Chapter 10

I arrived at the house first and was happy to find that the caretaker had already been by and was gone. Padme and I need to be alone. It would have been nice if I could have waited for her ship to dock, but it's best for us to be seen together as little as possible. The afternoon air is turning colder, so I'll get a fire started while waiting for her to arrive. It shouldn't be long before she's in my arms again. Before I can look into her eyes and see that the Chancellor was misinformed.

Anakin walked around the house, enjoying the feeling of being home. This was his sanctuary. A place where he could be a husband, dream of becoming a father, and appreciate the simple pleasure of hearing the words 'wife' and 'Mrs. Skywalker'. He could wear his wedding ring and do all the other little things normal people took for granted. There were no prophesies here, no expectations. This was a place of love and acceptance. A place he had to be away from, far too much.

Padme was able to visit more often. He wondered if she thought of him when she was here alone. Did her heart ache as much as his did when they were apart? Did she reach out in her sleep, only to find noone there? Was this life fair to her? Always waiting, never knowing when, or if , he would return. It had to be hard on her. He could almost forgive her if she had tried to fill the void, tried to find some comfort. He would forgive her. But a man who would be low enough to take advantage of a vulnerable woman...

He shook off the dark thoughts. Padme was his. She was on her way to him, right now. And he would see. It didn't matter what the Chancellor thought he knew. The truth was all that was important.

He turned the lights on in her small office. He could feel her here. The holos on the walls were a mixture of pictures of the two of them over the past three years, along with the rest of her family. There was only one official portrait, one of her with some other senators. It stood out among the more personal photos. It was out of place, he decided, as he made his way over to her desk, sitting in her chair. Did she sit here and gaze at it? Look longingly at one particular face in the crowd?

Again he scolded himself for dwelling on it. There was no truth to it, no matter how convinced Palpatine had been. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of the room. It was soothing here. Nothing was going to ruin their time together. Nothing.

He ran his fingers over her datapad and picked up a hairclip she had left behind. Seeing the glass cube that held his padawan braid brought a smile to his face.

"She loves me." he said.

There were documents and papers strewn about. When he straightened them, the notepad she kept for her scribbles appeared. His smile widened when he saw what she had written at the top, in bold script. Mrs. Anakin Skywalker
Looking down the page, he saw other notes that ran his blood cold. Alderaan. Flowers. Briefing with Palpatine. Ask Bail about weather- clothing to pack? Instruct Sabe- if Anakin calls.

He was telling himself to remain calm when he felt her arrive. Covering the notes back up, he quickly shut the lights off and went to greet her.

She dropped her bags in the doorway and ran to him.

"Anakin! Oh, Anakin, you're safe! You were gone such a long time. Why weren't you able to contact me?"

He held onto her tightly, afraid to let go.

"I missed you, Padme. The fighting was relentless. Obi Wan was moody. I couldn't get away. I'm sorry."

She pulled back to look at him. "It's okay, I understand. You're here now. And we have five days. It's amazing how this worked out, a miracle. I could almost kiss the Chancellor for making it possible." she laughed but stopped when she saw the look on his face. "What's wrong, Anakin? Something is bothering you."

He looked at her beautiful face, into eyes that were shinning for him and shrugged off the doubt.

"It's nothing, Padme. I just missed you so much. We've been apart for too long."

Her hair felt like silk in his hand. He leaned down to kiss her lips and neck before holding her close to him.

"We're together now. Let's sit by the fire. I have something for you."

She tugged on his hand, leading him to the sofa. He kissed her neck again, while pulling at the hooks on the front of her gown.

"I have something for you, too, Padme." he growled in a suggestive tone.

She grabbed his hands, stopping their progress. "You're a bad boy, Mr. Skywalker," she laughed. "Here," Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out something. "This is for you to hold onto. Something to keep with you to remember my love for you, even when we can't be together."

In her hand, was a small, heart shaped crystal. An Alderaanian crystal. Holding his emotions in check, he picked it up, studying the rainbows it gave off.

