulling away. Normal would be not noticing the way Paige's breath had hitched at the contact, when she realized their hands were entwined. Normal would be letting Paige pull away and not giving in to the urge to cling on a second longer. Normal would be not needing to bury her nose into the crook of Paige's neck as they hugged one another, just to be engulfed in the scent. Chlorine and Paige. Normal would be watching a movie without having migrated towards her.

Normal would be sitting up and talking this out.

Emily knew she owed it to Paige. Owed her an explanation, owed her an apology, owed her anything, but the cowardly song and dance she'd led them both into, over the past 3 days.

It was with a heavy sigh Emily finally shifted, leaving the conflicted comfort laying against Paige offered, in favor of sitting up beside her. Emily didn't fail to miss the sigh of her own Paige expelled as she moved, guessing she'd finally allowed herself to relax now that Emily wasn't essentially on top of her.

The room fell silent. The movie continued to play, but it was nothing but white noise to Emily, who released a shaky breath as she drew her knees to her chest. Paige mirrored the action somewhat, her eyes flitting to Emily, curiously, expectantly.

"I haven't been myself, lately."

Paige was trying her very best not to react to that statement, Emily could tell.

Emily knew Paige thought it was an understatement. Emily didn't disagree. It was a true statement, none the less. Emily didn't do this. Usually. At least she didn't feel like she did. She knew herself, she knew this was wrong. Dancing around a subject, letting things fester, not wanting to talk things out. But she was just so…

…afraid.

I'm not brave, like you, Paige had once told her, as the two of them had sat alone in Emily's bedroom, Paige's hand in her own, shaking like her voice had as she'd uttered the words. Young and shaking and afraid of herself, looking at Emily as if she held all the answers, all because she'd been 'brave' enough to come out.

Emily didn't think she was brave. But she hadn't realized, until now, that she was this cowardly.

There had only ever really been one consistent fear in Emily's life growing up. It had been there ever since her Dad left for his first tour, when she was too young to understand what it was she was really afraid of.

Emily forever worried he wasn't coming home.

The older she got, the more real the prospect felt, more tangible, more plausible. The more real the possibility became, the more vivid the potential consequences felt. As a child she was uneasy, unsure, but unaware of why the feeling was lingering. He always came home, eventually. But the more he left, the more the fear grew. The older she became, the more she understood. He got stationed further and further away and the fear that plagued her became more and more real, more and more possible.

The call came two weeks before she was due to start her freshman year of high school. Emily could still feel her stomach going cold, even with the memory. She was in her room, sorting out her stationary. She wanted to be prepared for school. She'd ran downstairs when she'd heard the thud.

Her Dad was coming home, but Emily could tell, from the way her Mom had crumbled to the floor the second she'd hung up the receiver, that that wasn't good news.

That was the day she'd decided she wasn't interested in love anymore. How could anyone devote themselves to someone like that? How could anyone leave themselves that open, to being completely and utterly destroyed?

He wasn't dead. Emily didn't know how many times she'd repeated that to herself, over those months, willing herself to remember it, to hold faith in it. He wasn't dead.

Freshman year of high school was abruptly cancelled and Emily couldn't bring herself to care. It was a 200 mile round trip to see him in the hospital and it wasn't feasible, to Emily at least, to make that trip before or after school, or only at weekends. Emily had raged at her Mother, at the time, for not accepting the countless offers his colleagues gave them, to put them up nearby. To pay for a hotel. Pam had refused. She was staying at home, they were waiting at home, until they could bring Wayne home. The drive never got easier. It felt longer and longer, the more they travelled it. Emily hated that road.

Emily had argued with Paige for hours, when, instead of taking that very same road en route to the first stop on their jam packed road trip to college last summer, Paige had chosen to take a detour. A detour that ate into a good half-day of their trip. Emily hadn't realized, at the time, what Paige had done. Not until she'd checked the map. Paige knew Emily hated that road.

A military hospital was hardly home. Emily still found herself terrified that he'd never make it home, really home. Doctors assured them he was stable. Doctors assured them, he'd wake up. But no matter how hushed the doctors tried to keep their voices, Emily hadn't failed to overhear them telling Pam he might wake up 'changed'.

