A/N: Hi everyone! I hope you enjoy chapter ten. I wanted to Prim to be a little bit more like herself, but still stay true to the fact that she won the Hunger Games. I hope I did a good job. Enjoy the chapter and remember to review!
Chapter Ten
Calm down, calm down, calm down. My feet scrape against the train's wooden floor as I frantically wipe my sweaty hands on my skirt. My heart pounds in my chest a little faster with every second that goes by. I pace back and forth watching the blurry scenery fly by at an unnatural speed.
Haymitch enters the room and barks out a laugh when he sees me.
"You look like you got hit by a train. I thought you would be happy. You should be happy. I remember… I remember that when I got home everyone was happy to see me. But then my family was killed and… and this is a bad example isn't it?" He says clearly drunk.
Now that I won the games his promise to stay sober is no longer in effect. Practically every time I see him he has a bottle in his hand. He seems to notice he doesn't have one because he points at me accusingly.
"You. What did you do with my liquor? I want it back. "You know what never mind. I'll go get a new bottle. The other one was half empty anyway."
With that he turns around and saunters off, in search of a new bottle. Alone again I continue my pacing.
Now that I've left the Capital I feel scared and nervous. All the bravado is gone. I left the strong, fearless, victor in the arena to rot.
Now with every millimeter this train moves I become more and more like myself. The mutual need to survive is gone as if I threw it right out the window. I decide to busy myself in becoming the old Prim. I don't want to be the heartless killer; I want to be the healer.
I braid my hair, one on each side, like the reaping day and find something in the huge wardrobe that resembles something I might wear at home. I take a shower as if to clean myself of the blood that will always stain my hands. Lastly I stand in front of the mirror for at least an hour trying to find my old features. I change the scowl into the small grin I usually have, I make sure my eyes aren't narrowed, and slowly I begin to look like myself again. I'm finally satisfied when I hear a sharp rap against the door.
"Prim! We're home!" Haymitch calls.
I thought he was drunk.
Instead of walking I skip to the door and excitedly pull it open.
Suddenly I feel nervous again. What if they all hate me now? I killed people. They'll probably never accept me. I decide that the old Prim wouldn't care what other people thought of her. I push my fear aside and run to the window.
The coal dusted buildings begin to emerge around us and I can hear the crowd cheering. The train comes to a gentle stop right in front of the cheering crowd.
"Let's go!" Haymitch says pushing me out the door.
I stand on the platform, shocked that so many people care. The mayor steps up to shake my hand, and before I know Katniss is running up to me. Before she can move I throw my arms around her.
"I'm so sorry." I say.
She looks at me confused.
"Why are you sorry? I'm the one that should be sorry. You had to experience the games because I didn't volunteer."
I shake my head.
"I killed people." I tell her.
She looks down at me fondly.
"You had to. But now you're home. I will never let them hurt you again."
I look up into her familiar seam eyes and know she's telling the truth.
My mother pulls me into a tight hug and it seems she'll never let me go. Gale and his family come next. Gale picks me up and spins me around before pulling me into a hug. After he sets me down Rory comes and hugs me for what seems like hours. He kisses me on the cheek and I'm momentarily surprised.
Gale and Katniss start laughing and I look down to see Posy tugging on my skirt. I bend down and hug her. Hazelle comes and hugs me as well as Vick.
I'm congratulated by many people as we walk to the mayor's house for dinner.
I sit in between Katniss and Rory.
Mayor Undersee gives along speech about the first victor in twenty-four years. He talks about the food and money we will get. He talks about my youth, and he talks about how honored our district is.
Finally the food is served. It's delicious and has an amazing affect on the otherwise dreary atmosphere. You can always count on my family to turn a formal event into a complete mess. Loud chatter is passed back and forth across the long dining table, food somehow flies across room. Everyone is laughing even the mayor.
By the time dinner is over everyone is in good spirits. After dinner we all walk back to my new house in victor's village.
Mother lights a fire, and we all sit around it playing with dice. They way we talk and laugh; it's as if the Hunger Games never happened. When I walk to the kitchen to get some water I gear a tense conversation between Hazelle and my mother.
"She seems to be doing fine. I was extremely worried Hazelle."
"I know, we all were. To win the games at such a young age… she must be shaken up."
"I was so afraid for her. She's a fighter but the odds were so against her."
"Don't worry. Just be thankful that Prim has managed to stay herself."
"Watching her kill in the games… I was afraid my sweet little Prim would never come back to me. She could've turned into a killing machine like the careers."
"I know but she didn't. She killed to survive, something we all would've done, and I respect her for that."
"Me too. I'm just so happy she's home."
After a long pause I open the door and walk into the kitchen.
I can't let them know I was eavesdropping. That's something arena Prim would have done. Old Prim would have respected their privacy.
"Hi mom. Hi Hazelle. What's going on?"
They seem relieved that when I casually walk over to the fridge. Out of the corner of my eye I see mother nod to Hazelle.
"Well, we really should be going now. Don't want the kids to be up to late." Hazelle says.
