Marvar: So, I'm quite pleased that my fic-whoring ways did not ruin my higher education. (Just made me look like a slacker.)

cosmogirl7481: I'm so proud of you! Congratulations on your Masters! Now you're a highly-educated fic-whore...like me!

Marvar: Yes, I feel so educated as I'm typing in my iPhone at thr gas station at six am.

cosmogirl7481: Educated and a multi-tasker! You're even hotter to me now.

Marvar: I wanted to be your equal so we wouldn't have any marital problems.

cosmogirl7481: The only marital problems we have stem from the amount of emo fic that I read. It makes me moody.

Marvar: That's why I avoid emo and read fluff. I balance your angst. We are MFEO.

cosmogirl7481: We sure the fuck are.

Chapter 9

Re: Super Freak and Sexy Geek

EMPOV

Sweet fuck. What a bunch of scandalous hood-rats in this bar. I'm getting crabs just from the suggestive looks. I'm pretty sure Edward would douse himself in penicillin if he wasn't so oblivious to the attention. I turn to him - maybe said skanks will think we're a couple and stop staring.

"So Ed, have you told Nips about the move, yet?" I ask.

Edward gives me a dirty look because I call her that. I already know how he'll react, but I like to push his buttons. He's still a little uptight. He used to be worse - one time he wrote me a strongly-worded letter protesting my use of slang when I texted him. I laughed and told him to STFU. Of course he didn't get it.

"Emmett, you know that I protest the use of that nickname. I have made it clear and you have a high mental ability, so I conclude that you are trying to coerce me into an argument," Edward scowls at me as he sips his scotch. Ha! I notice his new favorite drink. It must remind him of her. I should ask him if they did anything freaky with it.

Despite the persistent geekiness (above comments are evidence to that statement), Edward seems a little more relaxed. Two months ago he wouldn't have even gone to the bar with me. Now he can walk in and sit down without pulling out his pocket pack of anti-bacterial wipes. (That used to be embarrassing.)

When I met Edward five years ago, I thought he was one of those cyborgs from Terminator (that movie kicks ass) – programmed with no sense of humor and a brilliant mind. Now I know he has no sense of humor, but he's not a robot. He's just really loyal and caring and extremely fucking focused. What other 24 year old cares more about studying and his family than getting laid? Yeah, that's what I thought. And Edward could get laid plenty, especially with me as a wingman. He just doesn't take advantage of his attributes. That's why we get along so well. Other dudes can't accept my brains and my hotness – whereas Edward doesn't give a shit. He likes me for me. OK, that sounded a little brokeback, but I don't care.

That Bella chick is doing him some good. I know the cyber-sex must be hot because I'm pretty sure I've caught him after giving Little Eddie some action. Whatever turns him on. And I'm positive Bella knows Little Eddie's switch.

But I need real live girl action.

And unlike Edward, I don't have a girl.

Well, I could get one - or four. Just not the right one. Damn. I wish that Rose was the one. Until she treated me like a piece of man meat, I was sure that we would have had something beyond that one night. I guess it was karma biting me in the ass. How many girls had I treated like that? Yeah, too many. But not anymore. My man-whore days are over.

I still fantasize about Rose; she is spectacular looking regardless of her dumb-blonde tendencies. She is actually like a female version of the old me – but I just want someone with brains and a strong personality. But damn, those long legs, kneeling down, full lips on -

"Alice!" Edward shouts, interrupting my daydream. He is looking at his phone with a puzzled expression.

"What's Shorty texting you that's getting you all excited?" I ask and Edward looks horrified as he texts something back to whom I assume is his little sister.

"I am not excited!" he growls at me.

"Chill, Dr. Love. You're the one yelling shit in the bar. Let me see that phone." I grab it from his hands and read the text. "What the fuck do we have here? 'I get so fucking wet when I. . .' - oh fuck . . ." Edward groans and looks panicked. Um, yeah. That's wrong in all sorts of ways. I look at what he typed back. Please don't let it gross me out.

"Alice, are you high? What did the drugs look like? Stay there, I'll call 911."

Another text came in as I was reading. I laughed as I read it.

"Dude. Everything's cool. No need to bleach your eyes. It's Bella texting you on Alice's phone. It's not some freaky Flowers in the Attic bullshit."

"Wait. It's Bella?" And Edward looks like someone gave him a new fucking medical textbook.

I want that. No, not the textbook. That look. I know what it means. I just haven't experienced it.

"Emmett, what is Flowers in the Attic? It sounds like where my mom buys crafts. And give me my phone."

