Author's Note

WARNING: Imminent sex scene in this chapter. Story is rated M, y'all have been warned.

I should rename this story 'why metallover will forever be too embarrassed to publish a book for the rest of his life' there's so much crap in it…

I had different plans for this chapter, but someone mentioned a duel and I thought "hey, that's a much better idea…" So we're going with that, instead. And who said they wanted Morgan? I want Morgan, but I can't rush… I assure you, as soon as I get the opportunity…

Am I updating this story fast? Yeah, because it's a helluva lot easier to write than everything else I'm working on. It takes me like a day to write a chapter and another half a day to proof it, so I'm usually done within two days if I'm not doing anything else. Plus I really want to get to the child-characters. I assure you all, though, I am still fixing Future's End.

Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime and Gaming, new episodes every second Thursday! Find us on Soundcloud and iTunes, and make sure you follow us on Facebook and Twitter!

Read, review and Nagaspeed!

Part the Tenth, or "How my most-esteemed self ended up with a new corn-hole during my first duel"

I gave a great yawn, blinking and smacking my lips as I sat up in bed the next morning. I jumped a little when a pitcher of water was suddenly thrust under my nose next to a hot towel. There was a brief moment of panic, one in which I considered screaming out a long and piercing 'kyaaaa!' before I remembered 'oh, right, I have a maid now'.

"God morning, milord!" Elle said brightly, all smiles. "Here is some water to quench your thirst and a towel to wipe your face with."

I grunted my thanks to the maid and took the pitcher, practically draining it before wiping my face down. I wasn't a morning person, and the fact that she was being so… bubbly was getting on my nerves already.

I will not hit my maid with a shovel because she irritates me in the mornings, I will not hit my maid with a shovel, I will not hit my maid with a shovel…

"In future leave the pitcher on the nightstand," I yawned, climbing out of bed. "I don't need the towel. Thank you, though. Your attentiveness is… appreciated. I guess."

Elle's smile dropped for a moment before snapping right back into place as she nodded. I'm sure that if she had a tail, it would be a-waggin right now.

"Of course, milord," she said with a curtsey, before holding a small pile of blue cloth out to me. "I've prepared your clothes for the day, and-"

"My jeans," I said, cutting her off.

"I-I'm sorry?" she said, caught off guard.

"I'll wear my jeans," I said. "The pants I asked you to mend. I'll wear those."

"Ah! Of course, milord!" she said, quickly pulling the pants out. "M-my apologies!"

"Thank you," I said with a nod, accepting my favored pants and pulling them on. "Urgh… Whatever simple shirt you suggest will be fine with me. No ties or coats or anything, though. Keep it simple."

Elle beamed as she held a beautifully brocaded blue and gold shirt out to me, House Ylisse livery displayed prominently on its breast. Her happiness at presenting a single shirt made me sick. She held it out, opening the front and standing expectantly, which was a little too much for me. I took the shirt from her hands and pulled it on myself, turning away.

"I can dress myself," I sighed. "Now kindly get out for a minute. I need to use the chamber-pot."

"A-at once, milord!" she said, curtseying deeply and dashing from the room.

I watched her go and once the door closed let out a deep sigh. Just being around her made me tired. I debated simply crawling back into bed after relieving myself, but decided against it. I'd promised Chrom that I'd start work today, and the sooner I reformed Ylisse's military into something that the Prince and I held a little more power over instead of the nobles the better.

While I unzipped my pants and stood over the chamber pot I heard voices from outside, but in a rush of euphoric relief I tuned them out, choosing to focus on the task at hand.

As I zipped myself back up a single thought occurred to me, something I'd forgotten about until now.

Elle had ignored my morning wood completely.

I looked down at my crotch before blinking over my shoulder at the closed door a few times, a small grin rising to my face. After yesterday's work with my suit and that non-reaction to my splendid morning glory, I thought I might be starting to like the girl.

"Alright, all clear," I called, stretching my arms above my head.

As Elle returned to the room I began buttoning up the shirt she'd provided, still irritatingly tight around my chest. She had a funny look on her face, though, and was carrying a rolled up scroll in her hands.

"M-milord, this came for you," she said, holding it out to me.

"Probably some stupid orders from Frederick…" I sighed.

I wordlessly took the scroll and broke the wax seal, unrolling it and speed reading…

"Oh fuck all kinds of duck…" I groaned.

"Chrom!" I called, stomping into his office. "Chrom, what in the name of- sorry, good morning Sumia, you look lovely today. Is that a new dress? Now, what in the name of unholy hell is this shit!?"

Chrom and Sumia both looked up at me like deer in the headlights, the Pegasus Knight recoiling from the sitting man to stand at his side with a faint blush on her cheeks. Chrom, for his part, was much cooler, smiling openly.

"Good morning to you, too," he said sarcastically.

"Ben! G-good morning!" Sumia said quickly.

Elle finally caught up behind me, panting and out of breath as I crossed the office and slapped the scroll that had been delivered to me on Chrom's desk.

"Yes, yes, we're all happy to see each other first thing in the morning," I drolled, before snapping. "Seriously! What the fuck!?"

Chrom blinked, frowning thoughtfully as he looked at the scroll. Sumia leaned over his shoulder, reading it too.

