Chapter 10
Christian POV
I am so fucking tired. I got absolutely no sleep. Every time I dozed off I had nightmares. I finally gave up and just came out here to the piano. I can't even play anything. My mind is swirling with all of the shit from yesterday, mixed with all of the shit from that fateful day 5 years ago. Makes for one fucked up mind!
I don't even know where to begin to try to sort this mess out. I would call Flynn, but he kicked my ass to the curb 5 years ago and told me to come back when I really wanted help. The bastard wouldn't even listen to me last time. He said divorcing Ana was the most bizarre thing he had ever heard come from my mouth. I couldn't make him understand that it was necessary to keep her safe. Linda had a similar reaction. She told me not to react but to talk to Ana, and tell her everything. How I was feeling and why I was so freaking scared for her. She told me that John would be so disappointed in me if I went through with my insane plan. I figured what is one more person being disappointed in me, the list is long.
Just how the hell did Linda expect me fix my life? There isn't enough time in eternity to make amends to Ana. And ever if there was, I haven't a clue where to start.
At least I took care of one detail in that damn letter I sent a text to Taylor and told him he wasn't fired. I need to talk to him, but I am not sure I will make any sense. Why did she give Ana a letter? What could Linda possibly have to say to Ana?
I can't figure that out right now. Maybe Taylor knows. I will have to add that to the list of things I need to talk to him about.
I can run a multi-billion dollar company. I am ruthless in the board room. I don't hesitate to make decisions that are difficult. But I'll be damned if I can figure out how to have a personal life that is not fucked up. The one and only loving relationship I had in my life I destroyed.
The two years of my marriage were the best two years I can ever remember. I was happy. I laughed and had fun. I rejoined my family and learned to enjoy them. I could be touched. I felt love and I gave love. I felt whole. I have not felt that way since. I am alone. My family tolerates me, but their disappointment in me is evident. There is no other woman in my life and hasn't been since that day 5 years ago. Linda lived here for the past 5 months, but she was dying and it was my responsibility to make sure she was comfortable and could die in peace. According to her letter I at least did that right.
Every night when I would go to her room I would sit in the chair and we would talk. She was always holding the picture of her and John on their wedding day that she kept on the bed side table. She loved him so very much. She would do anything for him. I think she was so at peace with the fact that she was dying because she believed she was going to be with the love of her life again. She wanted to hear about Ana. I told her about how we met, our wedding and honeymoon, and about the love we had for each other. It was not unlike what she and John had. And like her I still loved Ana just as she loved John. There was no room in either of our hearts for anyone else.
A week after I moved back into Escala, I had the playroom destroyed. I had thought of returning to my life before Ana. But I knew that anyone I would take into that room would mean I was cheating on Ana. That I couldn't do. My punishment for what I did to Ana was celibacy. The least I could do was honor the vows I made to her. Crazy isn't it punishing myself for my own actions. Why can't I make people understand, I HAD to divorce Ana. God knows I didn't want to!
In order to be successful in my world, mergers and acquisitions, you never show your hand until you know can win. There are secrets and omissions. Some say it is a cut-throat business, and they may be right. But I didn't get to where I am by sharing information or as some say 'playing nice'. Nice is not a word that belongs in my world. I see a problem, analyze it, find a solution and execute it. It is just that simple. It is what I do. The fights that Ana and I had were always about not 'sharing' information with her and just acting without consulting her. I saw no need to 'consult' her; I had already taken the steps, analyze, find solution and acted. Why did I need to bother her with anything? There was no need for her to worry, problem solved. I did what I know I can do best. I admit that I was at least starting to tell her more. I still didn't feel I needed her input. Not that she wasn't smart enough, because she was. I was just more logical and knew what was needed.
One night, Linda was having a bad night and couldn't sleep. We were sitting in her room, talking, she was telling me about the fight her and John had a couple of days before he left for Somalia. He just flat out told he was going. People were dying; starving, hurting and they needed the shipment of food and aid supplies. End of discussion. Linda said she told him her was not going to pull "a Christian Grey" on her. I chuckled at that, but asked her to explain what she meant. She told me I was like a bulldozer. I made decisions and just charged ahead with making sure that I got the outcome I wanted or thought someone else wanted or needed. I never asked. I never took the time to listen to the other person. She and John didn't operate like that. They discussed everything. They listened to each other and they kept no secrets from each other. She said most times, whatever the issue, they usually reached a compromise. They did not make final decisions for each other. I had a hard time processing that concept. But, I think I am beginning to understand. That is what she meant when she told me five years ago to not react and to go talk to Ana.
Looking back, Ana would have enjoyed John and Linda. I should have brought them together. I didn't want to share the friendship I had with them. A secret I kept from Ana, because I was selfish. There were enough people in our lives that I had to share Ana with, my family, her family, Kate, that fucker Jose and anyone else that Ana considered a friend, including my entire staff. I wanted her all to myself. Roz was my business friend. But, John and Linda were people that I didn't have to worry about how I acted or what I said around them. I could be just Christian Grey. I could put aside the darkness and just be normal. They called me on my bullshit, not that I listened, obviously. I watched their interaction and pined for something close to it. They were so loving and caring with each other. They were MY friends. I don't share! I have no doubt that eventually John and Linda would have been brought into the "Ana Family".
