Chapter 10: Running Mates
Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
The episode starts with Lois making a sign outside the Griffin household with John and Tyler next to her helping as assistants where it then panned to Stewie on the left of the screen laying on the lawn with Rupert.
"I say, Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively divine!" Stewie praised Rupert grabbing a handful of dirt and then eating it, "Mm. Mm. Excellent texture, provocative support. *swallow* Try another, you say? Well, aren't I the wicked one?" He grabbed another handful of dirt and was about to eat it before Lois came in and noticed what he was doing.
"Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt. It's disgusting." Lois told Stewie dusting off the dirt from his hand and then picking him up.
"Oh, and I suppose the billious curds you force-fed me from your teat were perfectly fine, then?" Stewie ridiculed Lois, who, of course didn't understand him.
"Boys, would you mind holding Stewie?" Lois asked the duo.
"Uh... sure, Mr. Griffin..." John answered as Lois handed him her baby before turning to Quagmire, "Hey, Quagmire, can you take Stewie off my hands?"
"Sure. Why?" Quagmire asked.
"No reason." John replied handing Stewie over to Quagmire.
"Oh, well, said and done." Quagmire shrugged, "Hey, there, spud in the mud."
"Ugh!" Stewie reacted disgusted, "Good Lord! Do you bathe in Aqua Velva?"
"Hi, Lois." Cleveland stopped by greeting Lois while holding a campaign sign, which is what Lois was making, "You've got our votes."
"Thank you, Cleveland." Lois thanked Cleveland getting up.
"Votes for what?" John asked Cleveland.
"Is the presidential election here already?" Tyler asked.
"No, Tyler, that's next year." Cleveland responded informing Tyler.
"Aww..." Tyler moped.
"Actually, boys, I'm running for school board president." Lois informed the duo.
"Wow. A school made out of a board working for the White House." John assumed.
"No, no, no. School board president is someone who tries to help the school they work at." Lois explained, "Someone has to run against that awful Betsy Lebeau. She actually opposes background checks for new teachers!"
"What?!" John reacted.
"That's crazy!" Tyler reacted also.
"Exactly." Lois said, "God knows who she might hire."
"Maybe a sex-offender or something." Tyler said jokingly.
"Heh-heh. Good one." John said.
Cutaway #1
It showed a classroom where the teacher was talking to the students while they wrote down notes.
"So, the square of a hypotenuse, which we will label C..." The teacher explained walking slowly to the board passing by between students, "...making the sides opposite both of the acute angles A and B..." He then turned his back at a blonde girl handing out a card. The girl shifted her eyes to the teacher before focusing her eyes on the card he was holding and took it. As he walked by, the girl read the card, 'DO YOU LIKE ME? YES. NO.', "...will always equal the sum of the squares of the other sides. Any questions?" The teache's face then make a big grin on his face.
End
John and Tyler were speechless at the cutaway they saw.
"Okay, I take that back." Tyler said.
"It's just something I have to do." Lois said, "Even if winning means spending time out of the house and away from my family."
"Out of the house?" Stewie repeated, "Why, Id be free from your oppressive gynocracy! What the deuce are you standing there for? You should be out giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies!"
Lois then kissed Stewie's forehead, much to his chagrin. John and Tyler made a Nelson laugh at Stewie's misfortune.
"Not this baby..." Stewie muttered.
"Hey, Lois, you seen my pants?" Peter asked Lois walkig out of the house pantsless when laughter was heard and panned to an actual studio audience across the street.
"Boy, I'll be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood." Peter said.
"When did they get here?" Tyler asked confused by the studio audiences' sudden appearance which was answered bluntly by John shrugging.
"Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?" Peter asked about the campaign sign set up.
"Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for school board." Lois reminded Peter, "You never listen to me."
"Oh, yeah, I remember." Peter remembered, "Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire. Hey, John. Hey, Tyler." He turned to the sign again, "Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?"
"Uh, you guys?" Brian stepped out and said to Peter and Lois, "Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble."
The studio audience across the street ooed at the news.
"Ugh, that's it! I'm callin' the cops!" Peter said having enough of the studio audience and marching to the house.
"Seriously, where did those people come from?!" Tyler asked once again this time serious.
Peter and Lois arrived at Chris' school, Buddy Cianci, Jr. High School to talk with the principal. They were in the principal's office and Chris was also with them.
"Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid I have some bad news." The principal informed Peter, "I caught your son peeking into the girls' locker room."
"Oh, Chris!" Lois said to Chris.
"So, what's the big deal? It's normal for a boy his age to be curious." Peter said, "I remember when I first noticed girls starting to develop."
Cutaway #2
The cutaway showed a school auditorium with everyone there including a presenter on the stage.
"Welcome to 8th grade orientation, everyone." The presenter greeted the students as it cut to a young Peter sitting next to a girl whose breast then popped up.
As the presenter discussed about orientation, Peter witnessed practically all of the girls in the auditorium suddenly having breasts pop up as the girl to Peter's right was the last to recieve instead a single breast.
Peter tried to touch it, but suddenly recieved his own pair of breasts, much to his embarassment.
End
Chris then left the principal's office with a book in his hand.
"We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man!" Lois told Chris leaving the principal's office with Peter, "A woman is not an object."
"Your mother's right, son!" Peter hollered to Chris, "Listen to what it says."
"Peter!" Lois exclaimed.
"Uh, uh, uh, I-I didn't say that.' Peter lied, "Lee Majors did." He pointed to the right as it panned to the same direction to Lee Majors standing in the hallway.
"What?" Lee Major asked nonchalantly, "Women are things."
