Divided by Two
Pain for Jayne prompt: Smile.
One is the loneliest number, much, much worse than two.
One is the number divided by two.
— "One", by Harry Nilsson (as performed by Aimee Mann)
"I want out," came her voice in the silence. "This is no longer right."
He sighed and sat heavily in the chair behind him.
"We are too tense to touch. You never call me anything but my name. Your brain is a swamp of resentment. You resent me," River spoke clearly and without emotion from their bed.
Jayne stared at the floor. He wasn't sure she was right about how he felt. He wasn't sure what he felt, anymore.
"When did it go wrong, River? What did I do?" He wanted to save this. Marriage was a commitment for life. Failure, giving up, running scared—they weren't options.
The woman sitting across from him snorted. "It's not that easy, Jayne. I can't look back and point out one moment that started this. Maybe we're just too damaged. Maybe I'm too damaged to be a proper lover. To love back."
He looked at her then, met her eyes. "You don't love me?"
Her gaze was steady. "No, I don't. I don't feel anything but tired. Please, Jayne, let me go."
He was going to protest. He would give her space and time and she would realize they could make it work.
"You're not a hero, Jayne. You're a fighter. You don't save things. You don't save me. You can't save this marriage." Her look killed his argument on his lips. "Marriage is union. Union makes multiple parts one. If one desires secession and the other denies it freedom, there is war. Civil war. Massive casualties. Greater resentment."
Her voice hardened to a threat. "I will have freedom. No cost is too great."
He knew she was telling the truth. He didn't think she was right, but killing him wouldn't help her find freedom. And he'd seen what she did to those who stood in her way. Better to give her the divorce now and be here when she figured things out and needed their marriage back.
He looked at her, his blue eyes shiny with tears, and nodded.
Later, Jayne would overhear Kaylee asking River how she could look so happy after leaving her husband. It was cruel, Kaylee would argue. She would slap River, hard, half-hoping to wake her friend from the new madness that had overtaken her.
River would look at Kaylee, tears filling her eyes, dark shadows beneath the brown pools. "Smile 'cause it hurts so much—too much—to weep. Feelings are deadly. Feelings get people killed: Miranda. Wash. Book. The Universe man. You. Simon. Mal. Inara. Zoe. Me. Jayne. Better to maintain distance, remain singular. Easier alone."
Easier alone, Jayne would think. He would have to agree. Easier, but just as deadly.