I made my way back to school, playing the conversation I had with Bella over in my mind. I did this over and over, finding things I hadn't thought about before, more questions I wished I could have asked her. Living as long as I had, people tended to be two-dimensional, their thought processes tedious and boring. The ability to read minds didn't help matters. It was a useful tool, to be sure. I knew exactly what needed to be said at all times. But in exchange it took away the mystery, the anticipation in having a conversation in which new views might be explored.

It was like going to a bookstore but knowing the plots to all the books.

It was a good analogy for my life. I knew the conversations, I knew the classes. College, sometimes, held some challenge for me.

Then I found Bella. It was like being in said bookstore, just going through the motions, then suddenly coming across a book I hadn't read before, a delight I didn't think existed.

I couldn't even fathom what Bella's answers to my questions would be. My mind turned to the fact that she fainted at the sight of blood-it was ironic-a vampire falling in love with a human girl that got sick at the sight of blood. I wondered how she would react to my confession that I had to drink blood to decide.

I doubt she would react well. If she were the least bit sane, she would run away as fast as possible from me.

I opened my mind to my family, wondering what their reaction would be. Alice must have told them that I left, none wondered where I was.

"I don't get it. She's alright looking, for a human, but this is an awful lot of trouble just to talk to her," Emmett said.

Rosalie gave him a death stare.

"She's not as pretty as you, Rosie," he cajoled. He leaned over, whispering something in her ear that would have caused me to blush if I could. She smiled.

"At least you don't have to drive her truck," Alice grumbled. "I don't think it can even go up to sixty!"

"I thought you liked her," Jasper said.

"I do," Alice said. "But I wish Edward would buy her a new car. Or at least be the one to take her truck back."

"When is he coming? I hate getting wet."

"He's pulling in right now," Alice said.

I pulled up, my family piling into the car.

"Hey Edward!" Alice said.

"Hey brother. Get any farther with the human?" Emmett asked.

"She faints at the sight of blood," I said.

"What?" Jasper said.

Emmett burst out laughing, soon Jasper was too. Even Rosalie smiled slightly at the irony of it.

"Perfect! I love it," Emmett boomed.

"Really, Edward, you really know how to pick them. First a human and now a human who faints at the sight of blood? Priceless, truly priceless."

"I was going to tell you, but I didn't think you'd believe me," Alice said in between giggles. "Besides, it was so much fun seeing your reaction to Bella's condition that I couldn't let myself tell you." She burst into another fit of giggles, apparently reliving the incident in her head.

"Alright, enough is enough," I said. "I knew you would appreciate the irony, but this is a bit much."

"Oh, come on, Edward, stop being such a grouch. We're just having a bit of fun," Alice said.

They finished laughing at Bella's expence. I heard their thoughts turn to other things- Rosalie reminding herself of Emmett's promise and Jasper's plans to play his new favorite videogame.

We made it home-Emmett and Rosalie heading up to their room-only one thing on their minds.

"Hey!" Jasper called. "Who am I supposed to play Call of Duty with?"

"Play with Edward!" Emmett replied. Jasper turned hopefully to me.

I shrugged. "Sure."

My heart wasn't really in it. Jasper loved the military video games and Emmett usually played with him, enjoying the gore of them. I was too fixated on Bella. I thought about my errant thought about her as my mate.

It was not something I ever thought of having, something others in my family had but nothing that I ever needed.

I thought about my brothers and Carlisle's mates. There were perfect for them, compliments, really. Carlisle's compassion was enhanced by Esme's love. Emmett's physicality matched by Rosalie's beauty. Jasper and Alice were special-two souls searching for each other. What they had was deep, an understated, profound love that wasn't obvious like Emmett's and Rosalie's. I didn't think I could even begin to describe it.

But Bella as my mate? She was human. She would age, whereas I would stay seventeen forever. I could pass for early twenties, anything beyond that and people would question. I would never be able to explain myself to her-telling her that I was a vampire would put us in danger and break the one rule that vampires had-keep your presence a secret.

She deserved to live a life untainted by my damned existence. I put her in danger every day that I was near her.

"Edward! What are you going?" Jasper snapped me out of my reverie. "Come on! We're being slaughtered."

"Oh, sorry."

Jasper sighed, ending the game. "This is about Bella, isn't it?"

I sighed, cursing my obviousness. 'I wonder if he realizes how transparent it is that he's in love with her.' Jasper mused.

"I'm not in love with her."

Jasper smiled. "Yes, you are. Alice told me how you were brooding in the car about her. And how you more or less grabbed her out of the arms of Mike Newton."

"I damn her just by being near her."

"Why do you insist that ours is a damned existence?"

"Jasper, we are not born, we're created. We feast on human blood. It is our choice not to."

"Humans were created, if one follows certain beliefs."

"It's not the same! We go against nature."

"We do not go against it, we merely trade it for another."

"One that is the exact opposite of human nature. We crave the blood, spending eternity thristing for more."

"How is that any different than craving any object? Be it money, fame or love?"

I couldn't come up with an answer.

Jasper only smiled. "It's a circular argument, little brother." He closed his eyes and I found a feeling of calmness wash over me.