"Ah, Duke Beorhito got this to you much faster than I was expecting," Chrom said lightly. "I suppose we'll have to postpone the victory party until afterwards, eh?"

"Care to explain this bull-shittery to me?" I asked impatiently.

"It's a challenge to a duel," Sumia said.

"I can read!" I sighed exasperatedly. "But is this actually a thing!? People do this here!?"

Chrom actually blinked up at me with a blank face as he rolled the scroll back up.

"Of course," he said evenly. "What were you expecting to happen after that little scene you pulled last night?"

I froze at that, recalling the events of the party the previous evening. So I'd assaulted a Duke and his retinue. Good to know I was already making friends.

"I'm not apologizing for that," I said truthfully. "Those shit-stains deserved it. And if that's a problem, I can give this fancy ring back and just go."

"Please, don't insult me," Chrom scoffed. "If you didn't hit him I was going to. However, if I had done it there would have been no repercussions. Who would dare raise a hand to the future Exalt, after all?"

"Is there no way out of this?" I groaned.

"Of course! Just decline the duel!" Chrom laughed. "But if you did that House Ylisse would look weak, and so would House Themis because of Maribelle's betrothal to you…"

"So what do I do?" I asked, running a hand over the spiky top of my head.

"Choose a second and let them have the duel," Chrom shrugged. "That's how these things usually work. I can order Frederick to be your second if you wish. I don't think he's ever lost a duel."

I shook my head, clenching the scroll in my hand. The challenge said I could set the terms, and…

"No," I said, thinking already. "No, I'll fight myself. They were my words, my actions. I can't ask someone else to take responsibility for them."

Besides, I'd really like another chance to look cool for the lower caste, I thought, a plan formulating in my head already.

"Good," Chrom said, smiling approvingly. "I knew you would say that. If you'd like to set the date I can help you train?"

I shook my head again, unrolling the paper and writing my reply on the bottom with Chrom's ink quill, setting the date for one week from today.

"No, I appreciate the thought but I have a better plan," I muttered as I wrote. "Here, Elle. Deliver this to the Duke's people for me, please."

"Right away, milord!" she said, stepping forward and accepting the scroll.

She gave Chrom and Sumia a polite curtsey before leaving, and I sighed again.

"Um, Ben…" Sumia said hesitantly.

I glanced over at her, waiting for her to continue. She looked like she was carefully choosing what to say, so I gave her a moment rather than bombarding her with snark like I usually would to someone.

"What you did last night," she said finally. "I don't approve of your actions. But I wanted you to know that I approve of your reasoning. Thank you for supporting our allies, and thank you for supporting our friends."

I nodded, grinning a little at her.

"Thank you, Sumia," I said gratefully. "You'll make a great Queen someday, you know."

"W-what!?" she practically shrieked. "Q-q-queen!? How did you know… I mean we were just…"

I laughed, crossing my arms and shaking my head. Sumia was wearing a light cream sundress, and when she'd jumped back from Chrom I'd noticed the small bump on her stomach that one couldn't quite hide in a dress like that. When that had happened I didn't know and or care, but it made sense that this would have happened sooner and later in a world with medieval-grade contraception available. It also made sense that they would be rushing a royal wedding now. It didn't really matter in the end; they were destined for each other, anyway.

Or so the script said they were. I refused to let that little niggling thought bring me down, though; this was a happy moment.

But unfortunately it seemed I'd be just a few months short of making bastard jokes at Lucina…

"Baby-bump," I said, pointing to Sumia's stomach. "Congratulations, both of you. I thought you'd been glowing lately, and I guess I was right. She'll grow up to be a great hero, I know it."

And a massive pain in my ass, but hey, let's not mention that part and kill the mood just yet…

Chrom sighed and ran a hand down his face, trying to cover the grin on it while Sumia's jaw dropped, tears gathering at the corners of her eyes.

"I-is it t-that noticeable alread-dy?" she asked, sobs hitching her voice.

"No!" I laughed. "Of course not! I just have an eye for these things! I guarantee you that no one else, besides maybe Cordelia, has noticed. And her only because she's your best damn friend. So please don't cry. Seriously. Stop crying. Please. It's too freaking early…"

Sumia nodded and sniffled, and Chrom reached up to squeeze her hand.

"We were going to make an official announcement after the wedding," he said with a grin. "So I'd appreciate it if you could keep quiet about this."

"Yeah, sure," I sighed. "Don't worry, I'll just tell people she's getting fat- please don't stab me. Seriously, though. I'm happy for both of you. You deserve to be happy together."

Sumia let out a little squeak, smiling and wrapping me in a bone-crushing hug.

"Oh, thank you, Ben!" she cried, squeezing the air out of my lungs.

At this point I couldn't tell if she was hugging me because she was happy or to punish me for the fat comment. Dear sweet Christ, was every woman here a closet body-builder!?

"Y-yeah," I gasped, arms flailing about behind her. "No… problem… Chrom… save me…"

Sumia stepped back, wiping her eyes and smiling. Chrom was smiling. After I massaged the feeling back into my ribs I was smiling, too. Everyone was smiling.

It was a happy moment, one that even the looming threat of my duel couldn't overshadow.