"I, uh. I'm not sure what to say. It's beautiful. Where did you get it?"

"Do you like it, Anakin? I know it's an unusual gift for a man, but I thought of you when I saw it."

"You were shopping?" he asked, his voice hopeful.

"No, I found it on Alderaan. The shores of the seas are lined with them after the tides go out. But this one is special. Bail said he's never seen one shaped like a heart, and he's seen thousands of these in his life. I think I was meant to find it. Meant to give it to you. Don't you like it?"

He closed his hand over it and looked at her. Bail. It struck him how easily his wife used another man's first name so casually.

"You visited Alderaan?" He kept his voice light, no hint of the anxiety swirling inside him.

"Yes, about a month ago now. We should go there sometime, you would love it. It's so romantic, walking by the sea at night, the moonlight reflecting off the crystals. Someday we'll do that."

He stood up, no longer trying to hide his suspicion. "You went on a romantic walk with Bail?"

"No, of course not! I was there to visit his wife, Breha. What would make you think that Bail and I..."

"Because you were talking about him. Why were you there?"

She reached out to touch his face but he turned away. "Anakin, are you jealous? There's no reason..."

"I'm off fighting a war, trying to make a better world for us and you're out on moonlit walks with another man! That's not reason to be jealous?"

"Stop this!" She grabbed his hand, refusing to let go. "I went to visit Breha. She and Bail are having a hard time right now and she needed a friend."

"Did he need a friend, too?"

She blanched at the sarcasm in his voice.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, he did. I went for their daughter's funeral. The child Breha was carrying died. She went into labor early and nothing could be done to stop it. They had to operate to save her life, or she would have bled to death. The surgery has made it impossible for her to ever have another baby. I went to be of some comfort. They're both heartbroken. "

Relief and guilt swept over him. A reasonable explanation. Palpatine had seen and heard things, jumping to the wrong conclusions. He should have never doubted his Padme.

"I'm sorry. It's just...I don't know. This is harder than I ever imagined it would be. I hate being away from you for so long. I'm tired, Padme. I didn't mean to question you like that. I'm sorry."

She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled him down so that their foreheads were touching.

"You don't have to be sorry, I understand. It's hard for me, too. You have to know that you're the only one. You always have been and you always will be, Anakin. No matter how far apart we may be or for how long, I'll always be waiting for you to come home to me."

She kissed him lightly, while sliding her hand inside his tunic. He surprised her by stepping back.

"Not yet, my love. Obi Wan and I got in early this morning and it's been a whirlwind since then. I need to clear my thoughts. I want to come to you without weights on my heart or mind. Just a little while?"

"Of course. I'll go see what type of provisions the caretaker left, try and make some dinner. I'll come get you when it's done?"

He nodded. "I'll be out on the veranda. The cool air will help me think." He stopped just before going outside. "Thank you for the gift. I will keep it inside my lightsaber hilt so it's always close to me. Someday, when I'm free, I'll mount it on the outside for the whole world to see. Until then, it will be our secret."

It took me awhile to get used to meditating, to being still. Now I'm glad that Obi Wan was so hard on me, forcing me to concentrate. My emotions threaten to overtake me sometimes and meditation is the only thing that saves me. I knew Padme wouldn't be unfaithful, but I still practically accused her of it. I will make up for it. I have a surprise for her when she wakes. It took me most of the night, but I managed to beat the rain and get finished without disturbing her. If I'm quick, I can maybe catch an hour's sleep. I've been up for nearly thirty hours now, but who's counting? It will all be worth it when she sees the bedroom. I want her to know just how much she means to me. And I would give her anything she asks.

Padme put down the datareader once more, this time to blow her nose and wipe away the tears. Even though he was exhausted, he put in all that work bringing the meadow to her. Obi Wan was right. Anakin's devotion to her knew no bounds.

Despite the bumpy start, those days had been the happiest of her life. For the first time, she felt like they were really married. It didn't seem like a dream anymore, or that they were playing house for a few short hours. Those days solidified their marriage. There had been plenty of physical intimacy, as always, but they had grown closer in mind and spirit as well. It had been perfect up until the last night.

