Chapter Ten
Nikki stood in shocked silence as she watched Helen thrash around on the bed; her covers being kicked away as they tangled around her feet, and sweat dripped from her face as she cried out in muffled, incoherent screams.
"Helen, wake up!" Rushing in panic towards the bed, Nikki gently shook Helen, and held onto her body to stop the lashing out of her flailing limbs.
"Get off of me, no…no, don't touch me!" Helen continued to lash out violently, until she started to rouse from her unconscious state, and the intensity of the gaze from her otherwise unseeing eyes chilled Nikki to her bone.
"Helen, it's me, Nikki. I'm not going to hurt you." Nikki felt Helen's body enervate in her arms and suddenly become prostrate. All she could hear was Helen's deep breaths as she fought to replenish some much needed oxygen into her lungs.
"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Nikki felt Helen's head slowly nod on her shoulder. She could also feel the moisture from the small woman's forehead soak through her top and dampen her skin.
"You really sure?" There was a pause before again, Helen nodded with uncertainty.
"I don't think you are." Nikki pulled away slightly so she could see Helen's face but still keep her arms around her. Helen's cheeks were flushed and tear stained as she looked up at her friend, her hollow eyes almost pleading for Nikki to understand.
"I'll be fine in a minute." Helen's hoarse whisper did nothing to reassure Nikki. There was nothing convincing about the statement whatsoever - even Helen didn't truly believe what she was saying, but still she clung on to the illusion that everything was hunky-dory.
"How long have you been having these nightmares? And don't lie to me, Helen; I'll know if you don't tell me the truth." Helen wondered how in such a short space of time Nikki Wade had managed to get into her psyche and somehow, almost clairvoyantly understand what she was thinking. She had been about to lie and brush this nightmare off as a first and a last. But Nikki, as always, knew better. If she lied now Nikki would only push her into admitting the truth. So she spared herself the hassle and for once didn't try to brush away her problems.
"Ever since I left the hospital." Helen sounded somewhat humiliated in her confession, like it was something to be ashamed of. Adults weren't supposed to let their fears creep into their dreams as far as she was concerned, and the shame showed in the deep blush on her cheeks.
"Why haven't you told me about this. Christ, Helen, it's no good bottling this stuff up. Things only get worse if you don't talk about them."
"I know that, but…" Nikki felt Helen become rigid as she paused and she noticed the look in Helen's eyes change from sadness to terror as she began to recall something in her mind.
"But what?"
"They scare me so much, and talking about it…that scares me even more. I don't want to remember. When I wake up I want to shut it all out and pretend what I'm seeing isn't real. I thought they would stop when you moved in, but last night…they got even more vivid."
"Are you dreaming of the attack?" Nikki asked reluctantly, but knowing for Helen's sake she had to probe deeper.
"Yes." A small and suppressed sob escaped Helen's quivering lips.
"Shh, come here. Don't cry." Nikki pulled Helen back into her arms and tenderly brushed her right hand over the small brunette's back to sooth her; wishing it would be enough to take all the pain away.
"You should speak to someone about it - a professional." Nikki said in a whisper.
"No!" Helen jerked her body away in sudden anger, but Nikki held gently onto her.
"Okay, it was just a suggestion." Helen paused momentarily, then let herself slide back into Nikki's tender embrace. Safe in the knowledge that Nikki wouldn't force her into seeing a counsellor. She had all the support she wanted and needed right here in Nikki's arms, where she could feel safe and loved.
"What is it that scares you?" Nikki pulled herself and Helen under the duvet and lay back against the pillows with Helen's head resting gently on her chest.
She felt Helen relax, her body becoming less rigid and she heard a small heartfelt sigh leave Helen's lips. Nikki waited patiently for Helen to speak, but for a very long time only the ticking from the alarm clock was heard. She had almost given up when Helen finally broke the silence.
"It is the uncertainty and the feeling of terror that the nightmares invoke in me. I'm sometimes even scared of going to sleep, knowing that the minute my eyes are closed I'm going to relive that night over again." She hesitated while trying to gather her thoughts. Nikki sensed she needed time so she kept silent, even as a thousand questions burned in her mind.
"I keep running and I can't escape. Someone always grabs hold of me and drags me into this dark tunnel… I try fighting this thing….this person off of me, but he is too strong… and then…" once more Helen stopped talking.
