Disclaimer: DIVERGENT AND ALL OF ITS CHARACTERS BELONG TO VERONICA ROTH!
(Tobias POV)
Hand in hand, we walk toward the Pit. Tris keeps changing the pressure of her hand. She seems nervous. She is either too tight or not gripping hard enough. I run one of my fingertips down her palm, and she shivers. I let a smirk play on my face.
"So…" Tris starts. "Four fears."
"Four fears then; four fears now." I say, nodding. "They haven't changed, so I keep going in there but … I still haven't made any progress."
"You can't be fearless, remember?" She says. "Because you still care about things. About your life."
"I know."
We walk along the edge of the Pit on a narrow path that leads to the rocks at the bottom of the chasm. It blends in with the rock wall so not many people know of this spot. I'm probably the only person who knows it well.
Tris seems lost in thought before asking, "What were your simulation scores during training?"
"Ah." I scratch the back of my neck with my free hand. "Does it matter?"
"Yes, I want to know."
"How demanding you are." I smile. My demanding, sassy, girl. No, she's not your girl yet. Ah, who gives a shit? She will be in a minute.
We reach the end of the path and stand at the bottom of the chasm, where the rocks form unsteady ground, rising up at a harsh angle from the rushing water. I lead her up and down, across small gaps and over angular ridges. Our shoes leave marks on every rock with wet footprints.
I find a relatively flat rock near the side, where the current isn't strong, and sit down, my feet dangling over the edge. She sits beside me, seeming comfortable here, inches above hazardous water.
I release her hand. She stares at the jagged edge of the rock.
"These are things I don't tell people, you know. Not even my friends." I say.
She laces her fingers together and clenches. I need to think of how to explain this to her. I need to tell her I'm Divergent. No secrets. The roar of the chasm ensures that we won't be overheard. I can tell that Tris is becoming nervous.
"Well, before you can understand, you need to know the background. When this whole 'gang system' started out, they would do these things called 'aptitude tests'. It was a test that would tell you what gang to go into. Although, no matter what score you got, you had the choice to pick another gang. When we decided on our future, we would cut our palms with a knife and let the blood drip into a bowl which had different things that represented all five gangs. But as you can see, that changed over two years. However, if you were to get more than one gang, you were considered 'Divergent' and they'd kill you if they found out. The aptitude tests were stopped because Erudite started getting into everyone's business. Now, all gangs recruit their own members." I don't have to explain why they would kill us. I explained that in a past conversation. "My result was…" A small smirk makes its way on my lips, she probably won't believe this. "Abnegation."
"Oh." She seems kind of surprised and kind of let down. Wonder why.
"But you chose Dauntless anyway?" She asks.
"Out of necessity."
"Why did you have to leave?" She knows. Or else I wouldn't have known she'd figure out my past and name.
I know she wants to see if I'd open up, but I can't. Not yet. I don't want her to be afraid of me. I'm not like my dad. Yes, you are. No. Yes. My eyes dart away from hers. I can't look at her right now. What if I was to hurt her? I can't lay a hand on this precious girl.
"Abnegation works in the city, partially with the government." She says while nodding, putting it all together. "But the government doesn't know. And if you joined, you'd have to see your dad. Then not only would you have to see him again, but everyone had the idea that you ran away and joined a gang or something, so they'd figure it out. Then you'd put your life and the city's at risk with all five conjoined gangs. You also don't want to be a Dauntless leader because you'll never know where the meetings are. Am I right?"
I lift a shoulder. She got it right. "That, and I've always felt like I don't quite belong among the Dauntless. Not the way they are now, anyway."
"But you're…incredible." She says. She pauses and clears her throat. "I mean, by Dauntless standards. Four fears is unheard of. How could you not belong here?"
I shrug. I don't care about my talent or my status among the Dauntless. I used to, but I know it means nothing now. And it's not important now.
"I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren't all that different. All your life you've been training to forget yourself, so when you're in danger, it becomes your first instinct. I could belong in Abnegation just as easily." I say.
"Yeah, well… I wouldn't be selfless enough, no matter how hard I would try to be. So, I'd only 'belong' here, not Abnegation." She says.
"That's not entirely true." I smile at her. "That girl who let someone throw knives at her to spare a friend, who hit my dad with a belt to protect me – that selfless girl, that's not you?"
She frowns at me. "You've been paying close attention, haven't you?"
"I like to observe people."
"Maybe you were cut out for Candor, Four, because you're a terrible liar."
I put my hand on the rock next to me, my fingers lining up with hers. She looks down at our hands. She's blushing and trying not to look up at me.
"Fine." I lean my face closer to hers, getting her attention. My eyes focus on her chin, lips, nose. "I watched you because I like you." I say it plainly, boldly. Might as well get it out now. My eyes flick up to hers. "And don't call me 'Four', okay? It's nice to hear my name again." Especially from those lips.
Just like that, I've finally declared myself. She doesn't respond. Her cheeks get red. "But you're older than I am … Tobias." She says.
I smile at her. "Yes, that whopping two – year gap really is insurmountable, isn't it?"
"I'm not trying to be self – deprecating. I just don't get it. I'm younger. I'm not pretty. I-"
I laugh, a deep laugh. I touch my lips to her temple. All she thinks that I care about is looks, but that's not important right now. She can't just try to be beautiful on the outside; she just needs to know that she should embrace the beauty inside of her.
"Don't pretend." She says, breathily. "You know I'm not. I'm not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty."
I'm not going to argue about her outer 'beauty'. She just needs to know that all that matters is how beautiful she is inside. "Fine. You're not pretty. So?" I kiss her cheek. "I like how you look. You're deadly smart. You're brave. And even though you found out about Marcus…" My voice softens. "You aren't giving me that look. Like I'm a kicked puppy or something."
"Well, you're not" She replies.
For a second, my eyes are on hers, and I'm quiet. Then, I touch her face and lean in close, brushing her lips with mine. The river roars and I feel it spray on my ankles. I grin and finally press my mouth to hers.
She tenses up at first, unsure of herself, so I pull away to make sure she's okay. She looks like she thinks she did something wrong. I will make the kiss more sure this time. I take her face in my hand, and kiss her again, firmer, certain. She wraps an arm around me, sliding her hand up my neck and into my hair.
For a few minutes we kiss, deep in the chasm, with the roar of water all around us. And when we rise, hand in hand, I realize that if I had chosen differently, I would have never seen her again after that night at the bar. I, for once, am glad I put my hand over the bowl of coals.
Next Morning
(Tris POV)
The next morning, I'm silly and light. Every time I push the smile from my face, it fights it's way back. Eventually, I stop suppressing it. I let my hair hang loose and abandon my uniform of loose shirts of one that cuts across my shoulders, revealing my tattoos.
"What is it with you today?" Christina asks on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are still swollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face.
"Oh, you know. Sun shining. Birds chirping." I say.
She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me we're in an underground tunnel.
"Let the girl be in a good mood. You may never see it again." Will says.
I smack his arm and hurry to the dining hall. My heart pounds because I know that at some point in the next half hour, I will see Tobias. I sit down in my usual place, next to Uriah, with Will and Christina across from us. The seat on my left stays empty. I wonder if Tobias will sit in it; if he'll grin at me over breakfast; if he'll look at me in that secret, stolen way that I imagine myself looking at him.
I grab a piece of toast from the plate in the middle of the table and start to butter it with a little too much enthusiasm. I feel myself acting like a lunatic, but I can't stop. It would be like refusing to breathe.
