A/N- As ever, apologies for delays.
Also note I got nothing against nurses, doctors or any other medical professionals (just firemen; god I hate those layabout, attention seekers ;p) This is just a piece of comedic writing for my amusement, so no offence intended to anyone out there (except firemen; screw you guys, try doing some real work for a change!).
Thanks for your reviews.
When does the new Community air by the way folks? I don't know about you people, but I can't wait!
-Grey.
Jeff led the procession of friends, as he wheeled the stretcher up the narrow ramp towards the resuscitation entrance of the emergency department. Hot on his heels, in more then one respect, was the ever-bubbly Annie, a pouting Britta and Shirley the cloying.
Their leader halted just before the door and turned back to his friends, in the carpark further back, he noticed a worried looking, middle aged woman exiting a car and focusing on the group at the top of the ramp.
Reaching for the pad of paperwork, Jeff quickly split open the hinged clipboard to withdraw a yellow sheet of paper. He gave the document a cursory glance before looking up at Shirley and Britta.
"Is that this guy's family?" He quickly asked in a hushed tone, referring to the prone man on the stretcher.
"That's his wife I think." Britta answered, unable to remember the nervous woman's name.
"Margaret," Shirley provided helpfully, "She's raised three kids, but apparently still hasn't got the hang of keeping a house clean." She added sweetly in criticism of the other woman's home.
"Not important," Jeff ruled, cutting off Shirley's judgement of a fellow housewife.
"What is important, is this," He declared, waving the yellow sheet of paper to the two women.
"What's that?" Annie asked, nervously glancing back at the patient and wondering what could be so important to delay his entry into the hospital.
"This Annie, is the only thing that stops our poorly trained, but well sculpted ass's, from going to prison." Jeff explained irreverently, with a cocked eyebrow.
"It is a liability waiver I drafted up that annuls Greendale Ambulance officers of any culpability from patients or their family that receive our care." The smarmy ex-lawyer elaborated, creating quotation marks with two fingers on each hand at the word care.
The sick man on the bed gave a raspy cough and Annie shot a stern look at the tall officer, who had halted their progress.
"Jeff!" She reprimanded strictly and started tugging on the stretcher once more.
Jeff made a face at her insistent tone and started to push on the wheeled gurney once more, but not before pressing the sheet of paper into Shirley's hands.
"Get the wife to sign it Shirley," He ordered exactingly, shooting her a serious glance.
The pious woman nodded uncertainly at his request.
"I mean it Shirley," Jeff called solemnly; looking back over his shoulder, "This is important, use all the motherly guilt you have to, just get her signature."
Understanding how important her task was, Shirley ignored the dig at her personality and headed to intercept the patient's wife with a sympathetic expression.
A little jealous that Jeff hadn't entrusted her to the vital assignment, Britta furthered her pout.
I'm a psyche major, I'm a useful person, she simmered in indignation.
"What should I do?" She asked Jeff, hoping for an equally important role.
The tall man sent her a condescending look as he opened the door to the department.
"Why don't you make yourself useful and clean up the truck?" He yelled back in reply, easily falling back into his usual pattern of bringing others down.
"Hmmptth." The blonde scowled back at the pointy-faced man, unable to think of a decent riposte, as he and Annie took their patient in.
Hazarding a peek into the back of their ambulance, her frown deepened at the floor that was cluttered with discarded medical rubbish; the assorted plastic packaging from the medical equipment they had used in the job. The tangled cables of the heart monitor seemed to mock her with the untidy mess they formed on the single remaining stretcher.
"A great application of my psycho-analytic skills," She mumbled moodily, reluctantly climbing up the steps to get started.
Annie was assaulted by the sudden wave of heat from the hospital air-conditioning; she hadn't even noticed how cold it was outside. The excitement of the job and other recent developments had apparently rendered her impervious to the dropping temperature.
Her eyes instantly narrowed and her lips tightened at the favourable looks Jeff received from a couple of the arriving young nurses.
Are they prettier than me? She briefly and insecurely considered, sizing up the competition.
Annie almost started skipping when she noted that Jeff completely ignored even the more attractive pair (of nurses) and instead honed his attention on the doctor.
"Heya Jeff! Hi Annie!" The sickeningly friendly man greeted them with a huge grin.
Jeff's expression pretty much matched Annie's face of earlier displeasure as he grated out a cursory greeting to the guy he despised.
"Rich," He growled, putting as much loathing into the single word as he could manage.
The increased saturation of revile in his name went completely unnoticed by the boyish doctor, who casually took a swig from the massive two litre water bottle he was carrying.