"What happened?" Nikki said quietly still stroking Helen's back with great care and tenderness.
"I don't know," Helen said and let out a deep moan. "I don't even know if it is real or just something my imagination has created. I never see a face, or hear a voice. I just see hands coming towards me, and I can feel the fingers digging into my skin. I think I might be going crazy, Nikki."
"No, you're not…" Nikki tried to figure out how to reassure Helen without suddenly blurting out that she loved her with all her heart and would never let anything bad happen to her.
"You know…" she said tentatively, but was cut short by Helen suddenly sitting up in the bed.
"Nikki, what time is it?"
Rather puzzled Nikki looked at the alarm clock.
"It's nearly 2pm…why?"
"Shit, I've got to get ready, I have a lunch date with Thomas. I promised I would meet him for a walk in the park. I've only got half an hour to get ready." Helen shouted as she sped out of the bed with amazing precision for a blind person, and headed straight for the bathroom, acting surprisingly like the last fifteen minutes had not happened.
Nikki let out an exasperated and very frustrated groan. She silently cursed Thomas with all of her heart. She couldn't help but feel like he was taking Helen away from her, even if she knew that Helen was not hers to retain. She slowly sat up and looked around the room, realising this was the first time she had been so close to Helen's personal space. Her heart lurched as she tried to commit each intricate detail to mind; from the smell that hung in the air, to the colours and textures that made up the room. Every fixture and fitting gave her a deeper insight into the woman she loved.
Nikki's attentions were soon drawn towards the door as Helen came bounding back into the room, wrapped snugly in a small, fluffy white towel that merely covered her mid-section, while her dampened hair dripped periodically onto her bare shoulders. Nikki watched in silent awe, her hormones raging at the sight before her. She knew she shouldn't be staring so intently, but she somehow couldn't draw her eyes away.
"Have you seen my jeans?" Helen asked while rummaging through a drawer in order to find something suitable to wear. Nikki reluctantly directed her eyes to the floor and taking another look around, found the inside-out jeans discarded on the floor. She picked them up and handed them to Helen, who was now standing in a nice, yet plain white top that clung to her curves and a pair of panties that Nikki momentarily glanced at before diverting her gaze in embarrassed lust.
"Thanks." She quickly pulled on the stonewashed, skinny fit denims. "Okay, well, I best be off. I'll maybe see you later, Nikki" Helen said as she walked out the door, apparently without a care in the world.
The deafening silence that engulfed the apartment sent Nikki's mood below zero. She so much wanted to tell Helen how she really felt about her, but she was terrified that the object of her desire would back away and dismiss her, no longer wanting her help or even worse not having her live with her in the apartment. Opting to keep her emotions bottled up meant she kept Helen as a friend; spilling those pent up feelings would only result in her own heartache. No matter which way she went it would end in her being burned, and Thomas Waugh was adding fuel to that fire.
Walking back through the living room to her own room, she sat down at her desk, where the heavy textbook lay open. It was part of Helen's curriculum, but now Nikki had recorded it on to CD's so Helen would be able to hear it, and hopefully not fail her degree. Nikki on the other hand knew what the outcome to her own studies would be. She had neglected her coursework since day one at Larkhall, and as the first term began to draw to a close she knew, if things weren't rectified and soon, then she would be forced to leave University and Helen behind.
The idea had crossed her mind a million times; to move on to pastures new. To a place where she was content, doing her own thing, leading her own life, the way she choose to. Had it not been for Helen she knew she would already have packed and gone. But for the last three weeks she had been happier than she could ever remember; until the last few days. The closeness she and Helen had seemingly shared had began to dissipate at an alarmingly rapid speed, and the gaping void between them had started to appear. Something in Helen had changed and Nikki couldn't put her finger on what it was. One minute Helen would appear to be "normal", chatting away, smiling, sometimes even going as far as to flirt back at Nikki's blatant, innuendo. Then like a rain cloud had descended over her head she would clam up and retreat into herself, blocking Nikki and everyone else out. To say Nikki was confused by the behaviour would be an understatement. But she continually let it pass without question. Never once did she allow herself to believe that Helen was perhaps developing the same feelings she herself was harbouring.