Peter and Lois were walking through the school when Peter spotted something.
"Oh, my God! It-It's Mr. Fargas!" Peter gasped in amazement pointing to an elderly man who, in my opinion, resembled Stu Pickles from Rugrats, "Oh, he was my favorite teacher!"
It then flashed back to a younger and more lively Mr. Fargas behind a chalkboard.
"Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect... a clown!" Mr. Fargas announced pulling out a operation bed and removing the cover revealed a dead clown. All of the students gasped in horror at this as Mr. Fargas used his scalpel to cut open the corpse's chest where Mr. Fargas was surprised by what he say inside, "Well, no wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with... candy!" He cheerfully tossed out candy to the students, whom were all cheering excessively.
Cuts back to the present.
"Well, why don't you go say hello?" Lois encouraged, "I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers' lounge."
"Hey-Hey, Mr. Fargas!" Peter called to Mr. Fargas running up to him, "I-It's me, Peter Griffin!"
"Griffin. Griffin." Mr. Fargas checked his list searching for Peter's last name, "Sorry, not on the list."
"Aw, do-don't you remember me?" Peter asked Mr. Fargas, "I was your favorite student. You taught me everything. Math. Science. You even taught me how to dance just in time for prom."
It then flashed back again to when Peter was in his junior high school years now being tutored by a young Mr. Fargas.
"Peter, you start like this." Mr. Fargas instructed Peter pulling off some tap-dancing.
"Like this?" Peter asked pulling off the same tap-dancing routine as Mr. Fargas.
"Yeah, now add a little turn and do a buck and wind." Mr. Fargas instructed pulling off the dance moves aforementioned.
"Come on, Mr. Fargas, do the whole darn thing." Peter said to Mr. Fargas as both then danced together.
Cuts back to the present. Again.
"Jeez, Mr. Fargas, what happened to you?" Peter having noticed the man's condition, "Somebody give you a fun-ectomy?"
"No, they gave me these." Mr. Fargas answered taking out a bottle of pills from his pocket, "By order of the School Board. They say it evens me out... Sorry to fly off the handle like that."
"Here, lemme see that." Peter insisted taking the pill bottle away and throwing it aside, "That's what I think about you takin' chill pills from the Man. Look, the old Farg made learning fun. He's what these kids need. Now get back in that classroom and teach your 'Fargin'' ass off."
Later that day, Peter was walking up to Chris' room holding a box of sorts as rhythmic thumping sounds repeatedly played in the background and Peter knocked.
"Don't come in." Chris said, "Just a minute!"
"Chris, your mother wants me and you to have a talk." Peter informed Chris entering his bedroom.
"Noo!" Chris demanded though Peter came in anyway finding Chris playing with a paddle ball with John and Tyler.
"58. 59. 60-" John and Tyler counted the number of times Chris paddled the ball until Chris lost balance and it fell off. All three awed at this.
"I was goin' for a new record." Chris said.
"Boys, can you wait outsidefor a sec?" Peter asked John and Tyler who left the room, leaving him and Chris alone.
"Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls." Peter told Chris, "Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers"
Cutaway #3
It cut to a woman removing her shirt from behind where she was now in her underwear. This was all being viewed by Mr. Rogers, who was at the window with binoculars.
"Hello, neighbor." Mr. Rogers greeted the woman next door who was now removing her bra. It then cut to a close-up of Rogers then growling in pleasure.
End
"But peepin' can be dangerous, so I brought ya this." Peter told Chris handing him the box he brung with him.
Chris opened the box and found several dirty magazines inside. Chris pulled one out as it unfolded into three layers.
"Whoa, Miss December!" Chris exclaimed excitedly.
"Heh. Yep, the old skin bin." Peter remarked, "Now you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly legal."
"Wow, check out the rack on... Mom?" Chris said picking up a photo of Lois in her nightgown in a sexy pose.
"Hey, give me that!" Peter demanded snatching the photo away from Chris, "Heh, just-just a little present your Mom gave me for our anniversary. *chuckled nervously*"
"All right, dad!" Chris rooted when Peter was about to leave the room, "Hey, Dad. Thanks."
Peter appreciated Chris' thanks and rejoined John and Tyler in the hallway. Then suddenly more thumping noise came up and Peter discovered he had Chris' paddle ball, meaning Chris was getting "busy" in there.
"Hey, Chris, you forgot your paddle ball." John called to Chris taking the paddle ball out of Peter's hands and going into Chris' room.
"No, wait!" Peter halted John, but the latter already opened the door, which soon got Peter's attention, "Huh?"
It turned out to be Chris playing with another padle ball.
"Your Dad acidentally took it with him." John told Chris handing him the paddle ball.
"Oh, thanks." Chris thanked John now playing with both paddle balls.
Peter was mostly confused by this and soon left.
The next day, Lois was in the kitchen enveloping campaign flyers with John, Tyler, Meg and Brian.
"Mom, if you get elected to the School Board, can you fix it so I win Homecoming Queen?" Meg asked Lois hoping to use her mother's campaign to her advantage.
"You could, but that's-" Tyler was going to tell Meg before John quickly covered Tyler's mouth.
"Sure, she can, Meg." John assured restraining Tyler while still holding his hand against Tyler's mouth as the latter struggled to break free, "Right, Mrs. Griffin?"
"Oh, honey... Of course, I can." Lois giggled in glee and told her daughter, "But winning without honor isn't really winning at all. Isn't that right, Milli?"
It panned to Milli wanting to get something from inside the fridge, then turned to Lois.
"No, it's just as good." Milli claimed and then dancing lightly to his song Baby before giving up, "Ah, what's the use, you're right."
