Okay, I'm sorry this has taken so long. I wanted to take my time with this, to get it write and pay justice to what Kate means to Audrey, Healy and Castle respectfully. So I hope the wait was worth it.
Okay, so this chapter is basically it. It's gonna hurt, and it's emotional so if you want happy happy endings then don't read this and just wait for the epilogue cos it's all happy and stuff (but please read this chapter because I am quite proud of it okay).
Disclaimer: I am so conflicted over Watershed I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
"Dad."
It takes him a moment to look up from his book, and Audrey thinks it's because he knows what she's come to talk him about. "Yeah, Audrey?"
"Tomorrow… I'm going to the hospital. I just… wondered if you wanted to come with me."
"No, I'm… alright. Just tell her I said hello."
"Dad, I'm – I'm going to tell them to turn her off. If you want to say goodbye, you should do it in person. I can't just tell her you said goodbye. She deserves more than that. Healy's coming with me. You really should. I know this is heartbreaking for you, I know this is hard, but she's been lying in that hospital bed for ten years. Ten years, Dad. If she was going to wake up she would have done by now. She's a fighter, and she'd have fought for all she could to come back, but it's over. She's not coming back."
"Audrey-"
"I'm going at ten. If you're ready, you're more than welcome to come with us. Or I'll give it a couple of hours, give you time to get there. Just please come, Dad."
"Will it hurt?"
Audrey brushes her brothers fringe away from his forehead, he really needs it cutting, Mom would have tutted and sighed and dragged him down to the hairdressers months ago. "No, it won't hurt. She won't feel a thing."
"Are you sure?"
"She's asleep, Healy. She stopped feeling anything years ago."
"And there's no chance that she'll wake up?"
"We've given her enough chances to wake up. If she was going to wake up, she would have done. She loved us Healy, she loved us so much, and if she could she would be with us today. Mom was a fighter. She fought for us, and she fought for Dad, and her life, but sometimes it's just… sometimes the fight isn't good enough. But she tried her hardest. I know she tried her hardest. And she would have loved you. You're inquisitive, and you're loving and you're absolutely adorable. Every girl in your school is going to completely love you." Healy blushes, because he knows that she knows about Kelly. The blonde haired, blue eyed girl in the grade above him who Healy has worshipped since he was seven. "And she'd love your hugs. You squeeze really tight, and it feels like all the stress and troubles of the day just melt away. She'd have loved that after a hard day at work."
"Like when you miss Becky."
"Like when I miss Becky. It's nice knowing you're there. And Dad loves your hugs. He hugs you every chance he gets, doesn't he?"
"Dad's good at hugs. He wraps you up and surrounds you and makes you feel safe."
"Mm, I'm so lucky to have a family that gives excellent hugs."
"What will you do when you leave for college? Who are you gonna hug then?"
"I'm sure I'll find someone. And if not, it just means I have to come home."
Healy wraps his arms around her in a sudden hug, head in the crook of her neck. "I'm going to miss you. Who am I going to talk to now?"
"Hey, you've got Dad!"
"Yeah, but-"
"Healy, Dad may have had his issues in the past, but he loves us. He loves us so much, and if you need him, then you can rest assured that he'll be right there. If you need a hug in the middle of the night, then he will lay awake with you until you fall asleep. He will make up silly stories just to take your mind off things, he will play laser tag with you, and he'll play games and he'll help you with your homework. Just because … he loves mom. He loves her so much, and when you're older, when you meet that one person who you want to give your whole world to, you'll understand. Dad gave Mom his whole world, and she gave him his, and they thought they'd have it all. They thought they'd be there for first steps and first words, for your first school performance, for graduation. To attend your wedding, to hold their grandchildren. And Dad always thought that he'd have Mom next to him, to hold his hand and be the one who doesn't bawl their eyes out when he walks his daughter down the aisle. He's just scared. He's an amazing father, he really, honestly is. Being a single father is terrifying."
"Do you tell him that?"
"I… not exactly."
"Maybe you should. Maybe he doesn't believe that he's good enough."
Audrey regards Healy with pursed lips, but he can see the amused twinkle in her eyes. "Alright, enough out of you. Bedtime. Go on."
"Can I stay with you?"
"I've got work to do, if you don't mind the light."
