The dream was so lucid he thought it was real.
Chasing dreams was so much like catching wind.
All the words left unsaid were concealed within his forlorn heart.
When Yao woke up, he was alone, on this colossal royal bed he had been sharing with another man for the past year. He couldn't decipher the feeling lingering in his dejected soul. He knew he was supposed to cry out in relief and happiness. Now that the British pirate was gone, his life could go back smoothly to normal.
And yet, happiness never occurred to him.
Instead, the only thing he felt was vacancy; the emptiness of the bed; the emptiness of his heart.
Arthur's hat was still there though, so was a lovely pendant he used to carry around his neck.
Yao slid out of the duvet slowly and tottered towards the table. He trembled as the breeze brushed against his naked body. He picked up the little trinket. It was a well-crafted golden locket that opened to reveal an engraved signature.
Arthur Kirkland.
Fair enough, he would remember that name for however many years to come.
Yao draped a robe around his body, not bothering to tie up his tangled hair before a knock came to his door.
"Come in."
The door crept open but Kiku didn't step in.
"Is he leaving?" the Japanese boy asked, his face as solemn as could be, though a beam of delight was hidden behind his deadpan expression.
"I believe so," Yao murmured and then frowned. He knew he probably should smile at Arthur's departure. To think that his course of enslavement was finally over and that barbarian was at last getting out of his life ought to be a beautiful gift. And yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring that triumphant grin to his face. He felt so bleak and inane as if part of him had gone missing.
The feeling was so familiar though.
When was the last time he had felt this way?
Oh yea…it was…it was when he left.
He remembered the shattering sound of his heart when he saw Romulus' back straying farther and farther into the distance.
He knew it was never an honorable thing to fall for another nation. Between them there was never such a thing called promise, or humanity, or boundary.
They were never meant to be subjective, judgmental and compassionate.
Feelings, emotions, sentiments…oh how they make one so feeble and sick.
"Nii-san?"
Tears cascaded down the Asian's cheeks as he pushed past his slightly agitated brother and bolted out of the chamber. He sprinted as fast as his bare feet could carry him. He stormed out of the hallway, the garden and eventually the palace. He ran and wailed, inwardly cursing and loathing himself for ever reacting so rash and irrational. He couldn't think anymore. All that flooded into his mind, filled his heart, conquered his head was none other than the image of this foreigner who had so atrociously plunged him into this current state of despair. He had made him feel for him and now he was abandoning him, tossing him away like a piece of junk.
What was left of his dignity then?
He wouldn't allow himself to be degraded so heartlessly.
"You bastard, I'll never forgive you. I will never forgive you!" Yao whimpered, his feet scraped from all the running. He managed to reach the port just in time to see the magnificent ship departing. Standing on board was a face he despised and yet loved so much.
The British was fazed, apparently, for he hadn't expected the Chinese man to care enough to bid him a farewell, if he could call that one.
"Y-Yao?" He gasped, staring down at the whining nation standing at the pier with unkempt hair and a slovenly look.
He saw Yao's lips move but couldn't catch what he was saying. His eyes were fixated on those tears that soaked his bedraggled black curls.
The ship was sailing farther and farther away from the shore. Yao's figure grew smaller in Arthur's sight. Soon enough, all those gorgeous features became hardly distinct. He would have wished to cross the railing and leap into the ocean, swim back to the port and embrace that delicate figure.
But he couldn't.
He could only watch as the distance between them kept extending and finally going back to how it used to be before he even met him.
Yao collapsed to the ground, shivering. Tears…those damn tears…wouldn't stop dripping down his face.
He held the locket close to him. It glistened alongside the ring Arthur had put around his finger.
He had proposed to him.
Not as a nation.
But as a man.
He had said he wished to marry him; to take him as his bride; to make him his wife for all eternity.
He accepted the ring out of compulsion. He never gave it much though except the fact that Arthur was an extremely contradictory person. He never got rid of his habit of being vile towards someone he loved.
The British man was awfully sensitive, so sensitive that he had to veil all his inferiority through dominating and conquering others. Yao, of course, was well aware of this weakness of Arthur's. It hurt him just as much to know that the great empire could never be honest with his feelings.
