The Recovery
Chapter Ten: Pinky Swear
"You are being ridiculous."
"No, you're being ridiculous! Why can't you assess me yourself, or is the Lincense to Practice certificate on your wall counterfeit?" Maura recoiled in disgust at the thought.
"I am a Medical Examiner Jane. Somehow I don't think my expertise in studying corpses is going to be of much use to you. I am not a physical therapist." Jane's argument was greatly flawed and she knew it. She had run out of words so she put all her trust in her legs and willed them not to fail her as she battled gravity and stood from her chair. She braved turning a full circle as if giving the doctor the opportunity to assess her whole body before slumping back down as smoothly as possible. She panicked slightly at the black spots on her vision and the dizziness that made her want nothing more than to lie down. She smiled defiantly through the haze, as though her point was made.
"Jane Rizzoli" Maura challenged, mustering a maternal tone that stopped whatever track of argument Jane was preparing to go down as she stared dubiously "It doesn't take seven years in medical school to see you are fighting to stay upright! You agreed to weekly check-ups with Dr. Matthews before you were discharged. They are fundamental for a full recovery"
"I am recovering just fine!" She flared up at the mention of his name from her lips. She couldn't think clearly, each limb felt as if it was made of iron and every effort to move became too strenuous. Pain tainted with anger was a venomous mixture and it poisoned her thought processes. She didn't think before she spoke, fighting a pointless battle when she knew she had no hope of winning, the frustrations drove her on.
Maura kept an icy cool exterior, confident in the knowledge that she was completely right and waited patiently for that to dawn on her opponent. The first ten minutes were filled with valuable points from both sides, the last 5 were bordering on ludicrous. On the inside, she was panicking. After such a promising start to her stay, Jane seemed to be regressing in the last two days. She appeared content to sit in her chair, patting Joe or flicking through channels, even resorted in sleeping there the past couple of nights, no longer housing the energy to conquer the stairs, no matter Maura's encouragement.
The argument was taking a physical toll on Jane and she screwed her eyes shut, trying to force out the pain assaulting her. Oblivious to the fact Maura had been talking the whole time, she looked up to see her clearly waiting for some kind of response. Instead of anger, Maura opted for a tired sigh.
"I don't know when you lost faith in me Jane, but I hope for both our sakes you can learn to trust me again.' With that she swept from the room, through the kitchen and onto the back porch, grabbing a blanket and book as she went.
Jane drowned in the silence that flooded the room as she questioned how the argument even began. It stemmed purely from concern and love, Jane had responded as though it were a malicious attack and only the absence of her friend made her see it. She raised her right arm agonisingly slowly, as if fearing the damaged limp would snap under the strain. She overlooked the mind-numbing pain with sheer will-power as she extended it trembling, and reached toward the person she had more faith in than she hoped anyone would ever know.
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Maura still hadn't returned after her dramatic exit and was bound to the spot by both pride and embarrassment. Reading had done nothing to calm a rampant mind and the book lay cast aside on the loveseat. Pacing the raised porch that ran the length of the back of her house hadn't helped much either and she now stood resolved, overlooking her yard as her mind hummed. She could hear stirring behind her but refused to turn her head to acknowledge it. She was caught completely off guard when the door opened and laboured breaths grew closer as Jane wheeled in beside her, sucking in the night air for the first time in over a week. Maura remained composed and allowed her to get her bearings, realising she was taking a big step…figuratively speaking. Jane rested her crossed arms on the low wooden balustrade and sighed deeply. They stayed silent for a long moment, gazing out at Maura's large back yard bathed in the moonlight.
Jane finally turned her head so it lay on her crossed arms and examined her best friend. Still refusing to meet her gaze, her expression was stubborn, lit by the contrasting warm glow provided by the light through the kitchen drapes and the icy moon. She studied her response as she whispered.
"I'm sorry." Finally the hurt expression washed from her friends face and their eyes met.
"I know, I just wanted to hear you say it." She replied softly. A long moment passed.
"It's the nightmares." Jane whispered, defeated.
Maura had been oblivious to the real problem that mocked her friend. Nightmares; childish and irrational had completely halted all hope of a peaceful night sleep since she had started sleeping alone. It was the familiar repetitive loop of a dark room; she would hear nothing but harsh breaths on her neck, echoing laughter and whimpers of mercy. The dreams fled back to her in full force having been dormant for some time, they were now laced with gunshots and strangled cries. Having been woken so violently the first night she spent alone, she resolved to sleep downstairs to avoid waking Maura when she emptied her stomach or changed the sweat-drenched covers that always found a way to bind her while she thrashed from the villains in her sleep.
