an: thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews. They are such a joy to read!

still rated M

Chapter ten

Andy hadn't been able to leave the hospital. He had to make sure, Sharon made it through the night. Hours he'd spend in the chairs in the hallway closest to the ICU. The nurses hadn't dared to approach him. He could only imagine what he looked like. Sharon's blood was still on his arms, his shirt drenched by that crimson red. His head had throbbed, but he wasn't sure whether it was caused by a hangover, the way his head made impact with the pavement, or not sleeping.

Eventually he had walked to her room again. Sharon had still looked incredibly pale. Her mother was asleep in the chair next to her bed. Her father hadn't been there and that put him a bit at ease. If there had been any immediate danger to her life, he would have been there. He could only assume she was stabilized for the moment. He had wanted to get into her room, just hold her hand for a while, but he didn't want to intrude.

So he had gone home, got out of the clothes that were drenched with her blood. Took a cold shower to will the headache away. His eyes closed while her blood washed away, disappearing into the drain. The water had managed to clear his head, while the events of the last night passed through his mind like a movie. Sharon being angry with him, willing him to talk, solve his problems, her hesitance to get out of the car. Her screaming his name. When he had felt her blood on his fingers. The image of holding her bleeding body in his arms, would be forever burned in his mind. The fear of losing her overwhelming.

Walking into his living room, seeing all the beer bottles, had made him face this harsh reality. Sharon could die because of his drinking. He knew that he'd been more alert if he hadn't been drinking that day. Throwing all the bottles and alcohol away had been the first step to keeping his promise to Sharon. He wasn't going to drink again. He had only realized that he had a problem, when he had been longing for a drink the entire time, while Sharon had been in surgery. He longed for the alcohol to numb him. Sharon had practically begged him to talk to her. He wished he could now. If only he could talk to her about what happened. He had to talk about it. That's why he found out where the next AA meeting was.

Andy wasn't sure what he'd do at this meeting, but it somehow felt like Sharon was right beside him, cheering him on. All he could think of was wanting to keep his promise to her. His drinking had risked her life. He still didn't know whether she was going to make it. He had never thought that his drinking would do harm. He just liked the way it numbed him. He'd never believed he'd bring someone in danger. He'd been in such denial. He was just drinking a couple of beers, that didn't make him a drunk. He could still do his job as good as anyone else. How stupid had he been? He'd been less focused, uncoordinated, slower in response. If he hadn't been he would have seen the bullet coming, he would have gotten out of the way himself. He should have been the one protecting her.

He still couldn't quite believe she had put herself between the bullet and him. The way she had reasoned with him. If he'd been shot they would have found out he'd had too much alcohol to drink. Even in the hospital she'd been determined to keep him out of trouble. She had held on that long. She would just have to hold on a little longer. She had to be okay, he would never forgive himself if she wouldn't. He wasn't even sure he'd ever forgive himself for it happening at all. Seeing her lying in that bed, the machines surrounding her, it was an image that haunted him. Maybe if she would get out of this okay, he might someday be able to live with it, but he was sure he'd never be able to forget he'd risked her life like that. Knowingly risked her life, because he'd been too arrogant and stubborn.

"Is there someone new here tonight, who wishes to share?"

This was hard, getting up there would be admitting out loud that he had a problem. Wasn't that the point though? How could he deal with it if he wouldn't admit it? Fact was he had a problem and Sharon was paying the prize for it. Even if she would get through this alive, there could be all kinds of complications. Drinking would not only destroy him, it would destroy everyone he loved. So he raised from his chair and walked up front.

"Hi… uhm I'm kinda new to this. Didn't believe I had a problem. I was just drinking a couple of beers and people should get off my back for it. Things were hard, I wanted to forget, not knowing how to deal with the pain.

My uh… my friend, she started to notice something was wrong, tried to get me to talk about it, but I couldn't. I guess I felt too ashamed. One day I got home and my wife had just left, taking our kids with her. I wasn't a drinker then, I was a workaholic, I wasn't home much.

We married for all the wrong reasons. We threw two kids in the mix, believing it would help us get closer, believing it would make us a family. That was a mistake I made. I do care about my wife, she'll always be the mother of my children and I love my kids so much.