"Just hope he doesn't take one of my Pawtucket Pat Colas." John said under his breath.
(A/N: Credit goes to Family Guy Fan writer 15 (TheRegans on DeviantArt) for coming up with the Pawtucket Patriot Cola mentioned above.)
"Cease this prattling!" Stewie ordered, "This campaign literature must be posted today if we are to get you into office and out of my life, you festering strumpet!"
"Hey, you guys." Peter came in greeting everyone and taking notie of what they're doing, "Hey, Lois, you runnin' for School Board?"
This left Lois aggrivated by what Peter just asked.
"Mrs. Griffin, I know you love him, but what so you see in him?" Tyler asked Lois about her taste in men, "He's dumb as a rock. No offense, Mr. Griffin."
"None tak- Hey, wait a minute!" Peter said, "If I'm a rock, then you're a boulder!"
"Look, Chris' school is on TV." Meg informed everyone turning up the volume on the small kitchen TV.
It showed Channel 5 News on the screen of the TV and zoomed in a bit.
"The egg drop, an annual tradition for junior high school science students." Diane said.
"But, today at Buddy Cianci, Jr. High, an egg drop conducted by teacher, Randall Fargas, seems to have gone horribly, horribly wrong." Tom Tucker revealed, "We now go live to Action News 5 Asian news reporter, Tricia Takanawa."
It cut to Tricia Takanawa outside the school as eggs were being dropped.
"Well, Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs, but those of the endangered California condor."
It showed Randall and his students enjoying the egg drop.
Cuts back to everyone in the kitchen.
"Welcome back, Fargas." Peter said.
"You got him to do this?!" John asked Peter.
"Oh, my God!" Lois reacted, "He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the Earth!"
"No, no, Lois. The janito'll do that." Peter said ignorant of what Lois said.
"Uh, Tom, I-I'm getting word that the Quahog School Board has just dismissed Randall Fargas, effectively ending his 32-year teaching career."
"What?" Peter reacted, "Hey, they can't do that!"
"Sure they can." Tyler corrected, "Didn't you see what he did on TV?"
"Tyler's right, Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced." Lois agreed.
It went back to Diane Simmons.
"In other news, Betsy Lebeau, a candidate for School Board president, announced today she's pulling out of the race." Diane reported showing footage of a woman in bathroom stall with her underwear down between her ankles, "Lebeau's withdrawal now leaves candidate, Lois Griffin, running unopposed."
Cuts back to the kitchen.
"Oh! Oh, my goodness!" Lois exclaimed to the good news with her, Meg, John and Tyler rising from their seats and joining together, "I win by default!"
"Oh, great. You can get Mr. Fargas his job back." Peter suggested.
"I'm sorry, but I do have a mind of my own and I happen to agree with the School Board's decision." Lois argued against Peter's wishes.
"Yeah, yeah, I know, you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man." Peter argued.
"I'm not giving that lunatic his job back and that's final." Lois stated turning her back to Peter.
"Lois, I can't let you deprive our children of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas." Peter said to Lois, "I'm gonna stop you the only way I can..." He pulled John in, took both his hands and raised an axe in the air, "... by having John kill you..."
"Isn't that a little extre-" Tyler was going to say until it shifted to him, Peter and John outside the house in the same pose.
"...in the race for school board president." Peter finished hammering down a campaign sign for John with the axe.
"Oh. Never mind..." Tyler said before realizing, "...wait..."
"WHAT?!" Both John and Tyler exclaimed in unison.
Peter continued putting up signs all over the yard where Brian was by the porch eating a sandwich alongside Tyler.
"Peter, are-are you running against Lois is such a good idea?" Brian asked Peter, "Y-You know how competitive you get. And if you're having John as a candidate in the race just to show you're not, it won't work."
"Hey, hey, I can be just as non-competitive as anybody." Peter defended, "Matter of fact, I'm the most non-competitive. So, I win."
"Come on, you can't even handle losing at checkers." Brian argued.
Cutaway #4
Brian just beat Peter at checkers.
"King me." Brian said finishing the game.
"Uh... Hey, look over there!" Peter claimed pointing behind Brian.
"Where?" Brian reacted turning his head as Peter took the checker board to his car, threw in the back, got into the car and drove off.
He drove a few miles outside Quahog past a farm and eventually drove the car off a cliff. Fortunately, Peter got out just in time and when he got up, he pulled out a pistol and shots a few rounds at the gas tank until it exploded.
End
"And you can't even handle losing at chess." Tyler also pointed out.
Cutaway #5
Tyler had taken both Peter's King and Queen pieces, effectively winning the game.
"Checkmate." Tyler said.
"Uh... Hey, look over there!" Peter claimed using the same trick he pulled on Brian.
"I'm not falling for it." Tyler said.
"No, seriously, look!" Peter claimed trying to convince Tyler.
"Where?" Tyler reacted turning his head just like what Brian did and the whole thing is pretty much exactly as before.
End
Lois and John stepped outside and talked to Peter.
"Peter, since when do you or John care about the School Board?" Lois asked Peter.
"She's right, Mr. Griffin." John agreed with Lois, "I don't know anything about the School Board, much less old enough to even enter the race for it."
"Don't talk that, John." Peter reassured John, "Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a bum rap and if running against you is the only way to get him back into a classroom, then John and I are gonna run like the Six Million Dollar Men."
Cutaway #6
The cutaway opened with the opening to Six Million Dollar Man.
"We can rebuild them." An agent said referring to John and Peter, who were unconscious, "We have the technology. But we don't have enough money on both of them."
