I sit on the living room couch with my knees pressed to my chest, not bothering to wipe the tears falling from my cheeks. It's 5 am in the morning, and not to much surprise, I can't sleep. Everything inside me is numb and yet everything manages to hurt. I'm too stunned to sleep. I'm a terrible, terrible person, I think to myself as I force out deep breaths. I wipe my eyes as a horribly loud knock erupts over the front door. My heart leaps into my throat and I sprint for the front, scared the noise will wake the kids.

"Who is it?" I whisper in a panic, my knees threatening to buckle from fear.

"It's Jack," a deep voice mumbles from outside. I peek through the side windows around the door and hurry to open it.

"What are you doing here?" I say nervously, the cool morning air wrapping itself around me. I button up my cardigan.

"I had to see you," he replies as I pull us both onto the porch and shut the door behind me.

"At five in the morning?"

"Yes," he says breathlessly. "Amy, do you realize what we did last night?"

I advert my eyes, and mumble. "We made out."

Jack runs his hand over his face, grunting. "Amy, you're married! To my friend! Who's lying in a hospital bed in a coma across town!"

I throw my hands in the air. "What do you want me to do Jack? You think I don't realize that Ricky is where he is? I don't know what to do! It's like I'm plagued with guilt!"

"Me too," Jack mumbles. "I couldn't sleep."

"Me niether," I say back, sitting down on the closest step. Jack joins me. "So I guess that's it then. This never happened."

He shoots me a baffled expression. "Is that what you want?"

"I don't know what I want Jack. I don't want this to be happening to be honest. I don't want to be having to choose between my husband… and you…"

"You regret kissing me?"

I stare at Jack for a moment before shrugging my shoulders and slightly shaking my head no. It's the truth as much as I wish it weren't.

"What about when I said that I have feelings for you?"

"What about it?"

"Do… do you think you might have feelings for me?" I don't answer him. "Amy!?"

"Maybe," I whisper, hating myself.

"Then please, think this over. You deserve to be happy Amy! Ricky would want you to be happy!"

"But that's just the thing Jack! It's not like Ricky is dead! What if he wakes up?"

"Amy… what if he doesn't?"

I pour Jack and I a cup of coffee each, making sure to ignore the red mug in the cupboard belonging to Ricky, and force the carafe back into the coffee maker. He stares at me with a troubled look on his face as I silently pass him the cylinder of sugar and carton of cream. Stirring a spoon into his drink, he speaks.

"Don't look so disappointed. I'm no Theo James, but I'm not ugly either…"

I shoot him a weirded expression. "First of all, I don't know what it is about this entire universe that thinks I like that guy. Secondly, that's not even why I'm sad."

"I know. I was just joking. We don't need to do this. You know that right?"

"I know we don't. But you're right. I like you, and I deserve to be happy."

"I like you too," Jack grins sheepishly.

My bangs fall in front of my eyes. "Yeah you mentioned that."

Jack slips a banana from the bowl in front of him as the bathroom door on the main level closes shut. "John's up," I say, as the toilet flushes. "You know he's the only one we didn't consider in all of this right? We're going to have to tell him eventually."

"Why don't we tell John now?" Jack says smugly as John enters the kitchen in black shorts and a blue t-shirt with a worn basketball on the front. John hops into the stool beside Jack.

"Tell me what? Wait! Why are you here?" John looks at me for explanation.

"That's kind of what we need to talk to you about sweetie. You know that Jack and I have been seeing each other a lot lately right?"

John nods his head. "Well this morning Jack came over early and we decided that we are going to be a couple, and do things like hold hands and go places together and stuff."

"What about daddy?" John mumbles.

"I'm very lonely without daddy," I respond. "I know that I'm married to him, and I want you to know that being with Jack does not change how I feel about daddy. I love daddy very much. But I want to spend time with Jack, and I like to think that daddy would understand."

"Is Jack my new daddy?"

"No Johnny," Jack replies. "I'm just Jack. Your dad will always be your dad. Okay?"