Emily kicked herself for ever buying into that, for ever worrying that he might. Wayne didn't change. Emily had never felt so in awe of him than she had done in the following months. His outlook hadn't changed. Nor had his determination, or his kindness, his understanding. Their whole world had changed, but he'd refused to lose his composure. Four of his squadron had died in the accident, four of his friends had died, but he'd refused to let their loss make him bitter.

Emily had all but begged her parents to let her homeschool. Just for this year, she'd pleaded. Emily wanted to help out, in whatever way she could. Eventually, her parents caved. Emily was homeschooled in the mornings. She spent the afternoons with her Dad, sometimes helping him with his rehabilitation, sometimes just sitting with him, scared to let the slightest opportunity to be together be missed. Some nights she worked at The Grille. Barry, the owner, took pity on her early on, letting her wipe down the tables, do the dishes, whatever he could offer for whatever he could spare, knowing what had happened, knowing why she wanted so desperately to help her parents out.

Ever since that year, Emily had always felt a crushing sense of shame whenever something scared her. Nothing could ever be as terrifying as what they'd gone through that year. Nothing. But as much as Emily wished it had, the experience hadn't given her a fearlessness that could carry her through anything.

Emily was still afraid.

"We don't have to do this now," Paige spoke, breaking Emily from her reverie. Emily met her gaze and the softness of it made her want to simultaneously hug and throttle Paige all at the same time.

Why couldn't Paige just be mad at her? Why wouldn't Paige just force the issue instead of offering her an out? Paige was definitely showing signs of frustration, Emily could tell and she wished for just once, Paige wouldn't be so damn understanding.

Paige was the brave one. Emily needed Paige to be the brave one, now, to drag it out of her, whatever the hell it was that she was so desperately trying to tell her.

"It feels like we should talk."

"Then talk."

"I don't know what to say," Emily sighed heavily, looking to Paige hopelessly.

"Say whatever you're thinking."

It sounded so simple, when Paige suggested it. But it couldn't be that simple, could it?

Emily didn't know how to explain anything to Paige, without the words coming out wrong. Emily didn't feel like anything she attempted to explain, would make a pick of sense.

How do you tell a person, you feel like you're seeing them for the first time? If Emily said that to Paige, Paige would surely want an explanation. Explanations were something Emily still didn't have to offer. She knew her eyes were open, but everything she was staring at was still doused in fog. The shapes were there, but the outlines blurry. The definitions unclear. Nothing felt like the right thing to say. Nothing felt like it would lead them in the right direction.

Emily knew she could only offer more questions and questions were the last thing either of them wanted. Emily also knew silence wasn't working any more, was never working, would never work.

"Do you remember swim camp? Sophomore year."

Emily knew that probably wasn't what Paige meant, though despite her perplexion Paige nodded, eyebrow cocked curiously as she waited for Emily to continue.

Emily remembered swim camp.

For all Emily tried to convince herself she didn't have to be scared of anything else, ever, after the year she'd just gone through, the idea of sophomore year terrified her. The thought of finally starting high school, a year after everyone else had, panicked her.

Everyone else was a year ahead. Maybe not academically, but Emily wasn't really sure her homeschooling would compare with what the rest of her classmates would have received, actually attending Rosewood High. More importantly, everyone would already be settled. Everyone would already have friends. Everyone would already have their place.

Everyone but Emily, the new girl.

It was touch and go, at that point, with regards to whether her Father would ever return to the job he'd once had, within the upper ranks of the US army. Emily knew her best bet for college at that point was a scholarship and with academia not exactly her strong suit, sports seemed like her best bet. Her Mom had suggested she apply for the school's summer swim program. Swimming felt like a good fit and, in Pam's view, it offered Emily the perfect opportunity to make friends before the school year began.

Emily had been on the verge of tears, come the end of the first day. All of the girls knew each other, more or less. All of the girls talked about shows and songs and boys and Emily knew nothing about almost all of them. Emily was behind, it seemed, in everything. Everything but her swimming. But excelling at that just seemed to cast her out even more.