Maura gazed into the deep brown eyes and saw something had replaced the fear and doubt that came with her insecurities. Trust, pure and unmistakable. There Maura saw the irrefutable dependence she feared had wavered, strong as ever as it locked around her heart. A look so void of defence, an expression so free from the mask she often hid behind that offered protection from the outside world as people submitted to the power that mystery gave her.
For the last two days Maura lived in fear that she was steadily being exiled, but now as she took in Jane's completely broken defence and the trepidation in her eyes as she admitted weakness, she realised it was the fear of wounded pride that made Jane pull away. She cared too much for Maura's opinion, not too little. Jane tried desperately to channel all this into one look, communicating her apology non-verbally as her friend searched her eyes for any indication she was going to pull away. Satisfied in what she saw, she gave a tiny nod and disappeared for a second to retrieve the pain meds and a glass of water from the kitchen and returned quickly, closing the door.
Jane spoke before Maura had time to come up with a response to her admission, offering more.
"I don't like being alone." She spoke even quieter. Maura passed her the pills and the glass, fingers grazing as she slowly pulled away, trying desperately to vocalise her feelings.
"So I won't leave."
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They remained happy in quiet as they waited for the medication to take effect, both in awe of the effect the moon had on the garden, catching a tree-trunk or blade of grass and making them glow. An old memory suddenly flooded through a sleepy Jane and she gasped slightly, gently clutched her stomach.
"Are you okay?" Maura asked in a near-whisper, as she turned to rest on the porch banister and faced detective to her right in the chair, not wanting to break the smooth atmosphere.
"Yeah, just a stomach knot." Maura suddenly looked seriously alarmed, startling the other woman.
"Jane this is serious, it could indicate serious anxiety, panic, PTSD..." She spoke with quiet urgency.
"Calm it Doc, do I look like I need a paper bag?" Jane grinned again and was tickled by the familiar sensation. "You know when you are really happy and it catches you off guard? Seeing or recalling something beautiful you didn't expect, your stomach knots and butterflies… I swear I can almost feel it" a drowsy Jane smiled and rubbed her stomach. The smile was so child-like and innocent, so unlike the sarcastic smirk or weary chuckle she often exhibited that Maura inhaled sharply. Happy stomach-knot?
"Yeah I know the feeling" Maura grinned back, startled at the back flips her own stomach was performing. "What caught you off guard?"
"Just memories" The somnolent Jane gazed back at the garden "Wanna hear a story?" Maura hummed affirmatively and slid down the wood railing to ease her aching legs from standing for so long, she herself was beginning to feel very sleepy as she hugged her knees and tuned in to Jane's story telling voice. "I was twelve…"
The three Rizzoli children had suffered their first loss of a close family member that summer; Angela's mother had passed away and they were at a complete loss of how to handle it. The day of the funeral, the three bonded together, remaining one strong unit to support their hysterical mother, and lightening the mood between them by cracking the occasional joke about an Aunt's hat or a cousin's funny hair cut.
They stayed mostly silent all day, an offer much appreciated and one that they rarely extended without being asked. Solemnly accepting hugs and pats on the back from random 'family members' saying how they had grown. It saddened the young Jane that it took a death for these people to appear. They returned home and Frank ushered the still sobbing Angela up the stairs, leaving the three children at a complete loss of how to behave. They were all hit with the realisation that no one is invincible. Ma and Grandma were super heroes, the strongest women and role models any one could ask for, today one was buried and one was curled in bed, broken by grief. It was a wake-up call and Jane suddenly felt an over-whelming sense of duty to the family tugging at her chest. She stood abruptly from where the three sat in a daze and began making peanut-butter and fluff sandwiches. The middle Rizzoli followed suit and poured three glasses of milk in silence as seven year old Tommy gazed out the window.
They ate in silence before the youngest stood quickly, clapping in delight,
"Janie, look!" He cried, pointing out the window.
"What is it?" She raised an eyebrow as the boy leapt across the room, grabbing two blankets and tugging at his siblings in turn. They grabbed the plates and followed the animated child as he led the way down the steps into the family back-yard. He spread the blanket and signalled for the others to lie down. Jane laughed and wished she could have taken a picture of his displeased expression as he squeezed in-between the two of them, wanting to be in the middle. Sandwiches lay half-eaten beside them as a tiny blanket was draped over the three. The mid-summer night air was at a perfect temperature, offering a relief from the stuffy day-time heat. The blanket was a comfort rather than a necessity as they snuggled together.
