Yeee, another double chapter week cause I'm a dweeb who doesn't look at the word counter in the chapters. Oh well, hopefully nobody minds to get more to read!
This is probably my favorite chapter in BfM, so enjoy :)
It's Not You, It's Me
The inevitable morning arrived with a gift of hangover for Eve. She woke up to the sounds of something fizzing and simmering, as well as plastic clattering against steel. The smell milling around in the air would have been delicious if the idea of food hadn't raised vomit in her throat. Eve dragged her palms over her face, lying on her back.
"Good morning," Nyx said from the kitchen nook.
Eve grumbled in response and pulled the covers over her head.
"You should drink some water," he continued.
She grunted again.
"And put on some clothes."
Eve whimpered at his words like she were slapped on the face. She couldn't decide which was worse: The deadly hangover or the mortifying shame. She wanted to dissolve in to the bed and never see Nyx again. Alcohol was the obvious, cheap explanation for her behavior, but Eve knew that she had only needed an excuse to act the way she had. And with her inhibitions lowered due to the out-of-hand drinking, she had been too easily carried away in Nyx's company. The reasons behind her actions had required little actual encouraging, because when sober, she did everything in her power to keep those dangerous thoughts locked away.
'You really fucked up, girl. Try to run your way out of this,' Eve thought and buried her face in Nyx's pillow.
"Hey, are you okay? Besides the obvious," Nyx asked walking to the bed. He had amusement and concern in his voice.
"Could you just pretend I'm not here and look the other way while I leave?" Eve mumbled indistinctly.
"I made breakfast. Get up, it's almost midday," Nyx said disregarding her and patted the covers on her knees.
When he went back to the kitchen, Eve sat up slowly. Her head was thumping. Or was it her heart? At least she hadn't puked yet. She guttered down from the bed and slouched after Nyx. She tried to pull the shirt hem down to cover her butt. Not that it really mattered after everything that had already happened between them, but at least it made her feel better.
Nyx poured a small pile of fried eggs on a plate and placed it before Eve.
"Eat," he ordered staring at her.
Eve took a deep breath. She took a careful bite and chewed slowly.
"Want some coffee?" Nyx asked, satisfied to see her eat.
Eve swallowed the food. "Is it Ebony?"
"No, it's a Galahdian mix," he answered and reached for a cup from the upper cabinet. He was still in pajama pants, but had covered his chest with a loose tank top. The waistband of his briefs was revealed along with his hip bones from under the top when he reached up.
The sight lifted a light blush on Eve's cheeks.
"Uh, okay I'll try it. I'm not a fan of coffee usually," Eve said and shoveled more food in her mouth.
'Why is he being so nice to me? He should've just kicked me out the second he woke up. I'd have deserved that.' The corners of her mouth dropped. She poked a piece of an egg around her plate.
Nyx placed the cup next to her plate and went on to pour another one. Eve stared at him, miles away.
'This is actually really nice… just being like this. But I feel terrible. I seem to have a knack for catching moral hangovers.' She stirred the coffee with a spoon absent-mindedly. The physical hangover was nothing compared to the mental one.
'What do I say? I'm sorry? I usually never behave like this? I just can't keep my hands off you? Do I even want to? Not really, I guess. Otherwise I would be home right now.' Eve studied Nyx's features as he sipped the hot coffee. His attention was fully on the cup in his hands, but his brows were slightly furrowed. His hair was messy from sleeping and his posture was somewhat relaxed as he leaned at the kitchen counter. Eve's eyes glided over the muscles on his arms, over his cloth-covered chest and down to his bare toes.
'It's ridiculous how damn fine he looks. And he is so gentle and makes me feel safe and… NO! I did not just think that.' Eve jolted and averted her eyes back to the cup.
They sipped the hot drinks quietly for a while, both thinking about what to say. Nyx scratched his neck, eyes darting between Eve and the coffee cup. The silence was getting awkward.
"Thanks for taking care of me last night," Eve finally said. "I should get going, so you can get to doing– whatever it is you do on your day off–"
Nyx shifted uncomfortably. 'What happens if I let her go now? I'll text her later? She'll text me later? Most likely she would just avoid me for the rest of my life.'
"I don't have anything better to do so, uh, you can stay for a while if you want," Nyx cut in, not looking at Eve.
'Is that a blush?' Eve's mouth opened a little in surprise. Her hands were shaking when she took another sip of the coffee.
"I'll go change. Um, thanks for the food." Eve stood up and locked herself in the bathroom with her own clothes.
Nyx glanced after her and tried not to notice the swaying hips and white panties flickering from under the shirt hem.
'She ruins me. I can't even think straight.' His heart was pounding and he felt breathless. Nyx took the chance to change into casual clothing for the day.
A moment later Eve emerged from the bathroom, smoothing down the wrinkles on her party dress. The sight made Nyx almost choke on his coffee. His repressed imagination was running wild again. His heart stuttered and stomach filled up with fluttering butterflies. Somewhere in the back of his mind Nyx felt regret for not giving in last night.
"Want another cup?" Nyx asked, trying to divert his attention to somewhere else.
"Yeah, sure."
He filled and handed Eve's coffee cup back to her.
"Here you go."
It didn't help the tension, when their fingers touched.
"Thanks."
