Sirius sat in the armchair of the extended living room of Grimmauld place, his feet elevated over the mismatched ottoman and his hands working through an old catalog of children's clothes and furniture that Molly Weasley had left discreetly at the end of a meeting.
He had dressed in many layers, fingerless smoking gloves over his clammy hands as he turned the pages carefully, his eyes darting down the moving pictures showing babies waddling around in jumpers and pajamas. Too lazy to gather freshly cut wood to start a fire, he simply took to wearing extra layers and his shoes around the house. The strange habit of wearing shoes had started out of his increasing restlessness as it made him feel as if he had somewhere to go and was just constantly in the middle of getting ready. Whatever annoying murmurs Kreacher spoke about poor etiquette learned from poor company, he felt it was a waste of having shoes if he didn't get the chance to wear them.
Snow was wafting on the ground outside in slow drifts, the first snow of the season that had not melted on contact with the warm ground. The muggles out driving their cars had slowed considerably to avoid collisions.
He had only gotten semi dressed and moved from his bed because Lupin would be bringing groceries by within the hour and he relished any human contact he could get as fewer and fewer Order members came by the house when the weather was bad and the holidays grew closer. Lupin knew better then to leave Sirius alone, taking it upon himself to pick up groceries at least once a week so he had something to look foreword to. Sometimes Lupin would even take him on walks around the neighborhood, an activity they kept to themselves as they knew Death Eaters would most likely be aware of Sirius's animagus abilities because of Lucius Malfoy. It was as Sirius pointed out however, highly unlikely that a death eater would be anywhere near Grimmauld Place as the place was not close enough to the ministry or Diagon Alley and therefore the people passing by the house would be predominately muggles.
Molly had been kind enough to leave the catalog for next years sales from a children's boutique in Diagon Alley, having been in the area to pick up a few things, Sirius imagined she couldn't help herself imagining a new child in the picture of their mostly aging secret organization, even though he had not confided in any of them whether or not he would actually be fathering the child as of yet, as he himself did not know. But he had started the very obvious process of what Molly referred to as 'the nesting instinct', which had manifested itself in a more vigorous amount of cleaning and the clearing of the room closest to his, which he called, only in his own head, the nursery.
He would start in the morning, taking the time to go over the carpet and clear any bits of dust or drywall that Kreacher had dutifully ignored over his years of living in the house. On other days he would work on stripping the hideous fifty year old wallpaper from the walls that had separated it's layers after years of water damage. He would crack the window around lunch time to let the room air out and then upon surveying his work, become incredibly intimidated.
How could he even be sure that Snape would let him come near the child? Dumbledore seemed to have entirely forgotten his request to come clean to Snape. He felt instantly foolish for going so far as to prepare a room for a child he may not even have, putting in so much work and effort only made him more afraid that when Dumbledore's news did arrive it would simply be a painfully sympathetic notice of rejection.
Sirius had begun to formulate a plan however, in the event that Snape did refuse him at first he knew he could not give up. Despite his situation of being hopelessly chained to the house he detested, he knew he could be tenacious in other ways.
He would write to Snape personally, requesting him to visit at the house and perhaps sending along with it, an item of goodwill to try his best to sway Snape over to at least hear him out. Something that would at least break the pride of the wretched man for long enough to try to make him understand his plight. If all else failed he supposed he could ask Dumbledore for guidance, in an attempt to force Snape to see reason.
It really was only Snape's incurable pride that really presented issue in at least allowing him to see the baby, well, that and his less then positive past he had with the professor. But could Snape really refuse him if he would fully apologize? Sirius knew that Snape could not possibly be as well inclined with money as he was. Judging from what he had witnessed at school, Snape always had everything second hand, whether it was books or clothes. Sirius was more then willing to share his whole fortune with his child, seeing as how Harry had plenty of gold and he himself didn't have much use for his inheritance when he was stuck at home and had no real ambition to spend it on anything other then groceries.
He smoothed the corner of the page between his thumb and forefinger, bringing the pages apart to turn.