Healy's shaking his head and already kicking his legs under her covers. He rolls over into the corner when she climbs over him, pulls a pillow up and drags the covers over his head. Audrey switches her bedside light on and switches off the main light. She wants to get this assignment out of the way before tomorrow.
Tomorrow dawns cloudy, but there are brief hints of sunshine when the cloud thins every so often. Breakfast is a quiet affair, all three of them are in their own world. Their father still hasn't told them whether he's joining them but Audrey is giving him time. They've still got another hour before she's planning on leaving. Anything could happen in the space of 60 minutes, but she's trying not to get her hopes up.
"Do you want me to phone for a town car?"
"No, I've got money for a cab. But thanks. Maybe on the way back?"
"You've got the number, right? Just tell them to put it on my card."
Audrey sighs, pushes her bowl away. "You're not coming."
"I don't know. I… I always told your mom that I wouldn't give up on her. And it just… it feels like I am. And whether or not that she's actually gone, that's my wife. She's still my wife, and-"
"Dad, I know. I do. But do you really think Mom would want you to do this? She'd hate to see you like this. You need to move on, you need to let her go."
Healy is tugging on her sleeve, and Audrey turns to look at him, giving her father enough time to slip away. "Don't be so hard on him."
"Healy, I'm not-"
But he's already slipping down from the breakfast bar, and she's left there, staring into her own glass of orange juice. She's not being too hard on her father, is she? He needs a push. He needs to be pushed, and if no one else will do it, then she's going to be the one who will. She wishes she didn't have to. She wishes that he could be strong without her, that Healy and herself had a parent to lean on when they needed to. But, after today, it'll be fine. It won't be fine, but it'll be … fine.
The hospital is just as normal as she remembers it. It's only been a couple of days since she was last here, nothing really should have changed, but Audrey expected it to be foreboding somehow. Darker. More threatening. Except it's not. Brick walls, glass windows, the line of grass leading up to the entrance. Just… completely normal. People going about their days like any other, like Audrey and her ten year old brother aren't going to walk into that hospital and essentially kill their mother. Maybe that's what's weird. It should be a horrible and dark and terrible day, except it's not. It's just… plain. Normal. She's handing over the money for the cab in a daze, and Healy is having to push against her side to make her move. Audrey shakes her head and moves, taking Healy's' hand as he steps out onto the side walk.
"I'm scared." He says, shrinking into her side.
"Me too," Audrey admits, not wanting to step inside the building, "but, we can do this. We have to be strong for Mom, right?"
"She'd want us to be strong."
"Yeah, she would. And we're going to walk into that hospital, and we're going to tell her that we love her. We love her, and we're going to miss her. We tell her that."
"Can we tell her Daddy loves her too?"
"We'll tell her Daddy loves her too. We all love her, so much. We'll always love her." Healy opens his mouth to say something but closes it again, with a sniff. Audrey bends down in front of him, takes his hands in hers. "It'll be okay, Healy. It will, I promise. This is scary, and it's going to hurt, but we've got each other. We've got Dad, and Alexis, and Gram. We're not alone in this, I promise."
Healy nods and bites his lip, chews on it, just like his mother used to do. "Okay."
"Audrey, Healy, it's nice to see you." Healy grins at Erin, lets go of Audrey's hand to go and give the nurse a hug. Audrey lets herself smile, before Erin turns her gaze on the eighteen year old. "You here to visit?"
"Yes… and no. I want to talk to Doctor Delemare about removal of care."
"Audrey, you can't-"
"I'm eighteen now. I have my birth certificate to prove it. I am an adult in my own right, and I want to remove care. My dad… he won't. He won't do it, and I can understand it, I can. But it's been ten years. It's been ten years and she hasn't woke up and she's not going to wake up. I know that, I've known it for years. But I couldn't do anything about it. But now I can, and I want to go to college in September. I want to go to college and not have to worry about this. I want my dad to move on with his life, to not be stuck in the past. If I go, if I go and Mom is still alive, Dad's not going to take Healy to visit. He won't, and I don't want him to not be able to visit."
"I can come here on my own." Healy insists.
Audrey ignores him, but carries on talking. "My mom has been dead for ten years. And I only knew her for eight years, but I know that she wouldn't want this. She'd want to be laid to rest, properly. Not wasting away in a hospital bed. That's not my mom in that bed. She looks like her, but it's not…"
"You've thought a lot about this."