Eve hovered in front of Nyx, unsure of what to do or where to look. Sipping the coffee was a saving secondary function, but it was quickly exhausted.
"You have something on your– here, let me," Eve reached to brush Nyx's cheek with her thumb. He froze for a moment, "there–", she was going to pull back but he pressed her hand back with his.
"Don't leave. Please." His voice was dry and the piercing blue eyes gazed at Eve intently. Her cheeks flushed instantly and her head became dizzy. The stubble beneath her fingers felt rough. She wanted to caress Nyx's cheek, feel his hair and the quickened pulse beneath the skin of his neck.
"Why?" Eve whispered. Nyx was so near her and she wanted nothing more than to close the small distance between them. She could barely breathe.
"I have a feeling that I won't see you again like this if you go," Nyx husked quietly, as if he was struggling hard to shape the words.
Eve swallowed and let her hand drop. Nyx didn't stop her.
"Can I just…" Eve murmured and hesitated a second before tumbling against his chest. She pressed her cheek against his shoulder and breathed deeply, inhaling his heady scent. The coffee cups in their hands spilled a little on the floor from the sway, but neither of them cared. The cups had been almost empty by then anyways.
"Nyx, I messed up last night," Eve said, quietly apologizing. Nyx laid his hand on her back and placed his chin over her head, breathing in the sweet scent.
"No you didn't. I said no because I didn't want to mess up with you anymore than I already have," he uttered softly.
They stood like that for a while. Eve's insides were still twisting in shame and she felt like she was taking an advantage of Nyx.
He started to slightly part from her with the half-intent of finally giving in and placing his lips over hers. His hand moved from her back to her hips and his eyes were searching for the contact.
'How does she make me feel like this? I need her. I need this feeling.'
Eve's skin was tingling from Nyx's breath. She raised her head to meet his gaze. He was so close; it was more inebriating than any alcohol could ever be. His touch was so tender it made her want to moan out loud. His lips were ready to seize hers and his body wanted nothing more than to gently escort her to heavenly bliss.
From somewhere in Eve's mind, one strong thought came clear.
'If I choose this, I will lose everything I have worked for.'
She inhaled sharply, waking up from the spur of the moment. She pulled back from the warmth of Nyx and cast her eyes on the floor.
'Why does this keep happening to me? First him, and now Nyx…'
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Eve repeated incoherently and stepped further back.
Nyx's hand dropped to his side in disappointment. That dreadful feeling of rejection was not something he was used to, and it made him utterly confused.
"Why do you keep fighting the way you obviously feel?" he asked. He wanted to stop Eve – make everything stop and make her to clear her thoughts. Eve wasn't making any sense to Nyx and she knew it as well as he did. 'Is she afraid of me? That I might do something to her? I could never hurt her.'
"There are more important things than my feelings," Eve said hastily and kept growing the distance between them, just to be safe from his intoxicating influence. 'I am the worst. I can't lead him on like this. I don't want to hurt him.'
"It's best if we just try to stay friends and colleagues," Eve explained.
"I know," Nyx said staring at her intensively, "But I also know that you don't really want to."
"Yeah, well that's my problem then. You don't need to concern yourself–"
"The moment I laid eyes on you, you made it my problem too," Nyx said, his frustration evident. He turned to place the cold coffee on the counter and to catch a breath from looking at Eve, who had fallen silent on his confession.
Nyx's words made a warm flush stir inside Eve, but she determinedly dismissed that feeling. She chose her next words carefully.
"I have struggled my whole life to become what I am now. I am a fighter, a soldier. And one day, I will see the Empire fall or die trying"–she paused to take deep breath–"I cannot be sidetracked. I cannot have this."
'That came out a lot more dramatic than I intended to, but maybe he understood now.'
"But won't leaving it like this leave you feeling more confused?" Nyx asked quietly, his back still turned at Eve.
"I'll get over it." She bit her lower lip and forced her dejection away.
'What if I can't?'
Nyx didn't know what to reply aloud. It was clear that Eve didn't want to have any kind of romantic relationship with him. Or rather, she forced herself not to want it. Nyx could understand why she was so keen on the idea that being together would compromise both of their lives in a very definitive manner. At least one of them would have to retire from the Kingsglaive, or maybe they both would be fired. Neither of them was ready for such a sacrifice.
Nyx finally turned to look at Eve. She stood there, in the middle of his apartment, looking lonelier than he had ever seen anyone.
"Are we that bad at keeping a secret?" he asked, trying to cheer her up with a tease.
Eve puffed through her nose and a small smile formed on her lips.
"I wouldn't place a bet on us," she said making Nyx smile too. She relaxed and sat on the couch arm.
"You know, you're making me regret even more I didn't comply to your request last night," Nyx said. The atmosphere in the room was an uncanny one. They both wanted to pounce and tear each other's clothes off, and at the same time they wished to be left alone to writhe in their pain.
"I'm sorry about that. I'm bad with alcohol," Eve uttered.
"I don't mind," Nyx's smile widened into a grin, making Eve blush.
"I should go now," she said deciding the conversation was taking a dangerous turn again. She placed the cup on the coffee table and got ready to leave.
"I'll walk you home," Nyx offered.
Eve bit her lip. "I'd like that, but I have to take this walk of shame alone," she opened the front door and turned once more to look at him, "Thanks, again. Bye."
"Yeah, bye."