Sirius knew better then to buy anything worth hundreds of galleons for the baby before he knew if he could even see it but it didn't stop him from thinking. He had already folded corners over of some pages baring items he would certainly purchase if Snape would allow him into the baby's life.
Between being dismally depressed, imagining Snape stonewalling him completely, he kept his mind hopeful and occupied by planning the layout of the child's nursery. There was still the antique baby furniture in the attic that both he and Regulus had made use of when they were toddlers. He was unsure whether Snape would like the idea of placing his baby in anything with a Black family crest on it but he would much rather dishonor his entire family by scorching it off rather then give Snape reason to be fight with him.
The front door opened with a click and Sirius could hear the familiar shuffle of grocery bags. Lupin had become very good at taking practiced quiet steps down the hallway as to not wake the portrait of Sirius's mother.
He put down the catalog sighing deeply, drawing his gaze away from the falling snow and trying to pull his mind back to the present. He turned the chair a little as Lupin entered the room, brushing snow off his shoulders and graying hair. His shabby robes made more dirty looking by his flushed cold face.
"I picked up something for myself if you don't mind." Lupin sighed, his eyes catching the front of the catalog with the beaming happy family. "How are you doing?"
"Fine." Sirius muttered, turning farther in his seat to see the numerous cloth bags filled with fresh food. "And yourself?"
"Holding together somehow." Lupin dug in his pockets to grab the trail of receipt he had from the market. He handed Sirius the ticket and a small wallet that contained the remainder of Sirius's money. Sirius stood up, stretching and cracking each of his knuckles in his palm before picking up a bag and following Lupin into the kitchen to put away his new food. Staring down at the receipt he saw an order of fresh steaks.
"Feeling wolfish Moony?" Sirius snorted, looking to the back of his friends head and trying to remember exactly when the next cycle began.
"Only a little." Lupin replied candidly, smiling in spite of himself as he put the bags on the cold countertops and pulling out the bag of steaks. "I thought we could have a nice dinner. Before I get to enjoy my other form for a few days."
Sirius smiled, his dark eyes twinkling for a bit as he looked through the bags expectantly. Lupin always had a pretty good handle on his diet and knew exactly what to make him happy. Fresh fruit and whole wheat bread where essentials but Lupin knew to always pick up some butter beer and chocolate frogs to curb his general annoyance with the situation. Knowing full well how much he hated staying in the house, distraction was the best medicine.
As for Lupin buying a few things with his own money, he didn't much mind. Lupin had gotten through life largely on his and James's good graces, not being able to support himself as often as he would like, due to being a werewolf. He owed Lupin more gold than he could ever give him, having saved him from doing quite a few stupid things in his school days. But Lupin was never the first to ask for money and typically let his clothes get fairly shabby before Sirius offered to get him new ones.
"Did you want to stay here when you transform this time?" Sirius asked, very casually for something Lupin considered a shameful inconvenience. Lupin was used to this however, and shook his head as took the steaks out of the packaging.
"Tonks had already offered to accommodate me at her mothers." He admitted, laying the steaks in a glass pan then turning to stoop over the jumbled array of spices kept on a small shelf with various books on cooking and preparation charms. "Her mother has the spare bedroom set up already and she offered to stay with me when she's not on duty."
"Good for her," Sirius sniffed, trying his best to keep any air of annoyance out of his voice. He really did like his cousin but the amount of time she sapped out of the relationship he had with Lupin made him cross, especially since he had nothing better to do then wait for Lupin to visit when he was off duty so they could chat and maybe go on walks. It wasn't as though he and Tonks really had something, did they?
Lupin salted the steaks conservatively and then poured a small amount of butter over them before tapping the pan with his wand making it became instantly hot and the steaks sizzled warmly. Sirius dug through the bags, fishing out a few potatoes he could bake for the meal.
"How are you and Tonks?" Sirius asked curiously, getting out his own pan to put the potatoes in. "Has she gotten you to do anything with her yet?"
Lupin flushed scarlet, looking up from his steaks to raise an eyebrow. Sirius couldn't help but snigger, always the gentleman, Lupin could never refer to 'it' as 'doing it'.