Audrey turns around, finds Doctor Delemare standing behind them. "I've had a lot of time. And this is the right thing to do."
Delemare regards her thoughtfully for a moment, and then nods. "Okay. Well, there's some paperwork that you need to sign."
"Do we – have to do it now? I told my Dad that I would give him a while. If he wanted to come and say goodbye. And we want…"
Delemare lays a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Take as much time as you need. Just let me know when you're ready."
"I'll sign the paperwork now, just to get it out of the way."
"I'll get it sorted, and I'll bring it to you. No need to stay hovering out here."
Audrey likes Delemare. She knows he's resigned himself to the fact that nothing short of a miracle will make Kate Beckett wake up, but he still tries. If something new comes along, rest assured he'd try it. And he doesn't judge them for keeping her alive so long, ignores the whispers from the nurses, tells them to be quiet if he catches them at it. And Audrey has always been grateful for that.
Audrey signs the paperwork with the feeling that her stomach is trying to claw its way up her throat. She's just signed her mother's life away, a scribble on a piece of paper. And if this wasn't so important, she'd panic. She'd rip the paper up and tell them to stuff it. But she can't because they need this. They need the closure. Erin takes the paperwork away with a sad smile and a squeeze of Audrey's shoulder, closing the door behind her. Healy is standing at the foot of the hospital bed, hands tight around the railing. "Do you think Dad will come?"
"I hope so, Healy. But, I really don't know."
"I hope he does. He should say goodbye."
"I think he's already said his own goodbye. But he should, but we can't be mad at him if he doesn't, okay?"
"You keep getting mad at him." Healy replies, looking at her rather petulantly. "You never let him forget that he's let this carry on for so long."
"I'm not mad at him. I'm really not. I just wish that he would see what he's doing to himself. To us. But if he doesn't come and say goodbye, then that's okay."
"Can I say goodbye?"
"Of course you can. Take as long as you need. If you want me to, I'll stay outside. Give you some privacy."
Healy shakes his head violently and steps backwards, fumbling with his hand to reach for hers. "No, I want you to stay."
"Okay, okay, I'll stay."
"I don't know what to say."
"Well, go and sit on the bed, and hold her hand. Have a think. There's no rush, Healy. And you don't need to give her a giant speech. Just… something nice."
She nudges Healy towards the bed and he goes slowly, reaching for his mother's hand with his own. Audrey watches him carefully before taking a careful seat on the armchair. Healy hesitates for a moment before scrambling on the bed. Technically, they're not allowed to be sat on the bed, but they've been doing it for the past five years and no one has ever said anything. Maybe they've stopped caring.
"Hey, Mom. Mommy. You've never met me, and I don't know if I can count this as meeting you, but I feel like I know you. From everything Daddy's told me, and Audrey and Alexis and Gram, I feel like I know you. And Audrey said you'd like me. And I hope you would. We had a day at school where we had to talk about a parent, and I chose you. Everyone expected me to talk about Daddy, but they already know about him and I wanted them to know that you're not just a person lying in a bed. And they liked you, Mom. They wanted to know if you told us all about the murders and the dead bodies and all the gruesome parts, and whether you let us hold your gun. And I told them how you'd show Audrey around the precinct and Daddy persuaded you to lock her up in holding, and she sits in your chair and spins herself around until she feels dizzy."
Audrey laughs at that, her head suddenly filled with memories. Her mother's spinning chair, her father pushing her around and around, her loud shrieks filling the bullpen. At least until Kate had come back and nudged her out of her chair and toward Castle's lap. Though she'd rarely actually gone there. There was always a spare chair somewhere in the precinct, and even if there wasn't, Uncle Javi would happily give up his chair for her.
"And I wish I could have shared some of those memories with you, I wish you could have spun me around in the chair and locked me up and told me off for sneaking looks at all the gruesome photos. But that's okay, because Audrey has lots of stories. And Daddy has lots of them too, and Uncle Javi and Uncle Kevin, and Auntie Lanie has lots, but she won't tell me them. She says when I'm older. But I am older, Mommy. What did you do?" Audrey stifles her own laugh, knows plenty of those stories herself. Ridiculous stories of college and too much tequila, of too many late nights and too many bottles of wine, of dance floors and weddings and birthday parties. So many stories.