"Wait," I said, freezing for the second time that morning as my face dropped. "When did this 'betrothed to Maribelle' thing become official, and why was I not consulted!? I'm not! Getting! Fucking married!"

I found myself quickly walking through town after breakfast in the Palace, my destination a small inn near the royal quarter. I'd managed to ditch Elle, instructing her to find a way to duplicate the denim of my jeans so I could finally stop wearing this pair every day. Jeans were pretty fucking old, so they couldn't be too far off creating the denim fabric here…

I found the place easy enough; a simple wooden building just on the outer periphery of the middle tier of the city, nice but still 'low class'. To me it seemed far more comfortable than the palace.

I stepped in and breezed right by a bored, still half-asleep clerk sitting at a counter and went right up the stairs to the second floor.

I gave two knocks on the first door on the right and waited patiently, glancing nervously over my shoulder.

"Yes?" a voice called from within.

"Silence is golden," I said, my voice just loud enough so that it carried through the door.

There was a brief pause before Marth opened the door and frowned at me from inside.

"What?" she asked.

"That's the code-phrase so you know it's me," I said with a grin.

"No one else knows I'm here, why would you need a code-phrase!?" she asked exasperatedly, before shaking her head and stepping to one side. "You know what? I don't care. Come in already."

I chuckled, stepping past her into the small room.

"C'mon, where's your sense of whimsy?" I asked.

"What do you want, Ben?" Marth groaned. "It is far too early for your particular brand of stupidity this morning."

"Ho-hoh! You're learning the ways of the snark, I see!" I laughed, perching on the edge of her bed without asking permission.

"Yes, well, with no one else to talk to for more than a month I fear I may have…" Marth started before shaking her head and glaring at me.

"That is not important! What do you want!?"

I made a thoughtful noise before nodding and slapping my fist down into my upturned palm.

"Right, I have a mission for you," I said to her.

"I do not take orders from you," she responded instantly.

"Okay, I have a favor to ask you," I tried again.

"I decline."

"Come on, woman! Work with me here!"

"Not even if you got on your knees and cleaned my boots with your tongue."

"Look, it's a job-" I started to say before what Marth had just said to me sunk in.

I couldn't let this one go. I couldn't. As a man fully devoted to being a dick, I couldn't let it go.

"Okay, wow, kinky," I said with a grin. "I guess I learned something new about you today, Princess. It's always the ones you least expect, but… just… wow. I like it, you naughty girl, you."

"W-what!?" Lucina asked, her voice rising and her face already blushing heavily.

"Now that I think of it, I can see you in a bondage suit with a whip," I said with a grin, leaning back. "And with that way of talking and your noble bearing I bet you'd make a great dominatrix."

Lucina trembled, looking down as I laughed a little. I may have gone too far, but really, with a set up like that how could I not-

"Ragh!" she growled, pulling her sword up from beside her bed and pointing it at me. "I'll kill you, pervert!"

"Yes!" I shrieked, spinning and prostrating myself with my face pressed against the wall. "Spank me! Hit me! Call me dirt! Just have your way with me!"

I was wondering if I'd taken the joke too far until Lucina's iron blade smashed through the wall next to my head and stuck there, which answered the question pretty well for me. I turned slowly, the woman red in the face and panting behind me as she clearly tried to fight the impulse to impale me.

"You're just proving my point," I said calmly.

"You are a disgusting pervert!" she shouted. "I will kill you before I let you touch me!"

"Yeah, like your skinny ass does anything for me," I scoffed. "Grow up a few more years and get a little meat on your bones, then we'll talk. And now that I've had my fun, I need to tell you about an important mission that only you or I could do."

"So go do it yourself!" she seethed, her sword still impaled next to my face and her own face still red to the ears.

"Oh, I would, but I'd say that Laurent would be a little more receptive to hearing it from you," I shrugged nonchalantly.

Lucina blinked a few times before pulling her sword out of the wall and lowering the weapon, still not making eye contact with me.

"Explain yourself," she said simply, lowering her voice and assuming her Marth persona again.

"Yes mistress, as you command, mistress," I said, doing my best to imitate the voice of a sub being stepped on.

Marth growled again, brandishing the big iron sword as I laughed.

"Laurent is the only one I know for a fact is here already besides you," I explained, holding my hands up in surrender. "Kjelle might show up a little later, but most of the rest of your little friends don't show up for two years yet. So you're going to go to the desert in the south-east and find him. He's lost because he can't read a map."

"Yes, that definitely sounds like Laurent," she sighed. "But I cannot leave my father-"

"Lucina, I swear on my life nothing is going to happen to him in the next two years," I said, finally growing serious. "You can go find Laurent, just be back before two years are over."

"I'll be back in a month," she scoffed. "But what of you? What will you be doing."

"Well, I'ma fight this duel, then re-organize the entire military, and then I'm going looking for someone, too. Someone who will be ridiculously important to morale."

Marth nodded, but I said no more. I didn't want to get her hopes up if I couldn't find her early, after all.

First, though, I had to fight my duel. One crisis at a time and all that.

Later I found myself pacing back and forth in front of the Shepherds' barracks, waiting for the others to come back from their early morning hunting.

Lissa hummed happily as she swung her legs, perched on the windowsill of the barracks behind me, totally oblivious to my impatience.