"And what's it to you?" Lupin asked, turning the steaks carefully with his wand. "I don't badger you about your sex life."
"Me and Buckbeak have been keeping it very simple." Sirius snorted, Lupin couldn't help but laugh. "But really," He continued, putting the rest of the potatoes back in the bag. "How are you guys getting on."
"That's between me and her." Lupin said politely. Very aware of Sirius dark eyes glued to the back of his head. "If Tonks wants to tell you she may but I'm not about to disclose-"
"So nothing then."
Lupin rolled his eyes, heaving a sigh as he grabbed for a knife to cut the steak and observe it's color.
"Just because I can leave the house doesn't mean I've got to while after women Padfoot." He murmured, reaching over Sirius's head for a plate to transfer the steaks. "Rare alright with you?"
"Go medium, I'm a dog not a wolf." Sirius grinned, now heating up his own potatoes with his wand. "Did you want anything other then meat and potatoes?"
"I'll take wine if you have any more." Lupin said. "The Elf made Cabernet would be delicious."
They ate in the parlor, Sirius made a fire to warm up the room and they sat watching the snow and discussing matters for the Order. Sirius missed eating a nice sit down meal with friends, it wasn't since the Weasley's left after seeing their children off for school that he had really had a full meal. He opted mostly for snacks when he was eating alone unless another Order member brought food to the house before or after working.
The fire crackled on into the evening and the dark and dingy windows gathered a fair amount of snow, dampening any thoughts Sirius had had about perhaps getting a walk outside before Lupin would leave for the night. It was too much to ask for his friend to take him out into a blizzard just so he could get a few moments of fresh air, and truthfully he felt much more content having a glass of wine and his feet propped up against the hearth then walking through the chilly cold to the lamppost and back.
It wasn't until the subject of christmas came up that the conversation had landed on Snape, Sirius had remembered Dumbledore's words of wisdom about waiting until the end of the school semester to start poking into Snape's life. But still Dumbledore had not sent any word or met with him once since sending the owl with the picture of the baby. Lupin's eyes flickered back to the discarded catalog of baby clothes and toys and then into the contents of his drink.
"You haven't bought anything yet have you?" Lupin asked warily, pointing to the catalog. "For the baby I mean."
"No, I'm not that thick," Sirius sighed. Not quite meeting Lupin's eye, but rather staring into the flickering flames. He had not yet told his friend about the nursery he had started to assemble.
"How long has it been now?" Lupin asked quietly, the words reverberated off the walls strangely. Sirius didn't have to think long.
"'Bought four months now." He said. "Probably will know the sex soon."
"If Dumbledore tells you." Lupin said, taking a drink of his wine.
"Why wouldn't he?" Sirius drew his gaze from the fire to Lupin's thin and ragged visage. "He's probably just really busy right now, plus the ministry are watching almost all the lines of communication."
"It just seems like a simple yes or no could indicate whether or not he told Snape." Lupin said, voicing Sirius's fears aloud. "I doubt he would have to go into much detail about it until you and Snape could meet and discuss terms."
"Well," Sirius's face darkened. It did seem like he was trying very hard to fool himself now. Lupin had been and always would be the voice of reason, cutting down any notions of fantasy he had imagined of a peaceful negotiation ending in being left with a fresh new son or daughter. He was so convinced upon seeing Snape's look of pale dread and annoyance at that first order meeting regarding the baby- that Snape indeed did not want to have anything to do with a child or a pregnancy. When he discovered it was he that would be the father and began to have feelings for the child, he was sure that Snape would have no problem relinquishing it.
But then there came the problem in Snape wanting the child and any feelings Snape might have about Sirius and his past would come to affect his decision. Everyday without word from Dumbledore meant a little less hope that Snape would come around to his feelings and accept a deal.
"Well he's already given me a picture and everything. He can't back out of it all now just because Snape might be, um, initially uninterested."