Then he walks in. His hair is shorter, and it looks darker this way, almost black. I smile at him and lift my hand to wave him over, but he sits next to Zeke without glancing my way, so I let my hand drop.
I stare at my toast. It's not easy to smile now.
"Something wrong?" Uriah asks with a mouthful of toast.
I just shake my head and take a bite. What did I expect? Just because we kissed doesn't mean anything changes. Maybe he changed his mind about liking me. Maybe he thinks kissing me was a mistake or disgusting.
"Today's fear landscape day. You think we'll get to see our own fear landscapes?" Will asks.
"No." Uriah shakes his head. "You go through one of the instructors' landscapes. My brother told me."
"Ooh, which instructor?" Christina asks, perking up.
"You know, it really isn't fair that you all get insider information and we don't." Will says, glaring at Uriah.
"Like you wouldn't use an advantage if you had one." Uriah retorts.
Christina ignores them. "I hope it's Four's landscape."
"Why?" I ask. The question comes out too incredulous. I bite my lip and wish I could take it back.
"Looks like someone had a mood swing." She rolls her eyes. "Like you don't want to know what his fears are. He acts so tough that he's probably afraid of marshmallows and really bright sunrises or something. Overcompensating."
I shake my head. "It won't be him."
"How would you know?"
"It's just a prediction."
I remember Tobias's father in his fear landscape. He wouldn't let everyone see that. I glance at him. For a second, his eyes shift to mine. His stare is unfeeling. Then he looks away.
PAGE BREAK
Lauren stands with her hands on her hips outside the fear landscape room.
"Two years ago, I was afraid of spiders, suffocation, walls that inch slowly inward and trap you between them, failing initiation, uncontrollable bleeding, getting run over by a train, my father's death, public humiliation, and kidnapping by men without faces." She says.
Everyone stares blankly at her.
"Most of you will have anywhere from ten to fifteen fears in your fear landscapes. That is the average number." She says.
"What's the lowest number someone has gotten?" Lynn asks.
"In recent years four." Lauren says.
I have not looked at Tobias since we were in the cafeteria, but I can't help but look at him now. He keeps his eyes trained on the floor. I knew that four was a low number, low enough to merit a nickname, but I didn't know it was less than half the average.
I glare at my feet. He's exceptional. And now he won't even look at me.
"You will not find out your number today. The simulation is set to my fear landscape program, so you will experience my fears instead of your own." Lauren says.
I give Christina a pointed look. I was right; we won't go through Four's landscape.
"For the purposes of this exercise, though, each of you will only face one of my fears, to get a sense for how the simulation works."
Lauren points to us at random and assigns us each a fear. I was standing in the back, so I will go close to last. The fear that she assigned to me was kidnapping.
Because I'm not hooked up to the computer as I wait, I can't watch the simulation, only the person's reaction to it. It is the perfect way to distract myself from my preoccupation with Tobias – clenching my hands into fists as Will brushes off spiders I can't see and Uriah presses his hands against the walls that are invisible to me, and smirking as Peter turns bright red during whatever he experiences in "public humiliation". Then it's my turn.
The obstacle won't be comfortable for me, but because I have been able to manipulate every simulation, not just this one, and because I have already gone through Tobias's landscape, I am not apprehensive as Lauren inserts the needle into my neck.
Then the scenery changes and the kidnapping begins. The ground turns into grass beneath my feet, and hands clamp around my arms, over my mouth. It is too dark to see.
I stand next to the chasm. I hear the roar of the water. I scream into the hand that covers my mouth and thrash to free myself, but the arms are too strong; my kidnappers are too strong. The image of myself falling into darkness flashes into my mind, the same image that I now carry with me in my nightmares. I scream again; I scream until my throat hurts and I squeeze hot tears from my eyes.
I knew they would come back for me; I knew that they would try again. The first time was not enough. I scream again – not for help, because no one can help me, but because that's what you do when you're about it due and you can't stop it.
"Stop." A stern voice says.
The hands disappear, and the lights come on. I stand on cement in the fear landscape room. My body shakes, and I drop to my knees, pressing my hands into my face. I just failed. I lost all logic, I lose all sense. Lauren's fear transformed into one of my own.
And everyone saw me. Tobias saw me.
I hear footsteps. Tobias marches toward me and wrenches me to my feet.
"What the hell was that?" It's not in a caring way, it's like he blames me. Does he not give a shit this is a replay when I was touched and almost killed?
"I…" My breath comes in a hiccup. "I didn't-"
"Get yourself together! This is pathetic."
I take everything back. He will always be an asshole. I knew everything about us was bullshit. Something within me snaps. My tears stop. Heat races through my body, driving the weakness out of me, and I smack him so hard my knuckles burn with the impact. He stares at me, one side of his face bright with blush-blood, and I stare back.
"Shut up." I say. I yank my arm from his grasp and leave the room.
Next Day
(Tobias POV)
As I walk down the hallway, I can see a petite, small shadow in the little bit of blue lights lighting up the halls. I squint my eyes. I know that figure. I follow it and notice it starts to walk out, like it's going to leave the compound. But it's too late at night. And there's nobody with them.
I decide to follow it and try to keep close. Once I get close enough that the blue lights illuminate them, I'm steaming. Her blonde hair shines in the light. She turns around, as if she knows someone is following her. To her surprise, I'm right behind her and she lets out a gasp.
"T-Four!" She says in a yell-whisper.
"What do you think you're doing?" I respond through clenched teeth. I walk up and grab her arm tight, so she can't keep running.
"Why do you care, anyway? You can be either cruel instructor or concerned boyfriend." She snaps then tenses up. I like that term. "Boyfriend." Hell, I love it. I'm yours and you're mine, baby. I have never, ever, wanted to be with anyone. But with her, I always want to be with her. I want her in my apartment, in my arms, in my bed, showered by my kisses.
Her sentence came back to me and I'm suddenly furious again. "I am not cruel." I scowl at her. "I was protecting you this morning. How do you think Peter and his idiot friends would have reacted if they discovered that you and I were…" I sigh. "You would never win. They would always call your ranking a result of my favoritism rather than your skill."
She opens her mouth, and then shuts it again. Her cheeks start to warm. I suddenly remember the death grip I have on her as she comes to realization. I let go immediately. I feel like…no. No, I can't be. But…what if I hurt her in the future? Like Marcus did to my mom. She presses her hands to her face, like she's trying to cool them down.
"You didn't have to insult me to prove a point to them." She says.
"And you didn't have to decide to try and run off again because I hurt you." I say. I rub the back of my neck. I don't feel like we should be arguing. "Besides – it worked didn't it?"
"At my expense."
"I didn't think it would affect you this way." I look down and shrug. "Sometimes I forget that I can hurt you. That you are capable of being hurt."
She slides her hands into her pockets and rocks back on her heels. She needs to understand that we will have problems like this in the future. Future? Future. I know that Tris is strong. But I also have to remember that she's human. And unlike me.
All of a sudden, she stands on her tiptoes, lifts her head, and kisses me. Only our lips touch.
"You're brilliant, you know that?" She shakes her head. "You always know exactly what to do."
"Only because I've been thinking about this for a long time" I say, kissing her briefly. "How I would handle it, if you and I…" I pull back and smile. "Did I hear you just call me your boyfriend, Tris?" I change the subject to one that makes me happy.
"Not exactly." She shrugs. "Why? Do you want me to?"
I slip my hands over her neck and press my thumbs under her chin, tilting her head back so her forehead meets mine. For a moment I stand there, eyes closed, breathing each other's air. I feel the pulse in her fingertips. I feel the quickness of her breaths. She seems nervous. It makes me smirk.
