Chapter 9:

We're Off to See the Wizard! …er…King…

Soren sighed as he walked in. "Um…hi…Ike."

"Soren!" Ike hugged him. "Good morning!"

Soren twitched, and the urge to set Ike on fire was rising. "I need to talk to you about something."

"What is it, bestest buddy?"

He twitched again. "Well, to put it bluntly, you need a tactician. I was forced to become it. So…here's my report." Soren shoved a piece of paper into Ike's hand. "Read it, if you can. It'll help us. Now, I'm going to go…uh…not plan to kill you…" Soren left.

All of the mercenaries, who kill people, gathered up new supplies from the long battle before. Especially Oscar who broke a Javelin, and a Short Spear.

Out on the road

"This place brings back such memories," Titania said. "Especially the ones I made up about Greil and I having-

"Ooh! Lookie! A bug!" Ike said, pointing at a bug scurrying across the ground.

Titania stepped on it. "You're supposed to be listening to me!"

"Aw…but you always tell me about your sick fantasies with my father!"

"Ike!" came a voice.

Mordecai rushed up to him.

Ike blinked. "What is it?"

"Are you tired?"

"That's all you wanted to ask me? Because, we're fine."

"Beorc are weak!" Lethe shouted. "I hate them all!! Die, die, die!"

"You know, Shinon and Lethe would've gotten along pretty well," Soren said.

"Lethe…you are what Soren likes to say about Ike. You're a moron."

Ike giggled. "I am a moron!"

Suddenly, Mordecai stopped moving. "I smell iron, and beorc. They're coming to kill."

Mordecai was right, there were soldiers coming to kill. They were led by Kotaff, a creepy old guy.

Soren sighed. "Daeins."

Ilyana drooled. "Daeins? Today, I shall feast!!!" Everyone backed away from her.

Ike blinked. "So, some of the invasion force is still around?"

Lethe hissed. "I hate them all."

Mordecai growled. "Let's slaughter them all."

"Titania!" Ike ordered. "Gather everyone!"

Lethe glared at Ike.

Ike blinked. "What?"

"Will you fight or flee?"

"Fight."

"So will we!" Mordecai screamed, dragging Lethe with him to the front.

"Mist, Rolf, you guys aren't fighting, so…go with the supplies people."

"Too bad!" Mist yelled. "I'm fighting!"

Rolf was behind her. "Me too! I can use a bow!"

Boyd hit his little brother on the head. "No you can't!"

Rolf started to cry, and Oscar sighed. "FINE. We'll let you fight, Rolf."

Mist got puppy eyes. "Pweeeaaase? I can heal you!"

"All right, fine. You can if you want."

Map Clear: Seize

This battle was nothing for Lethe and Mordecai. They just transformed and slaughtered everything in sight. This was more of a laguz duet with mercenary accompaniment. Seriously.

But, at one point, our favorite pink haired weirdo on a Pegasus rode up. Ike was just standing there…not thinking…when this insane woman rode up and whack him over the head with her lance.

"YOU!!!" She screamed.

Ike turned around. "Eep…" he backed away a little. "You're the loud girl…"

"Darn right I am! And now I'm joining your crew to repay my debt!"

"Th-That's not necessary…"

"FOOL!!! IT IS!!!" Marcia began to beat Ike senseless in the middle of the battle.

"You're crazy! CRAZY!!!"

"WELL THEN LET ME JOIN!!!! RIGHT NOW!!!"

"F-Fine…just please…don't hurt me…"

"All right, shake on it?" She stuck out her hand.

Ike took it, but he was immediately stuck in the blows of Marcia's lance.

"YOU PERVERT!!! HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY HAND!!! DIIIIIE!!!"

Boyd and Oscar had to pull Marcia off of Ike. Soren just laughed.

Eventually though, Ike seized the fort and the battle was over.

Soren thought a bit. "It appears that now Daein and Gallia are at war now."

"Yay!" Ike squealed.

"You moron," Soren growled. "That's not good. Daein probably wants the whole continent to erupt into war."

"I hate beorc!!" Lethe screamed.

Mordecai sighed. "Lethe…you…"

"Are a moron?" Soren asked.

"Yes. You are correct, Soren," Mordecai responded.

Lethe sunk her claws into Ike's arm and began to drag him. "Come on."

Ilyana followed the group, dragging many dead Daeins.

"Ilyana," Ike said. "Only one."

"Aw…" she moaned. She chose the fattest one and started eating him.

Castle Gallia

"O-M-G!" Elincia exclaimed when she saw Ike. "I like, totally heard about your father. Wanna cut yourself with me?"

Ike backed away. "Uh…no thanks…"

It was silent. "Wanna make out?" she asked.

Ike didn't know the meaning of this question, but something told him it was not good. He took it as a threat. "Never, you vile being!" Ike started to beat Elincia.

Just then, King Caineghis walked in. He stared at the two morons. "Um…am I interrupting anything?"

Ike picked up Elincia and threw her across the room. "Good riddance, you evil princess!"

Caineghis blinked. "Uh…well…um…thanks for coming and all."

"Well, I'm Ike, and these are the Greil Mercenaries, who kill people."

"You have grown, Ike," the king said. "You were once brought here by your father when you were young. I will tell you the story. Lethe, Mordecai! Prepare rooms for our guests so they may heal."

Elincia was over in the corner, writhing in pain. "Help…me…" Randomly, a bird flew in and ate her eyes. Then a wolf came and began eating her body.

The king, Ike, Titania, and Soren all blinked, and then they pointed and laughed. Suddenly, she spawned back in a corner. Giffca, the king's shadow, morphed into a lion and continuously killed Elincia over and over. Ike, the king, Titania, and Soren laughed at this for an hour. Then, finally, the king told Ike about his father being a Gallian Mercenary who killed people and that Mist and Ike were both born there.

"…and that's the story. So, would you like to live here?" the king asked.

"No!" Ike struck a heroic pose. "I shall avenge my father! I shall grow stronger and lead my father's company!"

The king nodded. "Now, I have…a bit of bad news. I need you to lend your strength to Elincia."

Soren sighed. "Oh dear Ashera, no. I thought that we were done with Princess Airhead."

"I terribly sorry that I must place this awful task in on your shoulders, but there would be no plot if I didn't…so…take this accursed Princess to Begnion and ask for their help."

"So now, we must escort the idiotic Princess to Begnion," Titania said. "That's a task…so overwhelming and hard."

Soren nodded. "Now, some of us may go insane from the Princess's stupidity…"

"I give anyone who does go insane the permission to kill the Princess," Ike announced.

"Well, I guess that Ike FINALLY does something right, huh?" Soren said.

Titania put her hand forward. "All for one and one for all!"

Soren stared, and Titania grabbed Soren's hand and put on top of hers. Ike put one of his hands on theirs and with his other hand, he began to stick his finger up his nose. "I think I can feel my brain!" Ike exclaimed.

Soren looked at Titania with lowered eyes. "Ike has a brain?"