It them showed a fully restored John dressed like the Six Million Dollar Man running through a park while an incomplete Peter followed having a rake for a right arm, a trash can and a plunger for legs and a magnefying glass on his left eye.
End
Fine, if John really feels that strongly, then by all means run." Lois said, "But I'm warning you two, I'm not gonna pull any punches on the issues."
"Actually, Mrs. Griffin, I-" John tried to say, but Peter interrupted.
"Oh, I'm Lois." Peter teased taking one of Brian's sandwiches and placing it on his face, pretending to be Lois, "Look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose." He came up to Lois and made childish babbling in her face.
"Oh, boy, running against a kid will be easier than running unopposed." Lois said.
Hearing what Lois said got John's attention.
"What's that supposed to mean?" John demanded offended by Lois' statement, "Are you saying I don't have what it takes?"
"What? No, that's not what I'm saying at all." Lois stated, "I just don't think this is something you can handle very well."
"Oh, yeah? Well, you're on." John challenged Lois, still thinking she's against him.
"Yeah, and not only are we gonna win this election..." Peter told Lois until pausing to think of something clever to say. "...Tyler is gonna eat your nose."
"Wait, what?" Tyler reacted to Peter's words.
"Here, Tyler, eat Mrs. Griffin's nose." Peter ordered Tyler.
"But it's a sandwich..." Tyler pointed out, "...and I'm not hungry."
"Take a bite!" Peter demanded, making Tyler uneasy and do as he was told and started chewing.
"Ew, it's got mayo." Tyler complained, not enjoying the sandwich, "I hate mayo."
"Keep eating." Peter ordered.
"I don't wanna." Tyler complained.
Lois let out an amused sigh at this. "See you on the campaign trail." She walked back into the house.
A montage played with military instrumental music playing in the background showing a row of houses each having its vote on a specific candidate for the campaign. It shifted to John dressed in a suit with his hair combed shaking hands with a citizen. Cleveland handed Peter a pin, who tried to pin it to the man's shirt, but accidentally pins into his chest and the guys run off to avoid trouble. Lois, meanwhile, was hosting a campaign parade riding on top of a limousine waving to the crowd. At the same neighborhood, a man pulls out a campaign sign reading "JOHN FOR SCHOOL BOARD PRESIDENT" and replaced it with another reading "GRIFFIN FOR SCHOOL BOARD PRESIDENT". Next, John was in downtown passing by several townsfolk and stopped to kiss a baby. He continued walking and kissed another baby, all before coming across an ugly baby, much to Peter, John and Tyler's surprise. John realized his reaction did not sit well with the baby's mother, whom displayed a rather angry face where John displayed an embarassed look on his face and he, Tyler and Peter cartoon zoomed out of there. The montage came to a close with all the houses in the neighborhood supporting Lois over John, whose signs were now all in the trash.
It panned to the right to show the Griffin house's pateo, where it cut to Brian reading the paper. Stewie walked up to Brian with the paper covering his head.
"Oh, my. Look where my hand is." Stewie said trying to get Brian's attention, "I said, look where my hand is! It's in a very naughty place." Brian finally took a look and found Stewie putting his finger in his nose, "Does this not disgust you?"
"Kid, you're talkin' to a guy whose species uses their tongues for toilet paper." Brian shot back.
"Now look here, you loathesome cur! The matron of prattle has left me in your ward. You-You should-You should be striving to thwart my misdeeds." Stewie demanded to Brian, who went back to reading the paper. Stewie then ran off offscreen. "Look at me, I'm writing profanity on the wall!" Brian looked up again and saw that Stewie merely wrote "poppycock" on the wall.
"Water-soluble." Brian commented at Stewie's work unimpressed.
"Ugh, don't just sit there, I have misbehaved! I've been a bawdy little monkey!" Stewie questioned Brian. "Ugh, if that vile woman were here, she'd prove a worthy adversary."
"What's the matter? Miss your mommy?" Brian teased Stewie who laughed it off.
"Oh, yes. Yes, that's it. That's-That's quite good. Yes, I miss my mommy." Stewie responded sarcastically, "Yes, yes, I also miss colic and rectal thermometry."
"Whatever you say... Mama's Boy." Brian teased Stewie again.
"BLAST!" Stewie shouted in defeat.
Later at Buddy Cianci, Jr. High, Chris was at his locker when his friends showed up.
"Hey, Chris! Hector found two rocks outside that look like boobs!" One of the friends told Chris, "You in?"
"Ah, who needs rocks when you got these?" Chris changed the subject opening his locker and reveals the magazines he got from Peter stashed inside. "Check it out!" Chris said showing them one of the magazines.
His friends were easily amazed before placing their hands on their crotches.
Meanwhile, Peter, John, Tyler, Quagmire and Cleveland were driving around town as the car was decorated with campaign posters on the driver's side reading "VOTE FOR JOHN" and "TOGETHER WE CAN HELP HIM BEAT MY WIFE".
"Vote for my friend, John!" Peter announced through an intercom on the roof of the car.
As they drove forward, most of the town had Lois' campaign posters while the car was the form of John's campaign left.
"Whoa, look at all of Lois' signs!" Quagmire acknowledged about the large quantity of signs around the street, "Talk about seeing red. Heh, OH! Heh."
"Peter, I'm concerned that John's candidacy may have become a lost cause." Cleveland said to Peter, "The debate is tonight and he doesn't seem to have any supporters."
"Don't sweat it, boys." Peter reassured his friends, "The Griffin men have always been winners, dating back to my diminutive great-grandfather, Juarez Griffin."