Now they have moved and she won't even let me talk to my children. I tried to numb the pain with alcohol.. and I've got to tell you that worked just fine for me. I didn't want to listen to my friend telling me it would only get worse if I would continue drinking and I asked myself, how can things get any worse than they already are? I was wrong…"

Andy was fighting the tears.

"My friend.. I care so much about her. I love her.. She got hurt because of me. She wanted to help me even though I've been a complete ass to her in the past, I've been stubborn and I've been stupid.. she saved my life and now she's in the hospital. I don't even know whether she'll make it and even if she does make it, there could be all kinds of complications. While she was in surgery all I could think of was how a beer would help me calm down, how it would help me deal with things... The only thing that stopped me was that alcohol was what put her life in danger in the first place. I got my answer to how things could get worse... I can lose someone I love very much."

A tear trailed down his cheek.

"I promised her I will never drink again, and that's why I'm here. I'm going to keep that promise."

Andy swallowed. They applauded him. He wasn't sure whether he deserved it. At least this was a step into the right direction.

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Jack had been so angry the evening before. The thought that she had willingly risked her life for Flynn almost drove him insane. How could she do that? Why in God's name would she do that? Hadn't she been thinking about them at all? Hadn't she been thinking about what it would do to him? She knew he worried about her every day. Scared to death that something would happen to her, while she was on duty. She knew that and still she put herself in the line of that bullet. He could not believe Sharon could be so stupid, so careless.

He walked into her room, but nothing would have been able to prepare him for what he saw. She got through the surgery alright, she'd be fine. He had expected her awake, recovering from the surgery, maybe a bit drowsy from the pain medication. So he now stood frozen in the doorway, looking at her pale body, connected to beeping machines, tubes going inside of her. She was unconscious,a tube in her mouth. The swooshing of the pump next to her bed louder than the beeps that indicated her heart beat.

Diane stood with her back to the bed, her arms wrapped around her chest, while she stared out of the window. She was still wearing the same clothes, her coat draped over the chair, that her purse sat on. Strands of hair had come loose from her chignon. She seemed so far away in her thoughts.

Jack walked in slowly. He seemed like in shock as he walked closer to the bed Sharon was in. The left side of her neck was covered by a big white bandage. A tube was attached to her left arm, it colored red. Blood seemed to flow into her body, but she still looked deadly pale. Her hair fanned out on the pillow. A tight feeling filled his chest. For some reason he had assumed she would be okay. She didn't look okay though. She looked like she was bearably hanging onto life. Like these machines were what was keeping her heart beating, her lungs filling with air, was keeping her here.

All of a sudden he felt dizzy. Unable to keep his eyes of her though. His hand slowly moved to hers. Her skin felt cold, her hand slack in his, lifeless, like the rest of her body. His free hand searched for a chair, pulling it near, as he could feel his legs couldn't keep up the weight anymore.

Diane turned around, as she heard the chair move. Jack's face was pale, the shock clearly visible. She hadn't slept much, unable to leave Sharon's room. She must have fallen asleep early in the morning, to wake up with a jolt maybe half an hour later, when the beeping of the machine had changed. Every change no matter how small made her heart cringe. Each time she waited to hear the next beat, it seemed to take forever. Mark had tried to get her to sleep for a few hours, in a bed, but she couldn't leave Sharon. Eventually he'd given up. Probably went to his office to get some sleep himself.

At first she had tried to keep herself busy. She had washed the blood from Sharon's face. She couldn't look at it without getting nauseous. The idea that she had lost almost her entire volume in blood, too much. She had pulled the pins from her bun, releasing the locks of hair that hadn't come lose yet. Her fingers gently arranging it over the pillow. She didn't dare to move Sharon's head. Sharon didn't look simply asleep, she still looked like she was on the verge of death. It was too hard to look at. Jack could only stare in shock, he must see the same.

Jack could feel Diane looking at him.

"W…why is she still on those machines? She should be waking up by now, shouldn't she?"

"They want to keep her intubated. She lost a lot of blood. I don't know exactly, you should ask Mark. They don't believe she can breathe on her own yet."