"I just get so gosh darn parched on these nightshifts, don't you Jeff?" Doc Pottery-Wood explained to Jeff and his lifted eyebrow.
"It's thirsty work just standing around telling nurses what to do." Jeff agreed sarcastically.
"Well what have you got for me tonight guys?" Rich asked good-naturedly, putting his drink down and switching his eyes between the pair, to see who was going to handover the patient.
"Fifty-five year old geezer, called with chest pain and had an allergic reaction to medications on the way here." Jeff colloquially detailed, disregarding most medical conventions in favour of sounding nonchalant and irritated.
"Oh dear, that's no good!" Rich remarked, shooting a sympathetic frown at the prone man who was being slid across onto a hospital bed.
"What medications have you given him?" The handsome doctor enquired lightly, shooting a dazzling grin at the nurse who was attaching the heart monitor.
Jeff turned to his more mentally astute offsider, who happily answered for him.
"He's had the Aspirin, GTN, Morphine, Arnica extract, a total of 1.4mg of Adrenaline and approximately 700mls of Mountain Dew." Annie replied, reading off the patient report form where it had all been documented.
Rich raised an eyebrow friendlily at the extensive and unusual list of medicines.
"Arnica and Mountain Dew huh?" He chuckled softly, reaching for his drink once more for another sip.
"Live Wire Mountain Dew," Annie quickly interjected, like it was an important distinction.
Rich chuckled again shaking his head appreciatively.
"Wow you Greendale Ambo's sure have some interesting treatments." He teased the pair lightly.
Jeff's face visibly darkened at the playful comment.
"Well we do what we can with what we have," Annie mumbled, embarrassed at the substandard resources they had available.
"And giving adrenaline to a cardiac patient, that's a pretty bold move Jeff." Rich whistled admiringly, giving the other man a wink.
For an obviously intelligent man, Rich seemed to miss just how much his comments wound up the narcissistic ex-lawyer.
"Well it was either that or let his throat close up," Jeff snidely replied, contempt sneaking into his voice.
Rich laughed again at this response.
"You are a funny man Mr. Winger." He declared shooting a finger at the sarcastic, simmering Jeff.
"And you're a complete tool." Jeff returned the compliment with a wide grin.
"Yeah," Annie found herself stubbornly agreeing with Jeff and folding her arms in disapproval of the goody two shoes doctor.
"We may not have a hospital full of proper equipment or a doctorate in medicine, but we do the best we can and you have no right to look down on us." She haughtily reprimanded him, jabbing a finger into his chest.
Jeff was almost as shocked as Rich was by the outburst from Formidable Annie.
Indeed the whole curtained off room was held in the spell of her tirade.
Looking around at her gathered audience of nurses, Annie's face twisted further in outrage.
"And I make quite the nurse do I Rich?" She threw his words back at him.
"Well maybe I don't want to be part of the harem," Annie spat, causing a widespread ripple of offence by the gathered medical professionals.
"Because you wear all that makeup to change the beds right?" She sarcastically accused one of the young pretty females who was watching the drama.
Finally Annie's expression transformed into something a lot more attractive and pleasant. It was look of pride and triumph.
"I think I'd far rather be a paramedic for Greendale, than a nurse for a doctor." She declared loudly to her shocked audience.
Jeff was impressed and astounded at the same time, a barely suppressed smirk lighting his features, as he leaned on their now empty stretcher and enjoyed the show.
"Come on Jeff, let's go," Annie coolly called to her partner, ripping off the patient report form and dropping it on a nearby bench for the hospital staff.
Shirley returned from getting her signature on Jeff's weasel worded document and climbed up the back to see if Britta needed any more help refurbishing their ambulance.
The blonde had practically finished though and all the housewife was left to do was straighten up the sheet on the stretcher.
"Maybe there is hope for you yet Britta." Shirley commented on the tidy state of the vehicle.
"Oh goody, I may still make it as a domestic slave yet?" Britta sarcastically replied.
The African-American woman narrowed her eyes dangerously.
"You did NOT just go there with the slavery call." Shirley warned her friend.
The blonde back-pedalled frantically and quickly changed the subject.
"Ahh well now we are all clean here should we help out Troy and Abed by doing their truck while they are inside." She swiftly suggested, nodding to indicate the other Greendale vehicle parked up beside theirs.
"That would be a nice thing to do Britta," Shirley conceded sweetly and turning the other cheek to the slight against her.
Jesus would let that one slide, she decided, before proceeding to watch Britta do all the work as payback.