"Relax, Ed. Don't give yourself a shit attack." I send a quick message before I give it back.

"You little freak. Keep up the good work. Edward is worth it. From Emmett."

"There is no such thing as a "shit attack," he grumbles. God he's such a nerd. "Emmett! What did you write?" he asks as he grabs the phone from my hands. His face relaxes as he reads. He actually gets a little pink in the cheeks. I watch him as his whole face changes as he types and reads. Motherfucker is sexting as I sit here like a loser.

Can you believe this shit?

RPOV

Fuck, yes! I love drunk Bella!

Technically, I love Bella all the time, but when Bella is drinking, she's a fucking riot. Except for that one time our freshman year.

We were drinking and she convinced me to do shots of Tequila Rose, "because it was like my name." Yeah, really great idea. I don't know who the fuck drinks that shit, but when I took the shot and the milky-pink substance came out of my nose, I assure you, it wasn't funny. My nasal passages were on fire and it hurt so badly, I thought that she was going to have to take me to the emergency room.

She refused to take me, however. She told me that we were going to get in trouble for underage drinking. (Because Bella's all kinds of straight-laced and shit.) Then she said that all they were going to do was flush my sinuses with saline solution, and then she added that she could do that for free. She also had the balls to tell me that at least she hadn't suggested Wild Turkey because I was "wild." This made me laugh and I forgot all about the line of fire in my nose, and honestly, we've been best friends ever since.

See, here's the thing. I don't like other women. No, forget that. Usually, other women don't like me. I mean, I get it. Really, I do. Women, for the most part, are jealous and catty bitches. And I'm not trying to be conceited, but I know what I look like. I'm fucking hot. And most women treat me like I walk around with a portable pole, in clear, plastic stripper shoes, but Bella never has. She has always just been herself and she has always seen past the outside (which is fabulous, I'm not gonna lie) and cared about who I am as a person.

So, I guess you would call her my best friend...only friend, whatever. Regardless, right now, my best friend is pretty fucking wasted.

This whole thing with Alice, who is apparently Edward's sister, could have been a real cluster-fuck. I mean, really. How is it possible that the little pixie she met in yoga just happens to be the sister of the guy she fucked on spring break? Come the fuck on! That shit doesn't happen! Yet, here Bella sits, drinking it up with her. It was touch and go for a moment there, but I'll be damned if Alice wasn't able to talk her way out of it. I've never heard anyone talk as much and as fast as she did in those few short moments. She keeps saying that Bella is perfect for him and that no one has ever understood her brother like this. And while I may not completely understand this Edward guy, I think I have a pretty good grasp on who he is.

He seems upstanding enough with his emails and his ability to plaster a permanent grin on my friend's face. He's in medical school, which means he must not be a complete and total moron like the last guy Bella dated. With all that being said though, he appears to have shitty taste in friends. Douchebag friends that are fuckhot and I can't stop thinking about.

Emmett.

Yeah, I talked to him that night after Bella ditched me at the bar to go play 'Spin the Stethoscope' with Dr. Eddie. I briefly wonder if it will piss him off if I call him that and I secretly hope it does. But Emmett? Who the fuck does he think he is? As a rule, men don't turn me down. Especially men like that. He was all broad shoulders and dimpled smiles and big hands with long, thick fingers that I couldn't stop staring at as he held his glass of scotch. Long, thick fingers bode well for other appendages having a little extra length and girth. And not for nothing, but a girl could use a little extra length…and girth. I have a feeling that any other appendage on his smoking-hot body, would be above average in the length department. In other words, he was right up my alley.

So, I approached him at the bar. I was using all my best moves, too. My hair was working and my tits, well…my tits are always working, if you know what I mean. I didn't make them, but they sure as fuck look like I paid someone to. Again, I'm not being conceited; it's just the truth. I was all breathy voice and batting lashes and I could tell that he was into me and then out of nowhere…

I am snapped back into reality from my thoughts of Emmett when I realize that Bella has what I can only assume in Alice's pink Blackberry. Bella has a Blackberry, but she would never have the color pink. Her phone is black. Like a nun or a construction worker. "Pink is too girlie," she always says. I then have to remind her that she has boobs…and nice ones, too. Not as nice as mine, but I'd totally feel her up in some alternate universe where we were sorority sisters and wanted to "experiment." Fuck, I'd probably feel her up now and I might have to resort to that if I don't get laid soon. The problem is that since I met Emmett, no other man has held my interest. Why the fuck didn't he want me?

