She wanted to be the first out of the room, knowing Flint would question why she wasn't on his team. Hawk had consistently paired them up, and she was the obvious choice to be the first team in. Sighing, she knew she'd have to come up with some excuse, because he wouldn't leave her alone until she did.
She found herself heading to her office and stopped. That would be the first place he'd look. Briefly, she contemplated requesting leave, but quickly dismissed it. It's not like she could hide forever – not from him, and definitely not from the past. She thought back to what the shrink had told her all those years ago – that she could learn to control the dream. She had argued with him that it wouldn't change the outcome, and he had agreed. Informing her that she had the nightmare because of her guilt didn't help, either. It was the last time she saw the doctor, or any shrink for that matter.
Finding herself near the garage she smiled, thinking she'd check in with Courtney. She racked her brain for an excuse for searching out the mechanic. If anyone could distract her, it would definitely be Court.
The radio was playing classic rock, the tune echoing along the walls combining with the sound of tools, motors, and the occasional muttered comment. It wasn't somewhere anyone would have thought to look for a former supermodel, but to Courtney, this was her little piece of heaven. The other mechanics had long ago stopped seeing her as anything but a fellow greasemonkey when she was working. She had proved herself to them long ago.
Finding the familiar pair of legs in coveralls was difficult, Lady Jaye determined, thinking that they all looked the same and gender neutral. Fortunately for her, her footfalls were recognized and Courtney looked up from where she was bent over an engine.
"Hey Jaye! What's up?" Cover Girl asked, smiling. It wasn't often her roommates entered her domain, and another female in the place was always a welcome site among all the testosterone.
Allie found herself searching again for her excuse. "I, um, needed to ask you a question about my car. It's making that clunking noise again," she said apologetically.
Courtney frowned. "I thought we took care of that. Want to head over to the other garage and check it out now?"
"Sure," Allie replied, then realized like a dummy, she didn't have her car keys. What now?
A few other heads had surfaced and were watching the two women.
"Do you need to talk?" asked Courtney softly, well aware that they were being observed.
Allie bit her lip in frustration, and Courtney nodded. "Let me grab some tools and we'll head right over. It's about time I took a break anyway," she said a bit louder for their audience. Heads disappeared back under hoods and vehicles, and Courtney mouthed, "Busybodies!"
"So I thought we had fixed that noise," Courtney said with a frown as they walked across the open area towards the underground garage where the Joes kept their personal vehicles. "When did you start noticing it again?"
Lady Jaye sighed. "Court? The car's fine. I just needed…" She paused. What did she need? A place to hide, surely. A friend to talk to? She hesitated. She wasn't sure if she was so ready to share her ugly past, even though she knew Courtney wouldn't judge, but merely listen.
"What's wrong?" she asked, getting a good look at her friend's expression. "Did you and Flint…."
"No, nothing like that," Lady Jaye replied, giving a wry smile. If it were only that easy!
They continued into the garage and made their way towards the floor where the girls kept their cars. "So, if its not the car, and its not your boyfriend, what's going on?" Courtney asked, concerned.
They paused in front of Courtney's red truck. Allie's coupe was parked next to it, along with Shana's SUV. Crossing her arms, Courtney leaned against the side of her truck, looking questioningly at her friend.
Allie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She let the boyfriend comment pass. "I had to refuse an assignment. From Hawk."
Courtney looked stunned. "Can we do that?"
She shrugged. "Not really. I just…I can't go back to this place. There's too much…." her breath hitched and she gave herself a moment to get herself under control.
Courtney looked concerned. "Listen, Al," she said, putting a hand on her friend's shoulder, "whatever it is, you can tell me. Or I can just be here for you, whichever. Does this have anything to do with your nightmares?"
Allie looked stunned. "I thought only Shana knew…"
"Honey, it's woken both of us up before – remember the night you were screaming out? We just thought you'd be embarrassed if both of us knew. Maybe if you talked about it – with me, Shana, or even with Flint or Hawk – it might help. I can't believe Hawk didn't demand an explanation then and there!"
Allie rubbed her temple where she could feel the beginnings of a headache. "I just needed…I needed to get out of headquarters, and I found myself walking in your direction." She paused, sighing. "You're probably right. Maybe if I told you, it could help." She gave a bitter laugh that Courtney had never heard from her before. "It won't change things, but maybe give you a better understanding."
Courtney looked around. "Maybe this isn't the best place…." she began.
Allie sighed. "It's as good as any. I'd rather not be out in the open." She leaned back against her coupe, wishing she had brought her keys. A drive would do her good.
"His name was Richard," she began, deciding to get straight to the point. "He was a friend of my partner in MI-6. We all met at a bar one night when he was in town. I had never believed in love at first sight," she gave a wistful smile, thinking of him, "but with Richard, it seems like that's what it was. We were married three months after meeting. My bosses weren't happy. They thought he'd interfere with my work. My family wasn't too happy, either, thinking he was a gold-digger."