"Was that you I heard yelling, Annie?" Troy asked popping his head out from one of the curtained cubicles as her and Jeff passed them. Abed of course poked his head out right above his best friend's in a comical fashion to hear the response.
"Forget it, it was nothing." The girl dismissed suddenly shy at her outburst.
"Annie just served up Doc Do-No-Wrong and his pack of slutty nurses." Jeff happily announced to his friends.
Troy whistled appreciatively, some of them do look pretty slutty, he agreed in anything but disappointment. He looked over his shoulder guiltily to make sure Britta wasn't around to read his traitorous thoughts.
Abed required further clarification.
"Jeff were these the same promiscuous women that you were-"
He abruptly halted as Jeff desperately made a frantic 'shut up' signal by cutting his hand across his neck in a throat slitting motion. It suddenly turned into a vigorous neck scratch as Annie turned to peer back at him curiously.
Jeff instantly put on his best court-tested look of innocence, to counteract the sudden suspicion he encountered.
"Wait is that Jeffery out there?!" A high-pitched voice called from Troy and Abed's cubicle.
Troy rolled his eyes in exasperation and pulled back the curtain to allow his patient to see.
"This is 'Jean' the Dean's 'sister'. " He introduced with added inflections of disbelief as he said 'her' name and relation.
"I've heard so much about you Jeffery," The weird longhaired patient squealed in excitement.
The Jeff in question just stared in horror, utterly speechless.
"You never reply to my texts," The patient pouted, twisting in discomfort at the pain in their abdomen.
"We think this is actually the Dean in drag." Abed informed the new shocked pair, bluntly, somewhat unnesicarily and slightly louder then he should have.
It didn't take long for the couple to come to the same conclusion.
"Even for him this is just weird," Annie commented uncomfortably.
"Where is Britta? She would have a field day with this." Troy mused.
"It probably actually explains quite a lot." Jeff decided thinking of their odd administrator.
"I wonder how long the Dean has also been his own sister for?" Abed pondered, seeing the potential for Toronto film festival dynamite.
"How long have I been what for?" Dean Pelton enquired, walking around the corner to find members of his favourite study group.
Conversation immediately ceased and Troy stood with his mouth agape pointing a finger at the two incarnations of the Dean.
One lay in the bed with stringy, shoulder length red hair and a barely decent hospital gown, the other stood at the entrance in his usual bland shirt/tie combo.
"That just wrinkled my brain." He whispered, sitting down in a chair abruptly and sinking his straining brain into his hands.
The rest of the group was still too stunned to speak and the Dean ignored them for once.
Running over to his sister, he threw his arms around her.
"Oh my god, are you alright Jeannie?" The scrawny bespectacled man exclaimed, "I got the call from the hospital and thought you must have been in some kind of Deanger."
"Oh Craig, I had a sore tummy, but Troy took good care of me." Jean reassured him, adjusting her own square glasses and tucking a strand of red hair behind her ear.
"How can I ever repay you Troy?" The Dean whispered dashing over to embrace a resistant and still confused Troy.
"Letting go, would be a good start." He mumbled against the constricting arms and head that was attempting to snuggle up against his chest.
Jeff tilted his head to a side and finally spoke.
"Huh, so the Dean actually has a sister." He remarked, still doubtful. He hadn't ruled out the prospect of this being an elaborate set-up involving a Doppledeaner or Deanleganger.
"So it would seem," Annie slowly agreed, equally suspicious.
"Their physical characteristics are a 99% match." Abed calculated and began to draw conclusions of his own.
"Of course we are," Dean Pelton cried, releasing Troy and heading back to his sister's side.
"We are iDeanticle twins after all," He declared proudly, pulling his sister in close to show the resemblance.
Jeff noticed the family similarities in the way the pair creepily undressed him with their eyes.
"So why does your stomach hurt Jean?" The Dean asked his sister.
"Well you remember the party last night right?" Jean replied.
The Dean's eyes seemed to glaze over and Annie was sure she could almost see little Dalmatian furries dancing in them.
"Bits and pieces," The weirdo replied noncommittally.
"Well you may remember their was that butch biker who brought that massive cucumber with him.." Jean elaborated.
"Well that sounds like our cue to leave." Jeff hastily decided, taking Annie's arm.
The girl blushed furiously at the implication of the Pelton's story and curiosity almost compelled her to stay, but Jeff's insistent tug was stronger.
"Bye Jeffery," The two Pelton's paused their story to yell, as their favourite escaped.