Cutaway #7
It cut to a Hispanic town square where a cock fight was being held as plenty of the town's men rounded together to bet on which chicken will win. A man placed a yellow rooster into the ring where it panned to the left to reveal Peter's great-grandfather, Juarez Griffin, who is basically a Hispanic version of Peter about the size of the chicken. Juarez and the rooster walked up to each other as Juarez easily defeats it in less than three punches. The men cheered for Juarez's victory as Juarez began imitating the rooster.
End
"Mr. Griffin's right. The debate's in the bag." John said influenced by Peter's statement.
"Yeah, we still have a trick up our sleeves." Tyler said, "And it goes like this..." Tyler whispered his plan in John's ear.
It cut to the debate being broadcast as an image of Lois' face shown from her right side spinned to the screen.
"Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping industrialist, Cart Pewterschmidt, and passive-aggressivist, Barbara Pewterschmidt." Tom Tucker narrated offscreen as the image of Lois' head spins away and this time an image of John's face shown from his left side spinned to the screen, "Tonight, she takes on her greatest challenge, John... Wait, he doesn't have a last name? Oh, uh, okay. Anyway, John, Quahog's mysterious new native son, described Huguenot from his manager, Peter Griffin, don't know what that means, and community activist."
It then showed Chris and Meg watching the debate on their TV.
"Go, John." Chris cheered.
"He can't hear you." Meg told Chris.
"GO, JOHN!" Chris shouted taking Meg's statement literally.
It cut right behind them and then zoomed to the TV.
"So fasten your seatbelts. We're just minutes away from Lois vs. John, Griffin versus... uh, kid, on Monday Night Debate, y'all!"
Upstairs, Brian was reading a bedtime story to Stewie.
"'Of suns and worlds, I nothing had to say'." Brian read. "I see mankind's self-torturing pains-"
"No, no, no, you're doing it wrong!" Stewie interrupted, "When you read Faust, you're supposed to do Mephistopheles in a scary voice *deepens voice" like this!"
"Oh, is that the way your Mommy reads it?" Brian teased Stewie once again getting up and headed for the door.
"I do not miss that ogress." Stewie protested as Brian was at the door, "She can burn in Hell for all I care!"
"Sure, she can." Brian said shutting the door.
Damn, damn, damn, damn!
I've grown accustomed to her face!
Stewie then sang the song, "I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face" from My Fair Lady.
She almost makes the day begin!
I've grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and moon
Stewie then jumped up and hung onto the mobile above his crib.
Her smiles, her frowns
Stewie let go and landed on a toy turtle.
Her ups, her downs are second nature to me now
He went to the box of toys next to the door and pulled out his baby book.
Like breathing out and breathing in
He turned to a photo of him on a hangwire about to blast Lois, who's doing laundry.
I'm very grateful she's a woman
And so easy to forget
He turned to another photo of him and Lois sitting at the kitchen table where he was pouring what seemed to be a vile of poison into her coffee.
Rather like a habit one can always break
He turned to yet another photo of him trying to kill Lois, this time about to smother her face with a pillow while she was a sleep.
And yet,
I've grown accustomed to her looks
Another photo was shown of Lois in the shower while a silouette of Stewie was shown outside the curtain wielding a knife, interpretating the film Psycho. After that, Stewie closed the book and placed it down beside him.
Accustomed to her voice
Accustomed
To her
Face
*sighs*
Then out of nowhere, an offscreen studio audience awed sympathetically for Stewie's situation. However, Stewie was not too please by their appearance.
"Damn you all!" Stewie cursed the studio audience pulling out his raygun and blasting at the screen.
Elsewhere, the debate was being held at the Quahog Meeting Hall as citizens were walking inside. Inside, Tyler was talking with John.
"Okay, J-man, just remember what I told you and you'll be fine." Tyler instructed John.
"Okay." John replied going to his podium as the debate started.
"John, your opening statement, please." Tom Tucker asked John seated in a desk in front of the stage with Diane Simmons.
"Thank you, Mr. Tucker." John thanked Tom, "Hello, everyone. Go with what you feel. Tell them how you'll fix the issues. And say what's in your heart."
Almost everyone in the audience felt confused by John's opening statement and weren't able to decide whether he was onto something or was talking nonsense.
"No, no!" Tyler cried from backstage, "I meant talk about the changes you'll make, not literally repeat what I just said a few seconds ago!"
John then felt dumbfounded by this revelation and he turned to the audience and smiled nervously while his face turned red.
"Uh... Uh, I would say more, but I'm feeling a little generous tonight and figure maybe Mr. Griffin should give her opening statement. Right?"
"Okay..." Diane responded a little unsure about John's behavior, "Mrs. Griffin."
"Well, as a piano teacher, I know how difficult the education process can be." Lois stated, "That's why, if I'm elected, I promise to fight for competent teachers, a better-funded music department and updated textbooks that don't refer to the Civil Rights Movement as 'trouble ahead'."
The crowd cheered for Lois after hearing her speech.
"Mr. John, your response?" Diane asked John, "Maybe something about education?"
"Yes, Ms. Simmons, I, too, will be fighting for teachers, but will, of course, approve of background checks to see if they're right for our children." John declared, making the crowd to root for him instead.
"John, that wasn't your opinion. That was something the former candidate, Betsy Lebeau, opposed against." Lois reminded John. "I told you and Tyler about it. Remember?"
The crowd then booed at John after they heard that, changing their vote for Lois.
"Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" John accused Lois, "Well, I'm gonna take the highroad and stick to the issues. The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who believes that they have what it takes to become school board president and not talk them down about it."