"Yes." I finally say. Then my smile fades away. "You think we convinced them you're just a silly girl?"
"I hope so." She says. "Sometimes it helps to be small."
I can feel the corners of my mouth tug down as I think of how the Erudite is planning something with Dauntless. I give her a grave look. "There's something I need to tell you."
"What is it?"
"Not now." I glance around to check if someone's around and the cameras. "Meet me back here at eleven thirty. Don't tell anyone where you're going."
She nods, and I turn away, leaving just as quickly as I came.
(Tris POV)
"Where have you been all day?" Christina asks when I walk back into the dormitory. The room is empty. Everyone must be at dinner. "I looked for you outside, but I couldn't find you. Is everything okay? Did you get in trouble for hitting Four?"
I shake my head. The thought of telling her the truth about where I was makes me exhausted. How can I explain that I wanted to leave Dauntless and if they came after me to kill me, I'd be okay with that? And after all that, Four stopped me. Or what happened before that made me try to run again and what happened after? Or the reason I exploded and hit Tobias in the first place?
"I just had to take a walk around the compound. I walked around for a long time. And no, I'm not in trouble. He yelled at me, I apologized…that's it."
As I speak, I'm careful to keep my eyes steady on hers and my hands still at my sides.
"Good. Because I have something to tell you." She says.
She looks over my head at the door and stands on her tiptoes to look at all the bunks. Checking if they're empty, probably. Then she sets her hands on my shoulders.
"Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"
"I'm always a girl." I frown.
"You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl."
I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay."
She grins so wide I can see her back row of teeth. "Will kissed me."
"What?" I demand. "When? How? What happened?"
"You can be a girl!" She straightens, taking her hands from my shoulders. "Well, right after your little episode, we ate lunch and then we walked around the compound. We were in an empty area and then he just stopped, and leaned in, and…kissed me."
"Did you know that he liked you? I mean, you know. Like that." I ask.
"No!" She laughs. "The best part was, that was it! We just kept walking and talking like nothing happened. Well, until I kissed him."
"How long have you known you liked him?"
"I don't know. I guess I didn't. But then little things … how he put his arm around me at the funeral, how he opens doors for me like I'm a girl instead of someone who could beat the crap out of him."
I laugh. Suddenly I want to tell her about Tobias and everything that happened between us. But the same reasons Tobias gave for pretending we aren't together hold me back. I don't want her to think that my rank has anything to do with my relationship with him.
So I just say, "I'm happy for you."
"Thanks. I'm happy too. And I thought it would be a while before I could feel that way … you know." She says.
She sits down on the edge of my bed and looks around the dormitory. Some of the initiates have already packed their things. Soon we'll move into apartments on the other side of the compound. Those with higher jobs and work with the system will move to the glass building above the Pit. I won't have to worry about Peter attacking me in my sleep. I won't have to looks at Al's empty bed.
"I can't believe it's almost over. It's like we just got here. But it's also like … like I haven't seen home in forever." She says.
"You miss it?" I lean into the bed frame.
"Yeah." She shrugs. "Some things are the same, though. I mean, everyone at home is just as loud as everyone here, so that's good. But it's easier there. You always know where you stand with everyone, because they tell you. There's no … manipulation."
I nod. On the streets, anybody could be blunt as long as you shared the same power. But here, it's so…manipulated to see where to stand.
"I don't think I could have made it through Candor initiation." She shakes her head and smiles. Probably because we always say she could fit into Candor. "There, instead of simulations, you get lie detector tests. All day, every day. And the final test…" She wrinkles her nose. "They give you this stuff they call truth serum and sit you in front of everyone and ask you a load of really personal questions. The theory is that if you spill all your secrets, you'll have no desire to lie about anything, ever again. Like the worst about you is already in the open, so why not just be honest?"
I don't know when I accumulated so many secrets. When I left at sixteen. Becoming one of the best drug dealers. Joining Dauntless. Being Divergent. Fears. How I really feel about my friends, my family, Al, Tobias. Candor initiation would reach things that even the simulations can't touch. My whole life's a lie. It would wreck me.
"Sounds awful." I reply.
"I always knew that if I was to be picked, I would never be Candor. I couldn't be. I mean, I try to be honest, but some things you just don't want people to know. Plus, I like to be in control of my own mind."
Don't we all.
"Anyway" She says. She opens the cabinet to the left of our bunk beds. When she pulls the door open, a moth flutters out, its white wings carrying it toward her face. Christina shrieks so loud I almost jump out of my skin and slaps at her cheeks.
"Get it off! Get it off get it off get it off!" She screams.
The moth flutters away.
"It's gone." I say then start laughing. "You're afraid of … moths?"
"They're disgusting. Those papery wings and their stupid bug bodies …" She shudders.
I keep laughing. I laugh so hard I have to sit down and hold my stomach.
"It's not funny!" She snaps. "Well … okay maybe it is. A little."
(Tobias POV)
My blonde beauty comes walking up to me at the same spot we were. I don't say anything. I just take her hand and start pulling her to the exit of Dauntless. She stops and the small tug makes me stop. I turn around.
"Where are we going?" She asks.
"Train tracks." I mouth.
"Tobias, we can't go there." She whispers.
I just give a smirk and keep walking. Nobody questions me around here. If I want to take her out of the compound, I can.
We exit Dauntless and I look around to make sure no guards are around. I let go of Tris' hand. "C'mon." I say then begin jogging. We almost miss the train and it seems like Tris is running out of energy. Well, she better be ready for this.
I grab her arm, draw myself into the train car as it passes with ease and pull her in. She falls against me, her cheek against my chest. My fingers slide down her arms, and I hold her by the elbows as the car bumps along the steel rails. I watch the glass building above the Dauntless compound shrink behind us.
"What is it you need to tell me?" She shouts over the cry of the wind.
"Not yet." I say.
I sink to the floor and pull her down with me, so I'm sitting with my back against the wall and she's facing me, her legs trailing to the dusty floor. The air pushes a strand of her hair loose and it tosses over her face. I press my palms to her face, my index fingers sliding behind her ears, and pull her mouth to mine.
I hear the screech of the rails as the train slows, which means we must be nearing the middle of the city. The air is cold but her lips are so soft and warm. I tilt my head and kiss the skin just beneath her jaw. She looks as if she let out a sigh, but I couldn't hear it. It makes me smirk and her face turns red.
The train car wobbles, throwing her off balance, and she puts her hand down to steady herself. A split second later she notices it landed on my hip. The smirk remains on my face when she doesn't remove her hand, making her face redder.
She shifts, swinging a leg over me so she straddles me. She seems nervous. But she still leans towards me and kisses me. I sit up straighter and place my hands on her shoulders. I don't want to go too far with her. It's too soon. And I want her. Forever. My fingers slip down her spine and I can feel her shiver as I trail it all the way down to the small of her back. I smirk against her lips. I unzip her jackets a few inches. It's probably getting too hot for her. She's really nervous. I want her to calm down. She presses her shaking hand to her thighs to stop them.
I pull away and look carefully at her tattoos that I first saw on her. I brush my fingers over them, and smile.
"Birds. Are they crows? I keep forgetting to ask." I say, joking around.
She returns with a small smile. "Ravens. One for each member of my family. You like them?" She asks.
I don't answer. Instead, I tug her closer, pressing my lips to each bird. I make sure my touch is light, sensitive. I touch her cheek as I pull away.
"I hate to say this, but we have to get up now." I say.
She nods and opens her eyes. We both stand, and I tug her with me to the open door of the train car. The wind is not as strong now that the train slowed. It's past midnight, so all the street lights are dark. I lift a hand a point to a cluster of buildings, so far away, they're the size of a fingernail. It's the Erudite's place.