Lupin bit his lip. It wasn't in his nature to bring his friend back down to earth so fast he splattered on impact, but he felt that, in his own mind, Snape would ignore Sirius if he was the last person on earth. It was true that pregnancy did strange things to the mind and there was a chance that Snape might see the better side of the situation- perhaps looking to Sirius for financial aid. But if Snape had really grown attached to the child, there was little doubt if he would let it anywhere near Sirius.
It was definitely a Slytherin-Gryffindor type relationship, he thought. Watching the cogs in Sirius's head turn behind his possibly scared expression. They weren't going to share something as important and precious as a child. Snape wouldn't want his son or daughter to become an overconfident bully and Sirius wouldn't want to see his offspring as anything like a shy and reserved loner.
"Suppose I'm selling him short," Lupin began, setting his drink down and folding his hands in his lap cautiously. "Suppose Snape does want to work something out with you so you could see the child. What then? What would you bring to the table?"
"Anything." Sirius said without much thought, looking very seriously into Lupin's eyes. "I'd pay him off for life if I needed to, I'd let him live in Grimmauld Place and do all the grunt work for the child."
"And a full apology?" Lupin added, smiling at the intensity in his friends eyes when it came to fiscal matters and moral obligations.
"That too." Sirius blurted out hopelessly. "I'd lick the bottom of his shoes if it meant we could at least go fifty-fifty for custody."
"That's what you want then? Fifty-fifty?" Lupin asked.
"Does that seem too much?" Sirius deflated. Lupin shrugged quickly, honestly not sure what Snape would find to be too much. Sirius sighed, downing the last of his glass woefully.
"I think it would be better to see if you could work around Snape's schedule." Lupin thought aloud, "Maybe propose relocating to Hogsmede and watching the child while he's teaching. Then letting him have his time in the summer with the child if he wanted."
"Maybe." Sirius brightened a little. "How do you reckon I could manage that being an escapee from Azkaban?"
"Dunno." Lupin shrugged again. "Dumbledore does have his ways though."
Sirius seemed to re inflate a little at this idea. Of course, it made perfect sense to try to work around whatever Snape was doing. He didn't want to seem too pushy asking Snape to relinquish the child or his own property to move in. He really didn't like the idea of living with someone as unpleasant as Snape, it would be like having a second Kreacher in the house. He assured himself though, that he would do anything for the baby however, and if that meant doing anything for Snape he had to oblige.
"What would you do?" Sirius asked, drawing his thoughts away from fantastic imaginings. "If you were me, and you were in my situation, what do you think you would do?"
Lupin raised his eyebrows a little looking to the fire and folding his arms to his chest pensively.
"We're two different people Padfoot," Lupin said honestly, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't think we'd have the same interests when it comes to this situation."
"What do you mean?" Sirius asked.
"Well, I mean I'd think of this to be a lot more like business and a lot less of a personal matter." Lupin admitted. "Dumbledore's act in this confuses the matter a great deal, but unless Snape would come to me, I think I would just leave him alone."
"Leave him alone?" Sirius said disappointed. "Just let him take the baby?"
"If he came to me asking for me to help with money or aid I would gladly assist." Lupin shrugged. "But I think that given the situation, I would just let him do what he thinks is best."
"But that's your baby Moony!" Sirius said, almost laughing at how apathetic Lupin seemed to feel about a hypothetical child. "I mean really, if Snape is going to take your child and give it to the dark lord or teach it dark arts, wouldn't you be quick to intervene?"
"It's not as though Snape wanted this," Lupin stated plainly, taking a sip from his glass. "And it's not as though you did either. This was all planned by other people and the both of you did your part, you have finished yours and Snape still has to finish his." He smiled a little boldly at Sirius's dumbstruck face. "This wasn't something either of you really consented to, Snape probably wouldn't have if he knew it would have been you from the beginning anyway. This is all business."
"So you think I should just leave it alone?" Sirius asked angrily. "You think I ought to just keep my nose out of it while Snape goes running off with my child?"
"I never said that." Lupin said calmly. "I think you're fully entitled to do what you think is right."