They had spent the day out on the ship, exploring the lake and ending up on their special beach. Anakin didn't seem to mind the sand when they were making love on it. They took a walk through the trees hand in hand, picking flowers and listening to the birds singing along the way. He managed to be funny, charming and sweet, all at the same time. She was fascinated by the things he could do, the way he moved his body when using his jedi powers. Everything he did was amazing.

After the sun had gone down, the two of them snuggled together on the back of the ship, watching the stars come out. They were becoming aware of how quickly their time together was running out. Chancellor Palpatine had requested to see both of them the next morning. She was going back to the mess that was the Senate and he was probably going to be sent out on another mission. It was a bittersweet time. He pointed out different planets he had been to. He told her about being tired of traveling, wanting to be able to stay home with her. They shared wishes and dreams, making promises that would turn out impossible to keep. When the air turned too chilly, they headed back to the house. Within hours, all the beautiful memories they had made together were forgotten.

Padme and I had a horrible fight last night. I still can't believe it. My heart hurts. And so does my head. She gave me some awful drink, telling me it would help me sleep. I'm never doing that again. It was like the past few days never happened. Like we were two different people. Maybe it was the strain of knowing we had to return today. We had grown so close. Now I feel like we are farther apart than ever. I'm supposed to be in the Chancellor's office in five minutes. She will be there. I want this all to be over. I want to go back to the way things were. If only I could take back last night...

Silence settled in between us after I secured the ship and helped her onto the dock. Both of us were lost in thought, dreading the morning. We showered together, studying one another, trying desparately to memorize every detail. It would probably be a long time before we would have a private moment like this again. I wanted to pour my heart out to her, beg her to throw everything away. Let us both run from the rest of the world. But I knew that was just a dream. A wonderful, impossible dream.

We went to our bedroom. The flowers were starting to wilt and die, adding to the somber mood. I lit a fire and watched her in the mirror, drying her hair. She was so beautiful. Thoughts of Bail Organa's wife popped into my head. His unfortunate, damaged wife. The loss he was feeling must be incredible. Maybe he would look for solace in Padme when she returned and I would not be there to stop him. Jealousy started to rise in me again, but I quickly squashed it. Our last night would not be ruined with thoughts of him. Padme loved me.

She caught me looking at her and gave me one of her smiles that makes my stomach drop. I carried her to the bed, waving my hand to dim the lights. We made love slowly, that last time. I wanted to remember everything, the feel of her skin, the taste of her lips, the need in her eyes. We spoke softly to one another. I wanted her to know how much she meant to me, how much what we were doing meant to me. It was so much more than just a physical act. As we finished, I could feel the tears building in my eyes, not in sadness, but in joy. I was whole with her. Nothing could come between us, ever. That's what I was thinking as I started to drift off, holding her close to me. We were going to have a beautiful life...

Afterward, he lay on his side, snuggled in close to her. He let his hand slowly trail it's way down her body, coming to rest on her stomach. She could feel him relaxing, reaching toward sleep as his gentle breath on her check became slow and rythmic. She felt complete. Loved and complete. With a sigh, she closed her eyes and began to let go of all thought. Through the haze of sleep, she could feel him stroking her middle. He moaned softly and gave her ear a light kiss before whispering the words that startled her back to consciousness.

"Mmmm... I want you to be pregnant, Padme."

She looked at his face, so youthful in the peace of sleep. Was he even aware of what he said? His touch continued pressing gently on her. A wave of panic washed over her and she pushed him away, sitting up abruptly.

"Anakin, stop!"

He sat up with a start, confused and shaken. "What's wrong?" He searched her face carefully as his eyes began to focus.

"Do you know what you just said?"

He was shocked by the horror in her voice. Rubbing his forehead with one hand, he worked to clear the cobwebs of sleep from his mind.

"I was thinking about the future. Picturing you all round and beautiful with my baby inside you. What's the matter?"

"You shouldn't say such things! Don't touch me like that. You shouldn't be tempting the force in such ways."