"Okay. I like Jack, mommy. This is good."

"I'm very happy you feel that way John," I say, moving around the island to kiss him. "Thank you."

"I should get going." Jack says after John finds his way to a muffin and goes to watch TV in the living room. "Walk me to the door?"

I nod and follow Jack to the front. He slips on his sneakers and shrugs on his grey sweater vest. "I was thinking we could have dinner tonight? I'll bring home a pizza?"

"That sounds good," I say, leaning against the door frame. "I'm going to have to stop by my parent's house and apologize to my dad. I didn't say much to him last night. I think I should go to Ricky too, and tell him… you know… about us."

"You do what you feel you need to do to be comfortable with this alright? I'll see you tonight Amy." He pecks me on the lips and leaves the condo. I close the door behind him, oblivious to the grin on my face.

After lunch, I pack up the kids and drive to my parent's house as I don't want them with me when I go to see Ricky. On the ride over, I warn John not to say anything about me and Jack to my family because I want to be the one to tell them. He agrees, and although I trust him, he is only four and a half; he could let something slip. My dad is out shopping with Robbie when we arrive, which means I'll have to speak with him later. I put Maddie down for a nap in my old room and find John some cheese, crackers and a dog movie on TV. I promise him I'll be back before it's over and leave before my mom can condescend me on my behaviour like I know my dad told her she should.

It's a slow drive to the hospital with all the weekend traffic. Having hardly slept, I yawn at wheel repeatedly and put on some music to help me stay awake. The problem with the radio is that you can't control the music, and the first song that I tune to is the one Ricky and I danced to at the reception he surprised me with when Maddie and I first came home from the hospital. I immediately shut off my stereo and drum my fingers against the wheel for the rest of the drive. At a red light, I turn my head to look out my window and catch sight of a couple at a bus stop making out. A flashback floods my memory as the light turns green.

"Oh! Ricky! Ri- stop!" She screamed through her laughter as her husband tickled her collar bone with his lips.

"Why?" He laughed against her neck, biting her earlobe playfully.

"Because we're in public!"

Ricky stopped to stare at her. "We're at a bus stop at eleven-thirty at night. No one's around!" He returned to her neck.

A little intoxicated, Amy burst out into another fit of laughter and scurried out from under his arms, which held her captive against the side of the bus stop that held a poster advertising a local TV station.

"So that doesn't mean we can… umm…"

Ricky laughed. "You alright there?"

Amy closed her eyes and grinned. "I'm fine," she slurred. "I had fun tonight. That was a great concert."

"I'm glad you liked it. I had fun too. I haven' t been to a concert in years. The last one I went to was when I was ten. My foster dad at the time had tickets."

"I went when I was twelve. No thirteen. No twelve. Twelve. Lauren's dad got us tickets. It was some pop star at the time. I think if I was sober, I'd remember."

"I can't believe that bar tender didn't card you."

"He liked me!" Amy singsonged, dancing around Ricky.

"Yeah? Well he can't have you," Ricky sang back. He hated alcohol, but having Amy in such a playful mood was definitely something he enjoyed.

"Why not?"

"Because," Ricky whispered, kissing her nose. "You're." Kiss. "All." Kiss. "Mine." Kiss. She fixed her lips to his, brushing her finger tips through his buzz cut. She bumped her groin against his. He issued a moan.

"We should stop," he said, fighting for breath. This time it was her turn to touch her tongue to his earlobe.

"Why?"

"Because… we're in public!"

I'm quite nauseous when I sit down next to Ricky. The discussion I am about to have with him has unsettled me my entire drive to the hospital, and I don't think I have the strength to get through it. What am I doing? I ask myself, throwing my head in my hands. I'm married. I vowed to stand by him for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. However Ricky might as well be dead. He could spend the rest of his life in this bed, and I could spend the rest of my life waiting for him to wake up. Or, I can do my best at moving on, have faith that he'll wake up and decide what happens next if he does.