Instead she had come to the conclusion that each of them had a different agenda from their new found friendship. Nikki was there to help Helen, and Helen was there to help herself. And now that Helen was slowly finding her feet, with the added assistance of a certain male, whose amorous advances were like a magnet pulling Helen towards him; Nikki felt surplus to requirements.
Placing the last piece of sticky-tape over the package she had newly wrapped, Nikki sat it back down on her desk top and moved forlornly towards her bed. Getting down on her hands and knees she dragged her suitcase from beneath and lifted it on to her mattress.
She needed a clean slate, and as her days at Larkhall were numbered, and her chances of a life with Helen impossible, she decided it was time to go while her head was still held high.
By the time Helen would return from her day out with Thomas she would be packed and gone; onto a new life where there was no more failures and no more broken hearts.
Nikki skulked stealthily into the pub where she was due to work that evening, her suitcase being wheeled despondently behind her. She was in a decidedly dismal mood, having made her decision to leave what meant the most to her, Helen. But she had to; otherwise her heart would surely be even more shattered than it already was. She knew she could not stand by and watch the love of her life swan off into the arms of another person, and a man of all things.
She felt a sudden twinge of sadness tug at her heart as she stopped to take a look around, viewing the familiar sea of faces that sat around the small wooden tables in front of her. One or two looked up from their drinks long enough to smile in her direction, or to give her a nod of acknowledgement, which she duly returned. She knew nothing about these people who she had fondly come to know as regulars frequenting her place of work, but these faces without names were a constant source of comfort when she needed it. Their hearty banter and quick wit while waiting to be served always somehow managed to brighten Nikki's day, and that she would miss terribly.
As she had packed her bags less than a few hours before, she had thought of everything she would be giving up in order to start a new life. But as she stood here in the reality of it all, the magnitude of her hasty choices hit her. She had not thought about the impact of leaving all her friends behind too. It was not only her very private personal life but also her more professional life she was leaving. Not to mention giving up her studies which she had fought so hard for.
"Hiya, Nik, you're early for a change. You feeling all right?" Trish's cheerful voice pulled her out of her dark musings.
"Hi, Trish…" Nikki was not really in the mood for the happy smile on Trish's face and the beaming, lust filled eyes. She knew Trish had a thing for her, but she was not interested. There was only one woman she wanted, and she couldn't have her.
"What are those bags doing here?" Trish asked as she spotted the suitcase and the matching holdall on the floor in front of the bar.
Nikki did not answer right away. She only gave Trish a dark, sullen look, which said a thousand words.
"You're leaving, aren't you?" The happy look on Trish's face had evaporated into thin air and a distinct panicked look haunted her eyes.
Nikki only nodded to confirm Trish's question. She was in no mood for discussing the ins and outs of her private life with somehow whom she knew could make matters worse.
"But why? You seem so settled here. Is there problems at home? Is Helen being a bit problematic again?" Trisha's rapid firing of questions sounded desperate, and bordering on frantic.
"If there was problems at "home" I'd be the last one to hear about them. And Helen's fine, I just feel like I need a fresh start."
"But…" Before Trisha could carry on Nikki raised her hand to stop her in her tracks.
"I will work my last shift tonight, and after that you will have to get someone else in to help you work the bar. I'm sorry that it's short notice, but it's the way it has to be."
"Sure," Trisha didn't know what emotion to convey first. Shock, anger, fear, loss, and a multitude of other feelings coursed through her at once. But in the end she settled for numbness.
"I'll miss you Nikki. I know we never hit it off in the way I wanted us to, what with you having feelings for Helen, but…" Trisha tried to downplay the jealousy in her voice, but it needn't have mattered, for Nikki was no longer listening to her.
"Shit! Trisha, I'll be right back. I've forgotten to do something important back at the flat. I won't be long. Take care of my bags for me." Without waiting for a response Nikki shot off out through the doors like a piston. She had forgotten to place the wrapped, homemade audio CD's in a place where Helen was bound to find them. If she hurried home now she would be able to get back to the apartment to put them in the right place before Helen would be back; no doubt with Thomas in tow.
"Okay, but hurry… the place will be crowded…" Trish shouted after her but the words fell on deaf ears.
Helen had rushed out of the apartment totally oblivious to the fact that Nikki had looked absolutely devastated by the apparent joy she had displayed at meeting up with Thomas.