She paused, taking another deep breath. She hadn't talked to anyone about Richard in years, and the thought of him now, picturing him in her head as he was - it made her heart twist. It wasn't quite as painful as it once was, but the emotions were still present.
"We proved them all wrong. Richard got a job and we moved into my flat outside London. We only lived off the money we both made. It was probably one of the happiest points of my life. I was 22 at the time," she smiled at Courtney. "He was 34. We had eloped and never had a real honeymoon, so once I was able to get leave from work, we decided to visit his family in Germany. We toured the countryside and found a cute little cottage to stay in while we were there."
She paused again, knowing the next part of the story would be the hardest. Courtney had listened silently the whole time, her face expressionless. She nodded at Allie to go on.
"We were there for about a week when my partner showed up. MI-6 wanted me back early for another assignment. We invited him to stay for dinner, but he declined, saying he had some business to attend to. We didn't think much of it and since it was late, decided to call it a night. I wasn't happy about going back, but Richard assured me that he would join me in about a week, and we'd be back together in our little flat."
"That night," she continued, her breath hitching, but she forced herself to go on, "I woke up and the bedroom was filled with smoke. Richard wasn't beside me. I rolled to the floor and made my way to the doorway, but the fire was on the first floor. I called for Richard, but there was no answer. I managed to make it over to the window and had to break it open, to get fresh air into the room. I tried once again to find Richard, and actually went out into the hallway to look for him, thinking maybe he had passed out from the smoke."
Her voice grew to a whisper as she relived her past. "It was so dark, and I couldn't see anything. I had started for the stairs, but that's when the first explosion happened. I was knocked back against the bedroom door and I think I lost consciousness for a moment. When I came to, the fire was making its way up the stairs. I knew I had to get out, and was hoping Richard had done the same. I crawled back to the bedroom and threw myself out the window. The local fire crew had just arrived and they managed to carry me from the house. They tell me I was screaming for Richard, but I don't remember much after deciding to go through the window."
"Oh, Allie!" Courtney whispered, hugging her friend to her as tears streamed down Allie's cheeks. "I never knew! No wonder you have nightmares!"
Allie pulled herself away, knowing she had to finish the story. "They found Richard in a closet under the stairs. Besides being burned, they found he had been stabbed, the knife still in his chest. They pegged it as a robbery gone wrong. The fire had been deliberately set," she whispered. "He never had a chance."
"They never found out who?" Courtney whispered, incredulous about the whole story.
Allie shook her head. "I was in a hospital for several months before they'd release me. They actually had pegged me as a suspect, but apparently I was so incoherent, it was ruled out pretty quickly," she explained dryly. "I don't remember much during those months, only being sedated. My family came to collect me after it happened and took me to a special hospital in Switzerland, where I had several skin grafts for the burns, as well as counseling."
Her voice took on a bitter tone. "I was thrown back into duty, but by then, my partner had defected to Cobra." Not that he hadn't paid her a visit first, she thought angrily. It had been his friend, but there had been no sympathy on his part. Instead, he had tried to build on her anger and convince her to join Cobra. It was then she found out her own uncle was part of the organization. She had used that anger to help build her strength and push thoughts of Richard and her past behind her.
"Now you know," Allie said simply, her tears ceasing to flow, her voice once again steady. "The place where they want us to go is where the cottage was."
Courtney shifted uneasily. "Maybe you don't want to hear this, but could revisiting that place help bring you closure? If you haven't been back after all this time…"
Allie gave her friend a tight smile. "Richard's family placed a memorial at the site, and he's buried in the local cemetery. Knowing that, how can I keep my focus on Cobra and the mission at hand? Maybe someday," she sighed, "but I don't think now's the time."
"Al, I'm speaking to you as your friend," Courtney began in a gentle voice. "You have to bring closure to this, if not now, then when? You said that fighting Cobra helped bring you out of your state. Facing Cobra near that area, won't that just sharpen your focus?"
The guilt was eating her up. "You don't understand, Court. I made it out alive – he didn't. That will always haunt me. How can I even go to that area and possibly face his family, his friends?"
"Have you thought of speaking to a professional…"
Allie interrupted her with a bitter laugh. "Oh yes, trust me. I was forced to see several of them while I was in the hospital. It doesn't matter, Court. No matter what, you can't change the past. You can't change what happened."
"But you can put it to rest, have some peace within yourself," Courtney frowned. "Between that, your former partner defecting….it had to be a rough time for you. But you pulled yourself out of it, and here you are today."
Allie blew out a breath she didn't realize she was holding in. "Thanks for listening, Courtney. I guess I don't need to tell you…"
Courtney made a motion. "My lips are sealed. You just let me know what you need me to do."