In the end I'd ditched one shadow for another louder one. Lissa had latched onto me after breakfast, taking great interest in the preparations I was planning for my duel. She'd even gone so far as to tail me to the inn that Marth was staying at. I'd caught her as I'd been coming out, the Princess totally unrepentant.

"Hoy!" a familiar voice called from the direction of the city. "Are you the reason our party's been post… pu- uh… made later?"

I sighed, turning to Vaike.

"Yes, Teach, I am," I said slowly. "And the word is 'postponed'. I swear you don't so much speak the language as butcher it and leave it in the sun for jerky…"

"I do like jerky," Vaike nodded as he and the others approached.

Virion, Lon'qu, Panne and Vaike had clearly been the hunting party that morning, each carrying what I didn't doubt was their own particular catch. Lon'qu and Virion both had bundles of rabbits slung over their shoulders, while Panne was carrying a haunch of either deer or moose and coated in blood again. Vaike didn't have anything, though; he'd probably just gone to get out of the city.

I sighed, looking at Panne. The Taguel stopped when she noticed my gaze locked on her, furrowing her brow.

"What?" she asked.

"Just wondering how you get so messy every time you hunt," I admitted.

She looked down at herself and shrugged, flashing me a big and bloody grin.

"I hunt with my teeth," she said with a grin, her canines glinting in the sun.

"God damn I am disturbed at how aroused I am by that," I sighed, shaking my head.

"Here," she said, tearing a chunk off the haunch and handing it to me. "It is fresh."

"Thanks," I said, popping it into my mouth without thinking to a chorus of disgusted shouts from the others.

"That is raw, man!"

"You can eat it like that?"

"Ew! Ewewewewewewewewew!"

Lon'qu just remained silent, eying the haunch himself now.

"Go get cleaned up," I laughed, still chewing. "But I want to talk to you when you're done. Let's all go inside, huh?"

"Is it true you punched a Duke?" Vaike asked as we all filed into the barracks.

"It was… more of a headbutt than anything else," I said nonchalantly.

By the time everyone I needed had gathered there were a few others present as well, Cordelia and Kellam having shown up from their morning training and Tharja skulking around like usual while Olivia cooked the meat that the hunting party had brought back into a stew. I clapped my hands to get everyone's attention as I stood, looking out at the curious faces.

"So, as I'm sure you all know now, I pimp-slapped a Duke for calling Tharja a slut and belittling our Feroxi allies and even the rest of the Shepherds at the party last night," I said all in one breath. "Apparently people duel to settle grievances in this land, so I'm going to be fighting a duel this time next week. Any questions so far?"

"Which Duke was it?" Vaike asked.

"Uh… Duke… Burrito?" I said, forgetting the man's name.

"Duke Beorhito," Cordelia corrected me.

"Yeah, that," I said. "Whatever. One of the ones that refused to leave the border when we went back into Plegia."

"Right. Gotcha," Vaike nodded.

"Anyway, there's a few things going on and I wanted to get them out of the way now while we're all here," I went on. "Firstly, in the week leading up to this duel I'm going to need Panne and Cordelia to help me. Can I count on you two?"

Cordelia nodded, smiling, while Panne simply grunted and crossed her arms.

"After that I'm going to need someone to train me in swordsmanship, because I'm sick of punching things. As much fun as it is… Lon'qu? You my man?"

"I… yes?" he responded unsurely.

"What about the rest of us?" Lissa asked excitedly.

"You guys just kinda tagged along to this meeting," I shrugged. "I only needed those three. If you really want, Lissa you can heal me when I get my ass kicked and the rest of you can be my cheer squad."

"What is a 'cheer squad'?" Virion asked slowly.

"Does it involve twerking?" Olivia asked. "Because if it does, I don't want to do it…"

"A cheer squad just shows up on the day for moral support," I explained. "And while cheerleaders do dance, no they generally do not twerk, Olivia."

"Oh! Okay!" she said, relief evident in her features. "I can dance, at least!"

"Yeah, great," I muttered, trying to hide my grin.

"So what did you need Panne and I for?" Cordelia asked.

I grinned a little, looking at both of them with a glint in my eye.

"Panne, I want you to teach me to fight like a Taguel. Cordelia, after she does I need you to be my crash-test-dummy."

The next morning I yawned, rolling out my neck in the training yard before dawn. Lucina had left the previous evening, taking my assurances that her father would come to no harm while she was gone and all of my cash to fund her trip. Apparently just because I'd gotten paid didn't mean everyone else had. On the sidelines of the training field Elle stifled a yawn of her own, attentively holding my bag full of vullenaries and some water for later.

I glanced around, wondering exactly where Panne was. As per her instructions here I was, standing in naught but my jeans without even my knives strapped to my back, freezing my arse off without a shirt or even shoes on while she-

Something hit me hard from the side, and before I realized it that something had a death-grip on my arm and I was being dragged through the city at a breakneck pace. I caught a glimpse of Elle's horrified face before she disappeared. With a cool, calm sense of rationality I wasn't entirely sure of the origin of I glanced up, finding my arm caught in Panne's transformed form's mouth as she dragged me through the city.