"And you dare say you love me…if you love someone, you don't break them, you treasure them. If you love someone, you don't ditch them after messing them up…you stay with them!" Yao bawled, tears teeming down to his palms. "I hate you, Arthur Kirkland! I will never, ever forgive you! You big liar! And that's why I detest all of you Europeans! You're such big liars! YOU NEVER STOP LYING!"
Romulus said he would return.
Arthur also said he would.
Yao wouldn't believe any more lies. He was so exhausted of believing and keeping his faith in something that could never possibly come true.
"I hate you…I hate you so much…" Yao sobbed, curling up into a ball. "I will never forgive you…"
"Nii-san…"
Yao twitched at his brother's touch. Kiku knelt down and hugged the other boy tightly, rubbing his back with an aloof face.
"Kiku…" Yao wept. "He's…a liar…I hate him…I hate him…"
"It's okay now, nii-san. He isn't coming back. I'm here, with you," Kiku reassured, planting a light kiss on Yao's head.
"Kiku…it hurts…it isn't supposed to hurt…but it does…I don't know why aru…I'm confused…"
"Nii-san, are you…by any chance in love with him?" Kiku scowled.
"I don't know…I don't think…I don't know…Kiku…I really don't know…"
"Well, either way, he isn't coming back. You know how those Europeans are. They all do nothing but lie. Don't ever believe him, nii-san," the Japanese boy said, lifting his brother's chin tenderly and wiping off the tears with his sleeves. "It's over…everything's over. You won't ever see him again and he will never be able to take you anymore. Think of it as a nightmare, nii-san. And now it's ended."
"I'm scared, Kiku…I don't know why…but I feel so empty…so insecure…it's like a part of me has gone missing…it hurts as much as when Romulus left me…Why did they all take advantages of me and then abandon me? Am I nothing but a tool for them to vent their desires on? I…I'm a man too! I feel! I can feel! Even if I'm a nation…even if I'm old…this pain never stops…it never stops! It keeps coming back and strangling me…Why do they all trample on me…swat me like a fly…I've never done anything to provoke them in the first place! All I want is for me and you to live all in peace…so why…is it wrong to wish for something so simple? Is it? Am I wrong? Kiku, say…is your nii-san wrong?"
"No…absolutely not, nii-san. You're right. You know, this is what I've been telling you. If we Asians do not grow stronger, we will never stand a chance against those Westerners. That is why I'm saying, you cannot submit to any one of them. Never ever again. They would only exploit you more, take you for granted before dumping you. This is what they do best. They seize and never negotiate. They claim and never return. You understand it now, don't you?"
"Kiku…you've…you've changed a lot….so much I don't think I recognize you anymore…" Yao wheezed, leaning against his sibling tiredly. "You sound…so mature…"
"I'm a grown-up now, nii-san. I'm so much stronger than when you first found me. I can take care of myself." Kiku said, scooping up the Chinese boy with no ado.
"I see…yes…you're really no longer a child…" Yao echoed, burying his face into Japan's shoulder as he carried him back to their residence. "Don't worry, nii-san. If another Western nation ever appears again, I will handle them for you."
"Uh…" Yao hummed, dozing off in Kiku's embrace.
The younger nation brought his brother back to the chamber and laid him down on his bed. Brushing strands of drenched hair off Yao's face, Kiku crawled over and straddled the fatigued body. He ogled the snoozing male for a while before bending down to kiss him.
"You know, nii-san, I really hate it when those filthy hands touch you. If I had been stronger, I would have chopped off his head with a katana," the young nation said nonchalantly. "This body of yours is supposed to be mine. And yet, you let him taint you. You even shed your precious tears for him. That, I would never forgive. Both you and Arthur are hypocrites. But that doesn't matter now, does it? He's left. In all honesty, I am so glad he's left you. Because now that the major eyesore is gone, you're all mine again."
The Japanese boy chuckled and slouched down next to Yao.
"This unblemished face, this vulnerable body, this eternal soul; they all should have belonged to me long ago, nii-san," Kiku grinned victoriously for the first time. "If you ever let any barbarians sully you again, I guarantee you, I won't go easy on you again. Do not expect me to pat your head when you're down, lend you a shoulder when you're thrust aside like a piece of garbage. Only I'm noble enough to love a used good like you. Right?"