"Tempting the force? Padme, what are you talking about? I was only dreaming of the future. Wishing it could be now. Why are you so mad at me?"

He shifted himself up into a more comfortable position with his back leaning against the pillows on the headboard, watching as she pulled her nightgown down over her head.

"We can't have a baby! You shouldn't be touching me in that way. I can't get pregnant now."

He started laughing but quickly stopped when he saw there was no amusement in her face. Still trying to lighten the mood, he held up his hands in front of her and said,
"If I'm going to get you pregnant, believe me, it won't be with one of these."

Instead of diffusing the situation, it only made it worse. Her eyes narrowed as she crossed her arms tightly around herself, taking a defensive stance.

"You can move things with a blink of your eye. A mere thought of yours wields more power than can be imagined. Just you touching me there, speaking those words aloud..." her thoughts trailed off as her eyes widened as though she were seeing something unspeakable.

He reached out to her but she pulled away in anger. "Don't!" she hissed

Anakin was overcome with disbelief and hurt. A touch of anger began to rise in him. Reaching into his soul he tried to find the control he had worked so many years to master. He swung his legs off the side of the bed and pulled his pants on as he stood up. After pacing around the room for a few minutes, bringing himself fully awake and releasing the threatening emotions inside him, he made his way over to Padme's side of the bed. A flick of his wrist brought a chair close by and he sat on the edge.

She watched him lean forward, elbows resting on his knees. He smiled at her then. Almost shyly.

"Padme, it doesn't work like that. I couldn't do that even if I wanted to," he was looking at her intently now. "Why does the thought of having my baby upset you so? Don't you want children?"

She considered the question carefully. "I did. I don't know anymore. And definately not now."

A crease formed on his brow. "You don't know? Ever? I mean, I know now is a bad time but in the future... The war will be over soon. We're close to ending this. The first thing I plan to do is resign from the order. Come home to you. Begin our life out of the shadows. No more hiding. Start our family. A baby. Our baby. Soon, Padme. You don't want that?"

She could hear the pain in his voice. It hurt her to see him like this but she had to be honest about her feelings.

"I really don't know. Maybe someday in the future. The end of the war won't change things that drastically. I'll be busier than ever in the Senate. There will be so much rebuilding to do. There's no time for a baby. You can't leave the order. They'll need you even more then. You knew when we married that our life together could never be normal. You knew that!" the words came spilling out in a jumble.

He blinked several times, taking in her words.

"I can leave the order and I'm going to. I've seen three years of war, three years of atrocities that can never be wiped from my mind. I just want a normal life with you. Peace. It can be that way. But only if you want it."

" I've worked my whole life for the better of my people. It's all I know. Being a jedi is all you know. How can we both just walk away from that? How can we let ourselves be disgraced like that? What will they all say when they realize what we've done? The lies, the deceit? We'll be reduced to nothing in their eyes. You want to bring a baby into the middle of all that?"

"Our love is not a lie. Yes, there will be disappointment in us. But we followed our hearts. We have stuck by our commitments even though we've been married for three years. That should be in our favor when they finally find out."

"Stop it! I can't. I don't want the world to know."

He flinched as though he had been slapped across the face. "You're ashamed of us. Of me. Did you ever have any intention of letting our secret out?"

"I told you if you followed it through to conclusion, that it would destroy us! I love you. But we're not allowed to love. I'm not ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of what we've done. What we've become. We're liars. We've been lying to everyone around us- those who trust us and put faith in us. We made this decision. We have to stick to it. We have to continue to live the lie. Don't you understand that?"

He lowered his head into his hands and stared down at the floor.

"If you intend for the charade to go on forever..." he paused, thinking. "You never mentioned any of this to me before. Everytime I get leave, I come to you. How many times over these years? This time. Five days have already passed. If you were ever afraid of my getting you pregnant, why didn't you voice your concerns before this?"

She shook her head, unsure of where his questions were leading. There was little emotion in his voice. He seemed detached.