"Apparently the city ordinances don't mean anything to them, because their lights will be on all night." I say. They really are idiots. They'll get caught one day. Well, they probably have, but they also probably lied and the U.S. thinks that they're just coming up with cures for different diseases or something.
"No one else has noticed?" She asks, frowning.
"I'm sure they have, but they haven't done anything to stop it. It may be because they don't want to cause a problem over something so small." I shrug. "But it made me wonder what the Erudite are doing that requires night light."
I turn towards her, leaning against the wall.
"Two things you should know about me. The first is that I am deeply suspicious of people in general. It is my nature to expect the worst of them. And the second is that I am unexpectedly good with computers." I say.
She nods. I know, for most people it seems unbelievable seeing me do shit like that, but I also have shifts so it's just a time consumer when I'm not booked for underground fighting.
"A few weeks ago, before training started, I was at work and I found a way into the Dauntless secure files. Apparently we aren't as skilled as the Erudite with security, and what I discovered was what looked like war plans. Gang wars. Thinly veiled commands, supply lists, maps. Things like that. And those files were sent by Erudite." I explain. Everything has been coming into place. I can't believe that Erudite and Dauntless are going to join together in planning murder to the other gangs. They both want power, so what happens in the end when we're the only two left? We're the most blood – thirsty gangs.
"War?" She brushes her hair away from her face. She doesn't seem as shocked as I would've thought. Hell, even the real world wouldn't be that shocked. They just wouldn't know what it was like unless it was them.
"War on Abnegation?"
I take her hands, lacing her fingers with mine. "War on every gang. But yes, Abnegation … they want them all dead. Abnegation has the most control over the system at the moment."
"All those reports are supposed to stir up dissension against Abnegation." I say, my eyes focused on the city beyond the train car. I've also seen the reports of Tris' parents. Why are they exactly going after her? It's all so confusing. I won't bring it up. "Evidently the Erudite now want to speed up the process. I have no idea what to do about it … or what could even be done."
"But, why would Erudite team up with Dauntless?" She asks. She seems to be having a conversation in her head, before she comes to realization. My smart ass girl. She stares wide – eyed at me.
"They're going to use us." She says.
"I wonder, how they plan to get us to fight. I'm sure not everyone would be willing." I say.
Who the hell would be willing? It's a gang war. We're going to die and kill in the most gruesome way. I … I don't even want to know how Tris may die. IF Tris may die. No, I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen.
"I don't know." She says.
Next Day
(Tris POV)
Initiation day plunges the Dauntless compound into insanity and chaos. There are people everywhere, and most of them are inebriated by noon. I fight my way through them to get a plate of food at lunch and carry it back to the dormitory with me. On the way I see someone fall off the path on the Pit wall, and judging by his scream and the way he grabs at his leg, he broke something.
The dormitory, at least, is quiet. I stare at my plate of food. I just grabbed what looked good to me at the time, and now that I take a closer look, I realize that I chose a plain chicken breast, a scoop of peas, and a piece of brown bread. I'm eating so plainly, like I did on the streets. Maybe this is why I can't gain weight. I know I'm not going to be even able to eat it all.
I sigh. I still have my habits. It is what I am when I'm not thinking about what I'm doing.
The thought of home sends a tremor through my hands. I can't think of it, though. Not today. Today I have to focus on me. One thing at a time.
I eat like a robot, rotating from chicken to peas to bread and back again. I can't stomach more than half of everything until I push my plate away. In two hours I will walk to the fear landscape room with the other initiates, go through my fear landscape, and become Dauntless. It's too late to turn back.
When I finish, I bury my face in my pillow. I don't mean to fall asleep, but after a while, I do, and I wake up to Christina shaking my shoulder.
"Time to go." She says. She looks ashen.
I rub my eyes to press my sleep from them. I have my shoes on already. The other initiates are in the dormitory, tying shoelaces, buttoning jackets and throwing smiles around like they don't mean it. I pull my hair into a bun and put on my black jacket, zipping it up to my throat. The torture will be over soon, but can we forget the simulation? Will we ever sleep soundly again, with the memories of our fears in our heads? Or will we finally forget our fears today, like we're supposed to do?
We walk to the Pit and up the path that leads to the glass building. I look up at the glass ceiling. I can't see the daylight because the soles of our shoes cover every inch of glass above us. For a second I think I hear the glass creak, but it is my imagination. I walk up the stairs with Christina, and the crowd chokes me.
I am too short to see above anyone's head, so I stare at Will's back and walk in his wake. The heat of so many bodies around me makes it difficult to breathe. Beads of sweat gather on my forehead. A break in the crowd reveals what they are all clustered around. A series of screens on the wall to my left.
I hear a cheer and stop to look at the screens. The screen on the left shows a black – clothed girl in the fear landscape room – Marlene. I watch her move, her eyes wide, but I can't tell what obstacle she's facing. Thank God no one out here will see my fears either – just my reactions to them.
The middle screen shows her heart rate. It picks up for a second and the decreases. When it reaches a normal rate, the screen flashes green and the Dauntless cheer. The screen on the right shows her time.
I tear my eyes away from the screen and jog to catch up to Christina and Will. Tobias stands just inside a door on the left side of the room that I barely noticed the last time I was here. It is next to the fear landscape room. I walk past him without looking at him.
The room is large and contains another screen, similar to the one outside. A line of people sit in chairs in front of it. Eric is one of them, and so is Max. The others are also older. Judging by the wires connected to their heads, and their blank eyes, they are observing the simulation.
Behind them is another line of chairs, all occupied now. I am the last to enter, so I don't get one.
"Hey, Tris!" Uriah calls out from across the room. He sits with others from Lauren's group. Only four of them are left; the rest have gone through their fear landscapes already. He pats his leg. "You can sit on my lap, if you want."
"Tempting!" I call back, grinning. "It's fine. I like to stand."
I'm glad everyone was talking, or else they would have been listening to an awkward conversation. Well, one person was listening. Tobias. I don't miss the way he leans against the wall, picking his nails, and glancing up at Uriah with an intimidating look. That's hot.
The lights lift in the fear landscape room, revealing Marlene in a crouch, her face streaked with tears. Max, Eric, and a few other shake off the simulation daze and walk out. A few seconds later I see them on the screen, congratulating her for finishing.
"Transfers, the order in which you go through the final test was taken from your rankings as they now stand. So Drew will go first, and Tris will go last." Tobias says. That means five people go before me.
I stand in the back of the room, a few feet away from Tobias. He and I exchange glances when Eric sticks Drew with the needle and sends him into the fear landscape room. By the time it's my turn, I will know how well the others did, and how well I will have to do to beat them.
The fear landscapes are not interesting to watch from the outside. I can see that Drew is moving, but I don't know what he's reacting to. After a few minutes, I close my eyes instead of watching and try to think of nothing. Speculating about which fears I will have to face, and how many there will be, is useless at this point. I just have to remember that I have the power to manipulate the simulations, and that I have practiced it before.
Molly goes next. It takes her half as long as it takes Drew, but even Molly has trouble. She spends too much time breathing heavily, trying to control her panic. At one point she even screams at the top of her lungs.
It amazes me how easy it is to tune out everything else – thoughts of a gang war, Tobias, my family, my friends, my gang fade away. All I can do now is get past this obstacle.
Christina is next. Then Will. Then Peter. I don't watch them. I know only how much time it takes them. Twelve minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. And then my name.
"Tris."