Paige McCullers was simultaneously almost nothing and almost exactly as she remembered, from passing and in church as children. There was harshness to her, but one Emily knew, even back then, was a façade. She always knew that there was a softness underneath, somehow, even at first glance. She saw something in Paige that she saw in herself, for all she couldn't pinpoint what it was, exactly.

The Paige she remembered from church as a child was quiet, equally as guarded, but twice as sweet, somehow. Unassuming. There was still that part of Paige there, despite the hard edges, as they swam side by side that summer. Paige just didn't appear willing to let it show.

Paige remembered her, but didn't seem to like her, that much. Emily had never really felt threatened by that, or saddened by it, like she had when she found herself on the periphery of the other girls in their group. Paige didn't care if Emily loved the 'right' bands or liked the 'right' boys.

Paige's coldness to her was…different.

All Paige's distance seemed to do was make the urge to get to know her more prominent, within Emily. Emily hadn't understood her feelings at the time. She didn't know why she wanted to be so close to Paige, near-constantly. At the time, she put down to latching on to the only familiar thing around her, Paige McCullers. Paige, who'd never spoke more than 3 words to her at church, but had always offered her a smile. Paige, who complimented her times on that first day of summer. Paige, who'd remembered, somehow, that Emily loved the water, had done since she was little, taking trips to the lake with her Dad.

It was Paige, that made her go back for the second day.

None of that explained why she found herself uncomfortably, borderline obsessing over every last detail of Paige's existence.

It was a crush. Emily knew that now. The same sort of crush she'd had on Alison, that very same year. The sort of crush she'd never had, on Ben, when she'd felt like she was supposed to.

"I was this close to going home crying that first day and never going back," Emily continued, gesturing awkwardly before folding her hands into her lap.

"Why?"

"I thought the girls hated me."

"They probably did," Paige huffed out a laugh, her lips tugging up into the briefest of smirks. "You did blow them out of the water."

"That's what you said, as we were leaving," Emily smiled, looking down at her hands. "That's why I came back, the next day."

Paige wasn't pressing her to elaborate any further, Emily knew that, though Paige's eyes held a question, as she caught them fleetingly.

Where are you going with this?

It wasn't a question Paige was urging her to answer, but Emily answered it, all the same.

"I didn't know it, at the time."

"Didn't know what?"

Emily looked down, almost laughing at how ridiculous the thought of continuing felt to her, but needing to just say it. It made little sense, to stop now. Damage control wasn't really an option, Emily didn't think. And if she could just say it, it would be real. Paige would know, if she didn't already know, and it would be one less thing to have to think about.

"I had the biggest crush on you back then, Paige."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Paige sounded mildly annoyed, gone the breathless surprise that had initially laced those very words when she'd uttered them earlier on that night, replaced with an almost exasperation.

It felt redundant, all of a sudden, now Emily had spoken the words aloud. Paige must have known at the time. If she didn't, it hardly mattered now, did it? Emily felt confident Paige didn't give a damn how many crushes Emily had on her in high school. All Paige wanted to know, was why Emily had kissed her Friday night. Why Emily had wanted to kiss her and why Emily wanted Paige to know she'd wanted her to kiss her.

"I don't know," Emily answered truthfully, puffing out a mildly frustrated breath of her own. She wished she could formulate some cohesion to her thoughts, or some purpose to her words.

It felt impossible.

Impossible, but Emily knew she couldn't keep deflecting. That she had to at least try and explain to Paige, maybe even to herself, what she was thinking.

"I guess, I'm just…" Emily paused, releasing a shaky breath, reminding herself she had to try. "I'm just realizing that kissing you on Friday…maybe it wasn't as out of nowhere as I thought."

"Oh."

Paige mouth hung open, as if she was readying herself to speak again, though the words never came.

"Yeah."

"Right."

"So you're…"

"Can I ask you a question?"

Emily knew it probably wasn't fair of her, to interject, to deflect, to ask, given that she'd dodged so many of Paige's own questions already, but couldn't really help herself.

Paige's hesitation was easy to see, but she nodded, regardless.

"Why did you kiss me, after the pep rally that year?"

Paige's expression shifted from surprise, to confusion, then from panic to what looked suspiciously like annoyance.

"Because I wanted to."

There was the faintest bite of mockery to Paige's words, though for all they caused Emily to bristle, she accepted it was a mockery she probably deserved.

