Chapter 10: I just can't help it

(Erin's P.O.V.)

"What?"

Erin knitted her eyebrows, wincing as she was painfully reminded of the wound on her forehead. She subconsciously brought her hand up, carefully touching the cut with the tips of her fingers. But all her focus was on Jay's face, his every move. He squeezed her shoulder.

"Thank you," Jay repeated. "For telling me the truth. For trusting me." He whispered the last part.

She couldn't read his expression. There were too many emotions flashing in his eyes, too many to count. His words and his expression didn't match up. He was torn. His feelings were swirling inside him in a raging storm, she could tell, yet he settled for thanking her?

"Did – did you hear what I just told you?" She asked in disbelief. "I…don't you understand what that means?"

"I did hear it." Jay shook his head and looked at the ground for a moment, releasing a shaky breath. "But it means the world to me that you came here." He looked at her again, his expression darkened. "When I think about where you could've ended up…and he…I don't think I would be able to…"

He struggled to find the right words. He locked eyes with her, the most serious look on his face.

"Look, I know you're scared and this is a big mess. I get all that…for the most part at least. But the thing is…I'm so glad you're here."

Jay reached his arms around her and pulled her close to him again, so carefully that it seemed like he thought she could break any second. Erin didn't fight him. She just let him hug her, even though it hurt. Everything hurt.

But it was like he needed to hold her close. And although she was still confused about the way he acted, she soon found herself wrapping her arms around his torso, ignoring her sore muscles and burning skin. She carefully rested her head on his strong shoulder, inhaling his scent.

After a moment, she started to shiver again. At this point, she couldn't be sure if it was from all of those different emotions swirling inside her, from not having taken any pills in almost a day, or actually from the chilling apartment air.

Of course, Jay noticed immediately. Reluctantly, he pulled back and peeled off his jacket only to place it around her shoulders.

"What am I supposed to do now, Jay?"

Erin looked down to her hands, her thoughts racing. She was so scared. Jay made her feel a little better but he couldn't take away the fear, the blame, the pain. She wanted today to never have happened. No, scratch that. She wanted the past months to never have happened. But Jay interrupted her dark thoughts once again.

"We'll figure it out."

His voice sounded just a tiny bit too controlled. His hands balled up into fists and he kind of spaced out for a moment, his mind elsewhere. Something was really bothering him, she knew it, and out of everything she had done and told him, she couldn't really guess what exactly it was. How messed up was that?

"I'm so sorry, Jay. I…really shouldn't have come to you with this." Erin glanced up at him one last time before attempting to get up. That seemed to shake him out of his daze.

"No, don't!" Jay put a hand on her shoulder again, preventing her from moving any further. "Please stay. We can figure something out. Together." He tried his best reassuring smile but she wasn't going to let this influence her.

"No, it's fine. You shouldn't have to-" But he cut her off.

"Erin." She looked at him, noticing the gentle, yet determined tone had returned. "I mean it. Please don't run again. I mean, look at yourself." He gestured toward her face. "It kills me to see you like this. And I could-" He cut himself off, shaking his head a little. "I don't want you to be alone, okay? Please, let me help you."

And in that moment, Erin realized that she couldn't fight him anymore. All the energy she had left seemed to be washed out of her body as she looked into those blue eyes full of concern and worry. She didn't have the strength left to argue, she knew that. And deep down, she also knew that leaving would be a mistake. She came here. It was too late to turn back. She had to accept his help, she could trust him.

"Okay," she whispered eventually, nodding her head.

"Okay," Jay echoed quietly, a small smile appearing on his lips. But it soon faltered, as his eyes darted back and forth between her eyes and her wounds. She felt so exposed and vulnerable. Two of the things she hated the most. It was Jay, she reminded herself for the billionth time tonight. No need to be scared. He was here after everything she'd done to hurt him. He was here.

Jay stood from the couch and looked down at her, running a hand through his short hair.

"All right. Now, I really think we should take care of those cuts first." A hint of his signature smirk appeared before he added, "Because there is no way I'm gonna let you sleep in my bed like this."

Erin actually smiled a little at his attempt to lighten the mood. Her first smile in weeks.

"I can get you some Aspirin if you want and I'm sure I have a band-aid or two somewhere," he added half-jokingly. "But let's get you cleaned up first. Come on." He held out a hand to her and she took it. Together, they limped to his bathroom.

Erin steadied herself on the sink and looked in a mirror for the first time in weeks. She didn't even recognize the person staring back at her. She looked at a broken, way too skinny girl, blood smeared everywhere on her incredibly pale and sickly looking skin.