I open my eyes and walk to the front of the observation room, where Eric stands with a syringe full of orange liquid. I barely feel the needle as it plunges into my neck, barely I see Eric's pierced face as he pressed the plunger down. I imagine that the serum is liquid adrenaline rushing through my veins, making me strong.
"Ready?" He asks.
I am ready. I step into the room, armed not with a gun or a knife, but with the plan I made last night. Tobias said that stage three is about mental preparation – coming up with strategies to overcome my fears.
I wish I knew what order the fears will come in. I bounce on the balls of my feet as I wait for the first fear to appear. I'm already short of breath.
The ground around me changes. Grass rises from the concrete and sways in the wind I can't feel. A green sky replaces the exposed pipes above me. I listen for the birds and my fear as a distant thing, a hammering heart and a squeezed chest, but not something that exists in my mind. Tobias told me to figure out what this simulation means. He was right; it isn't about the birds. It's about control.
Wings flap next to my ear, and the crow's talons dig into my shoulder.
This time, I do not hit the bird as I can. I crouch, listening to the thunder of wings behind me, and run my hand through the grass, just above the ground. What combats powerlessness? Power. And the first time I felt powerful in the Dauntless compound was when I was holding a gun.
A lump forms in my throat and I want the talons off. The bird squawks and my stomach clenches, but then I feel something hard and metal in the grass. My gun.
I point the gun at the bird on my shoulder, and it detaches from my shirt in an explosion of blood and feathers. I spin on my heel, aiming the gun at the sky, and see the cloud of dark feathers descending. I squeeze the trigger, firing again and again into the sea of birds above me, watching their dark bodies drop into the grass.
As I aim and shoot, I feel the same rush of power I felt the first time I held a gun. My heart stops racing and the field, gun, and birds fade away. I stand in the dark again.
I shift my weight and something squeaks beneath my foot. I crouch down and slide my hand along a cold, smooth panel. Glass. I press my hands to the glass on either side of my body. The tank again. I am not afraid of drowning. This is not about the water; it is about my inability to escape the tank. It is about weakness. I just have to convince myself that I am strong enough to break the glass.
The blue lights come on, and water slips over the floor, but I don't let the simulation get that far. I slam my palm against the wall in front of me, expecting the pane to break.
My hand bounces off, causing no damage.
My heartbeat speeds up. What is what worked in the first simulation doesn't work here? What if I can't break the glass unless I'm under duress? The water laps over my ankles, flowing faster by the second. I have to calm down. Calm down and focus. I lean against the wall behind me and kick as hard as I can. And again. My toes throb, but nothing happens.
I have another option. I can wait for water to fill the tank – it's already at my knees – and try to calm down as I drown. I brace myself against the wall, shaking my head. No. I can't let myself drown. I can't.
I ball up my hands into fists and pound on the wall. I am stronger than the glass. The glass is as thin as newly frozen ice. My mind will make it so. I close my eyes. The glass is ice. The glass is ice. The glass is –
The glass shatters under my hand, and water spills onto the floor. And then the dark returns.
I shake out my hands. That should have been an easy obstacle to overcome. I've faced it before in simulations. I can't afford to lose time like that again.
What feels like a solid wall hits me from the side, forcing the air out of my lungs, and I fall hard, gasping. I can't swim; I've only seen bodies of water this large, this powerful, in pictures. Beneath me is a rock with a jagged edge, slick with water. The water pulls at my legs, and I cling to the rock, tasting salt on my lips. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a dark sky and blood – red moon.
Another wave hits, slamming against my back. I hit my shin against the stone and wince. The sea is cold, but my blood is hot, running down my neck. I stretch my arm and find the edge of the rock. The water pulls me and the wave throws my body back. It flings my legs over my head and my arms to each side, and I collide with the stone, my back pressed against it, water gushing over my face. My lungs scream for air. I twist and grab the edge of the rock, pulling myself above the water. I gasp, and another wave hits me, this one harder than the first, but I have better hold.
I must not really be afraid of the water. I must be afraid of being out of control. To face it, I have to regain control.
With a scream of frustration, I throw my hand forward and find a hole in the rock. My arms shake violently as I drag myself forward, and I pull my feet up under me before the wave can take me with it. Once my feet are free, I get up and throw my body into a run, into a sprint, my feet quick on the stone, the red moon in front of me, the ocean gone.
Then everything is gone.
I try to move my arms, but they are bound tightly to my sides. I look down and see rope wrapped around my chest, my arms, my legs. A stack of logs rises around my feet, and I see a pole behind me. I am high above the ground.
People creep out of the shadows, and their faces are familiar. They are the initiates, carrying torches, and Peter is at the front of the pack. His eyes look like black pits, and he wears a smirk that spreads too wide across his face, forcing wrinkles into his cheeks. A laugh stirs somewhere in the center of the crowd and rises as voice after voice joins in. Cackling is all I hear.
As the cackling grows louder, Peter lowers his torch to the wood, and the flames lead up near the ground. The flicker at the edges of each log and then creep up over the bark. I don't struggle against the ropes, as I did the first time I faced this fear. Instead I close my eyes and gulp as much air as I can. This is a simulation. It can't hurt me. The heat from the flames rises around me. I shake my head.
"Smell that, Stiff?" Peter says, his voice louder than the cackling.
"No." I say. The flames are getting higher.
He sniffs. "That's the smell of your burning flesh."
When I open my eyes, my vision is blurry with tears.
"Know what I smell?" My voice strains to be louder than the laughter all around me, the laughter that oppresses me as much as the heat. My arms twitch, and I want to fight against the ropes, but I won't, I won't struggle pointlessly, I won't panic.
I stare through the flames at Peter, the heat bringing blood to the surface of my skin, flowing through me, melting the toes of my shoes.
"I smell rain." I say.
Thunder roars above my head, and I scream as a flame touches my fingertips and pain shrieks over my skin. I tilt my head back and focus on the clouds gathering above my head, heavy with rain, dark with rain. A line of lightning sprawls over the sky and I feel the first drop on my forehead. Faster, faster! The drop rolls down the side of my nose and the second drop hits my shoulder, so big it feels like it's made of ice or rock instead of water.
Sheets of rain fall around me, and I hear sizzling over the laughter. I smile, relieved, as the rain puts out the fire and soothes the burns on my hands. The ropes fall away, and I push my hands through my hair.
I wish I was like Tobias and had only four fears to face, but I am not that fearless.
I smooth my shirt down, and when I look up, I stand in my bedroom in the modern – class side of the city. I have never faced this fear before, yet I'm already panicking. The lights are off, but the room is lit by the moonlight coming through the windows. One of my walls is covered with mirrors. I turn toward it, confused. That isn't right. I am not allowed to have mirrors.
I look at the reflection in the mirror; my eyes wide, the bed with gray sheets pulled taut, the dresser that holds my clothes, the bookcase, the bare walls. My eyes skip to the window behind me.
And to the man standing just outside.
Cold drops down my spine like a bead of sweat, and my body goes rigid. I recognize him. He is the man with the scarred face that I always saw in the homeless sector. He wears black and he stands still as a statue. I blink, and two men appear at his left and right, just as still as he is, but their faces are featureless – skin – covered skulls.
I whip my body around, and they stand in my room. I press my shoulders to the mirror.
For a moment, the room is silent, and then fists pound against my window, not just two or four or six, but dozens of fists, slamming into the glass. The noise vibrates in my rib cage, it is so loud, and then the scarred man and his two companions begin to walk with slow, careful movements toward me.
They are here to take me, like Peter and Drew and Al; to kill me. I know it.