"Sorry," Emily let her head fall back against the wall, puffing out a sigh. "I shouldn't have asked that."

"I had a crush on you too. At swim camp."

Paige's tone had softened, her eyes drifting away, the faintest flush of a blush creeping up her neck. Emily felt a rush, a validation she didn't quite understand as Paige spoke, all underpinned by an out of place sense of unease.

"After swim camp."

Paige stretched her legs out in front of her, Emily drawing her legs back further to avoid them. It didn't feel right somehow, to be touching anymore. The tip of her foot grazed Paige's calf and despite her apprehension, Emily couldn't bring herself to pull away, or push forward.

"I didn't know it, not until...well, until we were in the car that night."

Paige cleared her throat, looking to Emily hesitantly, as if gauging whether or not she wanted her to continue. Emily was fairly certain her expression was one of borderline pleading, no matter how much she wished it wouldn't be. After a moment's hesitation Paige seemed to take pity on her, looking away as she continued.

"When you asked me if I really thought you were beautiful, your smile…it was like, by telling you that, I'd…given you the whole world or something," Paige scoffed at herself, the faintest tint of a blush coating her cheeks. Emily knew Paige thought she sounded ridiculous.

Emily didn't think Paige sounded ridiculous at all.

When she'd climbed into her Mom's car that night, she'd burst into tears. She'd gone to the rally with Ben and had spent the whole night feeling like a fraud. Then Alison had humiliated her completely in front of everyone and had maybe even broke her heart a little in the process. To top it all off, there she found herself, in front of Paige McCullers, who she'd only just managed to get close to after a year of trying so hard to, ugly crying. It was embarrassment after embarrassment after embarrassment. But Paige hadn't made fun of her.

Paige had told her she was beautiful.

"I knew your Mom was coming any second and I knew I wouldn't get another chance and I…" Paige's sigh was heavy, hopeless. "I just had to kiss you."

Emily's heart swelled, almost painfully. The air left her lungs and she almost fell into a panic. It was overwhelming, the sudden emotion washing over her, so overwhelming, she was scared she would forget how to breathe.

Embarrassment was easily to see, etched in Paige's features as she looked away, closing her eyes, as if annoyed with herself for having spoken. Emily desperately wanted to say something. To tell her not to be. To tell her she'd wanted to kiss her that night, too. She hadn't known it until it had happened, but she had.

"Paige…"

"Your turn."

Paige killed off any words forming in Emily's throat, her tone part challenge, part fear. It was clear to see in Paige's eyes, that Emily's own had snapped to meet, the second she'd spoken, that Paige wasn't intending to back down. It was as if Paige was daring her.

Tell me you 'don't know' again.

"I…"

Emily swallowed. Paige's stare persisted.

Tell me the truth.

What was the truth?

"I…"

"Don't know?"

Once again Emily couldn't really begrudge Paige the frustration, though the tone in which Paige had spoken to her still irked her all the same.

"I just wanted to, okay?" Emily shrugged, exasperatedly. "We were there and I just wanted to kiss you. To…"

…be with you, like that.

Even once.

"Was it just because you were drunk?"

"No."

"Was it because of Samara?"

"Paige, no."

"If it was, you can tell me, okay, I'm not…"

"God…it wasn't about Samara!" Emily interjected, her words bubbling up in a fluster. "It was never about Samara! I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you. I kissed you because I just couldn't stop thinking about why I'd…"

"Why you'd what?"

"Why I'd never done that, before."

Why I hadn't done it, sooner.

Emily could practically see the cogs turning in Paige's mind, as she tried to make sense of what Emily was saying, or more accurately, not saying. Her jaw hung open in what Emily hoped was surprise, Emily herself frozen by the confession, unsure of where to go from here.

Paige shifted as the silence lingered, swinging her legs from the bed, palms resting against her thighs. It looked like she was about to stand, Emily's stomach sinking unpleasantly at the sight.

"Do you understand the things you're saying…how it sounds?" Paige asked, looking to Emily, her palms flexing against the bedsheet beneath her, a telltale sign of her frustration.