Healy's moving again, getting up on his knees so he can fold his body over hers. She ducks her head for a moment because he knows what he's doing, has done it more times than she could count when she was his size and could fit on the bed without making everything awkward. Just listening to her heartbeat for the last time. And then he's whispering something in her ear, something Audrey doesn't catch but she can almost guess what he's saying. And then he's scrambling backwards, still careful to not dislodge any wires even though it probably doesn't matter anymore. She opens her arms as he stumbles towards her, hauls him up onto her lap and wraps her arms tight around him. He's shaking, and he's making these small whimpers that are muffled by her shoulder.
"It's okay," she whispers, rocking him to and fro as he clutches at her shirt, "it'll be okay."
"I want to go home."
"It's okay, we'll go. We'll go home and you can stay with Daddy and I'll just come back. It's fine."
"You'll be on your own."
"No, I won't. Erin's here. And we like Erin, don't we. I'm sure she wouldn't mind staying here for a while."
"But I don't want to leave you." He lifts his head up, and Audrey uses her sleeve to wipe away his tears.
"Well, why don't you stay with Erin outside while I say my goodbyes, and then I'll stay with the doctor. How about that? I'll come and find you as soon as we've finished. You can give me the biggest hug you have ever given anyone, and afterwards we'll go for ice cream. We'll phone Dad, and he can meet us there. It'll be nice."
Healy contemplates this for a few seconds, and then nods. "But you'll come find me if you need me. Won't you?"
"I promise."
She watches Healy go with a heavy heart, waits until he's caught up with whatever Erin is doing before closing the door again. She leans against it heavily, eyes closed and breathing in through her nose, and out through her mouth. Calm. She needs to be calm. Healy needs her to be calm. She could allow herself to cry, for maybe a minute. And then, calm and collected. She crosses over to the bed and sits on the opposite side to Healy. It's the hand without the IV and the drips and all the wires, and she doesn't feel worried about picking it up and resting it in her lap, cradled in both of her own hands. It's heavy, weighted with age and illness and somehow death, but it feels light. Light because it hasn't been used. Ten years and the muscles and the bones have whittled away and are as frail as dead leaves on the wind. And she hates it. She hates that she's had to let her mother fall into this state of disrepair. And she hates her dad for it. Oh, she loves him, don't her wrong, she loves him with all of her heart and more, but she just… no, there's no point. What's done is done. He can't change anything now, and there's no point being angry at him. He's angry at himself enough for both of them.
"Hi, mom." She almost laughs at how ridiculous this is. "Healy was right. I have no idea what to say." She strokes her hands over the knuckles on Kate's hands, feels the cold metal of her wedding ring against her skin. She's silent for a few moments, trying to think, trying to wonder how her father would say this. Put his magic ability with words to use. "I don't blame you, y'know. I'm not angry. You'd have woken up, if you could. I have to keep believing that, you didn't just… give up. You're not just… someone who gives up. Of all the things Dad has told me I've always known that you were a fighter. You fought for everything you stood by, everything that you believed in and everyone you loved. And you loved us. You loved us all, so much. You still do. You still do because you're still here. In a way. You're still here. You're everywhere. In Dad's books, in pictures, there's so much of you in Healy. Oh, Mom, you'd love Healy. I mean, you would anyway, but he's so… he's passionate, and he'll defend anything that he believes in. And he loves, he doesn't show it in the best ways sometimes, but you can never deny where his heart is. I can't believe he's ten. He's grown up so fast. We've all grown up so fast. You'd be proud of us Mom. Dad wrote a new book. I didn't think he would, I thought it would hurt him too much, but he did. Some of his best work."
She wipes away a sudden tear, takes a moment to steady herself. "He'd be here. If he could… he'd… he thinks he's giving up on you. If he lets you go, he thinks that's he given up on all hope that you're ever coming back. And you know Dad. He's optimistic, and he thinks the world is fine just as long as he pretends it's fine. And it's not fine. Nothing about this is fine because he's left you lying in a hospital bed, wasting away into this shell of the person you used to be because he's too damn scared to accept reality. And I hate him for it. I love him, Mom. He's my father and I love him so much, but I hate him for doing this to you. You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't have had to succumb to ten years in a hospital bed. It's not you. This isn't… it's not who you were supposed to be."