"Is that what this is about?" Lois asked realizing John's reason of running for school board, "John, I didn't mean it like that."
"See, she admits about it!" John claimed pointing toward her causing the crowd to root for him more. "That proves she doesn't believe in people like me."
"That's enough!" Lois demanded.
"And if that wasn't bad enough, she even said and I quote 'Running against a kid will be easier than running unopposed'." John finished, making the crowd change their vote for him, "Whaddya say to that, Mrs. Griffin?" Soon after, the crowd then chanted John's name.
"Just a minute! Listen to me, please!" Lois cried out, "This election is about our children's future. So ask yourself. What kind of future will it be if you elect a young man who has never taught a student or ever been to a PTA meeting? This is a young man who spends most of his time watching the Cartoon Network."
John immediately fet a big blow below the chest from that one.
"I'm the right person for the job." Lois insisted, "Vote for me."
And soon enough, everyone immediately had their vote for Lois, to her approval and to John's dismay. Peter was worried about this and pushed John aside.
"Wait, wait, wait, my candidate's not done." Peter tried to say, but the crowd kept cheering for Lois. "John! John! John! J- C-C-Come on! S-Stop. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Hey, you guys shut up!"
Backstage, John and Tyler were appearing to call it quits.
"Well, at least it didn't went with me reading words literally coming out of your mouth." John bluntly.
"Hey, I'm still working on that." Tyler defended.
"You called for me?" The words Tyler just said earlier literally came up and asked Tyler.
"No, we went without you." Tyler told the words.
The next morning, Lois and Brian were sitting at the kitchen table having coffee discussing the previous night.
"Well, I didn't enjoy humiliating John, but what choice did I have?" Lois asked Brian.
"Well, that's okay, Lois. I enjoyed it." Brian reassured Lois, taking a sip of coffee.
"Ugh, as soon as the polls close, we can put all this ugliness behing us." Lois said taking a sip of her coffee.
"Lois Griffin is a slut." Peter's voice was heard from the kitchen TV.
"What?!" Lois reacted turning to the TV.
It showed Peter in a classroom carrying his coat by his shoulder.
"Hi, I'm Peter Griffin." Peter greeted stepping up to a desk placing his left foot on the seat. "You know, I grew up in this town."
It then showed him walking down a hallway still carrying his coat by his shoulder.
"Quahog needs a moral, upstanding school board president." Peter said stopping at a random desk and placing this time his right foot on the seat. "Someone we can trust."
It then showed him walking through the football field.
"Well, a lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign." Peter continued once again placing one of his feet on the seat of a random desk popping up out of nowhere. "But pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand." He then pulled a photo out of his shirt pocket, "But here's something everyone can understand! Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this?" He showed it to be the same photo from the box of dirty magazines he gave to Chris earlier in the episode, "I know I don't. So, vote for my candidate, John."
It then finished with a black title card showing John's face with the message, "JOHN FOR SCHOOL BOARD PRESIDENT," followed by Cleveland narrating.
"Paid for by the John for School Board President Commitee." Cleveland narrated. "Sorry, Lois."
It showed Lois speechless at what she saw as her arms twitched a bit.
"Hey, what're you guys watch- Uh-oh..." Tyler walked in and greeted Lois and Brian before realizing what was on TV, to his dismay.
Later that day, the polls came to a close with Channel 5 News reporting the results.
"'Lewd,' 'obscene,' and 'a little blurry,' just some of the words used to describe Lois Griffin's prurient pic." Tom Tucker reported with the picture displayed before going to his regular greeting with Diane Simmons beside him. "Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker."
"And I'm Diane Simmons." Diane greeted last, "Yesterday, voters overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person they want running their schools. Candidate, John... *whispered under her breath* Seriously, no last name? *normal voice*...was elected by a landslide."
It showed footage of John giving a speech celebrating his success while Peter was wasted.
"Thank you, everyone." John thanked all of his voters, "It is my honor to be-"
"Yeah, what a great day!" Peter barged in and cheered intoxicated, "I just want to s- Eh-Eh, I want to- *snickers* I am so freakin' wasted!" After saying that, he passed out onto a nearby table taking the podium with him.
"Uh-Uh, yes. It certainly is a great day." John said, "I believe my campaign manager has something to say. Tyler?"
Unfortunately for him, Tyler was also wasted at the bar.
"WOOO!" Tyler hollered drunkly, "More funny juice! Yeah-" He passed out onto a nearby stool.
It cut to the family watching the aftermath of the campaign.
"Splendid." Stewie thought. "How delightful it be to have Mother back."
"I heard that." Brian said to Stewie somehow telepathically.
"Damn!" Stewie cursed in his thoughts.
Lois hung her head in embarassment at her loss giving a light facepalm.
"Don't feel bad, Mom." Chris comforted Lois, "All my friends think you're hot! They can't believe I came out of you!" Chris then got up and left when John stepped into the living room.
"Hey, guys." John greeted everyone present but stopped when Tyler pulled out a sign reading 'SHE KNOWS ABOUT THE AD,' making John realize he's in trouble, "Oh. Uh, no hard feelings?"
Peter also stepped in.
"Hey, Lois, I got a joke for ya." Peter said to Lois, "How many losers does it take to make breakfast? Just one! You! Ehehehe! I'm just-just kiddin', but french toast, please."
"Oh, don't even talk to me, Peter!" Lois told off Peter still mad, "You humiliated your own wife! And for what, to have John get that crazy Mr. Fargas back in the classroom?!"
"Who?" Peter asked not remembering who she's talking about.
"You serious?" John asked Peter in disbelief. "He's the whole reason you got me into this in the first place."
