Doc Martin belongs to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 10

Ruth was napping herself when Martin peeked into the den. So James was upstairs asleep, he thought. He ascended quietly and peeked into James' room. His son was sleeping peacefully. Then he crossed the hall to see Louisa. She was lying on her side with her back to the door but the way the sun was filtering into the room, he could see a tear rolling down her cheek which made him certain that she was awake.

"Louisa," he said softly.

"Martin?" she asked, and turned herself around so that she could see if it was really him.

"I don't want to bother you if you are trying to sleep," Martin said.

Louisa wiped the tear from her face and patted the bed. "No, I'm not going to fall asleep. You aren't bothering me. I was just thinking," she said.

"Yes. I was as well," Martin said. "And I want to tell you a few things that I have been thinking about if you feel up to it." He walked over and sat down beside her.

"Sure, Martin. Go ahead. After all of that crying earlier, it is obvious that something is deeply bothering you," Louisa said.

"Louisa, I have spent nearly every minute since I left you at the hospital yesterday going over our relationship in my mind. You see, I had a talk with Ruth after you left for the airport and I have realized that I have been very unfair and selfish toward you. There is so much that I need to tell you, some of it things I didn't even know myself until speaking with Ruth," Martin said. "I hardly know where to begin."

"Well it sounds like maybe you need to begin by telling me what you learned from Ruth," Louisa said.

"Perhaps I should start with something before that. Louisa, I guess you remember the day that Danny's lung collapsed?" Martin asked.

"With total clarity," Louisa replied.

"Well, what you don't know, and I suppose I should have told you long ago, is that the reason I told you to shut-up that day was because when you came to the surgery, I had just walked out to clear my head. My mother had just finished telling me that she and my father were divorcing and that she had wasted forty years of her life - because of me," Martin said. His eyes began to tear slightly, but he drew in a breath. He didn't want to break down right now. He wanted to talk. And listen.

Louisa opened her eyes as widely as she could and just as quickly she closed them tightly and shook her head. Then her tears started and she grabbed Martin's hand in hers and squeezed it. "Oh Martin," she said. "I knew that you and your father didn't get along and that he had used harsh punishments. Then of course when you never spoke of your parents and didn't want them invited to our wedding, I knew things must have been bad. Of course now I have seen your mother myself and I…..well….I had words with her at the airport yesterday."

Now it was Martin's turn to open his eyes widely. "You….what….what happened?" he asked.

"Well, Martin, she spouted off just one more thing about you and I had just had enough. I told her I didn't like her and I thought that her treatment of you was terrible. I had been feeling more and more anger toward her while she had been here and now I am glad to see the back of her. Did you really give her the clock?" Louisa asked.

Martin shook his head and said, "Certainly not. After you left and I had talked to Ruth I finally decided to confront her about why she was here." With disgust in his voice he said, "She had been telling me she wanted things to be different between the two of us. That she knew she had made mistakes. Then she began to tell me that my father had given some sort of death-bed confession about loving me and being proud of me. I attacked her statements, knowing that someone who had suffered a severe stroke could not possibly have said all those things, at least not without considerable difficulty. She then changed her story to say that he had instead had a heart attack."

Louisa stared at Martin, alarmed by the depth of anger she was hearing from him, and feeling within herself. Martin continued. "Finally I got her to admit that the real reason she was here was to get money. She wanted three hundred thousand pounds. I told her no, that I had a patient to see and to be gone when I returned." He shook his head again. "I guess I should have figured she would help herself to something while I was gone. Oh well, let her have the clock. Maybe it will keep her out of the gutter until she finds some poor sod to keep her in the manner she enjoys."

Martin paused and looked down, shaking his head. Louisa sat up fully on the bed and took her uninjured hand and lifted his chin so that he would have to look her in the eye. "Martin," she said, "is this how things have always been for you? Was she always so cruel and mean?"

"Louisa, I don't quite know how to answer that question. I...well, when I was growing up I was always so unhappy. Nothing ever seemed to work out right. Someone was always bullying me, I wet my pants well beyond the age that most children stop, I was picked on for being smart. You name it, it happened to me. My parents were, I believe, embarrassed by me. I wasn't good at sport, I was generally awkward and I always felt that I was weak - the way I knew my parents saw me. I didn't really think that they were wrong. I thought I was" Martin answered.

"Oh Martin," Louisa said but Martin interrupted her.

"But now I am wondering about some things that Ruth told me. Wondering what to think about them. Wondering how to deal with them because I have a great deal of respect for Aunt Ruth, as a person and as a physician. She told me that when I was four years old, I was a vulnerable and sensitive boy and then by the time I had turned six I had almost "shut down" due to the behavior of my parents. I am trying to make sense of all of this. It sounds as if I started out on one path in my life, the path that was natural for me which was to be vulnerable and sensitive, and got rerouted...onto... this path of ...I don't even know what to call it. I must admit it all has me confused because I have never wanted to be thought of as vulnerable or sensitive - those seem to be qualities of someone who is weak and I don't want to be weak."

"Martin," Louisa began again but he interrupted her again.

"Louisa I need to try to finish this, I'm sorry, but I am afraid if I stop my train of thought I will never get back on track. It's just that it seems to me, as I have looked back on so many occasions in our relationship, the few times I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and sensitive are the times things have worked with us. Really worked." Louisa nodded her head in agreement. "And yet, as a physician, it seems that when I get too sensitive, I am unable to work. And when I love someone as much as I love you and James, I am completely overwhelmed by it. I believe now that the haemophobia came on originally when I truly began to feel a strong empathy with the patient I was to operate on that day and her family. Somehow my sensitive side rushed back, I became frightened and overwhelmed and was suddenly so vulnerable and afraid of the blood that I could not go on. So, what am I to do? If I am sensitive, it seems I can have you, but I can't function. If I live my life the way I have lived it for the last thirty odd years, I can at least function as a doctor, but not, it seems, as a man who can love his wife and child in the way that they need. You see, it is as I told you before I operated, I need your help."

Louisa just looked at Martin and then hugged him with her good arm. He lightly hugged her back. "Martin," she said, "we can't solve all of this today, obviously. But it does sound like you are on the right track. I have been doing my own thinking too. I see that I am too quick to run. I have realized that I don't want to be left again the way my mother left dad and me, but I don't want to run anymore either and act the way she did. My thinking has been that our relationship is causing your insomnia and the return of your blood phobia, and that I should leave before you can leave me. This is a crazy mess. I don't know if we can figure this out on our own Martin. I just don't know. But you surprised me yesterday when you said you didn't want things to go back to the way they had been."

"I wasn't trying to surprise or manipulate you when I said that; just speaking the truth. But the sad thing is that I don't know if there is any way to change things to the way they need to be for the optimum welfare of you and James," Martin said. "I just don't know."

Thanks for reading. I'd love some more feedback - this one is very introspective. Do I need to lighten up a bit?