"Tommy, why are we out here?" Jane whispered softly, staring at her brother, not wanting to taint the lazy silence as Boston slept. All hyperactivity had swept from the small boy as his eyes were huge with awe and pointed a tiny finger. All three Rizzoli children looked up and drank in the sight of a wondrous blanket of stars jewelling the black sky through identical brown eyes.
"They are moving!" Frankie's voice was an excited whisper as Jane recalled a weatherman mentioning a meteor-shower this morning as she gulped down cereal and the tangles were yanked from her hair. She saw one, two, three shoot across the night sky, daring the three children to make a wish. Jane wished to be strong for her family, Frankie wished to be as strong as his sister and Tommy wished for a new bike. Jane's head lolled to one side and noticed for the first time the full moon that looked down upon the Rizzoli house. Jane always liked the night-time, the dark provided mystery and wonder and the moon served as a night-light, banishing monsters in the shadows.
They stayed that way until she could feel the dew-dampened blanket stick to her back, the only thing indicating a passing of time. She saw Frankie rub his eyes in furious attempt to stay awake, to look at the stars just a while longer. She heard Tommy's soft, regular breaths beside her as he slept, feeling completely protected by the two around him. Muttering softly, she swept the youngest up in her arms despite his dead weight and her tiny frame; responsibility gave her new-found strength. She watched Frankie juggling the blankets and plates, eyes barely open as he climbed the steps after her.
"...That was a really good day, as far as funerals go. I guess this just kind of reminded me." She nodded at the yard, seeming to have lulled herself into a trance as well as the woman gazing up at her. Maura was spellbound by Jane's deep voice and responded like a child hearing a bedtime story. She quickly wiped tears she hadn't realised had fallen and smiled. Jane told her because she felt she could. She was subconsciously showing Maura that she trusted her with a story that stuck out in her childhood as important, that showed her vulnerability. Jane finally returned from her past and looked down to see at some point their hands had joined, fingers intertwined.
Jane shivered slightly, both at the memory and at the sensation of the blonde's thumb stroking delicate circles on her palm. Maura reluctantly disconnected, reaching the short distance to retrieve the blanket she had cast aside with the book and wrapped it round Jane's frame. She stood behind her and rubbed her upper-arms both for comfort and warmth.
"I feel like an old lady." Jane joked softly, pulling at the blanket and indicating the chair.
"Hey you had better get used to it, this is exactly what it will be like in 50 years" Running both hands down the length of her arms from behind and locking their fingers together once more. Her chin rested on Jane's right shoulder and the soft voice tickled her ear. "Except I will also be in a chair and our hands wont be nearly as smooth" she chuckled and moved to lean against the wood railing once more, amusedly watching as Jane's heart halted altogether. Did she just imply we are going to grow old together? That in 50 years, she will still hold my hand, even when I haven't been shot at? She tried to compose her confusion and choked a reply.
"You feel like elucidating Maura?" The doctor wore an expression of mock hurt as she clasped her heart.
"I take our LLBFF vow very seriously and plan to honour it even in old age! I was of course referring to life-long portion of the pact; I thought it was fairly self explanatory. You will move in here when we are old and frail, unless you want to live in a Nursing-home? I would prefer for us to care for one another, or hire a residential nurse if necessary, but I guess I can compromise… That's unless you are backing out?" Maura suppressed a laugh as she savoured the other woman's expression; Jane was very tired, therefore incapable of stopping her mouth drop open slightly at the speech. She has yet to mention a husband? She was in awe at the apparent thought the blonde had put into their futures, even if she was joking. Maura raised an eyebrow, challenging her. Jane coughed.
"Jane Rizzoli doesn't back out of a deal, no matter how painful" She laughed at Maura's hurt expression "Hey, kidding. I wouldn't dream of it any other way" They both laughed at the ridiculousness of the conversation, caught up entirely in the fantasy and the joy in the others eyes. "Are you?" Jane questioned seriously.
"Mm?"
"Backing out? Here is your chance because, come to think of it, we never pinky swore." Maura adopted a look of serious contemplation as she stalked around the detective in a slow circle, silently eying her up and down before coming to a halt in front of her and presenting her pinky. She wore a look of such complete adorableness Jane nearly melted right there.
"Life Long Best Friends Forever?" She proposed. The pair laughed, Maura's light giggle harmonising with Jane's deep chuckle as their little fingers joined.
"Life Long Best Friends Forever." She vowed. If that's all you're offering, I will take it whole-heartedly.