"I wish we had talked about this while you were still awake," I say, escaping my thoughts. "We never talked about what would happen if one of us died. I feel as if I don't have your permission to move on from you Ricky, and it's killing me inside."

"Something happened with me and Jack. We made out. I mean, he initiated it… but still."

"He told me that in grade nine, you know when I had just gotten pregnant with John, that he was into me or whatever. And that he still has feelings for me now."

A tight pain builds in my throat. "He- he asked me if I have feelings for him." The pitch of my voice rises as tears spill from my eyes and my breathing hitches. "And I said yes."

"I care about him!" I sob. "I don't want to but I do! And I know it's awful for me to say, but waiting for you is just too hard Ricky! I don't want to feel alone or lost anymore! I want to be happy again! And I wish, oh I wish with all my heart that you'd wake up right now, and we could go back to the perfect life we had before the accident. But you aren't waking up! And you aren't getting better! And if I have any chance at moving on with my life and being happy again, then I need to try and see if this thing with Jack can work."

"I know you must hate me. I hate me! And I know that if things were the other way around that you would have to strength to wait for me. But I'm not you! And I'm not that strong. And I hope that someday you can forgive me for not having the bravery you deserve."

I drive my fists into my eyes to clear them of my tears. My stuffed nose inhibits me from breathing properly. I push away from my chair and sit beside Ricky on the bed. This isn't the same face he had four months ago. He's different.

"I will always love you," I whisper through my crying hiccups. Lowering myself down, I kiss his lips. When I pull away, I see that his cheeks have stolen the tears from mine. I wipe his face, brush my hand over his head once and stand. Walking away from him in this moment is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

It's not until I'm alone in my car that I breathe again. I collapse into sobs. Veins protrude from my forehead and water coats my cheeks. It's a messy, snotty, ugly cry. I scream at the top of my lungs, and lunge for my steering wheel. I grip it so tightly, my knuckles turn white. I seize in my seat, throwing my head back against my head rest and howling. Forming a fist, I slam my hand against the passenger seat. The car shakes beneath my rage. Intolerable sounds wrench their way from inside me.

This is where I leave the pain. This is where I leave him.

"What's a few more minutes?" he mumbled, refusing to take his eyes off of hers. She was so beautiful. His heart continued beating rapidly. His panic threw him off guard.

"Yeah," she squeaked. She was nervous, but then again so was he. Only she didn't want to continue, or at least she didn't think she did. She wanted a boyfriend, she wanted to feel appreciated and special. If she left now, she'd ruin everything.

He released a jittery smile and told himself to close his eyes. He leaned forward, letting their lips meet again. At first she was unresponsive to his kiss, but as he lingered, she eventually reciprocated. He could tell she wasn't very experienced, but she still managed to ignite something inside of him; something that drove him crazy.

Overtime, his hands found their way to her cheek, then her shoulder. Grazing her breast and making her shiver, they ended up at her waist. She was in a tight burgundy dress that stopped at the thigh.

His other hand found the back of her head as they kissed and as he closed the space between them, she laid flat against the couch. Growing hard, he deepened the kiss, and pulled one of her hands to his hair. She grabbed a few curls apprehensively. He moaned and nodded his head, as his fingers shakily unbuttoned his jeans. She could barely hear the unzipping of his pants over the blood pounding in her ears. Her heart beat rapidly.

She registered his hands against her thigh and the rolling of her skirt. Next came a pain so sharp and unexpected, she cried out in pain. He froze, but only for a moment. He broke the kiss, and tightly gripped the armrest of the couch that her head was leaning against. He rocked against her a few times, his breathing heavy. Her eyes filled with tears as he groaned slightly and then laid against her. She could see a faint line of sweat building on his forehead when he pushed off of her a moment later. She closed her eyes after that, wanting to be as still as possible until he left.

Seeing the thin red film that covered most of his penis, he realized she was a virgin. A piece of him felt guilty, but she hadn't said anything, and it was obvious they had both wanted it. She lied there, with her eyes closed. He tidied himself up and stood from the couch.