Thomas Waugh had come into Helen's life through a chance encounter while on the Summer break from University, when herself and a few friends had booked themselves a much needed holiday on one of the Spanish islands. The pair had found it incredible that they should meet for the first time, hundreds of miles away from home, when they lived around the corner from each other on the student campus. And so a steady friendship had begun, which lasted the duration of their two week stay.
Helen's friends had goaded her about the amount of time she was spending with the handsome pre-med student; comments which she laughed off to their face, but spent hours mulling over in private. So what if she was spending more time with Thomas and his annoying friend, Sean that she was with them? She was having fun.
Thomas was gorgeous; everything she should want in a man. So why hadn't she felt anything more for him than friendship? This was a question she was determined to now find the answer to.
"It's starting to rain, we should probably head back." The light autumn drizzle began to trickle slowly from the clouds above; not enough to soak them, but enough to alert them to the fact a good old British rain storm could at any minute ensue.
Thomas' suggestion at a walk in the campus grounds had seemed like such a romantic gesture, but if she was being honest Helen would have admitted that the idea didn't really have an impact on her. The novelty of looking at the lovely scenery was lost on her due to her current predicament, but somehow Thomas didn't seem to consider this fact.
At first Helen wondered if he was embarrassed to make comment, having realised his faux pas. But as the day wore on she soon came to realise that Thomas was practically oblivious to her lack of sight. If this was a good thing or not she couldn't decided, but small alarm bells were beginning to go off in her head and an uneasy feeling began to churn in the pit of her stomach.
Switching off from listening to Thomas ramble on about a peace protest he was thinking of joining in on at the weekend, Helen began to amuse herself with thoughts of Nikki, and what kind of day her friend was having.
She pictured Nikki laying on the sofa of their home, singing along, albeit out of tune, to the songs on her CD player, as she chilled out, reading one of her favourite novels. A smile crept onto Helen's lips at the thought. Nikki didn't know she was listening in, but from her bedroom, Helen would sit by the doorway, lost in her own mind, as Nikki's voice wafted through the flat. She was no Whitney or Mariah, that Nikki would have agreed on herself, but Helen loved to hear her, and know that her friend was close-by.
"Let's have dinner, on me. That little Italian restaurant on Garrick Street looks delicious, and that new club, "Enigma" is right next door. We could make a night of it."
"I don't know, Thomas. It's Sunday, and we both have lectures in the morning." Helen couldn't have cared less if she made it to her classes the next day, but it was the best excuse she could come up with. All she wanted to do was go home, and curl up beside Nikki and have her friend read to her as she relaxed.
"Oh, come on, Helen. Live a little! It won't kill you to have some fun!"
"But…"
"But nothing. I'm not taking no for an answer." He smiled, taking Helen's hand a little more forcefully than she appreciated. Thomas started to walk away with Helen having no choice but to follow beside him. Her mind screamed for her to leave, but her legs carried on walking.
A few hours later she was wishing she had followed her intuition, rather than Thomas Waugh.
Helen glanced down without thinking to the watch that sat on her wrist,now there purely for decorative purposes and wondered what time it was. She imagined it to be around 9pm, but she had no way of knowing for sure. Thomas had excused himself to go to the bathroom a few minutes before, so she sat alone at their table in Bertorelli's - a little family-run Italian restaurant in the centre of town.
She could feel the heat from the lone candle in the middle of the table radiate across her face as she leaned forward resting her tilted head on her hand, whilst stifling a yawn with the other.
"Surely you can't be tired yet?" Thomas' voice echoed from nearby.
"Well, actually Thomas…"
"I've paid the bill, so if you're ready to go?" Thomas held Helen's light cardigan in his hands and helped her into it in a very gentlemanly manner that most women would have appreciated. But the gesture was lost on Helen who was still reeling from Thomas' blatant dismissal of what she was about to say. She knew fine well why he was doing so - he wanted her to go to the club with him so he could parade her to his friends, despite her continual protests to be taken home.
"Thomas!" Helen said a little too loudly. She heard the restaurant hush for a moment, before the diners picked back up their cutlery and resumed their chatter.
"Thomas…I'm really not in the mood to be going out drinking, so if you would kindly take me home I would appreciate it." Helen said in a quieter tone so as not to cause a further scene.