It was one thing to feel the pain, feel the marks that Travis left on her face and body. But it was another thing to see it. She traced the nasty cut on her forehead with her right hand. Only then did she notice how bad her knuckles looked. She couldn't be sure if they were still bruised from that little bar incident earlier this week or if she had hurt herself tonight. Same went for the bruise under her eye. But what disturbed her the most was the thin, bloody cut on her throat. The message was obvious: Either you bring me that money or that cut is gonna be a whole lot deeper next time we meet.

All of a sudden, Erin was brought back to reality as Jay reappeared by her side and touched her arm. She turned away from the mirror and looked up at him. He smiled and silently gestured to the bathtub. He had prepared it for her. She offered him a small smile and brought her hands to her pants to get undressed. He was about to leave when he noticed her trembling fingers struggling to unbutton her jeans. He was hesitant for a moment but soon stepped closer to her again.

"Here, let me help you."

"It's fine. I can do this myself." She wanted to keep at least a little bit of dignity in front of him.

"Erin." He patiently put his hands on top of hers.

Erin sighed eventually and gave in. She removed her hands and let him help her. It was painful to move her body like this to get out of her battered clothes, she was way too sore. But after a few agonizing moments, it was over. She stood panting next to the sink, grabbing it for support.

Being the gentleman that he was, Jay obviously tried not to look too much and kept his distance as much as it was possible as he helped her across the room and into the warm water. Erin slowly lowered her body until she sat in the tub and wrapped her arms around her knees, resting her head on top of them. The water burned wherever it touched an open wound but it also somehow felt quite soothing at the same time. It was really hard to explain. She tried not to think about any pain too much. It only made her think about a very familiar way to numb it. But she couldn't listen to any of those thoughts right now.

Erin knew that Jay was still there. He sat on the rim of the tub next to her. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him lean over and grab a soft sponge from a small cabinet to their right. He soaked it in the water once and then began to gently rub her back with it, careful not to hurt her battered skin. It wasn't as awkward as it might sound. Actually, it felt nice. As if washing away some of the dirt and blood would also wash away some of the memories and shame.

Every once in a while, Jay would find a small piece of glass in her skin. She winced every time he removed one of them, despite his efforts to make it not too painful. She just let him do his thing and was actually really grateful she didn't have to deal with all this by herself. Maybe he was right. She did come here for a reason. But that didn't mean she expected him to be like this.

"Why are you doing all this for me, Jay?" She finally voiced what she had been thinking the whole time. Her heart rate quickened. "You should hate me," she whispered more to herself than to him. He was quiet for a moment.

"Couldn't if I tried," he finally mumbled. "Trust me."

"Jay." She turned her head a little to look up at him.

"What? Did you forget our deal?" He smiled sadly. "I'll always have your back, no matter what." He shrugged and added, "I just can't help it."

They went back to a comfortable silence that was only disturbed by the sound of the water as Jay kept rubbing soothing circles on her back. Erin thought hard about what he said but truth to be told, her head was already spinning enough without trying to decipher the meaning of his words. So instead, she tried to relax a little and just avoid thinking at all, something she should be really good at by now but it seemed hard to ignore the events of this evening.

About 20 minutes later, Erin sat on his couch yet again, her damp hair softly falling on her shoulders and a towel on her forehead again. She was wearing some of his clothes, her own were too bloody and torn. It felt nice to have some fresh clothes on, especially his. They were way too big for her small frame, considering their height difference and all, so she felt like she had some extra protection, something to hide in.

Jay came back from the kitchen with a bottle of water and another fresh towel in his hands. He sat down beside her and handed her the items.

"Thanks."

She opened the bottle and took a few small sips, enjoying the cool sensation. Huh. When was the last time she drank just water? She didn't remember.

"I know you don't want to hear this but I really think you should see a doctor. Those bruises on your back..." He shook his head at the memory and she couldn't blame him. She had only seen her face so far. She could imagine how the rest looked. "I mean, how can you sure your ribs are okay? I also think that cut needs some stitches."

Erin glanced at him, trying not to smile, despite the heavy conversation. "I could be wrong, but isn't the other Halstead the one who went to med school? Aren't you the cop brother?"

"I'm serious, Erin." He didn't find her remark funny at all. "I think Chicago Med would be an appropriate place for you to be right now."

"No, I'm telling you, I'm fine." How many times in her life has she said those words?

"Fine." He released a deep breath, frustrated. "You don't have to go anywhere tonight. But I'm telling you we're going to see Will first thing in the morning."

Erin grimaced at the thought but it sounded ten times better than the hospital. He was only worried. She didn't really care about her body but she would do it, for Jay's sake. She agreed eventually. But Jay wasn't done talking.

"Can I ask you something?"

That couldn't be good. Erin's shoulders tensed up a little as she braced herself for the worst. But she nodded. He had the right to have questions.

"Why were you even with those guys in the first place? I mean, you said you didn't even really know them...I don't get it."