She didn't stop until we were deep in the forest outside of Ylisstol, and she finally released me and transformed back into her human form. She'd been gentle while carrying me, and there wasn't even a bruise on my bicep where she'd grabbed me with her mouth, although there was quite a bit of Taguel spit matting my hair to my chest and shoulder.

"You know, you could have just asked," I sighed, wiping the spit off. "I would have come out here no… problem…"

Panne huffed, brushing her hair and long ears back over her shoulders. Instead of her usual leathers she was wearing light clothes, too; a simple pair of dark shorts that went about halfway done her supple thighs and what would have passed as a white tank-top back home, but was probably a torn-up blouse or something here.

"It was necessary to throw the girl off," she said, looking around the forest. "With that, she will not know what to think, and by the time she begins to search we will be long gone."

"She's my servant, I could have just ordered her to stay behind," I sighed, doing my best to ignore the way Panne's top hugged her figure.

She stopped for a moment at that revelation, one ear twitching a little.

"I did not consider that," she admitted, shrugging. "We are committed now. Are you ready?"

"Well, yeah," I sighed. "But ready for what? We doing some survival training, or-"

The rest of my question was cut off again as human-form Panne barreled into me this time, knocking me from my feet and into the dirt on my back with a crazy-fast sucker punch to the gut. She landed on top of me, straddling me and wrenched my arms away from my face, bringing her face down to my neck before I could even struggle. Her teeth just barely brushed my flesh and she stopped, letting out a laugh.

"You are dead," she said, sitting up.

I frowned as comprehension came to me. I had asked her to train me like a Taguel, albeit in a slightly more human manner. I guess this was how Taguels trained.

If this was how she wanted to play it…

With a growl I lifted my hips, throwing her off of me momentarily and sat up, bringing my hands forward to grab at her shoulders to shove her down this time. Clearly she'd been expecting this, and used the momentum of my throw to jump off of me and back about a foot.

"Good," she nodded, crouching low. "You learn quickly."

With that she was gone, disappearing into the forest around us. Ylisse's forests weren't exactly thick or wild, but the way that Panne disappeared was still unsettling.

So… this was gonna be my training? Survive and fight and survive?

Alright. I could do that.

I hoped…

Moving as quietly as I could through the bushes I followed after her, opening my eyes wide and watching for any sign of movement.

It was going to be a really, really long week. Especially without my vullenaries.

"Oh God I'm going to die in this forest, aren't I?" I sighed, shaking my head.

After a few days of running around the forests with Panne I learned a number of things.

Food actually does taste better when you have to work for it. After a while you begin to ignore the cuts on the bottom of your feet. You can kinda control asthma with deep-breathing exercises; it's not perfect, but it's better than nothing. Hunting with nothing but your bare hands and reflexes was really, really hard. A rabbit's neck is a lot harder to break with your hands than it looks. Taguel fight dirty, ambushing and sucker-punching.

Oh, and they also huddled together for warmth at night, even after kicking your ass all day. Which was really kind of pleasant.

On the fifth and final day of our training I let out a groan as I sunk down to the bed of grasses that I'd thrown together, flopping backwards and letting my tired muscles finally relax. I was exhausted and dirty, and more than ready to return to Ylisstol and my bed. Hell, even if I lost the duel it would be enough just to get back to what approximated civilization in this freaking place.

And I thought I'd missed internet and electricity before…

I'd tried a couple of times to make a fire, but Panne had appeared and kicked my ass. I'd tried to bathe in the river, and she'd nearly drowned me. I'd tried to hunt with some crude tools and she'd broken them over my head. After two days of that I'd given up and settled for simply going totally feral.

And I hadn't thrived, but to my credit I was surviving. There were lots of wild fruits and berries in Ylissean forests, not to mention the absurd amounts of game to hunt. I hadn't tried taking anything bigger than a rabbit with my hands, but I had spotted deer a couple of times. I never strayed far from the creek once I'd found it, either. Water was important, after all.

A man could live quite easily off the land here. It made me wonder if there was anywhere left like this back home, or if all of the 'natural forests' had suffered from mankind's rapid industrialization to the point of no return.

Just as I felt myself relax and started to wonder where Panne was my question was answered when she burst out of the bushes, her fingers clawing and her teeth bared. So far she hadn't attacked me at night yet, usually stopping our little survival game when the sun went down, but after a week of fending her off nothing surprised me and I was getting used to this shit.

I rolled aside, reaching to the ground and flinging a small cloud of dirt into her face. She growled as my throw hit home, shaking her head and swiping at her eyes. I didn't give her the chance to recover, though, pressing my advantage and tackling her. I picked her up around the middle and slammed her to the ground, not pulling my punches. She gasped as the wind was knocked out of her, and I grabbed her wrists and wrenched her arms aside before I brought my own mouth down to clamp on her throat, the way she constantly had to me these last few days, feeling the thrill of my first victory against her approaching…

I reared back in surprise as something soft darted into my mouth, caressing my tongue a few times.

It took a split second for me to realize that the Taguel had just frenched me.

Panne grinned as I dropped my guard and used the same technique I had on her during our first brawl, bringing her hips up and throwing me off and onto my back. She straddled me again, and I let out a low groan in defeat.

"That is my final lesson," she said, holding my shoulders down into the dirt just like every other time. "You use every weapon available to you."