"But, Helen…please…just one drink then I swear to you that I will accompany you back to the dorms safely. Just the one…for me…" Thomas held her shoulders in a firm grip as he practically begged her to join him next door - and with a sigh Helen relented.
"Fine, but just the one, okay?"
"Promise. You have my word." He answered with a large, sly grin as he escorted her towards "Enigma".
The blaring music rang around Helen's ears as she walked into the club, stopping beside a large fake palm-tree to wait on Thomas who was still being frisked at the door. With her sight gone, her hearing had become far more acute than she appreciated. Noisy environments like this were a nightmare to her ears.
"Right, what are you having to drink?" Thomas took hold of her hand as he suddenly appeared next to her and started to walk on to the main dance floor and across to one of the bars.
"Just a coke for me," Helen bellowed trying to make her voice heard over the pounding dance beats.
"You can do better than that, Helen…come on…"
"Okay, get me a bottle of beer - any kind, it doesn't matter" Helen knew she wouldn't drink it, but if it got Thomas off her back then so be it.
"Sit here, I'll be right back." Thomas spoke in her ear as he lent down towards her, guiding her onto a plush black leather sofa - and Helen did as she was told. As she waited she tapped her fingernails idly onto the table in front her, matching the rhythms of the pounding music. It was a habit of hers she did unconsciously when she was bored rigid. Within minutes she heard the recognizable clunking sound of glass bottles being placed on the table and she felt a hand slowly come towards her and softly rest on her left shoulder.
"Thanks," She replied, reaching out carefully to lift her drink. As she did so an all too familiar smell wafted into her nostrils and she felt her body automatically stiffen in fear. In a flash a picture coursed through her mind - the same scenes she witnessed every night in her dreams. But this was no dream - this was a living nightmare. In seconds the horrific events of her attack were played back in her memory, like an action replay.
Quickly jumping to her feet, she pushed away the hand from her shoulder with a vigorous movement, sending its owner almost flying backwards on the dance floor.
"Get away from me!" she yelled and fumbled towards the entrance door unknowing of the puzzled looks that followed her hasty exit, and without hearing Thomas calling out after her.
She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, though she was not quite sure where she was going. She was literally running blindly towards, she hoped, the campus. She suddenly heard footsteps and a feeling of sickness swelled in her stomach. She had stopped running and stood breathlessly steadying herself against a wall. She listened intently to the sound of the footsteps. They were light, so it was definitely not a man. She relaxed slightly and tried to locate the direction the person was walking. By the sound of the heels on the pavement it seemed that the person came directly towards her.
She took a deep breath and tentatively asked:
"Can you please tell me, where I am… I mean which road I'm on?"
"Yes, dear," an elderly woman's voice answered tenderly. It was warm and gentle, almost like a balm to Helen's frail nerves. "You're standing on the corner of Berkley Street - next to the University."
"Thank you... so very much…" Helen said with great relief. By a stroke of luck she had managed to run in the right direction. She was only one block away from the apartment where she knew Nikki would be waiting for her. And Nikki would be able to help her, of that she was sure.
Nikki had walked into the dark empty apartment with some apprehension. To both her relief and her disappointment the room was empty and silent; Helen wasn't home yet. She soon found the wrapped package on her computer desk in the deserted room. She picked it up and stood for a moment, weighing it in her hands. Then she turned on her heel and walked back into the living room towards the kitchen. She placed the package on the kitchen table near the sink where she knew Helen always placed her coffee cup. She took one final sad glance around and headed for the door. She was about to reach for the doorknob as she heard something outside. Before she could decide what to do, the door flung open revealing Helen in a state of panic. She was shaking and tears had started to run down her face, taking with it her mascara. Her clothes looked crumpled and slightly disarrayed but not torn or dirty. Yet it was enough to make Nikki fearful.
"My God, Helen!" she said with horror colouring her voice. "What's happened to you?" All thoughts of leaving were now at the back of her mind, and her main focus turned to Helen, who was in obvious distress.
"Oh, Nikki!" Helen sobbed and lashed herself forward in the direction where the familiar voice came from.
"I know who did it" she said between sobs, hugging herself tightly into the contours of Nikki's body, where she felt herself melt. "I know who it was that attacked me,"