"I don't have the…control as you do, Edward. I'm still not sure why you chose a human. But-" he paused, collecting his thoughts. "If you're right, if we are damned," he shook his head at the thought, "then having someone who loves you-for all eternity-redeems you."

He placed his hand on my shoulder, then left me with my thoughts.

I felt restless. Emmett and I would be leaving soon, so I couldn't leave the house. Otherwise I would run-I would go to the meadow and think.

I looked over at my piano-aye, there's the rub, I quoted to myself.

I started to play, letting my mind close itself, not letting myself think for a change. I didn't realize what I was playing, it didn't matter, all that mattered was the fact my mind was slowly becoming clearer.

I drew the last note out, wanting the depth that could only come from the vibration of the chord in stunned silence air.

I felt Esme's presence. She had come behind me, listening to the music.

"Edward. That was beautiful. Haven't you played it before?"

I frowned. "No, I don't think so."

She smiled. "Yes, you have."

She sat next to me on the bench. "You were thinking about Bella when you were playing, weren't you?"

I realized that I had been-the she had completely permeated my thought processes. Even when I wasn't thinking, I was thinking about her.

"It's ok, you know. Alice tells me you love her."

"I'm not-"

"Oh, stop it Edward. It didn't work with Jasper, why do you think it's going to work with me?"

"I can't be with her, Esme."

Esme frowned. "It's complicated, I know. But if two people are truly meant to be together, they should be."

She kissed my forehead. "It will work out, Edward."

Emmett came down the stairs, grinning widely. "Are you ready, little brother?" he asked excitedly.

"Yes," I said simply, getting up from the piano bench.

We ran, where we were going, people didn't go camping. It felt nice to run, to let myself go in a physical sense, to feel the wind in my face and in my hair.

Though Emmett was excited about hunting, he was thinking about Rosalie and their time together.

"Would you stop thinking about that?" I asked him irritably.

"Jeez, Edward. It's not like I can help it. Get out of my head if you don't like it."

"It's a bit hard when your thoughts are screaming themselves in my head!"

Emmett just shrugged and grinned. "We're almost there. Maybe hunting will get you in a better mood."

"So why do you watch the human sleep?" Emmett asked curiously after a while.

"Bella," I said automatically. It bothered me more than it should that Emmett called her 'the human'. She was a person, she wasn't a food source, no matter how much I craved her.

She had a life, an existence.

"What?" Emmett said, confused.

"Her name is Bella. Don't call her 'the human'."

"That's what Rose always calls her," Emmett said simply, as if that explained everything.

"Rosalie shouldn't. Rosalie knows better," I growled.

"Edward, c'mon, don't be like that. You know she doesn't mean any harm. She's just scared. You're way too harsh on her."

"Rosalie needs to remember that she chose a human too."

"But I was going to die. That bear-and if Rosalie hadn't come…" Emmett trailed off. The thought genuinely appalled him-not knowing Rosalie.

"She'll come around," he assured me. "Now, don't go beating around my question. Why do you watch her sleep?"

Emmett tended to answer his own questions, be the answers right or not. His thoughts immediately turned lascivious.

"She doesn't sleep naked, does she?"

"What? No!"

"Then what's so darn fascinating about watching a human sleep?"

I didn't want to tell him the truth-that she said my name and every time she did so warmth washed over me. That I hung on her every word, relishing the sound of her breath and her heart. That she would be restless and stir her hair, causing her magical scent to envelope me.

"You don't, you know-enjoy it more than you should, as you would put it?" Emmett said, interrupting my thoughts.

"Emmett, for God's sake, get your mind out of the damn gutter!"

"Stop being so touchy! Jeez, didn't mean nothing by it-just saying-here I was, trying to be nice by putting it nicely and you go and snap at me."

His thoughts were hitting too close to home-in not the sense he meant, of course, but rather…

Watching Bella while she slept was easily the most sensuous of experiences I had had in my life.

Using the term life loosely, of course.

Our conversation came at an abrupt end-Emmett had caught the scent of his prey-a bear that would give him a challenge.

I preferred to hunt alone. I didn't mind going with my family, but once we started to hunt I preferred to make it a solitary activity, allowing me to solely concentrate on my prey.

I turned my mind off, concentrating on the scent of the grizzly, the warmth it offered, the nourishment I needed.

I came upon it, circling it, confusing it with my speed, slowly crouching in preparation for the attack.

It swatted, barely missing me. I lunged, biting it in the jugular, making sure to kill it quickly. While Emmett preferred to play with his food, I preferred a mercy kill, drinking the blood quickly so as not to lose its warmth.

I felt it fill me, the taste of it good quality, if not as amazing as I imagined Bella's blood to be.

I suddenly became aware of what a sheer monster I truly was. Even when hunting, I thought of her, craved her. I was sustaining the monster, allowing the civilized portion of me to wrestle control away from it, only to have it fight back in the only way it could effectively do so.

I became sickened as I drank, wishing to stop, knowing I couldn't if I wanted to see her.

I acknowledged the monster's victory in this metaphorical battle.

But it would not win the war.