"I don't know what I'm saying," Emily admitted hopelessly, scooting to the edge of the bed, mirroring Paige's position. "Or I know what I'm saying…just not why I'm saying it."

"Yet you're still saying it."

Emily frowned, though she couldn't really bring herself to feel perturbed by Paige's mildly annoyed, mildly deflated tone.

"It just…feels like the right thing to do. Talk through it," Emily admitted, scooting to the edge of the bed, mirroring Paige's position.

"Sure. Though I'm not really sure we're getting any further forward," Paige almost huffed, slumping forward. "Or do you think we are?"

"I…"

"Please, don't say you don't know again," Paige urged her.

"I'm sorry."

"I don't need you to be sorry," Paige rasped softly. "I just need you to be honest."

Paige turned to her fully, releasing a heavy sigh. The shake of her head showed her own uncertainty, her frustration, but still the familiar softness, Emily had come to associate with Paige.

"Do you regret it?"

Emily felt another wave of anxiousness wash over her as Paige asked the question. She knew the answer. But if she said no, would Paige think by that, she meant she wanted to do it again? If she said no, did she want to do it again?

"No."

Emily's words were hesitant, but true. She wasn't quite sure what she was admitting, but there was no doubt in her mind that she meant what she was saying.

Emily regretted what it had done to them, but Emily didn't want to take it back.

"Do you?"

"No," Paige shook her head, her answer instantaneous, though her gaze fell away. "I don't know what that means, though."

"Neither do I," Emily agreed, an odd sort of calmness washing over her.

At least, in part, they were on the same page.

"Do you…"

Paige seemed to hesitate, shifting a little, eyes flitting to Emily, then quickly away. Emily simply watched, brow furrowing as Paige shook her head slightly, as if questioning whatever it was she was about to say.

"Would you want to do it again?"

Emily's jaw fell slack, surprised Paige had summoned the gall to ask that question outright, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to formulate a response.

"I…"

"Right," Paige waved her hand, screwing her eyes shut. "Sorry, shouldn't have asked that."

"Paige…"

"Forget I said anything."

"But, Paige…"

"It meant something to me," Paige appeared to all but push the words out, hesitantly and impatiently, all at once, killing off Emily's own before they could leave her throat.

"Paige."

"And I think you know that."

The weight in Paige's words made Emily light-headed, her balance feeling off, suddenly.

I think you know that.

It was spoken with a certainty similar to the one Aria had exuded, when she'd balked at the notion of Emily being unable see how much Paige was in 'love' with her. It greeted Emily with a similar sense of disbelief now, followed by panic, then the creeping realization.

Was Emily just kidding herself, in denying what everyone else, apparently, could plainly see?

"What did it mean to you?"

Paige swallowed, eyes flitting to Emily once more. Emily's throat felt dry, all of a sudden, her mind woozy, unsure if she really wanted an answer to that question. Unsure of what answer she wanted, if Paige was willing to give it to her.

"What did it mean to you?"

Emily wasn't entirely surprised Paige decided to throw the question back at her. Paige, after all, was the one answering the questions presently. Emily knew, statistically, it was her turn to cough up some answers.

A task far easier said than done.

What did it mean to her?

Mostly, at the thought of that night, Emily felt a longing. A longing that she hadn't been so drunk, so stupid. That if she really, truly wanted to give in to her curiosity about Paige, she'd done so soberly. Sober, so she could remember it. Sober, to have potentially avoided all this. To have understood what it meant beforehand, instead of trying and failing to piece that together now.

"It meant something to me too."

Emily's voice quivered as she spoke. It was easy to see Paige's distrust of the admission as her eyes flit to Emily, Paige's gaze falling away with a shake of her head.

"It did."

"But you don't know what it meant to you."

Emily opened her mouth, though her words quickly waned. She didn't. She'd established she'd, at least at one point, had feelings for Paige. She'd established that maybe those feelings were still lingering, now. Were lingering now, Emily forced herself to admit.

She did have feelings for Paige. Feelings that surpassed friendship. She always had done.

Maybe she knew that. But Emily didn't know why they'd resurfaced so suddenly. Why she'd acted upon them so recklessly. What she wanted for them, from this point on.

"I only know I don't want to lose you."