"Umm do you want me to walk you back to your cabin?"

She shook her head slightly, and kept her eyes closed. He mumbled an okay, and then turned to walk out of the room. She wasn't sure what had just happened. That had been sex right? Had he used something? Had he been using her? She opened her eyes and watched him leave. A part of her wanted to never see him again. A part of her didn't want him to walk out that door. But then he did.

It's a long drive back to my parent's house. I don't successfully stop crying until reaching an intersection a few streets away from their house and when I walk inside, my puffy face tells my mom and dad that I'm upset. Once I learn that Maddie is spending time with Alex and Ashley in the garage and that John and Robbie are with Toby at the park, I sit down with my parents and prepare to tell them everything.

"I'm sorry about how I treated you the other night dad. I know you're just trying to reinforce what my priorities are."

"You're right. I care about you Ames. We both do."

"I know that. And I'm sorry for getting so defensive. But you need to let me make my own decisions! I think the past few years have proved to us all time and time again that I am a lot older than twenty years old inside, and that I can handle making reasonable decisions."

"We know that Amy. We're just concerned about all the time you've been spending with Jack. Is there something going on between you?"

I look at my fingers. They are entwined together, sitting on the dinning room table in front of me. "Yes," I say after a decent pause. 'There is." My parents share in a unanimous gasp. "He kissed me last night on our outing and this morning we both admitted to having feelings for each other."

"Amy…" my mom interrupts, trying to calm down my dad.

"Let me finish!" I snap. "I was just with Ricky. I told him everything. If you're wanting this to not be an easy decision for me, congratulations, because it isn't. Actually moving on from him, from my marriage, is breaking my heart. I don't want to leave him. I have to! I have to move on! It's not fair to expect him to wake up! It's not fair that I'm miserable for the rest of my life, and that my kids don't grow up without a dad. Ricky wouldn't want that!"

"And if he wakes up?" My dad mutters, his arms crossed sternly against him.

"If he wakes up, I figure it out. If he doesn't… then I either spend my entire life waiting for him, or I try and be as happy as this situation will let me be."

"He isn't going to understand it you know," says my dad. "He's going to wake up thinking he's back on that over night trip with you. You really want to blindside him with the fact that you've broken your vows and jeopardized your marriage?"

"Our vows promise to stand by one another until death. How is this not death? Eight points less on some stupid medical scale and they'd be putting Ricky to sleep dad!"

"He isn't dead yet Amy. But move on to some other guy, and you just might kill him."

I shake my head. "I've made my decision. You aren't going to change my mind. I care about Jack and Jack cares about me. I need him!"

"It's like Ben all over again. The minute Ricky isn't here to rescue you, you fall into the arms of someone who can."

"THIS IS NOT LIKE BEN! I was fifteen and pregnant when Ben came into my life. He told me loved me. He was every answer I was looking for, and I needed help. Jack can't fix anything other than the fact that I am incredibly lonely and lost. I don't need Jack's money or support, I just need him! He's making me happy in this world of despair and endless darkness! Why can't you be glad that I'm smiling again?"

My mom, in tears, is the one who speaks next. "We are happy you're happy. We're thrilled that you're smiling again Amy! Seeing you over these past couple months physically ruined us! We just don't want you giving up on Ricky. He doesn't deserve that and neither do you."

"I could never give up on Ricky. I love him too much."

John fights me on leaving to go home until I mention to him that Jack is bringing home pizza. He runs to the car, singing a song to himself while I buckle him and Maddie in their seats. Waving bye to my parents, I head for the condo, but have to stop for gas on the way. We're home by 6:15. John ejects himself from his carseat as soon as the van is parked in the driveway while I work on getting Maddie out of the car. She holds my hand and we walk to the front door and points out a butterfly fluttering over our heads while I struggle to get the house key from my purse. Once inside, John flings his shoes in different directions like he normally does and runs to the couch to catch a cartoon on TV. Maddie joins him while I fix up the condo and start on a load of laundry. A little while later, I hear the kids break out into a screaming match, probably because John won't share something with his sister. Just as I'm about to go into the living room and match their high pitched voices with mine, Jack enters the condo through the unlocked front door.