She turns and looks at me.
"Congratulations Prim, we are so glad to have you home."
"It's good to be home." I say.
I reach out to hug her. My mother follows her out of the kitchen and back into the living room.
Posy and Vick are already asleep, while Gale Katniss and Rory silently converse. Rory takes Posy in his arms, while Hazelle carries Vick. We silently bid them goodbye.
Gale is going to stay for a little bit longer though.
"Are you sure I can stay?" He asks my mother.
She nods and smiles warmly at him. I watch them as they walk out of the victor's village. Things have definitely changed.
"Well, it has been a long day. I'm going to head to bed early. Don't stay up to late." Mother tells us.
"Okay. Goodnight mother." I say.
She bends down to kiss my cheek before shuffling out of the room. Katniss pats the spot next to me and I sit down.
"Prim, if you don't want to ask answer the questions you don't have to." She begins.
I know what she's going to ask me. She's going to ask me about the games. I need someone to talk about them with. I can't just keep the feelings to myself. If I'm going to tell my experience to anyone I would want it to be Katniss and Gale. They mean so much to me, and I'm sure they'll understand.
"I'll tell you." I say.
They look surprised, but lean in towards me anyway.
"Prim will you tell us what it was like to kill a person?" Katniss asks softly.
This question makes me want to cry. I need to stay strong, and prove to them I'm not weak.
"I didn't really understand what was going on in the moment. I was fighting for my life in a different kind of way. We fought for food, but when you're being constantly hunted down… the lengths you go to in order to survive are terrible. People were backstabbing and betraying each other. I didn't want to make allies because I was afraid it might end with a knife in my back."
Katniss shakes her head and pulls me close.
"I… can't… believe… I… let… you… feel… that… way." Katniss says.
Now I'm comforting her. Tears stream down her face. She must feel guilty about letting me go into the games.
"Shhh, it's okay. I'm fine, and I'm home."
Katniss nods and I continue.
"When I allied with Rue I decided it was safe to trust her. She was in the same situation as I was. I remember forming our plan, to blow up the food. It worked. When I was caught in the net I thought it was the end."
Gale and Katniss both look shocked.
"I'm sorry this is all news to us. We spent most of your games in the woods. We couldn't watch. Not until the final four at least." Gale says speaking for both of them.
"I understand. I would've done the same thing." I tell them.
Katniss has buried her head in hands and Gale has his arm protectively around her.
"I tried not to panic while I cut myself free, but it was impossible. I knew the careers would arrive soon. So I called Rue's name. It put both of us in danger but it was the only thing I could do."
I can remember everything clearly. I knew I was going to die.
The feeling of relief when Rue burst into the clearing first, the scratchy rope as I frantically tried to cut the myself free, the cold metal bow pressed firmly in my hands, the screech as I slowly pulled the bow string back, and worst of all the sickening thump of impact as the arrow hit Marvel.
The memory dances before my eyes pulling me back into the arena. I try to fight it, to remain here safe with my family. Some venture into the arena and live, but they never mentally come out. The victors that resort to morphling are just some of the examples. Fear has a strong grip, and doesn't easily let go. I shake my head to clear my thoughts and continue.
"When she arrived and cut me free I thought we were safe. Then Marvel came ready to kill us. Rue told me to try and shoot him. I didn't think I could. I don't have very much experience with archery. With both of our lives in my hands I guess something came over me. So when I let go… it killed him. It was accidental really. I just wanted to stall him, so we could get away. I was shocked. I cried for a long time. We even covered him with flowers. I still see him."
They both look puzzled because Katniss speaks up.
"What do you mean you see him?"
I sigh.
"I see him every night in my dreams. That's the problem. Once you kill someone they don't leave you. They haunt you forever."
They both look somewhat moved and stunned by my words.
I stand up and stretch, yawning.
"Goodnight." I say before I slowly make my way to the stairs.
My feet drag on the way up. Once I'm in my room, I hear the television downstairs turn on. It feels amazing to be back in my own bed.
I hear a soft padding and a thump on the bed. It's buttercup. He walks over to me and I pull him close. His fur is soft and warm.
"I missed you." I whisper before drifting to sleep.
When I wake up I can hear noise downstairs. I sit up and rub my eyes. It's three in the morning. I groan and climb out of bed.
Buttercup meows so I scoop him up. The floor is cold against my feet and I wrap a fluffy blanket around us. I shuffle downstairs into the living room.
The TV is still on. I see myself on screen running from the mutts. Gale and Katniss are lying on the floor next to each other sound asleep. I smile and take the blanket off my shoulders. They both stir when I cover them but they don't wake up. I switch the television off and am about to go up the stairs when I hear Katniss.
"Prim… Prim… mutts…Clove…Cato…Rue… arrows…Gale…Gale…Gale." She says.
She must be talking in her sleep. I wait for a moment but she's done talking. I turn and run up the stairs.
They must have been watching my games. I guess they were curious.
I slip into the warm bed smiling. This is what it is like to be happy.