There's a knock on the door, a quiet timid thing that sounds like it could be Healy, so she lays her mother's hand back on the bed, leans over and presses her mouth to Kate's forehead. She squeezes her eyes shut, tries to stop the tears that are imminent at the back of her eyes. "I love you, mom. I love you so much and I wish… I wish so much. I wish you could have known Healy. That's all I wish, really. If there was anything… I wish you could have met Healy." Another knock. She shifts off the bed and walks to the door, pulls it open.
"Audrey, I… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you, I just…"
Audrey stares at her dad, dumbfounded. "Dad, I- you came. I didn't… think…"
"I thought about what you said. And you're right. You've been right for years only I've been too… stubborn to see it. And Kate… she wouldn't want me to do this. She wouldn't, and she'd hate to see me like this, she'd hate me for leaving her like this for so long."
Audrey doesn't answer, just flings herself at him. He catches her, warm and solid and safe and he smells like home. She gasps into his shirt, really can't help the tears that flow so freely now, and how did she ever think she had a hope of holding them back? How did she think that she'd be completely okay with turning her mother's life support off? "It's okay." He mumbles in her ear. "It's okay, I've got you. It's… everything's okay. We'll be okay."
"Dad, I-"
"It's okay, Audrey. It's okay. You did what you had to. I'm not mad. I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you. You did something that I couldn't bear to do. I couldn't imagine a life without your mother, so much so that I was completely blind to what she'd want me to do. But you weren't. You knew. You knew, and you asked and you asked, even thought I kept saying no. I wish you didn't have to. I wish you didn't have to grow up when you did, and I wish that Kate was still here to see everything. You've grown up into an amazing, beautiful young woman and I am so proud of you. I am so, so proud of you."
"I thought I could do it. I thought I could, and I signed the papers. I signed them, but – I can't. I can't let them."
"Yes, yes you can. You can do this, okay. We can do this. As a family. We've got each other, okay. That's all we need. We can let her go." There's another pair of arms around her waist and Audrey looks down to find Healy trying to hug them both. "You don't have to be the strong one anymore, Audrey. I'm here now. It's okay."
"Audrey says she won't feel anything. That's true, right? She won't hurt."
Doctor Delemare shakes his head, kneels down to look at Healy. "She won't feel a thing. She's already asleep. You can hold her hand, if you want. Just to make sure. Dad's got one hand, why don't you hold the other?"
"But, Audrey. Audrey needs a hand to hold."
"I'll hold yours, Healy. And I'll hold Dad's with the other. We'll all hold hands." Audrey drags her chair closer to the bed, stretches her arm across the bed to her father who wraps his hand around hers. She's thankful for it, because she can't stop shaking and the large confines of his palm and his thick fingers are enough to still them.
Healy's hand is clammy and warm and if it was anything else she'd throw him off and wipe the sweat off her palm. But she can't because he needs her.
"Okay, I'm going to turn off the machine that's breathing for her. She'll stop breathing, and shortly after that, her heart will stop. The monitors will start beeping, but I can turn the sound off. But then… then she'll be gone."
"Okay. Okay, we're… we're ready. Turn it off."
Audrey holds her breath, doesn't realise just how tight she's squeezing Healy's hand until he whines in pain. "Sorry, I'm… sorry. Didn't mean to hurt you."
They watch, all four of them, the room deathly quiet, as Kate's chest rises… falls… rises… falls… and then stops. Audrey breathes out, tries to steady her breathing in time to the squeezing of her father's hand around hers. Doctor Delemare's eyes are on the monitors, but Audrey can't tear her eyes away from her mother. It's a few precious moments, a few moments where her mother is alive and she's not being supported by machines. It's just her heart… her heart beating away in a broken body. And then… it's not. Delemere quietly announces it.
Time of death.
Fourteen oh three.
Phew.
Wow.
Okay.
That was an emotional chapter. This could have gone so many ways, and I think the main reason I found it so hard to write is that I really had no idea which way it was going to go. I just went with the flow. With how it felt, how the characters would react.
And I think I got it right.
I hope I did them justice.
So now, in a couple of days, you'll get the epilogue, which an alternate ending where it's all happy happy. So I hope you look forward to that. Thank you to all of you, for the reviews and the love/hate/death threats.
I love you all.
KT
xo