"That was a cheap trick," I sighed, looking up at the night sky as I waved goodbye to any hope of victory against this woman.

Still, though, I guess nothing distracted someone like a kiss. What movie was that from, anyway? Someone had done it in a movie, when a dude kisses another one to distract the hell out of him during a fight… Some crappy 90s comedy… Argh, I couldn't remember. I'd been away from home too long.

"There are no cheap tricks," Panne muttered. "Only survival."

She chuckled, backing off a little and wiping at her eyes. In the weak moonlight I could see that she was still squinting, her eyes watering as she tried to clean them. I sat up, taking one of her shoulders in my hand so that she didn't get off of me and gently wiped my thumb around her eyes, trying to get the worst of the dirt off.

"That was a good throw," she said, smiling slightly.

"I just acted," I shrugged. "Thought about how best to catch you off guard. Then you turned the tables on me like that…"

Panne chuckled again, blinking now with her eyes slightly clearer. My hand lingered on her face for a moment before I dropped it and leaned back, resting my weight on my arms.

"Well? You gonna sit there all night or are you going to get off of me?" I asked.

She frowned, blinking at me a few times without moving. I felt like I was being judged here, like I was doing something wrong…

"Foolish manspawn, I'll just do it myself," Panne growled, leaning forward again.

Honestly, I'd been 'around the block' a few times. In other words, I was no stranger to some good old fashioned fuckin'. Things had gotten pretty rough in the bedroom with some of the girls I'd been with back home. Raimi had been pretty wild, too, but that might have just been the hangover talking… But the way Panne kissed me had an animal intensity I'd never even heard of before.

She dug her nails into my shoulders like they were claws, biting my lips more than once as she desperately rubbed her body against mine. I pulled back for air, gasping a little as we separated slightly. Panne simply took the opportunity to tear what little clothing she was wearing off. When she started on my jeans I couldn't help but wriggle around a little.

"Holy shit!" I cried when she yanked them down. "Wait, wait! What!? Really!? We're really doing this!?"

Panne answered with a heated moan, pressing herself up against me again and rubbing her breasts against my chest as we brought our faces back together. There was a little more grinding as we found a rhythm before I finally slipped inside her, and Panne let out another moan in my ear that could have melted steel.

My reaction, however, was far more juvenile.

"Fuck the hell yes!" I cried to the sky, my shout echoing around the quiet nighttime forest.

The next afternoon I practically skipped back into Ylisstol, grinning ear to ear and humming happily to myself.

Panne had already been gone when I'd woken up, and I'd returned to the city expecting the Taguel to jump out at me the entire way. She hadn't though, so I'd been free to revel in the previous evening's events.

I snickered happily to myself.

It had been awesome.

The heat! The passion! The lust! That's what casual sex was all about! That's what I'd been missing! Before all of this duel shit began I'd almost considered coming up with some excuse and traveling back up to Regna Ferox a couple of times to see if Raimi wanted to throw down again, but now that I was satisfied I was probably good for another month or two.

Now I just needed to find…

I stopped, my train of thought derailing and looking at the paved street beneath me. Or rather, the growing shadow expanding around me.

"Milooooooooooooooord!" someone cried from above me.

I turned, eyes widening just in time to see Elle jumping off of a pegasus doing a pass over me, the maid hitting my chest like a fucking cannon-ball and wrapping her arms around me. Cordelia landed her mount not far away, jumping off herself and running towards us.

"Milord, I was so worried!" Elle cried into my shoulder. "You were gone for so long… and without a word!"

"Elle, that was incredibly dangerous and-" Cordelia started, flinching back and covering her nose and mouth when she got closer to me. "Gods above, Ben, you stink! Did you not bathe for the last six days!?"

"I was busy," I shrugged, grinning as I tried to pry Elle off of me.

"I will wash you!" Elle said fiercely.

"No."

"I must make up for leaving your side-"

"No!"

"Please milord! Allow me to atone!"

"Argh, get off! Off or I'm going back to the forest!"

A few hours and one incredibly awkward bath in which Elle stood outside the door the entire time I stood in the Palace's training yard, waiting for Cordelia. I squatted a few times, trying out the new jeans that Elle had produced for me. She'd gotten the denim pretty good, and it was actually more comfortable than the synthetic cotton that was all I could afford back home. There was no zipper or buttons or anything on them, but a belt did the job of holding them up adequately.

All in all, I was satisfied.

I'd done some serious training, gotten laid and I'd been responsible for the creation of this world's jeans industry. It had been a good week.

"What are you smiling about?" Cordelia asked, appearing behind me.

"Oh, nothing," I shrugged. "Has Panne shown up again yet?"

"She comes and goes as she pleases," the Pegasus Knight said, circling around me to stand in the middle of the training ground. "By all accounts she spends less time in the barracks and more in the forest anyway, so I would not worry if she is gone for a while."

I shrugged again, putting it out of my mind. Cordelia was standing before me wearing the thicker, female version of a Cavalryman's suit of armor and holding a longsword. According to her, this was what I was most likely to face when I fought the Duke's second tomorrow.

"Okay, hold still for a second," I instructed, walking over to her. "And lift your arms."