Emily knew, by exploring the possibility that Friday's brief tryst had meant something more, that that could be the price they paid. The fear rose within her again, gripping her tight, constricting her chest. Nothing was worth that.

Nothing was worth losing Paige.

Paige met her gaze, the softness, the understanding within her expression constricting Emily's heart in an entirely different way. It was easy to see there, unequivocally, what Paige's response to that was.

You won't.

Paige opened her mouth as much to say it, Emily feeling a swell of anticipation, as she waited for the reassurance she'd only just realised she needed. Emily deflated, when Paige sighed instead.

"I know what it meant to me," Paige cleared her throat, a sad resignation laced within her words. "I know you probably know what it meant to me, too."

"Paige…"

"Please, just, let me finish?" Paige almost pleaded, pushing herself up from the bed and walking across the room, shoulders rising and falling in one swoop as she released a heavy breath.

"Okay."

"I had a crush on you, at swim camp. After," Paige swallowed, hands coming up to cover her face, for all she was facing away from Emily. "And after that. After the kiss, right through high school. It wasn't just a crush. I had feelings for you. I…a part of me always has."

"Paige…"

"I know you don't know what it meant to you," Paige turned to face Emily. "And that's okay, Em. Really."

Emily wasn't entirely convinced Paige meant that.

"Maybe we were just…drunk and made a mistake. Maybe it was something more. There's a lot of questions. I know you don't have the answers. I don't either. Like I said, I know what it meant to me. That doesn't mean I know where to go from here."

Paige sighed, sinking down onto Deb's bed.

"I also know what you mean to me. So if that's what this was, just some mistake…that's fine. You're my best friend Emily…that's what's important. I don't want us to mess that up."

"Neither do I," Emily croaked, her voice suddenly thicker than it had been, moments ago.

"But..."

Paige paused, swallowed, and with that, Emily's heart lurched.

When had anything good, come from a but?

"I can't do this. I can't have you acting normal one second, then cuddling up to me the next. I can't have you telling me you wanted to kiss me, but not telling me what the hell you mean by that. I can't have you bringing up four-year-old crushes and not explaining the relevance of any of it. I can't."

"I know," Emily nodded, frowning. "I'm sorry."

Paige simply nodded, inhaling deeply.

"I think maybe space wasn't such a bad idea."

Emily's fingers gripped the comforter tightly, willing herself to listenand understand what it was Paige was trying to say to her. To accept that Paige was probably right.

It wasn't fair of her, to use Paige as a sounding board as she worked through her feelings about what they'd done, through her feelings for Paige herself. It wasn't fair of her to offer Paige nothing but unfinished reasoning as she struggled to piece together what it all meant. To tell Paige yes, I wanted you, I might still want you, but no, I'm not sure I can handle exploring that. I'm not sure I can handle more.

I'm not sure I'm brave enough, for more.

Paige was the brave one.

"I agree."

It wasn't until Paige began gathering her things, until the awkward small talk they tried and failed to cultivate died down, that the panic began to rise within Emily again. A sick, stark panic that got the irrational part of her, the same irrational part of her that had gotten them into this sorry mess in the first place, drumming up the urge to beg Paige to reconsider.

Emily didn't beg.

"I'll see you at practice."

It felt to Emily like the air had been kicked from her, as the door clicked shut. Again Emily felt the urge to run after Paige, to beg, but again, what she could only hope was common sense and not cowardice, prevailed.

It wasn't fair, to tug at Paige, when she still had so much to figure out. When they both had so much to figure out. When Paige obviously felt something for her. Something maybe she'd always felt, if Aria really was telling the truth.

Something she had always felt. Paige had just admitted as much.

And god, could Emily see it now. In the way Paige had always looked at her, in the unwavering patience she so willingly offered her, in the small gestures, in the subtle touches. The gifts, the warmth, the affection.

It wasn't fair, Emily knew, to play with Paige's emotions. It wasn't fair, to agree to space and rip it away, all because she was afraid to be alone.

Yes, Emily had established she had feelings for Paige. But she still didn't know what to do with that information. Did she act upon them and risk losing everything they had?

Another thought kicked the wind from Emily, as she heard Paige's door open and close faintly, across the hallway.

What if she already had?