"And what is that?" Sirius snorted. Lupin had no understanding of what he was going through. Not if he could just sit back and act like they were discussing something like it was simply a matter of business, like they were talking about standing guard over the prophecy.
"Be involved or not involved in whatever way feels best for you." Lupin said. "I don't think your help may be unwanted but I think that Snape is just as entitled to say no, or to override you. However painful it might be."
Sirius chewed his tongue for a moment, turning the empty glass in his hand.
"It's not as though I want Snape to shut you out or tell you you can't see the child." Lupin added quietly. "It's just a matter of seeing it from multiple perspectives."
A log crackled and broke in half in the fireplace, small sparks floating in the air. Sirius still said nothing to break the silence, the warm feeling of fresh steak in his stomach replaced with a sort of bubbling dread. He was angry, angry he couldn't leave the house and be useful in some way, left to piddle around and try his hand at forming a nursery, hoping a baby would one day fill it.
"Did you want to go on a walk maybe?" Lupin asked, a hint of warmth in his voice that clearly meant he was sorry for bringing down the mood. Sirius couldn't help but give a small smile, he turned at once into the great black dog, his ears bent back as he panted, looking expectantly to Lupin.
"Just let me grab my shoes." Lupin said, laughing at how eager Sirius seemed as he shuffled to the door, grabbing the makeshift leesh in his mouth from the back of one of the parlor chairs as he left.
The snow was cool and refreshing on his feet and however crisp the air was, it didn't bother Sirius as he was used to the moldy stale smell of the house. As there was no one in the street, Lupin let go of the leesh to let Sirius bound into a snowbank happily. As his thoughts were more simple and less anxious as a dog, he could not let the conversation bother him and he felt no ill will towards Lupin as he rolled in the bank, the leesh tangling around his body. All thoughts about Snape and obligations and responsibilities rolled off his back easily as he kicked and flailed in the snow. Lupin merely laughed, drawing his coat a little tighter to him as he watched, waiting for Sirius to be satisfied.
As they walked up the higher streets towards the local shops, there were more people wandering the streets, mostly children and couples looking into store windows, clearly excited about the first snow. On the other side of the apartment complexes, there was a local park that children went sledding at and so many families were out, rosy cheeked and wet from being outside. Lupin grabbed hold of Sirius's leesh again, more for show then for anything as Sirius knew better then to bound out into the street or run farther then were Sirius could see, but Lupin knew that muggles would question a dog so trained that it would walk in step with it's owner so easily, disregarding all the smells and noises.
These were the things Lupin really missed when he thought about the days he could spend with James and Sirius, not worried much about Death Eaters or Lord Voldemort, the times they would either hang around Sirius's neighborhood or James's parents house, laughing loudly and talking merrily about their latest full moon haunt or James's attempts to win over Lily. Hogwarts meant more to him then he could ever convey, as it had been the place he had found friends and companionship and been able to recognize his identity outside of being tainted.
Lupin wondered what would come of the child if Snape did allow Sirius some sort of involvement, it almost seemed out of the question but it was still an option. If Sirius did have some time with the baby, it would probably become the object of affection for most members of the Order of the Pheonix, assuming it stayed at Grimmauld Place. He wondered, fleetingly, if he might be able to watch over the child almost like an uncle, as he had tried to do with Harry when he was born.
The notion left his head fast as Sirius had paused in his pace to urinate on a telephone pole. Lupin rolled his eyes, knowing full well that Sirius did this just to annoy him.
They would just have to wait, he supposed. Until Dumbledore or Snape talked first.
I'm sorry this took so long! The charger to my computer is wrecked and works like something similar to a radio transmitter. It's really finicky whenever it's kinked a certain way and I've been really busy with work too so I haven't had much time anyway. So, short chapter, just catching up with Sirius.
I need reviews like mad. Ideally I want to put out the christmas chapter around christmas but like everyone else I'm going to be busy and doing plenty of other things so if you want a new chapter to read for the holidays, review! Tell me what you like/what you want to see and maybe I can make it happen.
Sorry if you didn't like this update. I didn't much enjoy writing it.