The boy drew the velvet curtains and covered their bodies with the duvet. Giving the older nation another peck on the lips, he smiled. "Good night, nii-san."
oOo
When Yao regained his consciousness, it was already dusk. He grunted and propped himself up with his elbows, noticing a rare figure snuggling up against him. He gasped at the sight of Kiku clinging to him. It was almost impossible for the Japanese boy to share a bed with him. He had always been…exceptionally independent.
Yao smiled a little and stroked his younger brother's face. The youth was tremendous. And yes, he could tell now from such closeness between them. Kiku had been developing so fast he was no longer considered a kid. He was all grown up now. In one year's progress, he had become a full-fledged, thriving nation with all those efforts he had made.
Yao wasn't sure whether to feel soothed or disappointed. He would love to pamper Kiku like he used to. The boy had always been a bit introverted and reserved. Now that he was an adult, it would definitely be more challenging to make him open up his heart.
It never bothered Yao though. He would love the way his siblings were regardless of their traits and imperfections. He always knew deep down, Kiku had an inferno burning inside his heart.
"Nii-san?" Kiku opened his eyes and gawked at Yao.
"Sorry, aru. Did I wake you?"
"No." The boy shook his head and sat up. "Are you feeling well?"
"Yes, aru. Much better. 謝謝你, Kiku. You've always been there for me even though you never speak much to me. I always know that you care." Yao smiled. "I'm always grateful to have found you in the bamboo forest that day. You're a gift to me, Kiku. Always."
The Chinese boy tittered and got off their bed. He strode towards the mirror and started fixing his disheveled hair. "Aiya, I look like a mess."
"You look alright to me," Kiku muttered.
"I will go check on Mei and Yong Soo. I haven't seen them all day," Yao giggled after he tied up his hair in a typical bun. "And then, we'll have dinner together like before. I will cook you lots and lots of wonderful dishes!"
Yao scrambled out of the room joyously, rendering the other boy in silence.
"I wonder if you heard what I said," Kiku whispered. "You probably wouldn't say the same if you know how I've been thinking of you, nii-san."
The Asian family gathered about the gigantic, round table and ate dinner together the way they used to. Both Mei and Yong Soo went hyperactive upon hearing that Arthur was gone. They were simply pleased because they were never fond of that British pirate, who had obviously snatched their respectable brother away from them.
Kiku kept the pleasure to himself, along with years of passion that had been accumulating within his heart.
He wondered if Yao ever found out the way he stared at him inappropriately.
He wouldn't have called Yao "brother" if the Chinese man hadn't been so insistent.
He had never truly viewed Yao as his brother because, well, brothers wouldn't fall in love with each other, right?
He would rather be perceived as a potential lover than a sibling. He felt enraged whenever some random European butted in and claimed China as their lover. Geez, he, Kiku Honda, had been with Yao for longer than any one of those savages and yet he was only qualified to be a brother? That was unfair. So unfair!
He ought to be the one making Yao moan every night, kissing him until he was out of breath and filling him with his essence.
Thud!
A chair toppled over. Yao coughed, his chopsticks falling to the ground.
"Aniki!"
"哥哥!"
Everyone turned to gape at Yao, who was shuddering and coughing.
"Wh-What's-"
The Chinese man scooted out of the room and towards the garden where he spotted a wooden bucket. He grabbed it instantly and started vomiting.
"Nii-san!" His siblings chased after him and stopped once they saw him leaning against a bucket and puking incessantly.
"What's the matter, 哥哥?" Mei cried, almost on the verge of tears.
"Aniki! Did something choke you? What's it?"
"Nii-san?"
"I…I'm okay…" Yao panted, putting down the bucket calmly. "I'm sorry you have to see this…I just…I just suddenly felt sick."
"是生病了嗎, 哥哥?" (*Are you sick, brother?)
"M-Maybe…" Yao smiled faintly, wiping his mouth awkwardly. "I will be fine…You three should go back and continue eating."
"You aren't going back with us? Aniki?"
"I…I guess not…I…I've lost my appetite I'm afraid," Yao coughed and sighed. "This is weird. It's never happened before unless there's a disaster or social unrest…Why the illness all of a sudden…"
The Chinese man wondered and got back up to his feet torpidly.
"Kiku, why aren't you going back with the other two?" Yao asked when he saw the Japanese boy staying on his original spot.
"Nii-san, I need to talk to you."