I watch as she plays with the buttons on the Blackberry and her face is all concentrated and she's biting her bottom lip. I realize that she is sending a text message. Of course, I realize it a little too fucking late, because let's face it; I'm a little drunk myself because I have been matching these bitches shot for fucking shot. Then, Bella looks up and she's all flushed and grinning like a leaky whore and I realize that she's just texted Edward. From Alice's phone. I don't know what she's said, but from the look on her face, I can tell it wasn't something "sisterly."

"What did you say?" I ask.

Before she has a chance to tell me the phone pings and she receives a text message.

"Eww…no!" she cries out and it's really loud and people are staring at the table next to us, but I don't really give a fuck.

"What's wrong?" Alice asks.

"Edward thinks I'm you!"

These two are really tripping me out and I am laughing hysterically because Alice doesn't seem to understand and Bella is clearly mortified by what she said in the text message. I really need to see what the fuck DizzyBella has said. I grab the phone from her hand and I scroll back to see what she's typed and as soon as I read the words, "I got so fucking wet when I was chatting with you last night…" I am nearly doubled over in laughter. Bella snatches the phone from my hand and looks at me all humiliated and questioning.

"You dumbass," I say in amusement. "Why in the fuck would you text that to him from his sister's phone? He will never be able to get a boner again!"

She immediately texts another response, telling him that it was her and not his sister.

Alice is trying not to laugh, but the absurdity of the moment it too much for her to take and she joins me in the hilarity.

"Oh, my god," Bella moans. "Emmett is there! He just texted me!"

"What?" I ask, suddenly at attention at just the mention of his name.

Bella doesn't respond, but instead continues to type and laugh as she blushes. She's so fucking cute and even though this has been a priceless moment that I will never, for one minute, allow her to live down…I am really happy for her. And maybe for the first time in my life, I am jealous of another woman.

I ponder that for a moment and then I turn to Alice.

"So," I say directly. "Tell me about Edward's friend, Emmett. What's his fucking deal?"

From: Edward Masen

To: Bella Swan

Re: Plans for the Future

To my Bella,

Well, we are back to our original mode of conversation. I have to admit that I am thrilled to converse with you in any type of medium, but I very much enjoy this way of interaction. I like having the ability to think and edit as I write to you. I omitted a comma in our g-chat and I'm having nightmares about it. (As a Lit major, I'm sure you can appreciate my mortification.)

So I have some news that I hope that will please you. I am graduating soon and will begin my residency in July. I was accepted at the Stanford University Hospital. I want you to know that I applied months ago to this program. Actually, my whole family is moving because my father will be head of the medical school there.

Bella, I'll be near you. I didn't plan it this way, but how fortuitous nonetheless. It's amazing that things worked out this way; it almost makes me believe in fate and other non-scientific ideas. Almost - I still have no empirical evidence.

Please tell me that you want me near you, because I desperately want to be with you. (I hope that you don't think that's too forward, but judging from your recent text messages, I would think not.)

Can we chat about this?

Yours,

Edward

dizzybella69: Hey

LatinLover: Hello.

dizzybella69: How are you?

LatinLover: I'm somewhat embarrassed about our recent exchange.

dizzybella69: I think that I am the one that should be embarrassed.

dizzybella69: You must think that I am some crazy drunk girl. I promise, I'm not Lindsay Lohan!

LatinLover: The little red-haired girl from "The Parent Trap?" What's wrong with that? She seemed very wholesome in the film. I watched it while flying back from France. I think you are lovely. But you may want to evaluate your alcohol intake. If you are having bad reactions, you may have some sort of allergic reaction.

I can send you some information.

dizzybella69: I think that I just overdid it, but in my defense, I had just found out that Alice was your sister. That was...umm...kind of shocking. I was more than a little embarrassed.

LatinLover: Imagine my feelings when I saw that text. Shock is putting it mildly. Emmett said it was almost Flowers in the Attic. I Googled it and was disturbed by the erotic content.

dizzybella69: Speaking of erotic content, would you be willing to share with me what you think about my first text to you last night? Now that you know it was me and not…your sister.

LatinLover: Um, I'm thrilled that I can produce such a strong physical response from you. I actually grinned in the bar. And Bella, I would share everything with you.

dizzybella69: See? When you say things like that...it makes me have reactions like the one I texted you about. You make me feel so...so special.

LatinLover: You are special. It's my job to make you feel that way. Well, if you let it be my job. It's your choice, of course. I am not sexist or anything.

dizzybella69: I don't think you're sexist, but I don't want to be considered a job. It sounds like a responsibility. I want to be something enjoyable...pleasurable. That's what you are to me.