John runs to greet him, hugging Jack at the legs while Maddie copies her brother. I hug Jack and take the pizza he is holding out of his hands. He helps the kids wash up and takes them to the kitchen, where I've set the table. We sit down to eat.

"So how did everything go today?" Jack asks, taking a sip from his glass of water.

I shrug. "It could have been better. I'll tell you about it after though. It's too boring for John."

We both look at John, who is engrossed in his pizza slice and has tomato sauce pooling over his chin. Jack hands him a napkin and guides him through the clean up.

"I like having you here Jack!" John pipes, giving me his crust. He never eats his crusts.

"I know you do Johnny. We have a lot of fun together. Don't we?"

John nods his head and starts on his second slice. Soon he gets full, and once I've wiped his face clean, he goes off to play in his room. While Maddie continues nibbling on the small squares of pizza I've cut up for her, Jack drags his chair in towards mine and kisses my forehead.

"I missed you today. How did things go?"

My eyes get misty. I lean my head on Jack's shoulder. He slips his hand sound my back. "Not so good. I went to talk to Ricky. I told him everything. It was so hard Jack. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. Walking away like that… I couldn't stop crying."

"I know this isn't easy for you at all. I really admire how strong you're being, and I really appreciate it. So thank you. I'm proud of you. You did great today. Did you talk with your parents?"

"Yeah. They gave me a good lecture. But I didn't let them change my mind. They know you and I are serious about each other and they're glad you make me happy."

"I do? I make you happy?"

I smile and slowly kiss him on the lips. The action is still foreign to me. "Very happy."

After dinner, Jack helps me clean up and occupies Maddie while I give John a shower. He then reads John a story while I bathe Maddie and waits with her in her room while I tuck John in. Jack watches a sports recap on TV while I pace the condo with Maddie. Soon she's asleep and I return to the living room after slipping her into her crib.

Jack makes room on the couch for me, slipping his arm over my shoulder after I sit down.

"I told my parents about us today after practice. They're happy for us. They want to meet you eventually."

"I wish your parents were as supportive as mine."

"They will be," he says. "Just give them time."

"I'm trying."

"You know, I liked helping with the kids tonight."

"Well having you around makes things so much easier. But trust me, you're not going to want to do this all the time. It gets pretty repetitive."

"I don't mind. Really." He kisses me. "You're comfortable with all this right? I mean, we just got together. We don't need to move this fast."

"I don't think we need to be cautious just because of my situation. I want to act the same way with you as I would if we weren't in such a complicated situation."

"I know, but you've been with the same guy since you were 17. Three years is a long time Amy. I just don't want you doing anything you don't feel ready for okay?"

"Alright. Thank you."

"You're welcome," he says. I can see he is hesitant to kiss me, so I do it for him. He smiles shyly. "I should get going."

"I'll walk you out," I say as I take his hand. We walk towards the door. "There is something I've been meaning to tell you. "

"What?"

"The guy who hit us… his trial is next week. I've been dreading it and I'm really nervous and I know that your pre-season just started up again, but I was wondering…"

"If I could come with you to court? Of course I will. You'll have me by your side. Don't worry."

"Thank you." I say as he pulls me in. We stand there for a minute, just hugging.

"You know I've been thinking about something too."

"What's that?"

"You should come to church with me sometime. I think it might help you with this whole thing."

"I don't know Jack… You know I don't go to church…"

"I know, but it's important to me. Just promise me you'll think about it?"

A/N Hello everyone! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! We are so close to 100 reviews! Therefore, I am going to wait for this story to reach 100+ before posting again. I'm currently writing chapter 12, so this will help me have some more time to catch up on writing for all of you!

In other news... I SAW ONE DIRECTION LIVE this weekend. Do any of you like One Direction?