"If we must live this lie, there can never be a child between us. How would you handle that disgrace? You couldn't hide a pregnancy forever. The baby would eventually be born. It would be better for your people to see you with a fatherless child than a jedi husband who broke the code?"

"That's why I got upset thinking you could use the force, even by accident to... It won't happen, Ani. I take all the proper precautions. It can't happen."

He laughed then. But it had a bitter sound to it.

"Nothing is fool-proof, Padme. Surely you know that. We have been very lucky. But the time could come when our luck runs out. What would you do? Even now. What if your precious shields go down, Padme? What if my men are approaching the palace right now, even as we speak? We take a risk everytime! In the back of my mind, I know this. And there's a part of me that wouldn't care. A part that would be relieved to let the truth out. The part of me that wants to acknowledge our love publicly. Why do you think I agreed when you insisted on being the one to handle the precautions? I want to be a father. But I want it to be right. And I wanted you to be right with it, when it happens. I would never force my will on you. If I had been in charge of things, I might have been careless. Not on purpose, of course. But maybe I wouldn't have been as careful as you. What if the unspeakable does happen? Will you run from me? Do I get to be "Uncle Anakin"? Is that your plan? If you follow any of those thoughts to conclusion, you'll see that I would never agree to any of that."

She could see the tension in his body. His jaw was set and his shoulders were rigid. His whole body was trembling slightly. She reached out for the clenched fist of his real hand, smoothing it out in her own.

"I'm sorry, Anakin. I'm just scared. Who knows what the future holds? Someday, we will have a baby. But it will probably be a long time off. The truth will have to come out eventually. I know this. Let's just forget it. Go back to the way it's been, the way it has to be for now. Let's enjoy our precious little time together. I love you. We have to live in the now. Who knows what the future holds?"

"I do," he stated matter of factly. She looked at him expectantly.

"A beautiful baby girl. Brown eyes so deep you could get lost in them. Daddy's princess." he smiled, his eyes seeing something her's could not. "And a little boy with my hair and your smile."

He thought a moment and then turned his focus on her. "But the future is always in motion, Padme. The decisions we make today, can alter the reality of tomorrow. You never answered my question. What happens if the force blesses us with a child before you think it's time? "

She pulled away from him then, sitting back on the bed and hugging her knees to her chest. "I cannot answer that. It depends when. And where you are. What's going on in the galaxy. "

"What if all is the same as right now. What if you found out tomorrow? Right before I was about to leave? Would you tell me?"

"What would you do, Anakin?"

"I've thought about it a lot, actually. So many nights spent away from you. Sleeping on some cold, hard ground, listening to Obi Wan snore." he smiled at her. A genuinely happy smile.

"I'd be terrified at first, then it would be the happiest day of my life. Obi Wan would be in for some dark confessions and there would be consequences. But I wouldn't care. It would work out. What about you? Truthfully."

A single tear ran down her check and she whispered, "I really don't know".

He felt her indecision and fear. He opened his arms in a welcoming gesture and she climbed onto his lap and rested her head on his shoulder. He wanted to make it all right. Make her see the future as he did. Curling his fingers in her hair, he searched for the right words to make it better between them. Using the force to find his center, he tuned into her feelings. Her words came into his head as clearly as if she had spoken them aloud.

"A mistake can be corrected."

The hair on his arms went up and his throat went dry. He forgot to breathe as he waited, hopeful her next thoughts would clear up the pain in his chest. The truth radiated from her, turning a cold knife in his heart. He stood and placed her on the bed, afraid of where his own thoughts were leading him to.

She saw the agony on his face as he stormed for the doorway. She was about to call his name when he stopped abruptly.

"By corrected...you mean erased. Don't you?"

Chills ran up her spine as she realized how angry he was and how hard he was struggling to keep control. "No," she said weakly.

He whirled around and stomped back to the bed. Through clenched teeth he asked, "Have you ever corrected one of our mistakes, Padme?"

Tears were streaming down his face. She could see his pulse at his temples. A dark metal finger pointed at her accusingly.
She shook her head forcefully, fear shining in her eyes. "Never! Never Anakin. It was just a thought. A passing thought. I could never..."