Jack frowned confused.

"The bullet hit her neck, not her lungs."

"It's about the damage to her coronary artery, all the blood she lost. Her body doesn't have the strength to breathe on its own yet."

"And when will that be?"

"I don't know.. Mark told me we can only wait and see."

"Wait and see?"

Jack looked horrified.

"Wait and see? She looks like she's one step away from death."

His voice was elevated, emotional, scared.

"Don't."

"She looks like she's going to die, Diane."

"Keep your voice down."

She looked stern.

"I don't want her to hear you talking like that."

Jack frowned at Diane's denial.

"I don't think she can hear us."

How could she hear them? She looked like she wasn't even there. Her body was, and those machines keeping her breathing, her heart beating. He had looked at her many times, asleep next to him. She did not look like she was simply sleeping.

"As long as we don't know that I don't want you saying those things."

Mark walked into the room ,a deep frown between his eyebrows. He only got a few hours of sleep last night. He had tried to persuade Diane to get some sleep as well, but she wouldn't leave Sharon's bedside. He studied her body language, her fists were clenched at her side.

"What's going on here?"

He walked to his wife, placing his hand gently on her back. He could feel how tense she was. As Diane turned away frustrated, he knew he wasn't going to get any answers from her. Mark looked at Jack, who seemed just as frustrated, his face flushed, his jaw clenched.

"Is someone going to answer me?"

"I want to get some answers, but I only get, 'we'll just have to wait and see'.How can we just wait and see while she looks like she's going to die."

Diane whirled back around.

"I told you…"

"She's not simply sleeping Diane! I know what she looks like asleep. She does not look asleep, she looks like her heart could stop any minute now, she's not even breathing by herself!"

Tears sprang in Diane's eyes. She knew she had said it herself as well. Hearing someone else saying the words out loud, was too much though. She couldn't deal with that kind of reality. Mark saw how upset Diane got.

"Alright, that's enough. If you can't control yourself I want you out of here."

"Sharon's my fiancée."

"I don't know of how much she's aware. What I do know is that her body is still trying very hard to recover and she doesn't need stressful situations surrounding her. I know you're engaged, Jack, but she's our daughter. She's not your wife yet. You can stay if you can control yourself, or you can leave."

Jack bit the inside of his lip. How could they be patient? Why weren't they doing anything? He felt like he wanted to yell at them, rattle them. Anything to stop that damn frustration. They were definitely not at the same page. If it were up to him.. but didn't Mark make him perfectly clear that it wasn't up to him. He couldn't stand playing second fiddle. So he turned around and walked out.

Mark rubbed Diane's back.

"He's right…"

"Sweetheart, they did everything they could, now all we really can do is wait, give her body the time it needs to recover."

He put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her back to his chest.

"She's strong, Diane. She has always been. Sharon is a survivor, you know she is."

"She looks so pale, Mark… The thought that she might not be breathing at all, if that machine wouldn't pump any air into her…"

"Ssh.. She got already this far, Diane."

"I don't want to lose her. This is exactly what's always been my greatest fear, that we would lose her."

"I know…"

This time he was out of words to say. There was a possibility they could lose her.

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Andy ran his hand through his hair as he walked up his drive way, he wanted to change before he'd go to the hospital. Somehow he kept breaking out a sweat, maybe because the alcohol left his system. He quirked his eyebrow, as he found Hamilton leaning against his door.

"Where have you been?"

Andy only stared. Apparently IA had been bugging Hamilton and now he was annoyed with him.

"IA has been looking for you all night. Where the hell were you yesterday?"

"I was at the hospital with Sharon."

"They wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah well and I wanted to be sure that Sharon would make it out of surgery alive."

"How is she?"

"She has lost a lot of blood."

"They want to talk to her too."

"That will have to wait. Sharon hasn't regained conscious yet. She's still on a ventilator."

"But she made it through surgery alright."

"She made it through surgery alive."

Andy moved forward to open the door. Hamilton looked around.

"Where are Sandra and the kids?"

"With her parents in New York."