Simulation. This is a simulation. My heart hammers in my chest, I press my palm to the glass behind me and slide it to the left. It is not a mirror but a closet door. I tell myself where the weapon will be. It will be hanging against the right wall, just inches away from my hand. I don't shift my eyes from the scarred man, but I find the gun with my fingertips and wrap my hand around the handle.
I bite my lip and fire at the scarred man. I don't wait to see if the bullet hits him – I aim at each featureless man in turn, as fast as I can. My lip aches from biting it so hard. The pounding on the window stops, but a screeching sound replaces it, and the fists turn into hands with bent fingers, scratching at the glass, fighting to get in. The glass creaks under the pressure of their hands, and then cracks, and then shatters.
I scream.
I don't have enough bullets in my gun.
Pale bodies – human bodies, but mangled, arms bent at odd angles, too – wide mouths with needle teeth, empty eye sockets – topple into my bedroom, one after the other, and scramble to their feet, scramble toward me. I pull back into the closet and shut the door in front of me. A solution. I need a solution. I sink into a crouch and press the side of my gun to my head. I can't fight them off. I can't fight them off, so I have to calm down. The fear landscape will register my slowing heartbeat and my even breath and it will move on to the next obstacle.
I sit down on the floor of the closet. The wall behind me creaks. I hear pounding – the fists are at it again, hitting the closet door – but I turn and peer through the dark at the panel behind me. It is not a wall but another door. I fumble to push it aside and reveal the upstairs hallway. Smiling, I crawl through the hole and stand. I smell something baking. I am at home.
Taking a deep breath, I watch my house fade. I forgot, for a second, that I was in Dauntless.
And then Tobias is standing in front of me.
But I'm not afraid of Tobias. I look over my shoulder. Maybe there's something behind me that I'm supposed to focus on. But no – behind me is just a four – poster bed.
A bed?
Tobias walks toward me, slowly.
What's going on?
I stare up at him, paralyzed. He smiles down at me. That smile looks kind. Familiar.
He presses his mouth to mine, and my lips part. I thought it would be impossible to forget I was in a simulation. I was wrong; he makes everything else disintegrate.
His fingers find my jackets zipper and pull it down in one slow swipe until the zipper detaches. He tugs the jacket from my shoulders.
Oh, is all I think, as he kisses me again. Oh.
My fear is being with him. I have been wary of affection all my life, but I didn't know how deep that wariness went.
But this obstacle doesn't feel the same as the others. It is a different kind of fear – nervous panic rather than blind terror.
He slides his hands down my arms and then squeezes my hips, his fingers sliding over the skin just above my belt, and I shiver.
I gently push him back and press my hands to my forehead. I have been attacked by crows and mean with grotesque faces; I have been set on fire by the boy who touched me and almost threw me off a ledge; I have almost drowned – twice – and this is what I can't cope with? This is the fear I have no solutions for – a boy I like, who wants to … have sex with me?
Simulation Tobias kisses my neck.
I try to think. I have to face the fear. I have to take control of the situation and find a way to make it less frightening.
I look Simulation Tobias in the eye and say sternly, "I am not going to sleep with you in a hallucination. Okay?"
Then I grab him by his shoulder and turn us around, pushing him against the bedpost. I feel something other than fear – a prickle in my stomach, a bubble of laughter. I press against him and kiss him, my hands wrapping around his arms. He feels strong. He feels … good.
And he's gone.
I laugh into my hands until my face gets hot. I must be the only initiate with this fear.
A trigger clicks in my ear.
I almost forgot about this one. I feel the heft of a gun in my hand and curl my fingers around it, slipping my index finger over the trigger. A spotlight shines from the ceiling, its source unknown, and standing in the center of its circle of light are my mother, my father, and my brother. I hate this so much. It's not a simulation, it's a fucking memory that haunts me.
"Do it." A familiar voice hisses next to me. It is female, but harsh, like it's cluttered with rocks and broken glass. Jeanine. I wish I could go back to that day and shoot her instead. I was such a fucking idiot.
The barrel of my gun presses to my temple, a cold circle against my skin. The cold travels across my body, making the hair on my back of my neck stand on end. I wipe my sweaty palm and look at the woman through the corner of my eye. I see her ugly ass. Her glasses are askew, and her eyes are empty of feeling.
My worst fear: that my family will die, and that I will be responsible.
"Do it." She says again, more forcefully this time. "Do it or I'll kill you."
I stare at Caleb. He nods, his eyebrows tugged in, sympathetic. "Go ahead, Tris." He says softly. "I understand. It's okay." Fucking bastard acting innocent now. He didn't have a hand laid on him. I can't kill him, though. He's my family.
It's testing me. To see if I can betray my family like him, even in the worst of time. I can't. I can't do it. I'm not like him. I can't hurt anymore people. "But you already have." My conscious chants.
My eyes burn. "No." I say, my throat so tight it aches. I shake my head.
"I'll give you ten seconds!" She shouts. "Ten! Nine!"
My eyes skip from my brother to my father. The last time I saw him, his eyes were wide and soft, like now. The only time I've ever seen him with that expression.
"Tris. You have no other option." He says.
"Tris." My mom says. She smiles. She has the sweetest smile. "We love you."
This fucking memory!
"Seven!"
"Shut up!" I shout, holding the gun up. I can do it. No, you can't. I can shoot them. No, you can't. They understand. They're asking me to. They wouldn't want me to sacrifice myself for them. You can say all of this after you did this in real life? They aren't even real. This is all a simulation. But it's not.
"Six!"
It isn't real. It doesn't mean anything. That's fucked up, Tris. My brother's kind eyes feel like two drills boring a hole in my head. My sweat makes the gun slippery.
"Five!"
I have no other option. I close my eyes. Think. I have to think. No, you don't. You already know what you would've done different. The urgency making my heart race depends on one thing, and one thing only: the threat to my life.
"Four! Three!"
What did Tobias tell me? Selflessness and bravery aren't that different.
"Two!"
I release the trigger of my gun and drop it. Before I can lose my nerve, I turn and press my forehead to the barrel of the gun behind me.
Shoot me instead.
"One!"
I hear a click, and a bang.
The lights come on. I stand alone in the empty room with the concrete walls, shaking. I sink to my knees, wrapping my arms around my chest. It wasn't cold when I walked in, but it feel cold now. I rub my arms to get rid of the goose bumps.
I have never felt relief like this before. Every muscle in my body relaxes at once and I breathe freely again. I can't imagine going through my fear landscape in my spare time, like Tobias does. It seemed like bravery to me before, but now it seems more like masochism.
The door opens, and I stand. Max, Eric, Tobias, and a few people I don't know walk into the room in a line, standing in a small crowd in front of me. Tobias smiles at me.
"Congratulations, Tris. You have successfully completed your final evaluation." Eric says. I love how at these times he can seem like he's not evil.
I try to smile. It doesn't work. I can't shake the memory of the gun against my head. Or the memory itself. I can still feel the barrel between my eyebrows.
"Thanks." I say.
"There is one more thing before you can go and get ready for the welcoming banquet" He says. He beckons to one of the unfamiliar people behind him. A woman with blue hair hands him a small black case. He opens it and takes out a syringe and a long needle.
I tense up at the sight of it. I thought we were done with getting shots in us. The orange – brown liquid reminds me of what they inject us with before simulations. Why would we need a shot now if we passed?
"At least you aren't afraid of needles. This will inject you with a tracking device that will be activated only if you are reported missing. Just a precaution." He says.
"How often do people go missing?" I ask, frowning.