Unlike me, John graduated from Harvard and wanted to start his own business. He asked me where the best place to start a shipping company would be. I told him Seattle. I would help him. He would be close. So he and Linda settled in and started J&L Shipping. John had a good head for business. I told him to stay private. No one to answer to, except himself. He liked that idea. He did well on his own. He and I just got together to bullshit mostly. Reminiscing about our Harvard years, his wife, my lack of a wife, and then we had Ana to talk about. John was a wealth of information on heart and flowers. We talked about my desire to help under developed countries. He wanted to help me with that endeavor. I watched over him like the brother he was to me. I sent some business toward John, but that is all I did. I did keep an eye on his company to make sure that no one would touch it. I kept him safe, just like I keep Elliot safe. He succeeded on his own. I was proud of him. I looked forward to watching his continued success.
I had a shipment of aid supplies that I needed to get to Somalia. I kept hitting road blocks. If I didn't soon get it there, the food was going to be spoilt and useless. John and I were having lunch and I mentioned it to him. He said he had some contacts and would try to help me. A few days later, he called me and said he everything lined up. He was going to port in Hobyo, it was the safest option. He said he would be personally seeing that the shipment got to its destination. His crew foreman couldn't go because his wife was expecting their first child and he needed to stay here. John had personally taken some other trips for aid delivery before, but never where there was danger. I argued with John about him going. It wasn't safe. The unrest in the area had escalated and one ship has already been destroyed trying to dock. I kept arguing, but John could be as stubborn as me. I even resorted to begging. Yes, 'the Christian Grey' begged. John was adamant Linda was not thrilled that he was going and they compromised, this would be his last trip.
I remember the day John died, like it was yesterday. Roz and I were in my office discussing my newest idea for a take-over. I was looking forward to spending the evening with Ana at home. It was one of the few nights we didn't have to go to a social event. My thoughts were interrupted when Welch came barging into the office. Damn, he never knocks. "Sir, we just got word that the ship heading to Hobyo was blown up in the harbor. There were no survivors." My heart stopped beating for a moment, I felt weak all over. This can't be happening. John, on my god, John is gone. I had to get to Linda. I had to tell her. I owed her that. I told Andrea to cancel the rest of the day. Welch was instructed to get me everything he could on what happened. He was to contact all the families and make arrangements for compensation and funeral arrangements. I would take care of Linda. I would be in touch with him later in the day. I told Taylor to get me to John's house, pronto. The ride to John's house was taking forever. How was I going to tell Linda that the love of her life was gone and it was my fault? I didn't keep him safe. My mind was in overdrive. I can't keep anyone safe. If only John would have listened to me. I told him not to go, hell, I begged him not to go. I should have demanded he stayed. I should have cancelled the damn shipment. But no, none of that happened and look at the result of me not making the right decision. I let this happen. I could have stopped it.
Taylor and I finally arrived at John's house. When Linda answered the door, I could see in her face that she knew something bad was coming. I remember my eyes filling with water, but willing myself not to cry. I didn't deserve to cry. It was my fault I had to say "Linda, the ship was blown up and John is gone." She was beyond grief-stricken; she lost the love of her life. Christ, she lost her reason for living. This was my doing. I tried my best to console her, but, there was nothing I say that would help. I told her not worry about the funeral arrangements or the business I would take care of everything.
Instead of going home, I went back to GEH. I needed to get an update from Welch and I wanted to be alone. I knew Andrea would make sure I was not disturbed. Thinking about it now, that was my first mistake. What would have happened if I had just gone home?
Sitting in my office, I kept thinking that I can't keep any one safe. All I want to do is protect the people that I love and care about. That is why I make the decisions that I do. I should have forbid John from going. That would have kept him safe. How can I keep Ana safe? She was safe before I brought her into my fucked up life. All of the horrible situations she has faced in the last two years are all because of me. I tried to tell her that I was no good for her, but she was stubborn, just like John. Ana is the epitome of all that is good and right with the world, just like John. I couldn't protect John, I HAVE to protect Ana. I know she will never leave me. Unlike me, she keeps her promises. I must leave her. It will kill me, but I must do this. It is for her preservation. No matter how bad the pain of her loss, I will know that she is safe.
I called legal and told them I wanted divorce papers drawn up and what I wanted in them. I told them I needed them within the hour and if I didn't have them, they were all fired. I got what I wanted. Went home and executed the plan. I did what any good CEO would do, analyze; find a solution and execute.
The next few days were a blur. Linda buried John. She was grieving but seemed to be doing as well as could be expected. I told her I was divorcing Ana, and she went absolutely ballistic. Similar to the reaction I got from Flynn. She tried to tell me to talk to Ana. I wasn't listening. I had made my executive decision and I needed to stick by it. I needed to be punished for my failure.
My phone ringing brings out of my memories. Shit, it's my mother. I let it go to voice mail.
Linda and her damn letter! I know she meant well, but, I don't see how I can do what she asks of me. How can I face the love of my life and tell her I am a complete ass? How can I explain to her why I was so callous and hateful towards her? Is there even an explanation for that? How can I tell her that I threw away the best thing I had in my life? Nothing I say or do can undo the damage I have caused. My life was empty before Ana, and it has been nothing since I left her. She is just better off without me. I just keep adding layer upon layer to my fuckedupness.