Ninth Anniversary: The Pottery or Willow Anniversary (18th July 2017)

Twinkle twinkle twinkle little star

Raindrops on a window pane

Stillness of a summer rain

Silently the haze drifts through the trees

Slowly dawn is breaking through

Yet a morning without you

As Donna and Sam's ninth Anniversary dawned, Donna is sat staring at her reflection in her mirror. She takes a breath before going into the drawer where she keeps her scarves. Those scarves had become part of her everyday life, but because of this everyone knew what was wrong with her as soon as they saw her. That's when the pitying looks came in. She felt like a thing, hardly a person, to be stared at or whispered about behind her back. Donna didn't mind this but sometimes felt the urge to ask if they wanted to take a picture, because in her mind it would last longer than she would. It had been just under a year since she'd visited the doctor for the second time, to have her diagnosis confirmed. After a rigorous six months of tests it had come back with what she had expected. However this time she was told that it was inoperable and there was nothing more they could do for her. Donna was told to make herself comfortable and to do whatever she wanted while she still had the chance.

Sam had come with and had dissolved in tears when they were told. Donna had gone into shock, images running through her mind. But what were they going to say to Sophie and Cassie, both of them would be inconsolable. That was her main concern, not herself but all the people around her that she loved. There was no way to lesson anyone's pain. It was like a bomb waiting to go off and it would leave devastation in its wake and she didn't know how to stop it. When she broke down in tears these were her immediate thoughts, she didn't matter.

Since the diagnosis everyone was treating her with kid gloves, which she hated but understood because that was the only way they could cope. At least it was better than seeing or hearing her granddaughter's pain again. Sophie's reaction hadn't been much better. The one person who loved her and had supported her, her whole life through was dying and wouldn't be here much longer. This hurt like a bullet to her heart and she had spent hours and hours crying about the reality of her mother not being there anymore. Sophie knew that her pain was just a graze compared to Cassie's, when she found out the truth. When Sam and she had finally summed up the courage to tell Cassie, their granddaughter's smiling face had made them put off the inevitable. Both Donna and Sam figured it was best for her but as time wore on they knew if they didn't tell her it would be too late. So that afternoon, as they went for their normal walk along the shoreline, they asked Cassie if she'd like to go with them, with the full intention of telling her. As the treatment had taken hold of Donna's body, she had been sick and experienced other side effects, they had lied to hide the truth. They knew the lies had to stop because if the worst happened to her grandmother they all knew that she wouldn't be able to forgive any of them.

As usual Cassie ran in front of her grandparents, skipping along happily. She loved spending time with them, possibly more than she did with Sophie. As the couple walked hand in hand behind her, Donna felt apprehension building. She grabbed hold of Sam's hand and squeezed hard. In that one action Sam could tell Donna was extremely scared.

'We are going to have to tell her soon you know. We can't put it off forever.'

'I know but give her five more minutes of happiness before her whole world comes crashing down.'

'Ok.' Sam smiles at her and they stand looking at Cassie. She is dipping her feet into the ocean and giggling as the little ripples wash over her feet. Sam calls his granddaughter's name and she runs back up to them, a huge smile plastered over her face. They continue to walk up to the chapel where they had gotten married. Cassie had talked about going there ever since she could talk, she viewed her grandparent's romance as a fairy tale. When they finally got to the chapel, they both stopped at the stone step where Donna had serenaded her husband all those years ago. The place that had cemented Sam's love for her. As Cassie continued up the step, eager to enter the chapel, Donna followed her granddaughter, grabbed her round the waist and spun her round and just for a moment everything seemed right in the world. All Donna could hear was her granddaughter's delight.

She placed her granddaughter down and together they sat looking at the magnificent view. Donna took her granddaughter's hand, which was still soft and unblemished and drew circle into it, not knowing where to begin. But Cassie, as if sensing her grandma's internal struggle, speaks.

'Is everything ok nana? You've been quiet these last few days.'

Donna shakes her head softly, deciding to bite the bullet she speaks softly. 'No baby. It's not. You know I've been telling you that I've been feeling poorly lately?' Cassie nods her head and Donna continues. 'Well I've been to the hospital to see if they could give me something to make me feel better.'

'And did they?'