"Boys, I cared about our schools." Lois told Peter, John and Tyler handing Stewie to Meg and getting up to face the trio, "All you both cared about was some stupid competition. Well, winning was only half the battle." She then faced John, "If you blow this chance to something good for our kids, you'll all be the biggest losers I know!"
"You see, that's why I volunteered. To prove to you that I can be good at being school board president." John reminded Lois.
"You're still upset about what I said?" Lois asked John. "John, all I meant was that it may not be what you expect it be."
"Yeah? Well, you thought wrong, lady!" John talked back.
"John's right, we're no losers." Peter agreed, "When we're through with our schools, our students'll be so smart they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself."
It then cut to the updated school sign now reading, "JOHN & TYLER JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL (FORMERLY BUDDY CIANCI JR. HIGH SCHOOL) and panned to John, Tyler and Peter with Trishia Takanawa by the school entrance.
"This is Trishia Takanawa, here with School Board President, John." Trishia reported presenting John to the cameraman. "Mr. President, you've accomplished so much in just a few short weeks."
"Thanks, Ms. Takanawa." John thanked Trishia Takanawa, "We're very excited of the progress in revamping our schools."
"For starters, we're making sex education more fun." Peter informed the press, opening a door in front of him to show the characters from Schoolhouse Rock.
Vagina junction
What's your function?
Three singers from said cartoon sang as the train conductor came in.
Taking in sperm and spitting out babies!
John, Tyler and Peter continued showing the press around the school.
"And our schools are the safest around thanks to the hall monitor XL-K." John said presenting the XL-K from RoboCop as it activated and drawed it turrets at a female student passing by.
"Halt!" The XL-K ordered, "Present hall pass!"
"Right here." The student responded presenting the hall pass in her hand.
"Second request." The XL-K ordered, "Present hall pass."
"But... Right here!" The student repeated confused by the machine's demands.
"Security breach! Security breach!" The XL-K declared blasting its turrets at the student. Fortunately, she got out of the way just in the nick of time.
"Uh, we still got a few bugs to work out." Tyler informed the press about what had happened.
They then arrived at the library.
"And we've restocked our school library with books on some of our greatest movies, TV shows and video games." John told Trishia. "Because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they know about the source material?"
"Mr. John, this is impressive for the man your age, I've never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading." Trishia praised John's work.
"Thank you. That's-That's what you voted for." Peter thanked Trishia butting in as he walked over to one of Chris' friends reading, "Hey, son, show the folks at home what you got there." As Peter took the book away, something slid out from underneath and as it hit the floor, it turned out to be one of Chris' dirty magazines.
"What the-?" John exclaimed at the magazine's presence.
"Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine!" Trishia Takanawa reported, to everyone's surprise.
"Hey, that's mine- Mine shaft." Peter excused, "There-There might be a mineshaft under this library."
"My God, all these kids are looking at pornography!" One of the press reported discovering the kids are using the books to mide the magazines.
"What kind of pervert gave you kids this filth?" Trishia asked the students.
"Chris Griffin." One of the students answered, "He got them from his Dad."
This immediately had the press swarm the trio, who were speechless by this, where cameras flashed nonstop.
We then see the Griffin house swarmed by paparazzi and news crews as titles appeared reading "SCANDEL IN THE GRIFFIN HOUSE HOUR SEVEN" revealed to be on the living room TV. It then showed the living room now a campaign office.
"Oh, there's quite a crowd outside." Cleveland acknowledged looking out the window before covering it with the drapes and walking to the trio, "I haven't witness pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day at the deli."
John and Tyler then turned to Cleveland confused by what he meant.
"When prices were so low, they were ridiculous." Cleveland explained.
"Oohhh..." John and Tyler replied in realization at Cleveland's answer.
"Heh, you said it, pally." Quagmire told Cleveland walking in, "That's why I brought in the big guns. Say 'how do' to the Ragin' Cajun, Mr. James Carville."
John and Tyler screamed at Mr. Carville's face as did Peter.
"AAH! Oh, God. Oh, Jeez!" Peter panicked at the sight of seeing Mr. Carville's face, "Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant?"
However, before anyone could speak, John and Tyler were still screaming in a similar way to when the Nostalgia Critic screamed repeatedly at the DVD cover of Good Burger at the end of his SNICK review.
(A/N: By the way, for those who've seen this episode, you can already tell why Peter, John and Tyler panicked after taking a look at Mr. Carville's face)
"Guys?" Peter tried getting the duo's attention, but their screams were too loud for them to hear him. "Guys?"
Then a Spongebob timecard popped up.
"One hour later" The French Narrator told the audience.
It then showed everyone looking tired while John and Tyler were still screaming repeatedly.
"Okay, that's enough!" Mr. Carville cried making John and Tyler to stop. "Now, anyway, see, boys, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! War, you see? War! Your only chance of surviving this-this-this scandel is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography."
"And he's right." Quagmire agreed with him. "Heh, pin it on the old ball and chain."
"We can't do that." John said. "That's playing dirty."
"He's right. Lois is already mad at us enough without *turns to Mr. Carville* Oh, oh, oh, God, I'm-I'm sorry. I-I can't look at you." Peter said. "I can handle ugly, but this is like circus ugly.
Down in John and Tyler's room, Lois was doing laundry when John came down hoping to ask for her help.
"Mrs. Griffin, I need your help." John begged Lois, "You gotta come to my press conference this afternoon."
Lois snuffed off John's plea for help.
"Mrs. Griffin, I could lose my presidency!" John pleaded.
"Too bad!" Lois blew off John, "I've already lost more than that!"