"You better never!" he screamed. "A mistake? How could you even use that word? "

"I didn't mean it that way...I didn't. Anakin, please. You're scaring me."

He looked down at his hand that had become a menacing fist. He dropped it to his side. His breathing slowed and his anger lessened.

"I'm sorry. I could never hurt you. Just...don't you EVER do that. Ever. I would know. I would find out. And I would never forgive you for that. Never."

"Never Anakin. I'm sorry."

He sat on his side of the bed facing away from her. An uncomfortable silence settled between them. She watched as he fidgeted nervously, running his hands through his hair and looking around the room.

It felt like everything came crashing down on me at that moment. She was ashamed of me! Of us! The past five days had been a lie. The thought of having my child practically made her sick with fear and revulsion. The fact that she could have even a passing thought about destroying something so precious terrified and angered me. Unwanted visions came into my head. Cadia's beautiful face. The picture of Bail Organa standing next to my wife. His baby girl, cold and lifeless in the ground. Reen, the lying dog I was too young to kill. Something snapped and I couldn't hold it in any longer. In a rage, I grabbed up all the flowers, throwing them into the fire. I told her how spoiled she was, that her life of privilege had blinded her. She had options that others would have given their life for! The sound of the last glass container shattering broke through my tantrum. Padme was curled up on the bed, fear etched on her face. Regret washed over me and I sank to my knees, begging her forgiveness for my outburst. I was scared and angry, but I would never hurt her. Could never hurt her.

"I'm sorry, Padme! You just don't understand. I can take care of you! You wouldn't have to face it alone. Who cares what the world thinks? We could walk away from all of this. Even if it meant giving up everything. There isn't a ship I can't pilot or a droid I can't fix. I'm used to hard work. You might not have fancy gowns and things like you do now, but you would never go without. I would be by your side the whole time. "

She walked over to him, cautiously kneeling down with him. "I'm sorry, too. It was just a thought. I promise you, on my life, that I would never do anything like that. I promise. "

They held each other for awhile, crying together. The clock in the hall started chiming, announcing the late hour.

"Padme, promise me you'll think of me. Don't let anyone come between us. Men can be like rutting dogs when they want something, just remember that."

She didn't understand what he was talking about.
"Anakin, it's late and we're both upset. Let's sleep on it and we can talk in the morning before leaving. Things will seem much clearer then."

He pulled away from her and began pacing again. "I don't think I can sleep. There is so much I wish I could explain to you."

"Hold on, I know just the thing." She left the room, returning a few minutes later with two glasses of amber liquid. Handing one to him, she said, "Drink this. Straight down, don't hesitate."

He frowned. "You know I hate this stuff. It smells like Bantha waste."

"Just drink it. It will make you feel better, help you sleep. Everything will be better in the morning. We both just need to calm down now."

He watched as she lifted the glass to her lips and drained it. "I guess if you can do it, so can I."

He started choking as soon as it hit his throat. "It burns!" She patted him on the back as he tried to control the coughing. "Are you trying to kill me?" he moaned.

"It's not that bad. You just aren't used to it."

He grabbed onto her arm. "The room is spinning. Is that normal? I think I might throw up."

"Shh... Quiet down. Here, " she led him to the bed. "I guess it wasn't wise, giving that to you on an empty stomach. Lay down and take some slow breaths. You should fall asleep soon."

He pulled the blankets down and climbed under them. "Don't hate me, Padme."

"I won't."

He was starting to relax, closing his eyes as she rubbed his head.

"I don't want you to think of me as a failure. I tried. It just wasn't good enough."

He was talking nonsense from the liquor, she figured.

"I know." She talked softly, trying to soothe him.

"Don't trust him. Men lie to get what they want."

"Okay, I won't."

His breathing slowed and all tension left his body. She ruffled his hair and kissed him gently on the cheek. " I love you, Anakin," she whispered.

He smiled and moaned softly. "Hmm...Goodnight. I love you, Kayna."