"Not often." Eric smirks. "This is a new development, courtesy of the Erudite. We have been injecting every Dauntless throughout the day, and I assume all other gangs will comply as soon as possible."
My stomach twists. Something about this is all wrong. Why would they need tracking devices if not many go missing? It seems like everything spewing out of his mouth are lies. Why would other gangs comply? Not all take well with Erudite. I can't refuse. He will doubt my loyalty again and he may be able to … do stuff.
"All right." I say, my throat tight.
Eric approaches me with the needle and syringe in hand. I pull my hair away from my neck and tilt my head to the side. I look away as Eric wipes my neck with an antiseptic wipe and eases the needle into my neck, painful but brief. He puts the needle back in its case and sticks an adhesive bandage on the injection site.
"The banquet is in two hours. Your ranking among the other initiates, Dauntless – born included, will be announced then. Good luck." He says.
The small crowd files out of the room, but Tobias lingers. He pauses by the door and beckons for me to follow him. So I do. The glass room above the Pit is full of Dauntless, some of them walking the ropes above our heads, some talking and laughing in groups. He smiles at me. He must not have been watching.
"I heard a rumor that you only had seven obstacles to face. Practically unheard of." He says.
"You … you weren't watching the simulation?"
"Only on the screens. The Dauntless leaders are the only ones who see the whole thing. They seem impressed." He says.
"Well, seven fears isn't as impressive as four, but it will suffice." I say.
"I would be surprised if you weren't ranked first." He says.
We walk into the glass room. The crowd is still there, but it is thinner now that the last person – me – has gone.
People notice me after a few seconds. I stay close to Tobias's side as they point, but can't walk fast enough to avoid some cheers, some claps on the shoulder, some congratulations. As I look at the people around me, I realize how strange they would look to my family, and how normal they seem to me, despite all the metal rings in their faces and the tattoos on their arms and throats and chests. I smile back at them.
We descend the steps into the Pit and I say, "I have a question." I bite my lip. "How much did they tell you about my fear landscape?"
"Nothing really. Why?" he asks.
"No reason." I kick a pebble to the side of the path.
"Do you have to go back to the dormitory? Because if you want peace and quiet, you can stay with me until the banquet." He says.
My stomach twists.
"What is it?" He asks.
I don't want to go back to the dormitory, and I don't want to be afraid of him.
"Let's go." I say.
(Tobias POV)
I close the door behind us and slip off my shoes.
"Want some water?" I ask. She seems tense now all of a sudden.
"No thanks." She holds her hands in front of her.
"You okay?" I ask, touching her cheek. My hands cradles the side of her head, my fingers slip through her hair. I smile and hold her head in place as I kiss her. Heat spreads through me slowly. She seems a bit tense and I don't know why.
My lips still on hers, I push the jacket from her shoulders. She flinches when it drops, and she pushes me away. I look at her to see tears in her eyes. She's confusing me. She presses her palms to her face, covering her eyes.
"What? What's wrong?"
She shakes her head.
"Don't tell me it's nothing." My voice is cold. I grab her arm. "Hey. Look at me."
She takes her hands from her face and lifts her eyes to mine. It's like she doesn't know what to say. I'm hurt and angered at the same time, but I'm trying to keep it together.
"Sometimes I wonder," She says, calmly. "what's in it for you. This … whatever it is."
"What's in it for me." I repeat. I step back, shaking my head. You. "You're an idiot, Tris."
"I am not an idiot. Which is why I know that it's a little weird that, of all the girls you could have chosen, you chose me. So if you're just looking for … um, you know … that …" She says.
"What? Sex?" I scowl at her. "You know, if that was all I wanted, you probably wouldn't be the first person I would go to."
She presses her hands to her abdomen, and looks away. I can see tears brimming her eyes. She blinks a few times, lowers her hands, and stares up at me. Good job, Tobias. You have such a way with words.
"I'm going to leave now." She says quietly. She turns toward the door.
"No, Tris." I grab her wrist and wrench her back. She pushes me away, hard, but I grab her other wrist, holding our crossed arms between us.
"I'm sorry I said that. What I meant was that you aren't like that. Which I knew when I met you." I say.
"You were an obstacle in my fear landscape." Her lower lip wobbles. "Did you know that?"
"What?" I release her wrists. I feel like I just got punched in the chest. She's afraid of me? Am I just like my father? "You're afraid of me?"
"Not you." She says. She bits her lip. "Being with you … with anyone. I've never been involved with someone before, and … you're older, and I don't know what your expectations are, and …"
"Tris" I say sternly. "I don't know what delusion you're operating under, but this is all new to me, too. I mean, not the … sex part … but, I've never been in a relationship."
"Oh. I just assumed …" She says. "Um. You know."
"Well, you assumed wrong." I look away. I can feel my cheeks heat up. Why is she causing me to be like this? All of a sudden, she has brave, fearless, Four looking like something smaller. "You can tell me anything, you know?" I take her face in my hands. "I am kinder than I seemed in training. I promise." I say.
I kiss her between the eyebrows, and on the tip of her nose, and then carefully fit my mouth to hers. I don't know how I can constantly have electricity shoot through my body everytime we kiss.
My hands shift to her shoulder, and I feel my fingers brush over the edge of a bandage. I pull back with a puckered brow.
"Are you hurt?" I ask.
"No. It's another tattoo. It's healed. I just … wanted to keep it covered up."
"Can I see?"
She nods. She pulls her sleeve down and her shoulder slips out of it. I stare at her shoulder for a second, and then run my fingers over it. I peel the corner of the bandage away. My eyes roam over the Abnegation sign, and I smile. She must respect selflessness.
"I have the same one." I say, laughing. "On my back."
"Really? Can I see it?"
I press the bandage over the tattoo and pull her shirt back over her shoulder.
"Are you asking me to undress, Tris?"
A nervous laugh gurgles from her throat. "Only … partially."
I nod, my smile suddenly fades. I lift my eyes to hers and unzip my sweatshirt. It slides from my shoulders, and I toss it onto the desk chair. She goes totally silent and just stares at me.
I pull my eyebrows to the center of my forehead, and grab the hem of my T-shirt. In one swift motion, I pull it over my head.
I look as she takes in my whole body. I avert my eyes. This is kind of uncomfortable. Other girls weren't allowed to see me. Or touch me. I always wore a shirt and I would snap if they touched my back. It's like it burned, but Tris's touch makes me feel calm.
"What is it?" She asks, frowning.
"I don't invite many people to look at me. Any people, actually." I say. Even in the ring, I wear a shirt.
She walks slowly around me. She traces the tattoos softly and then lets out a small gasp. She saw the scars. "Can I … " I just nod. I close my eyes tight, waiting for a horrible feeling. She gently places her fingers on my scars and traces them. I let out a sigh. It's like she's healing me. All of a sudden, there is no touch on my back. I thought she felt repulsed when all of a sudden, her arms wrap around me from behind, and she lays gently kisses on each scar.
I decide to break up the silence. "I don't want to be one thing. I want to be brave, and selfless, and smart, and kind, and honest." I clear my throat. "I continually struggle with kindness."
"No one's perfect." She whispers. "It doesn't work that way. One bad things goes away, and another bad thing replaces it."
I turn toward her.
"Is this scaring you, Tris?"
"No." She croaks. She clears her throat. "Not really. I'm only … afraid of what I want."
"What do you want? Me?"
Slowly she nods.
I nod too, and take her hands in mine gently. I guide her palms to my stomach. My eyes are lowered. I push her hands up, over my abdomen, and over my chest, and hold them against my neck. I look back up and her face is red. Blushing.