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah.. "

Andy wasn't interested in talking about his problems with Hamilton.

Hamilton wasn't sure what to think about Andy's behavior.

"The case is pulled away from us. They believe the shooting was connected."

"I don't care."

"They would like to talk to you, bring them up to speed on the case."

"Have Zygerski and Cohen do it. I'm taking a leave in absence."

Hamilton frowned. Andy lived for his work, he never took a day off.

"Okay, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"You never take days off."

"So it shouldn't be a problem then."

"It isn't. It's just not anything like you. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. I just want to be able to spend some more time at the hospital."

"With Elliot?"

Andy looked confused.

"Yes of course with Sharon."

Hamilton looked skeptical. He could understand Andy was upset over what happened. He had been a cop for years though. He knew about the risks. It seemed like he couldn't function anymore though. He wondered what that was about?

"Because you feel guilty about what happened? Is that it? You know these things happen. It wasn't your fault."

"She jumped in front of me to take that bullet."

"She wouldn't want you to feel guilty."

"She could die because of me."

"Sitting at her bedside won't keep her alive."

"I just need to be there."

"Her family will be there."

"I know and I won't intrude. I just want to be there, nearby…"

"Okay. Take all the time you need. If there are questions Zygerski and Cohen won't be able to answer…"

"You call me. If the shooting was in some way related to that case, I want to catch the guy who did this."

Hamilton nodded. He had learned a long time ago, that when Andy got something in his head, there would be no way to talk it out of him. There was no doubt in his mind this had a deeper impact on him, than he would ever admit.

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Andy took a deep breath when he entered Sharon's hospital room. He'd been relieved, that no one was in her room. She was still incredibly pale. He tried to shut out the sound of the pump. His hand reached out to stroke her hair. It was spread out over the pillow. He hardly ever saw her with her hair loose. It was so soft. The back of his hand trailed over the side of her face. Her skin cold to the touch. The blood on her face was carefully washed away. Tears welled in his eyes. She looked so vulnerable.

Diane stopped in the doorway, staring at Andy beside the bed. His hand stroke Sharon's cheek, his eyes fixed on her face. She couldn't help think there was an intimacy about it. Jack hadn't even be able to look at her, walked off angry.

"Detective Flynn."

Startled Andy turned around.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't hear you come in. It's okay for me to be here, right? I mean it won't do her harm, will it?"

Diane smiled gently.

"Of course not."

She walked towards the bed. Andy saw the strain on her face. She had changed her clothes, but she missed the elegancy from the evening before. It was replaced by worry.

"Mrs. Elliot, I'm so sorry."

"Detective Flynn…"

"Andy, please."

"Andy, you shouldn't feel guilty. Sharon wouldn't want that. Besides you kept her alive. Without you she would have lost more blood. I don't believe she would be alive now."

"Do they know more, already?"

Andy looked painful at the ventilator.

"They're still worried about the amount of blood she lost."

"When will they take that out?"

He hinted at the ventilator.

"Mark says they're not sure about her being able to breathe on her own. They are worried about her brain activity as well."

"Is she in a coma?"

The worried look in his eyes made her emotional. Diane could only nod. Andy looked over her shoulder back at Sharon. He couldn't help thinking about her never waking up again. That she would be in that bed, until the day she died. Breathing like that. He shook his head to banish the thoughts from his mind.

"She'll wake up."

He hadn't even noticed he'd said it out loud. Finally someone who showed some faith in Sharon. Jack had been everything but positive. Andy sounded so sure.

"Sharon is a survivor, it's always been that way."

Andy smiled.

"She's quite something, isn't she?"

Diane smiled back at him.

"You're quite something too. Sharon has told me she hasn't received a very warm welcome by many men."

"I'm afraid I've been a bit of an ass as well."

"Sharon liked to work with you, Andy. She feels respected."

"I do respect her. She's an amazing person and she's very good at her job."

Andy stared at Sharon, his fingers travelling to her hand.

"And she's a very good friend…"

He thought of her as a friend before the feelings had gone much deeper.

'I love her…'

He couldn't say the words out loud. He knew Sharon loved Raydor, they were engaged and he would always respect that.