LatinLover: I like work. I enjoy responsibility. It is pleasurable to me if you are involved.

dizzybella69: I can see that about you. You are so much more serious than anyone I've ever met. I like that about you. It's so different from anyone else that I know. How am I pleasurable, Edward?

LatinLover: I'm sorry. I sound boring, right? I have always been serious, even when I was little. That's probably why I don't have many friends. I hope that doesn't discourage you from talking to me.

The ways you are pleasurable:

Your honesty, your intelligence, your soft skin, your scent, your acceptance of me.

dizzybella69: I would never call you boring...or even think it. You make me laugh on a daily basis and you speak to me in sexy languages. You increase my heart rate so much, I think it's causing me to lose weight. And I'm already really small. (giggles)

LatinLover: Just make sure your heart rate doesn't go past a certain level. I am going to email you a table so you can monitor yourself. Oh, and please don't lose any weight. You are perfect the way you are. (And I'm sure you fall within the AMA guidelines for appropriate BMI.)

dizzybella69: Edward, I was only joking about the weight-loss thing. But you could send me a table if it makes you feel better. You just make me giddy and girlie and you make me feel like I'm a teenager again. This is all really new to me. I like it...you're fun. I really think you're wonderful.

LatinLover: I am fun? No one has ever said that to me. Emmett says I am the antidote for fun.

dizzybella69: Well, I don't know about that, Edward. He sure spends a lot of time with you to think that you're no fun. Besides…I know first-hand just how much fun you can be.

LatinLover: Bella, I'm sure you can understand why I would not share THAT kind of fun with Emmett. And I will use my hands first when I see you next. (and probably my mouth)

dizzybella69: Oh, Edward. That was…hot. I think I like chatting with you and getting an immediate response. I want you to use your hands first? (and DEFINITELY your mouth?)

So, you're really coming to Stanford this summer?

LatinLover: Yes. In late June. How do you feel about that?

dizzybella69: If I could hug you right now, I would! That is wonderful news, Edward! I have some good news for you, too.

LatinLover: What is it?

dizzybella69: Rose and I have decided to stay in Berkeley for the summer. We have to keep the apartment anyway, so I'm only going to visit my parents for a week in Phoenix.

LatinLover: Bella, that's the best news. If I could hug you, I would. I still remember holding you and I need to do that again soon.

dizzybella69: So, will you come and visit me? I really hope you will. And Edward, I remember you holding me, as well. Soon can't get here fast enough.

LatinLover: I will visit you every minute I have away from the hospital. (I mean that literally.)

dizzybella69: Me, too! I'll visit you, too. I mean if your schedule permits it, of course.

LatinLover: You can't see me, but I'm grinning.

dizzybella69: And I'm blushing…everywhere.

LatinLover: Ahh. Beautiful. You're making me miss you more, if that's possible.

dizzybella69: I hope it's possible. I miss you like crazy, Edward. I think about you all the time.

Also, I adore your sister.

LatinLover: Alice. She's quite a force of nature isn't she? She received all the personality traits I didn't.

dizzybella69: I think I like your personality traits more. I base this on the fact that I want to kiss you. Alice, not so much.

LatinLover: I want to kiss you too, Bella. I think about it all the time. Almost to the point of distraction.

dizzybella69: I'm pressing my fingers to my lips and I'm pretending they're your mouth. It's not as soft, but nothing really is. Is it June yet?

LatinLover: Wow. That made me aroused. I wish it really was me. Soon, love.

Did you know that you'll be less than 31 miles from me?

dizzybella69: I love that I know that you used Google maps to figure that out.

Edward, you make me smile.

LatinLover: Until I can touch you, Bella, I need to hear you.

Will you let me call you?

End Notes:

Reviewers get Edward in their box. (We are really trying.)

Thank you to everyone who reads and reviews. Sorry we didn't get to everyone this week, but we put our effort into finishing the chapter. (Usually if you ask, Edward will PM you.)

If you would like to bid for some Love in Your Box, contact AllyinPerth on twitter. She's captain of Team LiMB for Fandom Gives Back.

Also I, Marvar, am the Team Darcyward captain for Retail Therapy by Cosmogirl7481. Contact me on Twitter (marvar29) or email forthwithward (at) gmail (dot) com to support FGBEclipse. Cosmo promises some hot lemon action.

Talk to us on Twitter: cosmogirl7481 and marvar29

See you next Friday!