Of course, he didn't. He didn't see her like this. Erin didn't reply but instead shrugged and reached for her jacket that was still lying on the floor next to the couch. Jay watched her as she rummaged through the pockets and soon found what she was looking for. She was actually surprised they were still there, considering the turbulent fight with Travis.

She held the two plastic bags filled with white powder up between two fingers, waving them at him. She had told him enough tonight that she figured this couldn't be such a big deal in comparison. Boy, was she wrong.

Jay's eyes widened and then his expression darkened in a matter of seconds, lips pressing together in a thin line. He was shocked, angry and disappointed…who could blame him? This was pretty messed up after all.

"All right, Erin, you have about 3 seconds to give that to me or I swear I'll-"

"Jay, I was about to ask you to flush it," she interrupted him, no emotion in her voice. She held up her hand, offering him the drugs.

"Oh," was all he could manage. He studied her for a moment, not having expected her request. He took a deep breath, nodded reassuringly at her and snatched the baggies out of her hands. "In that case…"

He stood and left her alone in the living room. She looked after him, thinking about the fact that those drugs could ease her pain in a matter of minutes. But she couldn't. It was the right choice to get rid of them. Jay eventually returned and sat down on the coffee table to face her. She felt like he expected some kind of explanation. He deserved one.

"Bunny sent me to get them. She warned me about Travis but she sent me anyway 'cause she had to work tonight and couldn't go score herself." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I don't even know why I agreed to do it…"

"Hey, let's not talk about Bunny, okay?" He reached out to touch her arm again. "It's getting pretty late and you look ready to drop. You should rest and we'll talk to Voight tomorrow to figure things out. Sound good?"

No, that sounded anything but good to Erin. She didn't want Hank or the unit to get involved in her problems. For one, she had disappointed Hank enough already but most of all, she didn't want anyone to clean up her mess again and put themselves in harms way. She wouldn't make it if anything happened to them because of her. Not again. She would have to figure a way out to talk Jay out of that tomorrow.

"Hey." Jay waved his hand in front of her face to catch her attention, smiling nervously. "You still here?"

"Um, yeah, sounds good. Sorry."

He made sure she had some kind of bandage over her now clean wound before they made their way over to his bedroom. He helped her get settled on the soft mattress and pulled the comforter over her battered body, making sure she was all warm and comfortable.

"Do you need anything else?"

Yes, but you just flushed it down the toilet, she thought. She hated how much she wanted to have some painkillers right now but she knew she couldn't. She wanted to be better. For him. Although she would never admit that.

"No, I'm good, thanks," she said instead.

He smiled at her and was about to turn and leave when she grabbed his wrist, keeping him from moving. He turned his head around again and studied her questioningly, eyebrows raised in confusion.

"Stay, please. I don't…" She couldn't tell him the reason she wanted him to be here with her. She was afraid she would drown in her pain, nightmares, and inevitable cravings if he left. She didn't want to be alone. She looked up into his eyes, knowing she probably looked insane. Under normal circumstances, she would never be so...clingy and needy. She hated how she must seem now. But she couldn't help it. Her worries were washed away as he smiled warmly down at her.

"'Course. I'll be right back, all right?"

Erin released his arm and looked after him as he left the room to turn off the lights in the kitchen and living room. When he returned, she was laying on her good side, curled into a ball and facing the wall. She heard him go to the bathroom and change before he returned once again in a plain white shirt and dark sweatpants. He climbed into bed on his side and propped himself up on his elbow to watch her.

Erin felt his gaze on her and slowly rolled over on her back, wincing at the movements. She tilted her head a little to look over at him, catching him staring.

"What?" she whispered, suppressing a small yawn, as she turned all the way onto her back again.

"Nothing," he replied. "I'm just really glad you're here, you know..."

He trailed off, but clearly, he wanted to say more. She still couldn't wrap her head around how amazing he was. He was the best friend she ever had. But that thought made her sad because he deserved a good friend back. Not her, who kept screwing up, hurting him even though she knew he still cared.

Jay seemed like he was debating something, worried about doing the wrong thing. But after a moment, he hesitantly reached over and placed his hand over hers, rubbing his thumb over her soft but cold skin.

"It's all gonna be better tomorrow. I promise."

Erin really appreciated his efforts but she also knew he shouldn't make such promises. But she just nodded and squeezed his knuckles lightly, resting both their hands on her stomach. She faced the ceiling, closing her eyes but still feeling his gaze on her. That small connection of their hands actually distracted her from most of her worries right now. It was something to focus on instead of her aching body and dark thoughts that threatened to overwhelm her. Maybe it would even be enough to make her sleep peacefully for once. But all her energy had long vanished and soon, she found herself drifting off into oblivion, knowing that she could count on Jay, no matter what, even though she knew she didn't deserve it.