Cordelia did so without hesitation, a curious look on her face as I stepped in to inspect the armor. My fingers glided over the edges of the plates, hooked into the straps on the sides, knocked against sections to test their thickness…

"Are you just about done?" Cordelia giggled as I brushed her flank. "If you just wanted to look at the armor I could have gotten you a suit."

"No, this is only part of what I wanted," I explained, stepping back. "I wanted to see how it moves, see how it feels to hit it. I need to practice."

Cordelia nodded and grinned, brandishing her borrowed sword in a two handed grip.

"Well, I may be a little rusty with a blade, so you will have to forgive me."

I grinned right back, pulling my trench knives out from their holsters on the small of my back.

"Don't worry," I said. "I'll be gentle."

The next morning I yawned, looking around the grey dawn garden with tired eyes. I had scheduled the duel for dawn in the Palace Gardens, and was now patiently waiting for my adversary to show up. Lon'qu, my second, waited next to Lissa who would be the duel's dedicated healer. Both of them stood next to my cheer-squad, which consisted of Olivia, Elle, Tharja and Cordelia. I was a little disappointed at the lack of pom-poms and mini-skirts, but that would have been too distracting anyway.

I yawned again, wondering just how long it would take the fat Duke to waddle all the way to the Palace gardens when I caught the sound of grass crunching under heavily booted feet. Five men, the same five from the party, approached, Duke Burrito leading them with a wicked sneer on his face.

"I did not think you would actually possess the bravery to show," he boomed at me.

I remained silent and shrugged. One of the soldiers at his back wearing full armor stepped forward and drew his sword.

"This is Sir Wilber," the Duke announced. "He is my second, and will be fighting in my place."

I grinned at the young man standing in front of me. He was, unfortunately for him, wearing the exact same armor style that Cordelia had let me train against the previous evening. The guy saluted me with his sword before stepping back into a ready stance.

"I'll be fighting for myself," I said, pulling my trench knives out from behind me. "But are you okay with this, Wilber? This fight isn't first blood, it's until death or one of us yields."

"Then I hope you've made peace with your gods," Wilber growled. "For the act of insulting my lord, I-"

"Yeah, yeah, you can stop talking now," I sighed.

So much for talking sense into him.

"The rules state that you must name a second before we can fight," the Duke announced, glancing around me and sneering again. "However judging from the crowd you have brought with you, it will not matter much anyway."

I seethed for a moment before I forced myself to relax. This Wilber was a knight, trained from childhood to fight. If I was going to beat him I'd need to fight smart, which meant not getting angry.

"Fine," I sighed. "My second is-"

"Me," a strong voice called from the direction of the Palace.

Everyone turned to watch as Chrom strode over to my side, Frederick hovering at his like usual. Chrom gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder before turning to face Duke Burrito again.

"I trust that is satisfactory, Duke Beorhito?"

"O-of course, milord Chrom," the Duke stammered.

"Not that I will need to intervene anyway," Chrom added under his breath as he and Frederick moved to wait with the others.

I sighed, flexing my arms a little as I glared at Wilber.

"Last chance, dude," I warned him. "If you want to surrender go ahead and do it now."

"Do not mock me," the Knight growled. "I will rend your head from your neck with a single swing! I will dance in your blood and piss on your grave! I will… stop laughing, curse you!"

I held my stomach, doubling over from laughter.

Is this guy serious? Oh, I'ma have some fun here.

"Oh, I-I'm sorry," I chuckled. "You see, that'd all be terribly intimidating if you were, oh, I don't know, actually intimidating?"

"Are you still mocking me!?" Wilber shouted.

"No!" I assured him, still grinning. "No-no-no-no-no-no! Pfft, yeah!"

Wilber let out a frustrated roar, charging at me exactly the way I'd been trying to trick him into. Step one was staying calm myself; step two was pissing him off. Apparently, I hadn't needed to try very hard. Which sucked, because I had a lot of good ones saved up.

I ducked and dodged, circling around and avoiding his heavy, angry blows, which just seemed to make him angrier. I wasn't even wearing armor here, so I was, for once, faster than someone.

"Wanna hear a joke?" I asked, grinning as I backpedaled out of Wilber's reach again.

"Hold still!" the knight roared.

"Your momma's so fat that when she fell down nobody laughed, but the ground cracked up!" I goaded.

"Ha!" Chrom laughed before he could clamp a hand over his mouth to stop himself.

"You little dirt-eating piece of-" Wilber snarled, running at me again.

I rolled, evading his blow and coming up behind him.

"Didn't like that one?" I laughed. "Okay, how about this one. Your family tree must be a cactus, because everyone on it's a prick!"

Wilber gave a wordless growl, bringing his sword around again. In the distance I could hear Lissa and Lon'qu both snickering while Chrom tried to hold his own laughter in. Wilber clearly heard it too, and his face went red with rage.

"Why will you not fight me!?" he roared. "Why will you not just die!?"

"Because I'm having fun here," I laughed. "If I really wanted to die I'd just climb your ego and jump to your IQ. IQ is how smart you are, by the way."

"It is a mistake to mock me!" Wilber snarled, charging again.

"If you want to know about mistakes you should just go and ask your parents," I chuckled, standing my ground this time.

Wilber roared triumphantly, bringing his sword down at my shoulder. I brought my knives up, his heavy blade deflecting and sliding down off of them as I stepped back again to open some space. I crouched down low this time, my knives practically brushing the dirt as I grinned up at him.