"Someday, if you still want me, we can …" I pause and clear my throat. "We can…"
She smiles a little and wraps her arms around me before I finish, pressing the side of her face to my chest. My heartbeat is fast.
"Are you afraid of me, too, Tobias?"
"Terrified." I reply with a smile.
She turns her head and kisses the hollow beneath my throat.
"Maybe you won't be in my fear landscape anymore." She murmurs.
I bend my head and kiss her slowly.
"Then everyone can call you Six."
"I'm already called Six." She says with a grin.
I grin and slap her butt softly which causes her to giggle. We kiss again, and this time, it feels familiar. I know exactly how we fit together, my arm around her waist, her hands on my chest, the pressure of my lips on hers. We have each other memorized.
(Tris POV)
I watch Tobias's face carefully as we walk to the dining hall, searching for any sign of disappointment. We spent the two hours lying on his bed, talking and kissing and eventually dozing until we heard shouts in the hallway – people in their way to the banquet.
If anything, he seems lighter now than her was before. He smiles more, anyway.
When we reach the entrance, we separate. I go in first, and run to the table I share with Will and Christina. He enters second, a minute later, and sits next to Zeke who hands him a bottle of beer. He waves it away.
"Where did you go? Everyone else went back to the dormitory." Christina says.
"I just wandered around. I was too nervous to talk to everyone else about it." I say.
"You have no reason to be nervous." She says, shaking her head. "I turned around to talk to Will for one second, and you were already done."
I detect a note of jealousy in her voice, and again, I wish I could explain that I was well prepared for the simulation, because of what I am. Instead I just shrug.
"What job are you going to pick?" I ask her.
"I'm thinking I might want a job like Four's. Training initiates. Scaring the living daylights out of them. You know, fun stuff. What about you?" She asks.
I was so focused on getting through initiation that I barely thought about it. I could work for Dauntless leaders – but they would kill me if they discover what I am. What else is there?
"I guess … I could be an ambassador to the other gangs. I think coming off the streets and being well – known would be an advantage." I say.
"I was so hoping you would say Dauntless-leader-in-training" Christina sighs. "Because that's what Peter wants. He couldn't shut up about it in the dorm earlier."
"And it's what I want" adds Will. "Hopefully I ranked higher than him … oh, and all the initiates in Lauren's group. Forgot about them." He groans. "Oh God. This is going to be impossible."
"No, it isn't." She says. She reaches for his hand and laces her fingers with his, like it's the most natural thing in the world. Will squeezes her hand.
"Question." Christina says, leaning forward. "The leaders who were watching your fear landscape … they were laughing about something."
"Oh?" I bite my lip hard. "I'm glad my terror amuses them."
"Any idea which obstacle it was?" She asks.
"No."
"You're lying. You always bite the inside of your cheek when you lie. It's your tell." She says.
I stop biting the inside of my cheek.
"Will's is pinching his lips together, if it makes you feel better." She adds.
Will covers his mouth immediately.
"Okay, fine. I was afraid of … intimacy." I say.
"Intimacy." She repeats. "Like … sex?"
I tense up. And force myself to nod. Even if it was just Christina, and no one else was around, I would still want to strangle her right now. I go over a few ways to inflict maximum injury with minimum force in my head. I try to throw flames from my eyes.
Will laughs.
"What was that like? I mean, did someone just … try to do it with you? Who was it?" She asks.
"Oh, you know. Faceless … unidentifiable male. How were your moths?" I ask.
"You promised you would never tell!" She cries, smacking my arm.
"Moths." Will repeats. "You're afraid of moths?"
"Not just a cloud of moths," She says, "like … a swarm of them. Everywhere. All those wings and legs and …" She shudders and shakes her head.
"Terrifying." Will says with mock seriousness. "That's my girl. Tough as cotton balls."
"Oh, shut up."
A microphone squeals somewhere, so loud I clap my hands over my ears. I look across the room at Eric, who stands on one of the tables with the microphone in hand, tapping it with his fingers. After the tapping is done and the crowd of Dauntless is quiet, Eric clears his throat and begins.
"We aren't big on speeches here. Eloquence is for Erudite." He says. The crowd laughs. All except me. "So I'm going to keep this short. It's a new year, and we have a new pack of initiates. And a slightly smaller pack of new members. We offer them our congratulations."
At the word "congratulations" the room erupts, not into applause, but into the pounding of fists on tabletops. The noise vibrate in my chest, and I grin.
"We believe in bravery. We believe in taking action. We believe in freedom from fear and in acquiring the skills to force the bad out of our world so that the good can prosper and thrive. If you also believe in those things, we welcome you."
Even though I know Eric probably doesn't believe in any of those things, I find myself smiling, because I believe in them. No matter how badly the leaders have warped the Dauntless ideals, those ideals can still belong to me.
More pounding of fists, this time accompanied by whoops.
"Tomorrow, in their first act as members, our top ten initiates will choose their professions, in the order of how they are ranked. The rankings, I know, are what everyone is really waiting for. They are determined by a combination of these three scores – the first, from the combat stage of training; the second, from the simulation stage; and the third, from the final examination, the fear landscape. The ranking will appear on the screen behind me." He says.
As soon as the word "me" leaves his mouth, the names appear on the screen, which is almost as large as the wall itself. Next to the number one is my picture, and the name "Tris."
A weight in my chest lifts. I didn't realize it was there until it was gone, and I didn't have to feel it anymore. I smile, and a tingling spreads through me. First. Divergent or not, this gang is where I belong.
I forget about war; I forget about death. Will's arms wrap around me and he gives me a bear hug. I hear cheering and laughing and shouting. Christina points at the screen, her eyes wide and filled with tears.
Tris.
Uriah
Lynn
Marlene
Peter
Peter stays. I suppress a sigh. But then I read the rest of the names.
Will
Christina
I smile, and Christina reaches across the table to hug me. I am too distracted to protest against the affection. She laughs in my ear.
Someone grabs me from behind and shouts in my ear. It's Uriah. I can't turn around, so I reach back and squeeze his shoulder.
"Congratulations!" I shout.
"You beat them!" He shouts back. He releases me, laughing, and runs into a crowd of Lauren's group of initiates.
I crane my neck to look at the screen again. I follow the list down.
Eight, nine, and then are from Lauren's group whose names I barely recognize.
Eleven and twelve are Molly and Drew.
Molly and Drew are cut. Drew, who tried to run away while Peter held me by the throat over the chasm, and Molly, who fed lies about my father, are factionless.
It isn't quite the victory I wanted, but it's victory nonetheless.
Will and Christina kiss, a little too sloppily for my taste. All around me is the pounding of Dauntless fists. Then I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Tobias standing behind me. I get up, beaming.
"You think giving you a hug would give away too much?" He asks.
"You know, I don't really care." I say.
I stand on my tiptoes and press my lips to his.
It is the best moment of my life.
A moment later, Tobias's thumb brushes over the injection site in my neck, and a few things come together at once. I don't know how I didn't figure this out before.
One: Colored serum contains transmitters.
Two: Transmitters connect the mind to a simulation program.
Three: Erudite developed the serum.
Four: I know Eric and Max are working with the Erudite.
I break away from the kiss and stare wide-eyed at Tobias.
"Tris?" He says, confused.
I shake my head. "Not now." I meant to say 'not here'. Not with Will and Christina standing a foot away from me – staring with open mouths, probably because I just kissed Tobias – and the clamor of the Dauntless surrounding us. But he has to know how important it is.
"Later. Okay?" I say.
He nods. I don't even know how I'll explain later. I don't even know how to think straight.
But I do know how Dauntless will get us to fight.