John gasped. "Not my Pokemon socks!" John checked inside the washer to see if Lois hadn't lost them.
"No, I've lost my respect for you." Lois explained.
"Oh." John exclaimed in realization. "But-"
Lois continued ignoring him.
"You know what? Forget it!" John reconsidered going up the stairs to go ahead with Mr. Carville's idea.
"So?" Tyler asked John. "Is she gonna help us?"
"No, change of plans, pal." John told Tyler as they went back to Peter and the guys, "I was hoping we would avoid-" But unfortunately for the two of them, they saw Mr. Carville's face and screamed once again.
"Ah, come on!" Quagmire exclaimed.
It then cut to Channel 5 News.
"We now take you live to John and Tyler Junior High, where embattled School Board President John is fighting for his political life alongside his campaign managers." Tom Tucker reported cutting to the school's auditorium as John, Tyler and Peter walked over to the stage with everyone booing at them.
"Throw the brat out!" A member of the crowd cried out.
Meg and Chris were watching at the entrance when, to their surprise, Lois stepped in.
"Mom, what are you doing here?" Meg asked Lois, "I thought you were mad at John, Tyler and Dad."
"I am." Lois answered, "I just came them twist in the wind."
"Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce?" Chris asked Lois worried.
"Oh, honey..." Lois said to Chris giving him a hug, "...maybe."
Onstage, the trio were about to go with Mr. Carville's idea to frame Lois.
"'A parent giving porno to their kid is a terrible thing, but I'm here to tell you that my campaign manager, Peter Griffin is innocent!'" John told the crowd, which got their attention. However, Lois groaned at what she heard.
John handed the cuecards to Peter.
"'That's right!'" Peter said, "'I didn't give those magazines to my son.' 'My wife'... 'My-My wife, Lois'..." Peter started to feel guilt as he kept reading the card and as he saw a woman in the crowd, she shifted into Lois. He turned to another, who also shifted into Lois. John and Tyler realized Peter couldn't do it so they helped him out by pointing at Lois with the kids.
"Lois!" Peter exclaimed under his breath as he, John and Tyler then saw Mr. Carville in the crowd, too, resulting in John and Tyler to once again screaming repeatedly.
"One Hour Later." The french narrator once again said as another Spongebob timecard popped up.
And like before, John and Tyler still screaming repeatedly.
"FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST GET IT OVER WITH! WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Someone called out to the duo, who stopped screaming after hearing the desperate man pleading.
"Ah, crap." Peter exclaimed discarding the cards.
"Yeah, who're we kidding? We can't go through with this." Tyler said.
"Look, my wife, Lois is the most important person in the world to me. And she's also important to my candidate, John. I gave my son those magazines."
This caught Lois and Meg by surprise.
"Even worse, I used a boy I took in to turn a beautiful gift from Lois into something cheap and tawdry." Peter continued. "I just wanted to win so bad. Now I know that some things are more important than winning. I'm sorry, John. I hope you can forgive me."
John then felt guilt after hearing Peter's heartfelt apology, realizing he, too, got carried away.
"Actually, Mr. Griffin, I owe you an apology, too." John admitted. "I felt the same thing as you did. I just wanted to hear Mrs. Griffin maybe say, 'You can accomplish anything as long as you put your mind to it' or something. I guess what I'm saying is that we both wanted to show what we we're capable of so bad that we lost sight of what's important. I think we both realize that now."
"Yeah, we sure have." Peter agreed turning back to the crowd, "Lois, we only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive us."
Lois was touched by Peter and John's apology.
"Oh, Peter." Lois exclaimed running upstage to embrace with Peter and share a hug with him and John as press swarmed them.
"So you're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband, too, Mr. Griffin?" Trishia Takanawa asked Peter.
"Mr. John, do you have the moral authority to lead?" A man asked John.
"Yes." Peter answered Trishia.
"No, and screw it, Mrs. Griffin was right, I am too young to handle presidency, so I resign." John told the press, making them gasp as he, Tyler, Peter and Lois left the building.
It then showed footage of Peter, Lois, John and Tyler stepping outside.
"And there's the President, campaign managers Peter and Tyler and Lois Griffin." Diane Simmons said.
"Now boarding the helicopter." Tom Tucker finished as the quartet boarded the helicopter.
It then cut to Channel 5 News with Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons.
"And so ends a dark and shameful chapter in the history of Quahog, Rhode Island." Diane remarked. "One which leaves this reporter asking: How much moral bankruptcy and perversion must we, the people, endure?"
"Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on 'The Clitoris: Nature's Rubik's Cube.'" Tom Tucker ended the report as it cut to black.
The next day, Chris' school was renamed back into Buddy Cianci Junior High and Mr. Fargas was rehired back into his sobered state as he walked down a hallway.
"Welcome back, Fargas." A student passed by Mr. Fargas greeting him back.
"Thank you." Fargas thanked the student.
"Welcome back, Farg." Chris passed by Mr. Fargas also greeting him back positively.
"Much obliged." Fargas thanked Chris.
"Wooo!" Tyler was walking by and cheered for Mr. Fargas' return.
"You don't go to this school." Fargas told Tyler.
"Aww..." Tyler awed now moping.
Unfortunately, the hall monitor XL-K was still in the school and ran into Mr. Fargas.
"Halt!" The XL-K ordered Mr. Fargas, "Present hall pass!"
"Excuse me?" Fargas asked lightly.
"Second request!" The XL-K continued, "Present hall pass!" It then loaded its turrets at Fargas.
It zoomed on Fargas gasping in horror as it cuts to black and the turrets were fired offscreen.
The End