I'm weak, I'm a failure, I'm pathetic Chapter 9, a naruto fanfic

Three days has passed since I ran away. I haven't contacted my family. Not that they would care. I didn't even go outside. I prefer to stay in the shadows of the apartment while Kurenai-sensei went to work. I didn't eat. The only nourishment I have is the food Kurenai forced on me. I am the spitting image of death. I wonder if someone noticed I was gone, if they actually wondered where I was. If they thought that I was dead. To tell you the truth, I think I would have even considered me loco enough to suicide. The way Gaara saw me with his worried face could attribute further to my belief. He only looks at me one other time like that, and that was when I attempted suicide. He looked so worry, I can't even explain. The only thing I can tell you is that it broke my heart to see him like that. He looked worst than a kitten in the rain. His eyes full with sorrow, the way his arm was extended and his hand was trying to reach me like a child would only broke me further. I want to see him. I bet he is the only one that cares about me. He was the only one that actually ran after me.

Is he sad?

I think so.

Does he know where I am?

No.

I know for a fact that Kurenai-sensei didn't tell a soul where I was. It was a secret agreement between the two of us that she wouldn't break. She wouldn't.

Have I been selfish? Yes I have. Only thinking about my sorrow, my sadness, my feelings, everything. Why can't I move on? Have I really reached rock bottom? Am I really that broken? Did that man's wish to see me rot from the inside out has really been fulfilled? Am I only the shell of the person I was?

"I'm weak, I'm a failure, I'm pathetic."

Kurenai-sensei came in like any other day today. She bid me a good afternoon and started doing paper work. Apparently she needed to correct a test. A test I missed probably. We didn't talk; we just stood in each others presence in silence. I like her. She knows when to talk and when to appreciate a quiet moment. She's been so kind to me, so understanding. She didn't even ask me anything. She didn't even push me to spill my guts out. She just stood next to me, reassuring me that she would be there if I needed her. She could have driven me to my father and dropped me there so he would take responsibility of me, but she didn't. I owe her. I owe her a lot.

"I think you should return tomorrow" She didn't look up from grading the paper she was on. I was petrified for a good ten minutes.

Could I actually return to that hell? Am I ready to? No I can't. No I'm not. But it is the only thing Kurenai-sensei has asked me since I came to this apartment. I owe her so much. I just can't keep on greedily taking all her hospitality. She is nothing to me but my teacher. Why can't I just agree to do the only thing I could do to repay her? To show her that I'm better? Why am I so selfish?

"I-I guess I could?" My voice was raspy from the lack of use. My tone could be in the borderline of a question, instead of the statement it should be.

"What honey?" She was too engulf in her work and didn't hear my delay response.

"I'm going back to school tomorrow." The second answer was filled with finality. I have to return sometime, it is better now or never.

"Great Hinata I'm so proud of you." She hugged me and started to rant about the things I needed to prepare for tomorrow. I blanked out, nodding my head every once in a while and appearing as if I was listening to her.

Tomorrow will be hell. I just know it.

Kurenai-sensei took me to the head mistress office herself. She didn't have a homeroom so she didn't care if we came late. We came in a minute after the bell had rung. Kurenai-sensei thought that it would be better if I came to school with her. I think she didn't trust me enough to come alone. We walked side by side. I felt reassured with her presence. It calmed my nerves, even if it was for just a little. I was wearing a black sundress she had lent me with a white T-shirt underneath. My hair was down. She said that this would show the NEW Hinata, the one that got over the whole video tape incident. She said this would show them that I can't be torn apart. It is all a lie. But I have to walk in with my chin held high because she wants me to. She wants to see me get better, to stop being depressed. I can't just tell her that I think this will turn into a disaster, that I can't face them because I'm a coward, that I'm not ready for this. But I know that she can see this herself. I know she sees how distant I am. How unresponsive and afraid. Even if I'm cooperating by going to school and facing the world, she can still see that I'm not okay. That I can't even force myself to smile. I know she knows because her eyes sadden every time she looks at me and her smile isn't as sincere as it usually is.

We reached the office and she left me with Tsunade.

"I'm glad that you are feeling better Hinata, welcome back." her voice was soft and soothing, not like the first time I met her. She smiles at me. "I have all your stuff here." She gave me my belongings that I had left the day I ran away. I didn't know what to do so I just nodded. I felt lost, helplessly lost. "Your father will come pick you up after school, he's been told of your whereabouts." I froze when she mentions my father. She pauses when she saw my reaction. She clears her throat. "We have given him the video tape, he didn't file a missing report to the police so we don't have to worry about that." It seems that she didn't like my father that much by the way she was greeting her teeth and she had a nervous tick on her left eyebrow. And the fact that she sounded totally disapproving of my father's action added to my suspicion.

"Kakashi will take you to your homeroom." As she said this Kakashi-sensei came in. book in hand.

"Welcome back Hinata-chan" He gave me those smiles of his hidden behind his mask. I nodded again and got up from my seat and started to walk to the door.

The walk was quiet. The distance from the office to Kakashi-sensei's room seemed endless. I didn't try to start a conversation; no I was retreating back into my shell. I'm not ready to face them. To be ridiculed by them. But I want to see Gaara, my friend. I want to make Kurenai-sensei proud, to show her that I'm better and that I got over the whole thing. I want to be strong for once. I know that's impossible.

I'm scared. I'm having second thoughts about it, I'm shutting off everyone. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want them to pity me. I hate their pity. It makes me feel weak. Weaker than I am, a spark of anger flashed through my eyes. I hate them.

When we got to Kakashi-sensei's door he went in first. I could hear the class scream at him that he was late and that they didn't believe his excuse even before he told them the reason.

"But this time I do have a plausible excuse for my tardiness." Everyone grunted in disbelief. "I went to go fetch Hinata." Now this is the first time I heard the class go so quiet. Everyone seems to be petrified when I enter. They all had pity, regret, and disbelief written in their faces. I hate them. I gave them all a blank, cold stare. The only reaction I wanted to see was Gaara's. His face looked stoic but his eyes showed happiness and mild disbelief. I kept his gaze while I smiled on the inside. He cares. He cares.

I walked to my desk in front of him. His face might not portray any emotion but his eye told me everything. They told me that he was worried about me, that he was sad that I ran away, that he wanted to know where I was, that he thought I would have never come back, that he was happy to see me, that he was my friend and I should trust him.

MY eyes told him what I felt too. That I was sorry for leaving him, that I was happy to see him again, that I was sorry for making him worry, that I regretted not contacting him.

Our little eye conversation, that seems to have gone on for like eternity, was interrupted when my cousin came into view.

"Where have you been Hinata?" Why did he sound worried? Why was he standing there, next to my desk, with a look of pity and regret? He has no right to pity me. He had no right to worry about me. He hadn't before and he shouldn't now. He knew my mom had died. Why did he have to change now? I don't need this.

"NOT LIKE YOU CARE WHERE I WAS." I was infuriated. Everyone in the class turn to look at me. Why were their faces filled with pity and regret? "Not like anyone care before, why should you care now?" My voice was filled with malicious and anger. My eyes were stormed.

Everyone seems shocked. I have never lashed out at anyone. I didn't stutter either. I would have felt accomplished if I wasn't so mad, so angry. After the little episode I calmed down and stared ahead. My eyes were unfocused and I was once again unresponsive. I know I shouldn't have come. I'm not ready to face them. I'm not ready to face my father. I just can't do it.

"I'm weak, I'm a failure, and I'm pathetic."