"Fine, you want serious? You got it," I warned.

Wilber just growled and charged at me again, which I was starting to think that he really wasn't the smartest tool in the shed. I straightened and stepped inside his blow, leaning back and giving him a hard kick to the stomach with all my weight behind it, 'this is Sparta!' style. His thinner stomach plate actually indented from the blow as he stumbled backwards, coughing and holding himself.

I crouched low again, hugging the grass as I threw myself around to his flank. I slashed upwards at his vulnerable flank, managing to catch the edge of his plates but missing the soft-spot between the straps. I cursed, realizing that the female armor must have a bigger gap just before a back-handed hammer-fist smashed me off my feet. I rolled with the blow, coming up to face Wilber and spitting blood from my split lip with a smile.

"That's more like it!" I growled, doing my best to ignore the pain.

I darted forward low again, bringing both knives up and around to slash not at his torso, but at his wrists and tendons. I caught the edge of his armor again, sparks flying as my knives carved furrows in his gauntlets. The Knight yelped and stepped back, blood seeping from the slice I'd made in his off-hand gauntlet. I had no way of knowing if it was deep enough to hit the tendon, but at least now we were both bleeding.

I spun, following my momentum away from the knight and out of his strike range again. He panted, glaring daggers at me as I flicked his blood off of my knives.

Wilber rushed in again, low this time, and I stepped back to avoid his up-strike. Cordelia had warned me that this was a favored move of the cavalrymen when they were dismounted, so I'd already practiced plenty against this one, too.

I spun around his blow, getting in nice and close and bringing my fist down on his armored collarbone. Which, by dint of my trench knife, cut through the thinner armor near his neck and bit deep enough that I had to wrench the knife back out.

Unfortunately, though, that slowed me down just a fraction of a second, and Wilber brought his brow down on my face, smashing into my cheekbone.

"Argh, ya fucker!" I growled, backpedaling as stars danced before my eyes.

"How do you like it!?" the Knight panted, advancing on me again.

I tried to evade his blow, but I was dazed and moving too slow. With one mighty thrust Wilber shoved his longsword through my stomach and out my back, a shower of blood following it.

He laughed triumphantly as I gagged, blood running up from my throat and down my bearded chin.

"And now honor has been settled!" he announced, jamming his sword deeper into my gut.

"That's enough!" Lissa shrieked from the sidelines.

"Ben, yield!" Chrom called desperately.

I ignored them, grinning weakly up at Wilber.

"H-hey," I growled.

He glanced down at me, frowning.

"I'm still… alive here."

Before Wilber could respond I wrenched my body around, opening my wound further to bring one of my knives up. The dark blade flashed in the dawn sun and a torrent of Wilber's blood splashed onto my face and chest from the artery I'd just severed.

Wilber fell back, pulling his sword out of me with the motion and I cried out with pain, just barely managing to keep my feet as he fell to the lawn, grasping desperately at his throat and gaping like a fish. I watched silently, swaying dangerously, until the light left his eyes and he lay still.

"Now," I panted, spitting up more blood. "Now we're done. Lissa? Healing please."

Duke Burrito and his little entourage stood, staring in horror at the body of their champion as Lissa ran forward with her staff. Chrom came forward, too, supporting me as his sister worked. When I was healed enough that I didn't feel like I was going to fall over again I waved them off, stepping toward the Duke.

"I'd tell you just what I think about you, but unfortunately I wasn't born with enough middle fingers," I growled at the stunned fat man. "There's a change in the world order coming. And you're going to find yourself without a lot of the power you once had. Very. Very soon. That, I promise you. Now get the fuck out, and remember this; a good man just died for your selfish pride."

With that I turned and limped my way back to the Shepherds, all of whom were smiling in relief. Behind me the pissed-off Duke was already storming off, leaving his subordinates to clean up their friend.

"I thought you were going to kill the Duke, too, honestly," Chrom said.

"I wanted to," I sighed. "Honestly, Karma's too slow. I really wanted to just beat the shit out of him now and be done with it."

"That was amazing!" Olivia said.

"Indeed," Cordelia agreed. "I am impressed."

Elle simply nodded profusely, her head looking like it was about to pop off and go flying she was moving it so fast.

Lon'qu nodded his agreement, too, grinning.

"Wait until I teach him how to use a sword," the Feroxi man chuckled.

Tharja hung to the back of the group, smiling softly at me. I grinned back in response, which given my current blood-drenched state was probably more distressing than reassuring, but hey, I was riding the victory high.

"Okay, all done," Lissa said, slapping my side for good measure.

"Good," I groaned, rotating my arm over the hole in my shirt. "Now I'ma go get cleaned up, then I'm going to eat til I'm tired and sleep til I'm hungry. Who's coming?"

AN: I feel like I should explain myself a little here... In writing a self insert I am doing my absolute best to write one that is 'self aware' and takes all the tropes and junk you get in the average Self-Insert and turns them into... well, something entertaining and marginally well written. Hence the sex scene in this chapter. It's not the heaviest sex scene ever, but that's about as Lemon as I can get at this point. Stay tuned, because my semester just ended and I don't have anything better to do with my time but write! Whoop whoop!