'They did but the treatment they gave me will only last so long. In the next few months I will get even more ill. Sometimes I might be ill because of the treatment but if I am I don't want you to worry or be scared. These drugs will only make me better for so long. Then I will be an angel looking down on you. But I will no longer be in any pain. Do you understand?'

'Do you mean you will be going to heaven? Because if it does I never want you to go.' Cassie says her voice thick from unshed tears.

'Yes I will and even though you won't be able to see me, you will always be able to feel me. I will always be with you whatever you do or wherever you go.' With that Cassie becomes inconsolable. Donna holds her close not ever wanting to let go.

'But I don't want you to go, I really don't.' Cassie almost screams these words into Donna, letting out all her emotion, anger and devastation in that moment. Donna cuddles her close and whispers. 'I don't think it works like that because trust me if it did, I wouldn't be going anywhere. But one thing I have learnt from being so poorly is that you have to make the most of life while you can. Because you can't decide what happens.' Donna kisses the top of Cassie's head and continues to cuddle her close as she cries. Donna and Sam stay like this for over an hour. Eventually Cassie's cries soften as she becomes sleepy. They wait until she is asleep completely. Sam lifts his granddaughter up and carries her, the movement causes Cassie's eyes to flutter open. She reaches for Donna's hand and Donna holds it. Cassie mumbles in her sleep, barely audible.

'Nana, please don't leave me'

'It's alright baby, I'm here. Now go back to sleep.'

The gentle swaying, as Sam walks, lulls her to fall asleep once more. The sun hangs low in the sky as they walk back home.

Seems to me you shine your light

Down to me to say goodnight

Twinkle twinkle my old friend

Sleep is waiting round the bend

As the months wore on Donna became increasingly weaker. To Sam she seemed to be getting smaller, both in size and in stature. He felt there was nothing he could do for her. Even though Donna said all he needed to do was be there when times got hard, not only for his wife but for his family too. Donna was getting to the stage where she was unable to walk up the stairs on her own but at the same time she wanted to act as if nothing was changing, so that she would still be able to enjoy her family's company, until the day when it would be impossible to do so. Her clothes just hung off her as she was now skin and bone. Sam was just watching his wife waste away to nothing. Every day something would be ever so slightly different about Donna as the cancer overtook her. However there was one thing that never changed, one thing that was undeniably Donna, the one thing that let Sam, know his wife was still in there despite her outward appearance. Her eyes never lost their sparkle, particularly when she laughed, smiled or saw their gorgeous family.

The hospital on the mainland had told Donna she should stay in hospital so that they could monitor her treatment. However both her and Sam were adamant in their refusal. Sam said he would look after his wife and despite Donna's protestations, that Sam shouldn't do this, Sam wouldn't hear any of it. Their vows had stated for better or for worse and he fully wanted to abide by them. Regardless of his failed marriage, he had now learnt from the mistakes he had made and was determined to support his wife. Because he adored her more than anything else in the world.

But the reality of Donna's situation became bleaker with every passing day. Every evening Sam would carry his frail wife upstairs, give her the appropriate medications, more often than not some morphine to help ease her pain and kiss her goodnight, hoping against hope that the next day wouldn't be her last. As her disease progressed and she was no longer capable of doing the simplest tasks herself, let alone getting out of bed, Cassie, had actually been quite helpful and calm considering the events that were happening around her. They all weren't sure whether she fully understood what was going on. However every evening, when Donna was sleeping, Cassie would snuggle up to her grandma and read to her, because they had been told by several nurses and doctors, that even though she was sleeping, she would still be able to hear them. In her more lucid moments Sam would go up to their bedroom wanting to spend every precious moment he had left with his wife. They would do all sorts together, though their favourite was to reminisce over their memories of days gone by. One day, while they were talking, Donna suddenly became serious, causing Sam to worry.

'Sam I'm OK but I need to talk to you and I need you to listen, properly.'

'Isn't that what I always do?' But his light hearted joke fell on deaf eyes as Donna was too caught up in her in trying to tell him what she needed before it was too late.

'No Donna, we aren't having this conversation. Not yet.'

'Well when then? We might not another chance, please Sam. I want you to promise me something.'

'What?'

Look after Soph and Cassie for both of us. When I go, because as much as we don't want to admit it I am going to die Sam. They will not be able to cope and will probably find it difficult to accept. I ask you to please take care of them and love them so much it will feel like your heart will burst. Now about Cassie, spoil her rotten, only shout when absolutely necessary and above all be her best friend. She needs you.'

'I promise my love.' Sam whispers, his eyes bright.

'Thank you.' The word trails off as Donna drifts back off to sleep.

If Donna was asleep, Sam would just go up to hold her hand, more for his comfort than hers. He felt he had to hold onto the last tangible vestiges of their lives together. However that was about to change.

One morning, a month after their ninth anniversary, Donna woke in excruciating pain. It was so bad that Sam had to call the paramedics to help her because even the amount of morphine he was allowed to give wasn't touching it. The paramedics increased her dosage but told the family to expect the worst. In order to lessen her pain, the amount of morphine needed was so great that she was unlikely to ever fully wake up again. Sam spent day and night talking to his wife about anything and everything, just so he didn't feel alone. Even though he had Sophie and Cassie, the love he had for them was nothing compared to the love he had for his wife. He didn't know what he was going to do without her but he wouldn't contemplate that until he had to. In his mind Donna would come back to him even if it was only for a second.

A few more weeks past and Donna's condition remained the same. Sam looked out of the window at the sun streaming into their shared bedroom, while massaging Donna's hand. He heard birds singing and waves as they rolled to the shore. It was a perfect day. Sam felt calm as he looked at his wife's lifeless form.

'You can go now my love.' Sam whispered to her as he brushed a stray strand of hair from her face. It was then that he felt the slightest bit of pressure on his arm. Donna's eyes flickered open but they now looked dull, all sparkle gone from them. Sam knew he was losing her then. However she looked over at their chest of drawers with a knowing look in her eye. Sam had learnt his wife's body language and knew that she wanted him to go over to it and find something for her. He went over to the drawers and started opening them but couldn't find anything until he spotted Sophie's old jewellery box with the ballerina inside.

'This?' Donna lifted her head ever so slightly in affirmation. Sam sat on the bed, his hands shaking as he opened the box but there was nothing inside. Donna nudged him slightly. He lifted the ballerina up to reveal a secret compartment underneath. Crammed into the small space there were letters, each one addressed to the special people in her life. When he came across his, his hands started shake again as he picked it up. Donna's hand writing was no longer the smooth calligraphy it had once been but he could see remnants of her in its jagged style. He had no idea when Donna had written these and even more miraculous, she had been able to keep them a secret. Donna squeezed his hand in order to tell not to read it yet. The day continued and Donna once again slipped away. When she woke once more it was evening and the sun was casting an orange hue onto walls of their room.

When Donna shifted her head slightly, her blurred vision detected the outlines of the entirety of her friends and family around their bed. Sam was standing closest, once again holding her hand, she doubted he'd ever let it go. He kissed her lightly on the forehead. She didn't need to see them to understand how upset they all were. It then that Cassie came to stand next to her grandmother and somehow in her dazed state, Donna managed to reach out to touch her granddaughter's face, trying to wipe away the river of tears rolling down her face. Sophie also came to stand closer to her mother and Donna gently took hold of her daughter's fingertips, in her last show of love.

'I love you so much Donna. You don't know how much you have changed my life, just by being in it. You have given me the second best thing I've had in my life. A beautiful daughter who will remind me of you every day, thank you for that. The first best thing you did for me was say yes to my proposal and allow me to spend the rest of my life with you. My only regret is that we didn't get together when we were younger so we could have spent more of our lives together'. Sam whispers before giving her one last kiss.

With that Donna slipped away, just like the sun that was disappearing quietly below the horizon.

A week later, Sophie gave something to Sam, something he would treasure for the rest of his life. It was memory book, where he could place photos and write down memories of his and Donna's time together. But that wasn't the most spectacular thing about it. It was made from willow and when opened, it was inscribed, on the back of the front cover, with important dates of their married life together. Written underneath was a small verse from one of Donna's early songs.

Finally when darkness falls

Casting shadows on the walls

In the twilight hour I am alone

Sitting near the fireplace

Dying embers warm my face